body language

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okay i'm willing to see if anything comes out of my fingers but i'm not holding out much hope.

did some climbing today and i have to tell you that since i tried my shoes i can't have it's just not ruling my world. i'm sticking my shitty shoes to the wall and they're slipping and my climbing brain is on vacation and it's just weird.

and it wasn't my belay partner either cause his advice tends to be good although he didn't really hand any out today. actually he was the perfect person in the world to climb with because i was *not* happy when i got to the gym... in fact i was close to tears. i can't really explain why, just suffice to say that my heart is feeling a little bruised these days and nasty electioneering isn't helping at all.

neither are the really scary and shitty things that are happening in toronto right now. things involving guns and drive bys and just general mayhem that are completely not like this city that i love. something is happening here and what it is ain't exactly clear and it's setting my world a little off kilter.

so i get there and i'm miserable and i sort of stretch and do pilates for a while and then i go do a couple of traverses and my arms are tired and mad (too fast since i went friday and before that monday... maybe take a few extra days off) and i boulder a little and somehow just when i started to boulder everyone else in the room sort of up and went to the other room to the tougher wall and i was like 'ahhhh alone at last.' by that point if i had exchanged 30 words with the entire gym i'm shocked...

so i stared at the wall and did some not so difficult problems and stared at things i hadn't tried to climb before and just worked my body and threw my mood at the wall.

by the time he walked in i was feeling just human enough to chat with someone else who was antisocial. so he was pretty much perfect for that and then after he sort of worked up to it we went and did routes and somehow it was like we weren't really there. and weird? that group of boulderers came back en masse as we headed out to do routes.

we were in our own little bubble. actually that happens to us a lot.

there were entire sets of routes where all we did was look at knots, belay/climb and wander to the next route. no words exchanged.

god it was great.

one time i couldn't even bear to shout 'take' so i just kinda shook the rope and he sorta jumped and down i came. not a sound.

i'm not fully into my introvert side that often but january brings it out in me big time and i don't think i could have borne hanging out with anyone feeling particularly sociable. in fact hubris and some folks that i know vaguely were there and they kept wanting to talk to me and i just wanted them to fuck off so i could be antisocial and climb.

and it wasn't like i was climbing well. i fell twice off a 5.8 that i usually send and i couldn't finish a couple of 5.9s. I confess that that felt more like my brain than my body though. i just couldn't figure out what to do and yet i had finished both of these routes before.

it's possible that my movement style is transitioning and i'll just have to see how it shakes down. i'm bouldering better... hrm and i'm tired at the top of routes. note to self, more laps and traverses.

anyway there is just something about january that seems to require canadians to fall into their own heads. it's probably that instinct to hibernate that we all have being reinforced by the weather and the light patterns. actually the weather is totally nice right now so i'm going to blame the lights.

i just know that sometime every winter i get this need to sort of pull back from my life and assess what i need and want and that it's hitting early and hard this year [only somehow i'm not in depression mode which is inexplicable]. i think it's because of teaching.

see when you teach movement for healing you somehow get really in tune with the people around you and [bear with me here] the energy flows in your world. so i'm suddenly teaching full time in a career that's the hardest and yet most rewarding thing that i've ever done.

i'm exhausted, i'm broke and yet not broke at last (in other words i got no savings and almost no debts but i have positive cash flow finally!) and i have this crazy schedule that i need to wrangle a little... i can finally start saying no to subs and to classes and clients that i don't want AND i can give notice on my sunday at 8:30am class *tear*

and it means that i am much more in tune with the currents of life in the traditional sense. i tend to be near the moon in my cycle and my desires regarding food really fluctuate with that. i'm energetic and perky in the summer and hibernating in the winter. not that this doesn't happen to everyone but i pay attention to that stuff for a living.

it also means that my current emotional shields are just not up to the job of dealing with this many broken and hurting and hopeless people every week. some of them are wonderful or hopeful or energetic of course and all of them are dear to me in their own ways (not the least of which is that they willingly pay me to do what i love) but somehow.

somehow i'm extra introspective and feeling really antisocial when i'm not at work. i think this will be significantly alleviated when i get a place of my own to teach in. then i will have total control of the schedule and i can just schedule food and rest as i need instead of sort of randomly like right now.

oh my god y'all

i think i finally found a way to make a living that harnesses my excessive social energy. this is um... unexpected

weird.