it's like multiple choice, never change your first answer...

.
it turns out that i am full of it. it further turns out that it's really easy to think that you're over someone when you haven't seen the object of your affection for a time.

all it took was a little run in at the gym and i was like 'shit. i really like that guy.'

i like him enough that i'm arguing with my gut. this is *never* EVER ever a good move.

nope, not then either.

and i'm fully aware of the fact that i shouldn't override my gut. i know that that way lies one of those endless crushes that lasts for ever and a day and doesn't seem to ever really get you anywhere but miserable.

i know that all the pining over someone in the world isn't going to get them to like you. i fully get that. i also get that just being around and being your awesomely cool self isn't enough to get a non interested guy into you.

and still there's this little voice going 'but gut... you aren't thinking about xyz' and the gut is going "dude, seriously, he is JUST not that into you" and you go 'but guuuuuuut' and it's like "listen to me bitch, you know what happens when you don't listen..."

and i do know what happens.

first? ALL my friends get tired of hearing about it.

second? *I* get tired of hearing about it!

third? some whining at the other end about how i just wasted a pile of my time on someone who was never into me.

fourth? wondering why i did that again.


i know that there's a certain school of thought regarding this sort of thing.

[damm this band (ozomatu?) from castu rocks so much that i forgot what i was about to say]

i know that there is a group of people that believes that you can't be into someone if they aren't into you but i just don't agree with it. hell i have a friend who ended up in a relationship with someone who liked him for a year from across the weight room.

for a year.

course it did work out for long term crush person in the long run but nonetheless i'm not thinking that it's really the way to go.

also? ltcp was only ever someone to get this friend of mine into the kind of partner that he needed... they still split ugly in under two years.

anyway, i think that it's healthy to get interested in the people around you. it's sort of like reading the menu even if you know what you're going to order. How I discovered that jamoca almond fudge is the PERFECT accompaniment to peanut butter chocoate in fact. i even think that kind of fixating on someone for a little while is healthy and sane.

what i don't like is this stuff that lasts months and months. that's ridiculous. anything that was going to happen would have already. and i'm not talking about those relationships that form out of friendships in some sort of slow juggernaut of inevitability either. those are a whole nother kettle of fish.

i'm talking about the unrequited crush. the one that leaves even the person with the crush feeling like a twit.

i feel as though i'm poised on the knife edge of just one of those and that if i can somehow head it off at the pass i will change my whole crush pattern forever.


like if i can just get the part of myself that's going 'but but but' to shut the fuck up i will be maybe a hundred times saner than i am right now. and i'm pretty sane now about everything but that.

i know i just ranted about this the other day, but i'm on a slightly different plane of it today and it's what i feel like talking about.

he's all taciturn and cranky and still i like him. in fact i like the way he's cranky, it's kind of charming and non offensive. there's two kinds of cranky see... the ones who know it and warn you off in a non offensive way and everyone else. he's the first kind. much easier to deal with.

and sometimes, when he's telling me some little thing and looking at me out of the corner of his eye? i think my gut might be wrong.

and then i go through the entire train of thought posted above all over again.