maudlin holidays

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i am not a happy camper.

first of all it's taken weeks to figure out an invoice at the studio i rent and i've somehow pissed off everyone there doing it and gotten screwed out of about 50 bucks. teach me to keep better records.

i guess that's merry christmas to them but i'm getting a bit irked about it. that said, i don't trust my own feelings right now because i've gone straight from pms into cold.

[be advised that these folks have been nothing but kind, generous and excellent to me and that i am being a bitch due to general misery (and that *I* fucked up my own record keeping)]

and it's a stupid cold that i caught from hcg without getting ANY of the benefits normally attendant on catching a cold from someone. no dates, no necking, definetely no sex and i'm pretty sure an absolute lack of interest in any of the above from him. nope, i just get the cold.

you know, the colds that i never get? the ones i just ignore and they go away? yeah those things. turns out that if someone cold resistant gets a cold i'll get it.

great.

still have noone to date and i have a cold that has so far cost me 400 bucks and looks set to continue costing me money for as long as my throat is fucked up. i'm certainly enjoying the days off to watch tv and all but it's getting fucking expensive. basically it means that i'm spending the cash i got for christmas from my parents on a fucking cold.

you know, the cash i was going to spend on my car and my credit card? yeah, that cash.

so i got a cold which will end up costing me my entire christmas present ... shocking that i'm feeling sulky about it isn't it? [and if you're about to comment that at least i GET a christmas present to make up for this week then really, fuck off because you've clearly never been self employed and you've also clearly not been poverty stricken for the last four fucking years because some ass in an SUV doens't believe that friction applies to him!]

and then.

yeah there's more. and if you're one of my real life friends OR relatives you may wish to stop reading. well not all of you. johnny told me once that my blog was for me and that even if i thought it would hurt someone it was still my blog and i could say what i needed to say and i need to get this off my chest.

i'm feeling abandoned.

and in a lot of ways that's silly but it's still how i feel.

the vast majority of people i love aren't making time for me this holiday season. they're going off on vacation or spending time with people that are clearly more important to them than i am or they're telling me specifically that i'm not invited to whatever they're doing. so my options for new year's eve at this point include hanging out with a muslim friend and not drinking or hanging out with someone i hardly know. that's it. my options for christmas are a little better. i get to see an out of town friend on friday night and hang with my aunt and cousins on christmas day and if i'm lucky my sister will arrive before dinner on christmas eve (and leave directly after christmas lunch).

that's it. that's my whole holiday. Oh wait i lied... i'm also having dinner with princess valium on boxing day and with hubris on the 27th.

it feels so strange to be approaching christmas with basically nothing to do. i'm going to sit at home in my tiny apartment on christmas night and feel sorry for myself. which, translated, means smoke pot and clean my apartment.

merry fucking christmas.

the spirit of the season hit briefly last week when i went shopping and it probably would have continued to hit had i not come down with a cold and spent the weekend with someone who is basically in her own personal hell. no i can't tell you about it but it is what inspired my '12 angry men' post a few weeks ago.

i just don't know what to do with myself. i've spent new year's with the same pair of people for the last 4 years now and i'm not even really capable of thinking past 'but i always do x' and getting to 'i should do y' so i'll probably end up on my aforementioned couch with some asti and my television.

yeah no pot because i'll be out by then because someone offered something they then took back.

*shaking head* i know that i'm feeling sorry for myself. i know that i should be counting my blessings. i especially know that i should be under blankets rather than typing and i for sure know that if it weren't for one person i wouldn't even be able to afford christmas presents for my loved ones.

ironically being able to afford them is irrelevant since i can't get out to BUY them!

fuck. i do not know how i'm going to get my shopping done, it's exhausting just to walk to the laundry room!

i think i need some soup and a hug.