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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Saturday, December 10, 2005

whose eyes are looking at me anyway?

lividviv is sacked out on my couch after failing to resist the best chocolate in the world. okay maybe not in the world but that shit is to skor what skor is to bitter baking chocolate... or some equally useful metaphor like that.

i just came back from an anatomy in clay workshop at the studio i *learn* at (as opposed to the ones that i *teach* at) and an advanced mat class prior to that. it was great! i went in there sore and i came back all happy and stretched out. so some climbing tomorrow and the osteopath on monday and i should be back together nicely.

i hope because damn damm damn i am seriously sore. how do you spell damm? it turns out that climbing with fluidity is really really really fucking hard.

this post is now in hiatus as the arguing people next door have woken lividviv and she's talking again, err wait she's going back to sleep.

so, the neighbours are fighting again. which they do a lot. at the tops of their lungs. occasionally at three am.

i like one of them and the other i have nothing against but i'm either going to have to move or start seriously complaining about the noise. i'm leaning toward move because being the ex super my entire floor feels compelled to come to me with their problems.

and you know what? i don't CARE. I do not CARE what is wrong with your fucking apartment. call the ACTUAL superintendent. i don't care if you don't like them it's not my goddamm job.

*I* got canned. (thank the universe!)

It's their job, it's their headache, don't bug me about it. but more than that? please consider that at 2am on a friday night when your neighbour knocks on your door in her pyjamas that she doesn't think it's funny that y'all are shouting.

she thinks that you're keeping her awake and that you and your immature ass should shut the fuck up.

ahhh that was great. viv and i just watched like 6 hours of tv mixed with a little junk food and some gossip about boys. dzer in case you're wondering she agrees with you. i think that i'm biasing the story :)

wow that workshop today was amazing. we did most of the muscles of the hip today and really discussed them. basically we made little sausages and carrots of clay and then stuck them on plastic bones and discussed their actions and repercussions. there were 4 pilates instructors and a yoga instructor (counting myself) tossing questions at the goddess and her fielding them and doing the craziest things with her body to demonstrate.

i am such a neophyte compared to her that i almost feel like a poser or a fake or something. i recognize that i'm just newer but it's hard. i ask her questions and they're so obvious to her somehow that i see how much farther i really have to go. funny because i'm much more confident when i teach than i was but i'm less confident about my body of knowledge.

it's funny because i'm having these feelings about my body lately as well. a few months ago i was delighted with how i was looking. i was wandering the streets in baggy pants and tight shirts and i was strutting my stuff. i was sure i was hot.

also it was summer and i was warm and tanned and fed by the sun.

and yet i am so CLEARLY both a better teacher and a hotter bod than i was then that i wonder where this crisis of confidence is coming from. i know that some of my issues stem from long ago when i was swimming. they used to weigh us and fat pinch us and tell us to go on diets.

i'm pretty sure there were more calories in the diet than the average human voluntarily eats in a day but still. thirteen and fifteen year old girls do not need to have their fat measured when they are training for international competition. they're in shape.

sure weigh them or something but that's it. hell most of us knew we'd gained weight before the scale did because we would menstruate.

and now? well i hang out at a climbing gym and with pilates instructors which isn't helpful in the comparison shopping department but there's more to it than that.

i don't think that i can actually see myself anymore. i'm pretty sure that what i see when i look at my 'problem areas' and reality are falling away from each other somehow. because when i glance in the mirror i can see a slender woman looking back. when i try on new clothes i catch a glimpse of someone i don't expect.

and sometimes i see just what i'm expecting and that makes me down on myself for days.

the other day i tried something on and i was a MEDIUM! [which really, i'm not... that shit was just weird]

so i know that the view is changing and that i may be starting to see myself more realistically. i catch glimpses of muscles from the corner of my eye and can't find them when i look straight on. i know that i shouldn't let my self esteem be tied to how my body looks but it is.

i know that i really really need to recover from that before i get much older because i've seen what it does to women over 50 who can't learn to age gracefully. viv suggests that i learn to love my saddlebags.

this is not an easy thing to do.

they're lumpy and not smooth and don't have firm muscle underneath. i don't mind a bit of padding but i don't want pillows. i don't want wrinkles on my stomach.
i want to look like elizabeth larkam who is nearly fifty years old (or her dance partner valentine who IS in her fifties)

and that's even ON THE WAY for christ's sake.

unless i quit climbing AND pilates tomorrow i'll look like that. [er not exactly, but the my body version of that]

so where is this crisis of confidence coming from?

*shakes head*


Blogger DZER said...

snap out of it!!


you know what? you do the most intelligible coherent ramblings that I ever did see. ;)

12/11/2005 12:39:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dzer: i'm sure i'll be fine in a day or two :)

hrm that's cool... coherent rambling.

i'll take it :)

12/11/2005 08:00:00 AM  
Blogger SignGurl said...

I was thinking the same thing. I ramble incoherently always having a hard time coming to any conclusion.

When I come here I see a self confident woman who seems able to work out her problems through her ramblings.

I think your confidence crisis is stemming from the fact that we are having to wear the heavy clunky winter clothes. It's pretty hard to feel hot when you are wearing 7 layers of clothing. I tend to hide myself in the winter burying myself until spring.

So, put on a tight lowcut sweater and you'll see the definition that you were used to seeing this summer and you just might see that confidence return.

12/11/2005 09:15:00 AM  
Blogger castufari said...

It's not a crisis. Life is coming together for you in ways it hasn't for a while and you're not sure what to do, not sure if it is real or not. It sounds like it IS real, so sit back and enjoy the ride.

This is why you should blog. As time passes you can check your moods to see if this is a pattern or not.

I'm a bit jealous of your, I can't wait until I can begin to look good again, I feel so out of it now.

12/11/2005 09:52:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jenn: i wouldn't have considered that post to have come to any form of coherent conclusion but if y'all say so then i guess it did.

i'll have to reread it when i'm more awake *grin*

i think that there are two kinds of confidence. the first, and easier for me, involves belief in your ability to handle anything and to do anything that you want or need to do. i *know* that i can run off to new zealand by myself and have a good time and that means that i also *know* that i can eat alone in a restaurant and enjoy myself. according to climber guy from okcupid that's character.

the second, and very difficult for me, is confidence in your own brains/looks. and also according to climber guy from okcupid is just fals and not relevant. i don't necessarily agree with him, but i don know that there's some very different kinds of confidence.

so you're right, i totally believe in my *self* and my ability to deal but i don't believe anyone would find me interesting or hot or smart or whatever.

lame huh?

thing is that i wear LEOTARDS and danskin to work 6 days a week. so it's also that i'm wandering around in skintight clothing and everyone else is in clunky stuff maybe?

i don't know, i just know that i'm silly and irked about it.

12/11/2005 09:57:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

cast: you're right. life really is starting to come together for me. i can afford to fix my car and buy some clothes and after christmas there's some shoes coming.... and yet you're right, i don't believe it. i still have this niggling other shoe feeling and i can't seem to shake it.

mmmm riding... there's been a lot of motorcycle discussion in my life lately so i'm jonesing for some of that.

i recently started to reread my blog looking for a greatest hits list and i've definetely noticed some patterns. i look forward to having a few years worth to look at in a couple of yours.

dude what's the news with your surgery? (which my doctor suspects that you need too :()

12/11/2005 10:00:00 AM  
Blogger castufari said...

The neuro called and said "We really need to see you asap". I was talking to a PT last night and she was shocked that I've not beed seen since this can cause problems in the future. In the morning I'm going to make an appt with the neuro, if the state doesn't answer me quickly then I'll have the lawyer lean on them.

My chiro thinks I could go back to a normal life, just no lifting or anything for *calculates* 3 months. That was my last visit.

12/11/2005 11:28:00 AM  
Blogger terry said...

you know... elizabeth larkam was once my pilates teacher... and i don't think she actually eats anything. well, okay... she eats... but anytime i saw her eat, it was always very little... and didn't look all that satisfying. i have a hazy memory of one of the other instructors even commenting on her eating habits.
so yes, the woman really looks fantastic...but i think she's depriving herself.
(then again...who am i to judge? i rarely deprive myself!)

12/11/2005 01:52:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

cast: well my doc suggests that this sort of thing CAN mean surgery depending on what the bone is doing.

i'll forward you the email from him when i'm home.

your chiro sounds like an idiot.

terry: she was awfully thin it's true, i mean i still want BOOBS after all! i'm more speaking of the fitness level :)

but you're a lucky lady if she was your teacher, the one whole class that i took with her was wonderful!

she seemed like a joyful woman, one would hope that she wouldn't deprive herself.

12/11/2005 02:10:00 PM  
Blogger Rachael said...

A) That whole apartment thing, post-superintendant sounds gross. Sorry to hear that people are coming to you about a problem that shouldn't even exist. It's just not polite to have a screaming match after 9pm. Very rude.

B) You're vibrant and gorgeous. Never feel bad about your body. You and the body you wear are healthy and wonderful. Eat healthy, don't deprive yourself of good things (like chocolate, mmmmm) and the rest will follow. Besides, you've discovered that one thing which makes all the difference - moving your body is FUN and feels Fantastic.

12/11/2005 03:30:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

rachael: so funny that you use my middle name online :)

a) it is gross... but moving is expensive and this place is cheap and i'm looking to buy so...

b) i could give you IDENTICAL advice you know. that's what makes it all so fucked. stupid modern media culture with anorexic chic.

gets to you even if you know better.

12/11/2005 04:10:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

Sass, sass, sass. You have it wrong - it's not the anorexic chic, it's the PHOTOSHOPPED anorexic chic.

The other night while waiting for something on PBS I passed by the Victoria's Secret fashion show. I stopped on it when A walked into the room. She commented on something one of them were wearing...I think it was that Lima chic. I dug through the catalog bit and pulled out the VC catalog and asked her to compare the catalog Lima with the real Lima. No contest...unless she had a breast reduction she didn't have the same breasts as the catalog.

While it doesn't get to me (I think it's stupid, I mean photoshop out blemishes, but quit making B cups into Ds), it gets to a lot of people, namely young females. There are a ton of girls who clear HS then they're off for their boob jobs. It's both scary and sad at the same time.

Give this guy a fit body any day!

12/11/2005 07:49:00 PM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

Crisis comes and goes. The observent are at especially high risk. I'm pretty good shape, but look nothing like I did at 24. I'm aware of it and it bothers me. My belly hangs ever so slightly over my belt and I avoid standing sideways in the mirror.

Some people are just born with a self crisis issue. I think that it's not such a bad thing though if you let it motivate you to improve yourself.

Time for a bad anology.

I have been drawing all of my life. And in the time that I have been drawing, I have yet to finish a single composition that I am completely satisfied with. I see all of the tiny imperfections staring back at me from the page. I wonder if my effort was worth it. Hours of work, only to stare back at all of the mistakes. However, now I look back at drawing I did only a year or two ago and I see how much I have learned and improved because I was critical. When I step back and look broadly over my life as a artist, I am pleased with myself.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but feeling sorry for yourself and not changing anything is terrible. Feeling sorry for yourself and being motivated to kick a little ass is....... well, not as bad anyway.

12/11/2005 08:02:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

The apartment thing sucks hands down. It's unescapable noise and that is what's most bothersome. You're in your homespace, your domestic castle... somethings got to give.

I would recommend moving. Highly.

As far as your self esteem... Well, I agree with LSD on many points. I think that you may be getting critical of yourself and the way the transition is occuring. And inch here, a inch there... your body will burn and tone where it feels it's necessary anyway... you can't direct that.

Dammit, if only we could.

It took some time to lose my thighs while my freakin' breasts shrank two cup sizes when I lost my weight. Depressing to be in a 6 top and 12 jeans I tell ya.

K, that glimpse of tone you catch... it's there... it's shadowed and hiding from the visual misconception your mind is giving.. keep on keeping on girl.

You're a beautiful hot, medium sized wearing woman on her way to fufilling a goal.

I think you should keep on the positive things you tell yourself and stifle the rest.

k, my .02 cents... exhanged canadian of course.

12/11/2005 10:00:00 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

I think that this kind of thing comes from that little voice that goes off inside your head that tells you it's wrong that things are going so good and it's not easy to turn it off because we barely hear it anymore. I was thinking just the same thing when I put on these pants I got a couple of weeks ago that were unflattering-ly tight than, and for the christmas party were falling off me. I was complaining I needed a belt to keep 'em up and someone said I shouldn't complain. They were right cuz I want to lose weight, but there's this whole host of other things that come with it like that herd of self doubt tramples me.

Keep your chin up Sass, I'm sure you're gonna get through it and start seeing with the right eyes, just borrow someone else's til then :)

12/11/2005 11:36:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

cast: i know it's totally ridiculous. some of these women don't have boobs in real life. and worse, those bras wouldn't HOLD UP those boobs if said boobs were real.

it's like extra lame.

that's what i like about jennifer garner. that chick is ripped up and not pretending to be a d cup.

lsd: i'd be happy to look how i did when i got in my accident. that's only four years ago, it should not be an unreasonable goal.

your belly hangs over your belt because you have an anterior pelvic tilt that pushes your pelvis in a way that makes your belly spill out of your abdominal cavity. do some pilates, fix the lumbar lordosis and your belly won't hang anymore.

crap you just can't turn off the pilates teacher.

i was never once happy with a piece i edited so i feel you on that one.

hey it's true, i climb a little harder and i eat a little less when i'm feeling fat.

and i sent another problem i'd been working on for months today! (it's amazing what a couple of advice sessions with someone good will do... )

so yeah. motivation is great but why aren't i nicer to myself?

12/12/2005 01:45:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles: i actually complained. second person to complain. this bodes well. i confess that since i'll never get a loan i'm considering asking my parents to buy a condo and let me pay for it.

my body is having a great time and it has a history of actually shrinking and growing proportionally. i actually have the exact same body no matter what i weigh it's just that sometimes it's a lot lumpier than others :)

i'm usually a 12 on top and 14 on the bottom or 10-12 split. yours is really difficult for sure. it's so hard to picture you a size 12 now that you're all teeny again.

i know that the muscles are there. i can feel them and i can see huge progress in the classes that i take and teach and the moves i can do both on the wall and on the mat. and still i can't see myself.

funny thing when there's no mirror and i'm just looking at myself i'm happy. but those mirrors i tell you...

2 cents canadian is getting to be worth more in the states these days.

amber: oh man that's just it. you are totally right. also congrats on the size change although i understand your frustration. i don't make much money so to lose inches immediately after paying for clothing makes me a bit unreasonable.

i think we get used to thinking of ourselves as fat or lumpy or out of shape or whatever nad when something happens to change that it's a little scary. the same way that people get attached to pain. they don't want to give it up after a while because it's an old friend.

hmmm i wonder whose eyes i can borrow... :)

thanks amber.

12/12/2005 01:53:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

Erm, Sass..I spend so much time on my ass and then I spend a few hours teaching and walking around the room. I would love it if my job allowed me to stay fit. Stop obsessing. I have loads of pounds to lose...I am not even to the point of thinking about a toned bodu..and yet I am not obsessing :) your body rocks...love it.


12/12/2005 09:29:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

i read shoe shopping...you better call me for that ;)

in other news....i've kind of realized that the bulk of normal people spend about 80% of their lives regretting and hating every little thing about themselves...and i can take the uber hypocritical route and say love thyself as you are..while i sit here planning my day around how to get to the gym twice tomorrow....

i think it's isn't so much accepting yourself that leads to confidence, i think it's accepting that things are always temporary that leads to confidence. the inherent power of self change and the ability to turn all that negative into something positive....that's what makes someone amazing.

enjoy being amazing :) everything else will follow in due time.

12/12/2005 09:49:00 AM  
Blogger terry said...

i was definitely lucky to have elizabeth as one of my instructors! she was amazing.

funny how we all seem to tear ourselves down so often. sounds like you're strong and healthy, and that's what's really important.

12/12/2005 01:19:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

natalia: you are right that i am blessed to have found a calling which also allows me to feed my passion for fitness. that said, before my accident when i had a desk job i still spent all of my spare time exercising. i'm sorta addicted to the endorphins :)

ironically i know RATIONALLY that i look great and feel great and am fit and and and... but damn my self esteem is NOT getting the message :)

elle: since i'm getting climbing shoes i was going to see if hcg would come along and help me out... but when i get street shoes you are SO who i'll call :)

i think you're right but that it might be more like 90%. [why twice in one day?] hmmm things are always temporary, that's a really interesting thought and one upon which i will have to perform much pondering.

*dance of being amazing* :)

terry: if you tell me you had marie jose blum lawrence too i'll have to hate you a little... or michelle larson :)

yeah it's really sick what we do to ourselves sometimes... i have no reason in the world to be down on myself and yet here i am. ahhh people are silly i guess :)

12/12/2005 01:40:00 PM  
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