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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Monday, January 09, 2006

body language

okay i'm willing to see if anything comes out of my fingers but i'm not holding out much hope.

did some climbing today and i have to tell you that since i tried my shoes i can't have it's just not ruling my world. i'm sticking my shitty shoes to the wall and they're slipping and my climbing brain is on vacation and it's just weird.

and it wasn't my belay partner either cause his advice tends to be good although he didn't really hand any out today. actually he was the perfect person in the world to climb with because i was *not* happy when i got to the gym... in fact i was close to tears. i can't really explain why, just suffice to say that my heart is feeling a little bruised these days and nasty electioneering isn't helping at all.

neither are the really scary and shitty things that are happening in toronto right now. things involving guns and drive bys and just general mayhem that are completely not like this city that i love. something is happening here and what it is ain't exactly clear and it's setting my world a little off kilter.

so i get there and i'm miserable and i sort of stretch and do pilates for a while and then i go do a couple of traverses and my arms are tired and mad (too fast since i went friday and before that monday... maybe take a few extra days off) and i boulder a little and somehow just when i started to boulder everyone else in the room sort of up and went to the other room to the tougher wall and i was like 'ahhhh alone at last.' by that point if i had exchanged 30 words with the entire gym i'm shocked...

so i stared at the wall and did some not so difficult problems and stared at things i hadn't tried to climb before and just worked my body and threw my mood at the wall.

by the time he walked in i was feeling just human enough to chat with someone else who was antisocial. so he was pretty much perfect for that and then after he sort of worked up to it we went and did routes and somehow it was like we weren't really there. and weird? that group of boulderers came back en masse as we headed out to do routes.

we were in our own little bubble. actually that happens to us a lot.

there were entire sets of routes where all we did was look at knots, belay/climb and wander to the next route. no words exchanged.

god it was great.

one time i couldn't even bear to shout 'take' so i just kinda shook the rope and he sorta jumped and down i came. not a sound.

i'm not fully into my introvert side that often but january brings it out in me big time and i don't think i could have borne hanging out with anyone feeling particularly sociable. in fact hubris and some folks that i know vaguely were there and they kept wanting to talk to me and i just wanted them to fuck off so i could be antisocial and climb.

and it wasn't like i was climbing well. i fell twice off a 5.8 that i usually send and i couldn't finish a couple of 5.9s. I confess that that felt more like my brain than my body though. i just couldn't figure out what to do and yet i had finished both of these routes before.

it's possible that my movement style is transitioning and i'll just have to see how it shakes down. i'm bouldering better... hrm and i'm tired at the top of routes. note to self, more laps and traverses.

anyway there is just something about january that seems to require canadians to fall into their own heads. it's probably that instinct to hibernate that we all have being reinforced by the weather and the light patterns. actually the weather is totally nice right now so i'm going to blame the lights.

i just know that sometime every winter i get this need to sort of pull back from my life and assess what i need and want and that it's hitting early and hard this year [only somehow i'm not in depression mode which is inexplicable]. i think it's because of teaching.

see when you teach movement for healing you somehow get really in tune with the people around you and [bear with me here] the energy flows in your world. so i'm suddenly teaching full time in a career that's the hardest and yet most rewarding thing that i've ever done.

i'm exhausted, i'm broke and yet not broke at last (in other words i got no savings and almost no debts but i have positive cash flow finally!) and i have this crazy schedule that i need to wrangle a little... i can finally start saying no to subs and to classes and clients that i don't want AND i can give notice on my sunday at 8:30am class *tear*

and it means that i am much more in tune with the currents of life in the traditional sense. i tend to be near the moon in my cycle and my desires regarding food really fluctuate with that. i'm energetic and perky in the summer and hibernating in the winter. not that this doesn't happen to everyone but i pay attention to that stuff for a living.

it also means that my current emotional shields are just not up to the job of dealing with this many broken and hurting and hopeless people every week. some of them are wonderful or hopeful or energetic of course and all of them are dear to me in their own ways (not the least of which is that they willingly pay me to do what i love) but somehow.

somehow i'm extra introspective and feeling really antisocial when i'm not at work. i think this will be significantly alleviated when i get a place of my own to teach in. then i will have total control of the schedule and i can just schedule food and rest as i need instead of sort of randomly like right now.

oh my god y'all

i think i finally found a way to make a living that harnesses my excessive social energy. this is um... unexpected



Blogger crallspace said...

Sometimes I just vibrate as a way to confuse those trying to read my body language.

1/09/2006 02:41:00 AM  
Blogger sugarpunk said...

oh sass!... {{HUGS}} im so sorry the miracle of sundays class didnt happen ... i was thinking of it all last week but afraid id break a spell or something.. :(

1/09/2006 05:04:00 AM  
Blogger Jenn! said...

why is it bad to feel introspective and antisocial when not at work...particularly in the winter? not like you won't more than make up for that in the summer....i dunno...i kinda think the seasons do that to people for a reason...i.e. harnessing excessive social energy. kinda lets you rest and gear up for the excesses of summer....maybe.

ok, ok...i personally just want you to rest up and get all geared up for our weekend of excessive social energy/tarts/yoga mats/nyc/big macs this summer...

1/09/2006 09:44:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

crallspace: that's not a bad plan :)

punk: i'm going to miss that class so much but i have to let it go. have to :( as for the other sunday class that may or may not die i think i (unfortunately) saved it.

Jenn: wait i didn't mean to imply that it was bad... just that it was hitting in a new way this year... and that my climbing partner was perfect about it.

i think the energy gets cut in the winter because when we lived in longhouses there would have been too many murders :)

yay tarts on yoga mats!

1/09/2006 10:35:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

OK that whole drive-by and nasty elections and guns is sounding like the US more and more...and that sucks...what are all the Americans who fell like moving to Canado going to do if Canada ends up being more like us. NO NO NO we cannot have that happen.

Sorry your heart feels vruised. January tends to be an odd little month for me too. It's like the end of the year is so hectic and January is a time to start new projects, etc and it takes time to get used to the new year, etc.

Though I am generally so glib, there are times I don't want to talk to anyone or be talked to. We all have those anti-social moments. And we all deserve to have them respected.

Ans hurray for finding a way to make a living that that makes you want to get up in the morning and what not.



1/09/2006 10:36:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: that's just what i'm saying. if that crap is getting imported here (and most of it is importing and not homegrown) then the coolest place i know of on the planet (that i've been to) is fucked and that will break my heart for real.

and no, we cannot have that happen.

i think in a way feeling bruised in january is kind of the natural order of things... although i'm feeling it more but being affected by it less this year. like i'm more sad but at the same time i'm still happily getting on with life rather than wallowing in bed for days on end.

we do deserve to have them respected... what's nice is when it happens without you having to ask :)


1/09/2006 10:45:00 AM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

Introspection is good I think............................................. hold on.................. yup it is good. OK I think thats all I've got to say on the matter.................................................... wait........................................... yup, thats it.

1/09/2006 05:12:00 PM  
Blogger DZER said...

ooh ... sass said harness!!

1/10/2006 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

INtrospection. It's whats for January!

I think that a lot of us feel the exact same way you do (at least I'm gathering such from attitudes, writings, and blog posts). Only you're the one willing to push it out blatently on the page so we can all identify and say to ourselves "yeah, that's pretty much it!"

I decided after this weekend to do some introspection of my own. If I had just kept my mouth shut and let life go on perhaps the situation Im dealing with right now wouldn't be quite so shitty...

but I'm not that girl. never have been... I am after last night.

K, so I'm so stoked for you being able to manage a little better due to your financial situation! that rocks!

Thanks for speaking for those seeking a relation to their own introvertedness that perhaps they don't understand.

wow. deep. k. love ya Sass and hey, was the shoe thing a metaphor?

1/10/2006 10:38:00 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

See I do introspection 24/7...sometimes I have to remember to come out and say hi to the world lol


1/10/2006 11:32:00 AM  
Blogger Hubris said...

wow. What started as a climbing partner before a knee injury is now mostly a "fuck off, I'm climbing with HGC" Am I really expected to read her mind & not try to talk to my friend when I see her at the gym by coincidence?

Sorry dude. Didn't realize I was stepping on your toes.

1/10/2006 12:09:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dude you weren't stepping on my toes, the guy you were climbing with was stepping on my toes pretty hard and since i was ALREADY antisocial and close to snapping i couldn't take it. had they not been there i would most likely have invited you to join us. in fact i tried very hard to be friendly to you while avoiding the people you were with.

and frankly hubris if i were telling you to fuck off i would NOT also be giving you rehab for your knee.

1/10/2006 12:23:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

lsd: word.

dzer: i said 'harnesses' if you must know *grin*

bubbles: yeah dude i think you're right, most of the folks that i know are a little lost in their own heads these days due to the aforementioned hibernation instincts kicking in.

what happened this weekend?

i don't really think of what i do in my blog as particularly different from anyone else but y'all seem to think so. maybe cause i write it i don't see it.

hee and no, the shoe thing was not (in this case) a metaphor... though i suppose it could be...

nat: i know a few folks like that, and i get more and more like that the older i get.

hubris: far as i know i had made my feelings pretty clear at the gym, i'm sorry my post wasn't clear but i thought you knew me better. also since i recall using the words 'i like you but i don't like the people you're climbing with' on more than one occasion i thought you got it. i'm sorry if my post hurt your feelings.

(also it's hcg not ngh *snerk*)

1/10/2006 12:27:00 PM  
Blogger Blondie said...

i tend to fall into the same sort of cycle -- winter brings introspection, summer brings extroversion.

things are falling into place for you, but it doesn't mean you can't reflect on the state of your life. i think it's good for you and i know you're not the type to lash out at people when you don't want to talk; you ride the wave until you're back into socializing mode.

and i agree that once you get your own studio and you have the ability to control the patterns of your day things will even out.

1/10/2006 12:30:00 PM  
Blogger Light Strikes A Deal said...

Hey did I miss the post where HCG turned into a GIDL (guy I don't like)?

1/10/2006 12:58:00 PM  
Blogger Hubris said...

ngh? I don't get it. I got friendliness from you at the gym. I also got that you didn't care to be around the folks who came. Fine. It was handy that I wanted to boulder to warm up & they didn't = boom! they're gone for now. As far as body language or otherwise goes, I detected no unusual anti-socialism. As far as I can recall, there is usually someone you're displeased with at the gym or elsewhere (summertime included). You normally relay this frustration to me & therefore I didn't have any flags from your language. I'd like to think that I do know you better, Sass. But I also know me enough to realize that I read what I see & hear far better than what I sense. Sorry, man, I guess interpreted your post to include me in the fuck-off club.

Not? No worries then :)

1/10/2006 01:07:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn! said...

sass you're the ONLY canadian i know that says "y'all"

and wow...this was a heavy post, and somehow i internalized your bruised feelings...so now i'm feeling all introspective/typical january and wanting to officially start the fuck-off club...cuz i think that is a damn fine idea.

1/10/2006 01:41:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

okay for my typo... it's hcg not hgc is what i meant to type.

blondie: yeah you seem like the same type as me in that way. prone to bouts of extreme socialising followed by bouts of extreme introspection or introversion. i'm certain that the weather plays a big part in that as i know that i'm affected by how much sun is in my life in a big way.

i can lash out, don't think i can't, i just try not to and i try to walk away. it certainly doesn't always work but i do try.

i had no idea how fast i was going to need a space of my own. i'm sort of reeling with needs i can't fulfill

hrm... sounds like my sex life.

lsd: nope, no you didn't. hcg is still hcg and is turning into the kind of friend that it's easy to not talk around. not surprising since he's kind of a taciturn guy. gidl is the guy that was climbing with hubris...

someday i'll tell you what i almost said to this comment...

1/10/2006 03:08:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

hubris: i made a typo, i meant to type hgc cause that's what you wrote but i typoed your typo :)

yeah i was glad you wanted to boulder since i could bear to have you around... and it was nice to chill for a bit.

you're right that there are often people i'm displeased with but sunday i was unable to deal with the world. i was out in it because i needed to climb but every word i spoke was so difficult to form.

nope, you are not in the club, if you were i would tell you to your face...

Jenn: i am? i love y'all it has such simple elegance for conveying you all rather than you singular :)

i didn't mean it to be a heavy post but i guess it was... i didn't even know what was going to leave my fingers until it was done.

hmmm fuck off club. sign me up :)
(but i go on hiatus in the summer!)

1/10/2006 03:11:00 PM  
Blogger JMai said...

How fantastic that you get to do for a living what you love to do in life. It doesn't get much sweeter than that.

1/10/2006 09:41:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

truer words were never spoken... though it does get better... because also? i turn out to be GOOD at it!

1/11/2006 12:16:00 AM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

Ripped and flexible...(drool)


1/11/2006 08:43:00 PM  
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