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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

maudlin holidays

.
i am not a happy camper.

first of all it's taken weeks to figure out an invoice at the studio i rent and i've somehow pissed off everyone there doing it and gotten screwed out of about 50 bucks. teach me to keep better records.

i guess that's merry christmas to them but i'm getting a bit irked about it. that said, i don't trust my own feelings right now because i've gone straight from pms into cold.

[be advised that these folks have been nothing but kind, generous and excellent to me and that i am being a bitch due to general misery (and that *I* fucked up my own record keeping)]

and it's a stupid cold that i caught from hcg without getting ANY of the benefits normally attendant on catching a cold from someone. no dates, no necking, definetely no sex and i'm pretty sure an absolute lack of interest in any of the above from him. nope, i just get the cold.

you know, the colds that i never get? the ones i just ignore and they go away? yeah those things. turns out that if someone cold resistant gets a cold i'll get it.

great.

still have noone to date and i have a cold that has so far cost me 400 bucks and looks set to continue costing me money for as long as my throat is fucked up. i'm certainly enjoying the days off to watch tv and all but it's getting fucking expensive. basically it means that i'm spending the cash i got for christmas from my parents on a fucking cold.

you know, the cash i was going to spend on my car and my credit card? yeah, that cash.

so i got a cold which will end up costing me my entire christmas present ... shocking that i'm feeling sulky about it isn't it? [and if you're about to comment that at least i GET a christmas present to make up for this week then really, fuck off because you've clearly never been self employed and you've also clearly not been poverty stricken for the last four fucking years because some ass in an SUV doens't believe that friction applies to him!]

and then.

yeah there's more. and if you're one of my real life friends OR relatives you may wish to stop reading. well not all of you. johnny told me once that my blog was for me and that even if i thought it would hurt someone it was still my blog and i could say what i needed to say and i need to get this off my chest.

i'm feeling abandoned.

and in a lot of ways that's silly but it's still how i feel.

the vast majority of people i love aren't making time for me this holiday season. they're going off on vacation or spending time with people that are clearly more important to them than i am or they're telling me specifically that i'm not invited to whatever they're doing. so my options for new year's eve at this point include hanging out with a muslim friend and not drinking or hanging out with someone i hardly know. that's it. my options for christmas are a little better. i get to see an out of town friend on friday night and hang with my aunt and cousins on christmas day and if i'm lucky my sister will arrive before dinner on christmas eve (and leave directly after christmas lunch).

that's it. that's my whole holiday. Oh wait i lied... i'm also having dinner with princess valium on boxing day and with hubris on the 27th.

it feels so strange to be approaching christmas with basically nothing to do. i'm going to sit at home in my tiny apartment on christmas night and feel sorry for myself. which, translated, means smoke pot and clean my apartment.

merry fucking christmas.

the spirit of the season hit briefly last week when i went shopping and it probably would have continued to hit had i not come down with a cold and spent the weekend with someone who is basically in her own personal hell. no i can't tell you about it but it is what inspired my '12 angry men' post a few weeks ago.

i just don't know what to do with myself. i've spent new year's with the same pair of people for the last 4 years now and i'm not even really capable of thinking past 'but i always do x' and getting to 'i should do y' so i'll probably end up on my aforementioned couch with some asti and my television.

yeah no pot because i'll be out by then because someone offered something they then took back.

*shaking head* i know that i'm feeling sorry for myself. i know that i should be counting my blessings. i especially know that i should be under blankets rather than typing and i for sure know that if it weren't for one person i wouldn't even be able to afford christmas presents for my loved ones.

ironically being able to afford them is irrelevant since i can't get out to BUY them!

fuck. i do not know how i'm going to get my shopping done, it's exhausting just to walk to the laundry room!

i think i need some soup and a hug.

20 Comments:

Blogger da buttah said...

awww sass!!

come spend x-mas with me. i'll be doing the uber jewish chinese food and a movie....all alone

not even my pets to keep me company.

and i make awesome tom yum goong soup, which will have your sinuses clear for at least three hours ;)

OH! and big boobs=awesome hugs.

what do you say?!!

i can relate to the abandonment. like i said, dropping that guy means all my friends kind of drop me. i have no family within driving distance too

gotta love the holiday blues!

12/21/2005 12:59:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

elle if i didn't have to teach on christmas day and then again on the 27th you would seriously tempt me with that offer!

homemade jewish chinese food? that sounds freaking fantastic. especially because from the sounds of your blog you can cook!

what is tom yum goong soup anyway?

why aren't your pets going to be around?

wait why does dropping that guy mean that your friends all drop you? i totally don't get it. i do get that you're even less familyrific than i am.. you could come up here and we could eat pathetic amounts of sushi together? :)

*huggles* hope we both get less blue!

12/21/2005 01:04:00 PM  
Blogger Blondie said...

*hands over italian wedding soup and gives sass a hug*

I love ya hun. Feel better soon, okay?

And friggin' a, everyone's allowed to feel sorry for themselves now and then. Wallow. I think you're allowed that.

12/21/2005 01:05:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hey blondie! *huggs*

you know i don't think i've ever HAD italian wedding soup. is that wrong in a wop?

the stupid thing about this cold is that until i talk i forget that i'm sick. so i try to do stuff but i feel too tired to actually DO it. it's lame.

mmmm wallowing. i love wallowing! it's just that currently i need to be SHOPPING!

12/21/2005 01:15:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

tom yum goong: thai lemon grass soup. me and my penchant for spicy food..sorry!


well..bro's before ho's right? they were his friends to begin with...so, i'm assuming it's my place to back off completely.

i leave the 26th for vacation, pets are dropped off the 23rd....so..my place will totally empty.

OH MY GOD SUSHI ON BLOOR!

*gets in car and drives*

12/21/2005 01:33:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

NEVER apologise for loving spicy food. never.

cause mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm me too! hell i put hot sauce and garlic in eggs!

okay i can see backing off of his friends but dude how did you end up that all your friends were his? i thought you had friends in law school to start with?

oh right you're off to cali aren't you? lucky girl!

hee sushi with elle! we have to do that for real soon!

12/21/2005 01:48:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

(((((HUGGERS))))

Sowwy about the cold. I think I am brewing one as well...ick...and no I didn't get it from anyone even remotely as cool as hcg...just at the office.

And getting screwed out of money always freaking sucks. But Karma will take care of them if they did something on purpose.

I am no good at cooking, so chances are if I made soup, even if I opened a can and heated it up, I'd poison you or something and that's, like, no good. So, I will limit myself to sending you some cyber soupy thoughts and more hugs and some echinacea vibes so you are all better.

(((HUGGERS)))

-N

12/21/2005 01:55:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hey nat *huggles!!*

yeah i don't mind colds but i wish this one had waited until january. december is already a screwy month financially and that christmas present was supposed to get me back on my feet, not just help me to stay on my knees.

i'm sad you're getting a cold also, it's a shitty shitty time for it. much better when you actually could stand a few days off sometime in january *grin*

no it wasn't on purpose for sure, i fucked up with my records because i didn't understand how they kept theirs. it's just that when you're spending over 600 bucks a month on rent for a place it's hard to swallow when they get quibbley. i'm sure it's cause i'm sick, they've treated me really well all told.

i'll take your echinacea and soupy thoughts and make my own soup thankyouverymuch! (in other words, buy the super expensive soup from the deli that comes in a jar all ready to be heated)

hope you do NOT come down with a cold hon!
*hugs*

12/21/2005 02:02:00 PM  
Blogger othercat said...

Hrm... I guess I'm one of the fuggers who is abandoning you this holiday season. I wish I could take you south with me. At least I'm not sticking you with the responsibilities of looking after Spot and the wee canine.

I hope you feel better soon. Colds suck especially when they ruin holidays. I'll try to come by with a truckload of weed, ricolas and a gallon of chicken soup.

12/21/2005 02:12:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

othercat: well i have spent the last 4 (5?) new year's eves with you so it does feel awfully strange that i won't see you this year to usher in the new year in grand martini style.

but you're right, i sure don't mind that i don't have to take care of grendel! :)

mmmm ricolas, weed and chicken soup. of this are best friends made. see you in a few!

12/21/2005 02:14:00 PM  
Blogger SonusExMachina said...

Mmm... sushi *and* spicy lemon grass soup! You guys are making me hungry with all this talk of food!

Sass - Hope your cold goes away soon! I'm with you on the broke/solitary Christmas; I'm stuck in Northern CA pretty much by myself (well at least I've got the cat), since I can't afford to fly home to Michigan.

Hope you feel better soon, and have a Merry Christmas wherever you are!

:: hugs and vegetarian tofu soup ::

-T

12/21/2005 02:19:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

i had a carb and proteinarific breakfast just now. but i've been living off soup for days and i don't think the potatoes agreed with my throat :(

you know the ancient egyptians had beer for lunch...

i'm sad you're stuck away from your loved ones but at least you got to see them at your sister's wedding. i know that doesn't make up for it at all but at least you saw them near the season? no i bet it doesn't help at all!

i hope i feel better soon too but so far i'm getting worse and not better. worse enough that i'm not even smoking pot :(

*huggs* and mmmmmmmmmmm vegetarian soup!

12/21/2005 02:25:00 PM  
Blogger lividviv said...

Helloooo

I don't mind at all if you go to F's on Saturday, for a little more Christmas cheer. I know it would be more fun for you to go there. Our plan was to spend Christmas eve dinner and evening together but if you would rather scrap that and go to F's, I would really understand and wouldn't have hard feelings.

Feel better soon! You're maybe just flu-ey and feeling rejected where people aren't rejecting you!! At least that's the case with my treatment of you. Can't speak for the rest of 'em. They may all hate you. But somehow I seriously doubt it:)

Love you much
L

12/21/2005 02:45:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

Damn girl, snap out of it! I'm sure being sick isn't helping, but obviously you've got friends.

12/21/2005 04:39:00 PM  
Blogger castufari said...

Come to NC, we can make cacciucco and drink lots of chianti.

I'm mostly alone this holidy, I'm using the time to take care of ME for a change.

12/21/2005 08:05:00 PM  
Blogger da buttah said...

perk of no friends---NO PRESENTS! :)

12/21/2005 08:20:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

lividviv: it's okay, i would love to see f and family but i also want to see you. it's just a weird sort of year and three days (soon to be four) of lying on my couch and wishing i was christmas shopping (or working!) are not helping.

i know they don't all hate me... it is just brought home to me most strongly at the holidays that it's not always easy making your way in the world without someone to go home with at the end of the day.


matt: being sick so isn't helping. i want to go and wander through malls pensively while getting wonderful things for my loved ones and instead i'm lying on my couch watching tv and feeling sorry for myself. othercat did a mission of mercy today which cheered me up immensely!


castu: tease. teasing me with cacciuco that's just wrong.

what are g and a doing this holiday?


elle: so true! but i love giving presents when i can afford it and this year i pretty much can and i love wandering around and finding things that people will love. i'm hoping i'm up to it tomorrow afternoon!

(hoping but not really expecting)

12/21/2005 08:32:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Sass- I read this post yesterday and then again today.

I still have no words of wisdom, but I'm familiar with being poverty stricken.

blah blah blah, I know if I say I'll email you it could potentially make you throw your arms up and say "yeah right"

so, im not saying that, but if you happen to get around to your inbox today... well. hmmm.

yeah. I have soup and hugs for you... I'm also SERIOUSLY contemplating using extra cash for a plane ticket after the holidays.

i care. hope you know that honey.
chin up and use the lotioned tissues... no angry noses for you, it just complicates things.

12/22/2005 01:04:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles: wow, i thought i was the only one who read my posts more than once! :)

i'm not poverty stricken this christmas, like i can afford presents and things... it's just that i was supposed to make a decent living this month with which i could do the usual and then use my parents cash to pay shit off. Instead the paying shit off will have to wait as i need their present to make up for this week.

sucks.

i should know better, historically i'm not allowed to pay off my credit cards.

i did get around to my inbox today :P

i do know that you care, and i know that all the people that read my blog care... but that doesn't make it any less lonely to be the only single person i know at the holidays. wait that isn't true, i know other singles but their families are here.

actually my nose is fine, it's my THROAT! :)

*huggs*

(nice thing about virtual hugs, no germs!)

12/22/2005 05:47:00 PM  
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