weak as a newborn kitten and strange choices

[this was supposed to get posted 8 hours ago but i sorta didn't finish in time]

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wow this stuff my osteopath did to me is just strange. firstly i feel really sore and yet at the same time somehow so much more together. i hit the gym last night for an hour of routes and i was weak yo. but i was weak in a really strong way.

hrm that makes no sense.

okay it's like my shoulder is actually doing what it's supposed to do. it's actually sitting in the RIGHT place and working with my other shoulder. however it's been working in a depressed and pulled forward fashion for a few years so the muscles around it developed around the injury and they're used to working from a compromised starting position.

i'd been noticing for a while that my shoulders weren't moving together when i was doing pilates and i'd also been noticing that my shoulder sometimes just refused to pull no matter how i asked it to when climbing. and i'd been noticing that it was slowly getting worse.

eventually i had to realise that the shooting pain when i took a deep breath was NOT something that i could fix and i also had to realise that i wasn't going to get anywhere near my teacher for a private so i figured it was time for some osteo.

was i ever right. i was slowly twisting up in my entire torso. my pelvis was torquing in a direction that goes along nicely with what my shoulder was doing and i think i better understand some lingering foot pain.

it's just really surprising how weak the muscles feel. i was falling off easy holds when i was traversing and i could not force myself to slow down no matter how i tried. i'm going to climb again tonight for an hour or so and take it nice and easy while i reintegrate my shoulder.

it turns out, in fact, that my osteo and my physio had a bit of an argument way back when. the osteo was convinced i wasn't done yet and the physio was sure i was fine. if they had asked me i could have told them that i absolutely wasn't better. of course i couldn't AFFORD the visit so it's sort of irrelevant until you realise that i had a couple of visits left on my treatment plan from my insurance company at the time.

still it's interesting that because the physio was the practitioner in charge they never even discussed it with me.

ah well, i see why the two of them broke up.
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do you ever look back on something you did and find it baffling?

this happens to me most often when it comes to crushes and exes. i'll talk to them or see them or have them brought to mind by mutual friends and i'll just shake my head and shrug at my own behaviour. not with all of them mind you, i have several exes (including my ex husband) whom i consider wonderful growing experiences and good choices in my life.

but some.

wow.

what in hell was i thinking?

i've come to the conclusion that sometimes i crush on people because i'm exploring a part of myself in a safe way. that maybe that inappropriate guy with the biker colours or the pink mohawk (actually he was awesome) or the s&m lifestyle or the drinking problem that i had a ridiculous crush on wasn't so ridiculous. that perhaps i was learning what i do and don't like and what i do and don't need or even what i can and can't handle.

so maybe in the long run it's those ones that don't work out. the ones whom you never date and sometimes hardly get to know who actually have the most to teach you about yourself. the ones you don't ask out or even ever really talk to. maybe they're your lessons in life.

the easy lessons, the ones you can learn by observation instead of experience.

then there are the exes. the ones that make you shake your head at your own silliness. i have more than one friend that has been involved in an emotionally and/or physically abusive relationship and i myself have come pretty close to the emotional aspect of abuse with at least one man that i was with for a while.

and sometimes i wonder if we all have to have at least one of those so that we then KNOW what to avoid.

but that thought? that thought makes me really sad because it implies that there are enough assholes out there that we all get to have a couple. and that shit sucks if it's true. but still, i'm not sure i know anyone who doesn't have a really shitty ex.

now i know that sometimes who you're with brings out the asshole in you. that was certainly true of tr and i and of myself with dw. man dw could have me enraged and ready to hit things in seconds... it was really an amazing talent.

and then i wonder why i stayed with them. why when i was so unhappy and things were so bad did i stay? not forever mind you but long enough.

in retrospect it's clear i wasn't thinking clearly or that my instinct for self preservation wasn't kicking in. and that's bloody strange because i am all about protecting myself. so where do these decisions come from? why do we make terrible relationship choices and then wonder at our own misery?

just because we're silly? or is there a lesson there?