turning on a dime

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let me tell you my christmas spirit has improved drastically in the last couple of days. i'm still cranky and sick but i did do some shopping today and i've dealt with nearly everyone. Okay that isn't true, i've done all the EASY presents but my aunt, uncle and 2 cousins are still escaping me AND i found the most awesome thing for a friend but they didn't have it in his SIZE!

god dammit!

anyway i feel better because i've done some shopping and because i've realised that in spite of my enforced week off i'm still financially okay. this is unbelievable really because a year ago this would have screwed me like i can't even put into words. i wouldn't have been able to pay my rent.

this year? i'm irked because my credit card will take an extra month or two to pay off.

yeah perspective. pretty awesome.

so, after hubris read my previous post and realised i didn't have squat to do on christmas night he called me up and invited me into his plans. you don't get how awesome this is because i haven't told you yet that his plans involve having lsd come to visit and i haven't seen lsd in ages!

it's extra sucky that the gift i nearly got him today would have been too big though.

so i bumped (with her full consent) princess valium to next friday and now i get to hang out with some excellent friends on christmas night AND boxing day AND on new year's eve eve. Is that a day? it's always nice to hang with the other orphans because you feel less lame for being alone. well hubris' girlfriend will be there but she's cool so it's all right as long as they don't get too squishy.

anyway i'm delighted and i'm feeling much less lonely. i think a big part of my joy comes from having actually shopped. it's so much less daunting now because so much more shopping is done. also i've booked a few clients for next week so i'm working a reasonable week (about two thirds my regular schedule) and that will help make up for this week a smidge.

all in all i'm feeling way better than i was when i wrote my previous post. in fact i'm going climbing. i was trying not to because i'm sick and it can take energy from your immune system but i'm stiff and sore and i felt better on tuesday when i did it so...

okay i'm insane. but i can't shop anymore which means i'll have to shop a little on saturday when i was going to go climb so... you see where i'm going with this?

yup right back to the sickbed!
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i don't have a crush on anyone.

nope, no one.

nope not him either.

just nothing.

i know that doesn't seem like a big deal because well, really? it isn't. but the thing is that i've realised that i'm happier when i'm into someone. i didn't realise this about myself until recently when i sort of went through a little string of mini crushes. (as opposed to the lame ass ones that last months and are emotionally exhausting and just make you tired without accomplishing shit)

and yeah, i'm happier when i'm into someone.

how weird is that? personally i think that it's pretty weird. first of all it's very one track mindish of me to want to serially crush on people and frankly it's innefficient. why can't i just notice (for example) all the men i have liked, will like and currently like at the climbing gym and sorta comparison shop, pick the one i like the best, ask him out and move on?

nope not me, i'll like serially hyper focus on one after the other until i've gone through all the guys in the group that i would consider dating (and a few others to boot) and then i'll be done with that group.

and knowing me? switching gyms for a while. okay maybe not, i'm pretty in love with my gym. you can't blame me, the routes are awesome, there's tons of good bouldering and i don't get tied to the floor. (I fucking hate being tied to the floor)

the good news is that although i still hyper focus i've widened it just enough that if someone asks me out i won't say 'no thank you, i'm hopelessly gone on someone i can't have' and i will say 'i'd be delighted.' this is an enormous improvement let me tell you.

i spent a year in college being gone on some guy who wasn't into me at all and it took until somewhere around month 6 for me to actually be willing to do things with other men... but that's a whole other story *happy memory grin*.

*clears throat*

okay the point is that i'm a serial monogamist when it comes to relationships *and* it turns out i even get like that about crushes. that's just wrong.

ah well, with age comes wisdom and all i can do is keep widening the focus.

someone to date would work too :)