if today is your birthday...

.
[yesterday] then chances are that you're LSD or mightydoll or someone that i don't know yet. if you're my friend and it's your birthday then WHY don't i know that?

anyhow, lsd popped up to toronto to pass the holidays and has decided to stay for his birthday which suits me just fine because it means i have someone to climb/hang with tonight.

also it's amusing watching hcg react to him. almost amusing enough to make me argue with my gut some more. almost.

not quite because he just doesn't take me up on any sort of spending time together suggestions that i make although he does want to know who that man that i'm climbing with is. ah well.

men suck.

okay men that i want to date that aren't into me suck. or worse... men that i want to date that i sort of need to realise probably don't really suit me suck even more. or worst? men that i want to date that want my advice about other women! (man there's been a lot of those over the years)


[so that was yesterday]
i've been giving some thought to natalia's comment on my last post regarding back burners and i think that she's nailed it. all this time i've been thinking that what i needed to do was to fully get over someone once i decided that they weren't really into me *that* way.

in retrospect that's just silly. i mean why do i need to totally get over someone in order to notice someone else? i don't need to do that at all. in fact what i need to do is stick them in a warming oven in the brain version of the back end of beyond and leave them there. they will either move themselves back to the front burner or quietly overcook and dry up and disappear... but either way there will be much less trauma for me.

there just isn't any reason to get that attached to someone that fast but at the same time there is no reason to force yourself to cut a string that's still pretty stuck in your heart. why not just let it fade on it's own instead like belly buttons do? :)

this is particularly nice because it means that when someone that i'm mostly over is around i can still enjoy flirting and eye contact and even a little pretend dating. i don't actually mean imaginary dating so much as random hanging out with said person and i think i can even do it in a way that won't involve massive heartbreak for me.

wow i'm monotopical these days. i think i get like that whenever i'm at the beginning or end of a crush. somehow they take up a lot more attention in the forefront of my brain then they do during. during they live in my head and they're always there but it's somehow less immediate at the same time.

i can actually hear several of my friends in my head reacting to that last statement with a 'yeah right' and then rampant imitations of me in full blown pining over someone mode. oh man this is actually a really funny mental image and i'm sad that y'all can't share it.

ironically this dovetails nicely with the spiritual journey that i've been drop kicked onto over the last few years. the universe has been trying to teach me that i have to stop planning. stop expecting. stop knowing the outcome and most definetely to stop being in a hurry.

there's a principle of kundalini yoga that i barely know (because i'm not a yoga nerd but i do get in long convoluted discussions with a kundalini yoga nerd) that basically says that if you want something you probably shouldn't have it.

okay that's not it at all. but basically that you shouldn't get attached to ideas or people or things that you want/expect in life. that you should use those wants as a clue into your psyche but not necessarily act on them. that if you want something to distraction you are probably actually feeding some sort of unhealthy mental pattern.

okay first of all i've COMPLETELY bunked it up so please don't go quoting me to yoga nerds and also, please note that the actual saying is about 6 words long. so yeah i'm paraphrasing something i barely understand.

but in a way i think that it's right. i think sometimes that this little quest that i'm on to find someone to date isn't supposed to get fulfilled. or at least not the way i'm expecting it to. i think that maybe it's about me figuring out what i actually want and need in life.

and what i need is a family. what i'm not sure that i need is a 'traditional' nuclear family. i'm much more interested in the idea that a village raises a child and i'm aware that the word village is an allegory for the community of people that you build for yourself in this world.

it's possible that this interest is developing because it's baby making time for my ovaries and there isn't anyone around who wants to make babies with me. (although there are a couple of people in the last year who have informed me that we would make beautiful children *lmao*) I don't consider my gay friend a real prospect because i'm just not sure that i like the idea of sharing a child with someone that i'm not attached to. and i know that attached parents split up all the time but we're STARTING split up. [i get that i may change my mind about that] {tragically any man that i know that i consider a suitable sperm donor would NEVER consider not being involved in raising his child *sigh*}

that said, i would not have made it through the last five years without my best friend and his partner. those two are not related to me, not in any way obligated to me and most definetely not married to me. and yet they fed me and drunk me and even kept me in dope. and there was no reason other than love for them to do that.

these people are part of my village no matter where i am in the world. we love each other. we just do.

i would like to form a community of people like that in a very small place. a place where everyone shares and cares with everyone else. and yet? i still want a man of my own.

*laughs ruefully*