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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Sunday, December 18, 2005

fits and starts

.
finally i'm actually in the mood for christmas!

i went shopping today and got some generic christmas things for folks and some things to help me wrap (candy) as well as a cute little watch for me. the watch was like 8 bucks but it makes me really happy since i'm always running late with clients because i have no idea what time it is!

when i came back from shopping the wonderful owner of the studio that i teach out of had left me a gift. an entire OUTFIT of teacher clothing! and you guys holy shit, it's my number one hottie outfit out of the gate. she nailed me. exactly my size and colouring and style and yeah. i can't even tell you how gorgeous it is! i want to frame it and hang it on the wall!
.

i started this post on friday. as usual i'm really behind on my blog.
.

i've come to the conclusion that i get overly attached to people with undue cause. like early on in friendships with people and worse yet with men that i'm interested in. i'm not saying it's bad to get attached to people in your life i'm just saying that sometimes i care too much too soon for people.

and that's gotten me into trouble before where i've gotten screwed over or had my feelings badly hurt. or later on when i've decided that i don't even like the lady i made friends with three months ago and now she's all thinking i'm awesome and i'm trying to figure out how to lose her.
.

and now it's basically sunday. this is getting out of hand this pre christmas mayhem. i did a little more shopping today and i got another friend done and some bits for my sister. this christmas thing is starting to grow on me. i'm actively planning some shopping on monday and i'm even excited about it!
.

and i think i'm getting a cold.
.

i'm still thinking about the attachment thing. i sometimes imagine that people are like little nuclei with a ton of microscopic feelers with suckers on the end and we just go around tossing these little filaments at people and seeing if they stick.

sometimes they stick well and last forever. and
sometimes they stick hard and fast only to shatter and crumble.
sometimes they miss entirely.
sometimes they brush other feelers and stick in a short but intense burst.
sometimes they stick well but over time the seal starts to fray and loosen and eventually fall away.
sometimes they are torn off in a move.
sometimes they pass other feelers and hang out for a time.
sometimes they rip themselves away in some reversal of polarity.

and i think i stick too fast. i think instead of taking my little feelers and sorta easing my way through the human sea i go barrelling through catching and throwing feelers at an alarming rate.

of course it takes all kinds. the people who stick too fast balance those who stick too slowly. and the people who just open themselves up to the ones around them help the slow and easeful ones into the dance.

and still i would like to take a little of my inner gregarious fish and slow her down. i would like her to take more time when she's getting to know the other fish in her pond. i would like her not to see that feeler coming at her and go chasing after it.

i would like to turn the bull fish into the chameleon fish. i would like to learn not to go blundering into things but instead to be cautious and to look back and to speculate a little more.

in short i would like my feelers to take longer to decide to attach themselves to something.

and y'all are thinking that you know who and what i'm talking about. but that's always a very dangerous assumption with this blog.

i would like to be less open with the people that i work with.
i would like to learn to listen before i speak.
i would like to learn to go to bed more than six hours before i have to be up.
i would like to find time to read pilates/anatomy literature.
i would like to find time to take more classes.
i would like to lead climb.
i would like to be less interested in men/boys.
i would like to finish the 5.10- i got three fourths of the way up today. and the one i got five sixths of the way up.
i would like to be less obvious when i like someone. any definition of the word like.
i would like to learn to believe that people like me.
i would like to believe i'm worth liking.

mostly i just want to learn to take my time.

so i guess that

as always

... the lesson is patience.

27 Comments:

Blogger DZER said...

you mean Guns & Roses had it right?

"Said, woman, take it slow
It'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we come together fine
All we need is just a little patience"

heh

also, congrats at getting into the Christmas spirit! welcome and rejoice!

fa la la la la, la la la laaaaaaa!!

do people ever mutate and become leptons? or go radioactive and just explode?

make no apologies for who you are, for you are special and wonderful

:oD

12/18/2005 04:25:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hee
yeah, guns n' roses did get it right... and you know that's still one of my favourite songs.

also i have a cold.

this is usually when christmas hits me actually... late but it hits :)

what's a lepton? :)

i don't apologize for myself, i just want to slow down :)

*huggs*

12/18/2005 08:10:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Hehehe I am with Dzer about the GNR bit. Patience is good and it;s good to learn and sometimes it is very important. It can be hard to do sometimes, especially when you feel somthing for someone. With the people that I have had intense connections, the attachment has happened fast. I am very comfortable with intimacy, so sometimes it just happens that you like someone and the connection happens and you want to let it happen. But, I never force anything; I just go with it. I have been thinking lately about taking things slower when getting to know someone...but then that would feel like I am putting up defenses and imposing distance. So, I am not quite sure what the answer is. Ughhh... I am no help, am I? lol

-N

12/18/2005 09:29:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hey nat :)

i just know that the one hallmark of most of my friendships, relationships and crushes is this tendency i have to rush into things. and sometimes it's served me really well (hi othercat!) but a lot of times it's led to willy nilly ignoring of clear caution signs and sometimes it's pushed sparks into burnouts.

maybe that's it... maybe i'm trying to hothouse things that need to grow at nature's pace... or some kind of metaphor like that.

in fact i find you a lot of help because it seems you're wrestling with a similar dilemma.

12/18/2005 11:52:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

*sticks out her tongue and does the devil symbol with her hands* GNR!!!!

hehe. love them!!

i guess as a jew, the holiday spirit evades me...but i do get the "dear god people are lazy fuckers, and inconsiderate to boot" spirit going..and it's going strong now.

12/18/2005 12:45:00 PM  
Blogger othercat said...

Sorry to hear you're getting a cold. I have the secret Irish remedy in my liquor cabinet. It will cure all. It's called Redbreast.

As for the issue of patience, it seems to me that you were taking it a little slower with HCG, and weren't quite the space cadet you usually are (no offence intended, but you do get space cadet-like over these sorts of things). It looks like an improvement over previous infatuations.

12/18/2005 12:45:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle: i saw gnr front row by accident way back when. we thought it was fifth row but the stage had funky curvy bits and we were at the rail. it was great. those guys put on a great show.

i'm not religious, the closest that i get is solstice but my family always made a special day of christmas and it really is a loving and joyful time for us. that said, we do not spend weeks on end being ridiculous. it starts now and not hallowe'en.

the inconsiderate thing though, damm that always baffles me around the holidays.

spirit of giving much?


othercat: the worst part is that i think i got it FROM hcg. i mean geeze isn't there supposed to be physical contact before you catch someone's cold. hrmph. tragically i really don't think he likes me that way... which is okay since i really like to hang with him regardless.

i'm not offended, i get RIDICULOUSLY space cadet like over men that i'm into... it's that very behaviour that i'm looking to change because it pisses me off and it's counter productive.

it would be nice to grow up one of these days and stop acting like a 12 year old girl with her first crush...

12/18/2005 01:35:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

patience.
and acting like a 12-year old girl with a crush.
i can SO relate to all of this...! you've put it all so eloquently.

12/18/2005 02:23:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

yay for eloquence... and you know what? it doesn't help to know what you're doing, you still DO it!

12/18/2005 10:03:00 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

All I can say is WOW sassinak. The other half and I just got back from our friends house (well her friends house) and I needed a huge break. I am working on a project right now that is based on colorado massage therapy schools. I have literally been on-line for 2-3 hours doing research. Even though this post really isn’t on the same page as colorado massage therapy schools I am certainly glad I came across your blog. There are a ton of great view points on this blog. Well I think I can here the kids screaming in the background. I put you in my internet favorites and I will certainly come back and visit. If you want to take a peek at my site you can find me here at colorado massage therapy schools. I update my site very frequently. Again, great job blogging and I will be back again soon!

12/18/2005 10:56:00 PM  
Blogger blackcaesar said...

cilia.
merry chistmas.

12/19/2005 02:44:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

GNR - FIRST ROW - ACCIDENT ???? That worries me... all in the same sentence. lol I saw GNR 3 times. They put n an amazing show. Too bad the band imploded. Although now you can see them all, minus Axl Rose, who seemed to be the problem, in Velvet Revolver.

Anywho...I totally forgot to say that you should believe you are worth liking because you so totally absolutely beyond the shadow of a doubt are. But I know what you mean. Even if I love myself unconditionally, I still have those moments where I wonder if someone else will again. But then I ponder the other option. And I am not willing to settle for someone who doesn't. But doubt... doubt is part of the equation... always. It just takes reminding oneself that some things are worth waiting for.

Hey, I am all ranty again!

-N

12/19/2005 08:45:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Holy philisophical meandering Sass!

I was distracted by the sticky feelers honey, but the got a jumpstart after reading the rest.

I can teach you how not to like boys.

Okay, but more seriously now...

I too get sticky too soon and have no idea how to release myself before harm comes to me. Due to this I have been hurt over and over as well.

Is is possible for you to call yourself of these issues before you use the same routine to deal with them? Perhaps stepping out of yourself for a split second and asking the question 'why' would be of great spiritual assistance.

Dunno, reaching... I haven't found a way NOT to fall in love quickly. If you do, please pass it on.

And FYI, i really have no idea who you're talking about in this post... im completely oblivious.

what's new.

12/19/2005 10:48:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

blackcaesar: hee cilia! you're right that is the word i was looking for!


natalia: it was a total accident. we scalped tickets in row E and they turned out to be on the rail. we were so fucking stoked! Hell we were stoked for FIFTH row so imagine our glee at FIRST?!??

you're right, they do great show.

thank you, i know rationally that i'm worth liking, it's the little voices deep inside that need convincing. the good news at least is that they are quieter than they were.

dude, the other option just isn't an option. just is not. i'm me, i'll always be me, if that isn't enough for some guy then he isn't enough for me. i guess you're right though that doubt is part of life.

yay ranta natalia!

12/19/2005 12:16:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles: i know, it's what i do :)

just think of cilia instead and it's less of a sticky sexual metaphor. i suspect you can teach a lot of people to like girls better than boys... but to NOT like boys? i have heavy doubts.

i'm not surprised that you're an instastick like i am. it's a hard thing to be and probably worth it in the end but oh the wounds it leaves behind.

i have watched myself get crushy with people and said 'you're rushing again, slow down, smell the roses' and still *splat* and i'm stuck.

i'm not really talking about anyone... but a lot of folks like to assume that they know to whom i refer when i speak :)

hugs!

12/19/2005 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger Horsn said...

I have a little one that rushes into to everything. He doesn't know the meaning of patience. I use to think he liked the pain.

But I now realize, he likes the rush of giving all he has to the moment and this, for him, out weighs the pain from those times things don't go the way he had wished. It's his way of building character.

I think your list of wishes shows you are gaining perspective on this part of your life. But don't cold turkey this. I bet with further reflection, you'll realize you enjoy being the one that's not afraid to fling your littler feelers all about.

And remember, liking yourself makes you worth liking. ;-)

12/19/2005 02:15:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

horsn: how old is your little one?

i've been learning the meaning of the word patience since my car accident... it's almost like everything that happened with that has led to me HAVING to learn patience. it hasn't made it easier though :)

i do for sure like the rush of throwing myself into a moment or a problem or life, i just wish i could learn to put on knee and elbow pads first!

i think you are right as well, it's not a cold turkey thing because that would change the essential meness of me. i don't want to change my fundamental character, just mold it a little.

hee fling my little feelers!

it's funny, i like myself a lot, i just don't expect OTHER people to do that... :)

12/19/2005 05:48:00 PM  
Blogger Daywalker said...

Hey Sass,

mom has been trying to get a hold of you... gives us a shout when you can ;)

Claudio

12/20/2005 08:04:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

hello sass's hot brother/friend :)

the very weird remedy my parents have perscribed to for ages when it comes to a cold: lemon tea, with honey and raspberry jelly.

yes! sounds weird. yes! sounds a bit gross...however...tastes awesome, and if you have sore throat/stuffy nose, it's clear/gone, after it.

as for patience, it's the one virtue i truly lack. on top of that i'm indecisive as all fuckin hell. with the big decisions--like ones that involve my future (aka my education)--very calculated. with shit that involves me dying? i'm all over it faster than you can say "woah retard". base jumping anyone? :)

12/20/2005 09:08:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

I could never NOT like boys.

never ever. and Claudio can stop by anytime...

12/20/2005 10:39:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

daywalker: i can't get my SISTER to tell me what she's doing xmas eve which is why i haven't called.


elle: that's my cousin actually... cause if he was only my friend i would have jumped him already *grin*

also? i have two of the three and i like raspberry jelly so's i'm a gonna go get some and try this crazy remedy of yours. the ricola is so not helping!

i too lack patience, i think it's why the universe keeps trying to teach it to me. mmmm base jumping... i prefer to learn to surf in shark and reef infested waters!


bubbles: he is a hottiemchottie isn't he?

i could never ever not like boys... but i just want to be less focussed on them is all.


also... i don't care about massage therapy so if you fucking spammers would just eat shit and die.

and with that my sick ass and i are going back to bed.

12/20/2005 11:52:00 AM  
Blogger Horsn said...

My littlest one is 10, ... going on 20.

I can appreciate the knee and elbow pads. They don't detract from the experience, just make the recovery time shorter.

Liking yourself is like wearing a sweet perfume. It draws others near for a better whiff. With a closer look, you’re bound to win over a few. ;-)

I've found patience comes with age.

12/20/2005 01:03:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hee
i was that kind of kid myself.

yeah that's all i want... just a little self protection... a tiny little shell around my wide open heart that lets me take one more breath before i dive into things :)

you are right actually, the less i care if people like me the more they do. it's a funny life for that. there's something else i'd like to put into play with men... caring LESS!

how old are you horsn? i'm 34 and i know for sure i have way more patience than i did at 17 :)

12/20/2005 01:14:00 PM  
Blogger Blondie said...

Oy, I understand the feeler analogy.

I've kind of learned my lesson, though, after some really horrible experiences with people who used me up.

I think it's awesome that you have this trait, that you're so willing to dive in. It shows an inherent trust in the people you wish to befriend.

The only damage is that a lot of times the only way to get out of that habit of quick attachment is by being hurt. Hopefully you won't ever have to go that route, though I have a feeling you probably already have. The best ones always come out of things a little beat up. But you'll shine. You always do :)

12/21/2005 11:51:00 AM  
Blogger lividviv said...

I love that feeler thing. Totally! A former counselor told me a story about a Greek god or somebody who ran across a butterfly cocoon. He was very excited about it and examined it, while it lay in the centre of his palm. After a time he grew curious about it, wondering when the butterfly would emerge. Time passed and then he began to get concerned. The butterfly cocoon was nice and moist but there was no action at all from it. He thought, I'll just blow on it gently and dry it out a little. So he blew on it and, lo, the butterfly cocoon dried out a little and the butterfly stirred. So he thought, I'll just blow on it until it dries out and then the butterfly will be ready to fly! SO he blew some more. Sadly, the butterfly cocoon dried out completely. He gently opened the cocoon to find the butterfly had died. So the lesson is: don't breathe on the butterfly.

This is my constant self-talk.
Don't Breathe On The Butterfly.

12/21/2005 12:31:00 PM  
Blogger lividviv said...

I love that feeler thing. Totally! A former counselor told me a story about a Greek god or somebody who ran across a butterfly cocoon. He was very excited about it and examined it, while it lay in the centre of his palm. After a time he grew curious about it, wondering when the butterfly would emerge. Time passed and then he began to get concerned. The butterfly cocoon was nice and moist but there was no action at all from it. He thought, I'll just blow on it gently and dry it out a little. So he blew on it and, lo, the butterfly cocoon dried out a little and the butterfly stirred. So he thought, I'll just blow on it until it dries out and then the butterfly will be ready to fly! SO he blew some more. Sadly, the butterfly cocoon dried out completely. He gently opened the cocoon to find the butterfly had died. So the lesson is: don't breathe on the butterfly.

This is my constant self-talk.
Don't Breathe On The Butterfly.

12/21/2005 12:31:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

blondie: i'm not surprised you get the analogy, i suspect we're very similar in this one. i know that my feelers are a little slower because of the hurts of the past but at the same time i'm still way faster than i want to be. (and i think it scares boys away sometimes)

i've kind of learned my lesson as well but it's not really helping because now my circle of friends is down to basically a very small handful of people i care for and most of them have families and lives that don't include me. so i'm getting pretty lonely.

yeah, i'm definetely beat up... but othercat says that i wear my bruises like badges and i hope i wear the emotional ones that way too!

i trust everyone until they prove me wrong. this gets me in a LOT of trouble but it's still the way to bet.


viv: that's a lovely analogy. if only i hadn't done that in quite a few cases...

ah well.

12/21/2005 12:41:00 PM  

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