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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Thursday, January 05, 2006

secret dreams

.
there's one thing that i find really frustrating about new years each and every year. in fact it gets more frustrating the older i get. somehow, no matter how good my life is and no matter how happy i am i end up in a stew of introspection that i have a hard time getting out of.

this year (as you all know) i'm thinking about men and families and more specifically the yes or no of having kids. because i'm single i have to think about doing it alone and you know? although emotionally i want to do it very much there's a reasoning brain that's going 'uh dude?'

i'm sort of quoting someone i'm close to on the above but since she summed up my own feelings and since she won't mind if i quote her with no credit i'm doing so. (course if she wants me to i'll credit her thoughts) anyway the point is that there's this disconnect somewhere. there's the part of me that fully expects to make babies and to have a family around me when i'm 60 and the part of me that wants (for example) a pilates studio/loft of my very own and it seems like i'm going to have to choose between them.

so then i think that maybe i'm just rushing into things and that if i slow down and take a breath and just let my life happen that all of the things that i want will just come to me. except that's what i do. i let my life happen and somehow? that ain't happening.

somehow i'm 34 years old with no real prospects for family. and i KNOW that at least half of you are thinking 'oh just let it happen' or 'when you least expect it' or... and that's fine y'all but although it's the lamest thing ever the cliche about biological clocks exists for a reason. i can't tell you how tired i am of hearing that i have lots of time. i don't have lots of time. i have at most 5 years left where i'll be like usefully fertile and within a year of now the scary odds get a lot scarier. I *had* lots of time when i was 24 for sure... but that was then and this? this isn't.

so now there's a little voice saying 'well dude, why don't you open your studio and then adopt a 5 year old foster kid when you're 40?' and there's no counter voice. there's no piece of me saying 'that's a bad plan dude, don't do it.' in fact it sounds like an excellent plan.

it sounds a hell of a lot better than bankrupting myself at a sperm bank or giving up buying a place to live/work so i can have a kid. it sounds a lot healthier than worrying about it now... but then i think 'didn't you want one that was yours?'

and i did. but maybe that's another one of those wants/needs things. maybe i should think instead about the (for example) cats that i've loved. i didn't bear any of them (shut up!) and i didn't pick any of them as kittens either. in fact they were all rescues. and i love(d) each and every cat that i've ever had and a few that belonged to other people.

so maybe recognizing that the maternal instincts that i have will take over REGARDLESS of the blood connection between myself and a young human is what i'm supposed to be doing. [and it wouldn't suck to keep my pretty stomach... though other parental pilates teachers i know got theirs back]

[jack johnson is too good to listen to while blogging, it's distracting... especially that bubble song]

maybe i'm just supposed to go with my backup dream that involves a beautiful piece of land and a gaggle of kids that need rescuing. i don't really talk about this one much because it's so close to my heart AND because i'm not mature enough to do it yet.

it's funny that i talk about pretty much anything but when it comes to something that i cherish? that i feel ridiculously egotistical for contemplating?

anyway many years ago i read the smoke jumper by nicholas evans (good book actually, worth a week or two... can't say it's worth a year - so decide based on your reading speed) and there was a character who was doing counselling with lost teens.

they had this program where previously lost teens would rescue newly lost teens and so on. uh yeah please tell me that made sense.

so, i read about this and it just sort of came to me fully formed in an instant. this vision of a piece of land somewhere remote that worked like an old time farm except the 'hands' were all healers (mind, body or soul) or kids who were in various stages of healing.

basically a family that i build that is filled with lost souls that save each other. what hubris to believe i could accomplish such a thing and yet that's one of those images in the back of my skull. sometimes i stick surfing in it too but i wonder sometimes if it would be safe to have an ocean around lost children.

i think so,

i mean i've spent many a day sitting on a beach and staring at the waves. and i've spent many more frolicking in those waves and i know that the sea is a place that heals. so i stick a little cliff and a teeny beach and waves in the dream (notice the little cliff for climbing? yeah? yeah? :) and i wonder if i'm allowed to change such a picture.

cause you know what? i keep *talking* about going sperm shopping but i ain't doing shit about it. i'm not doing research. i'm not looking around for men to ask. i'm not shopping the freely available sperm bank websites. i'm not investigating my fertility although i said i would at 33. i'm not really doing anything except musing into my blog.

so maybe i'm full of shit huh? maybe i'm just posturing when i say that i want to be a single mom. maybe what i want instead is a whole gaggle of kids that i didn't make (or someone to do it with... but that's a whole other post).

*shakes head*

food for thought anyway.

17 Comments:

Blogger Matt Vella said...

Hm...I don't know that there's a must choose between kids and career...but that's just my .02.

Whatever happens, I hope you are happy and healthy and that you do what suits you best.

1/05/2006 02:39:00 AM  
Blogger DZER said...

OK ... here's the deal:

You say the word, and I will freeze up some little swimmer dzersperm and send them overnight mail ... I'll even shape them into popsicle form ... for easiest ... umm ... application ... LOL

seriously darlin' ... from all I've "seen" of you and read of you, you will make one of those kick-ass moms, once you become one :)

1/05/2006 06:46:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Sass!

KIDS. God love em. K, these dreams are definetly a subconcious kick in the ass. BUT I think what you need to focus on is not sperm shopping (though I know that's just a symptom), but whether you can/cant work a major uphieval in your life.

I totally spelled upheavel wrong. did it again.. love IT.

When you have children (yours by birth or not) your needs are no longer - ever. never ever.
Well, eventually... but they're second fiddle. I think somewhere a lot of women (not necessarily you) get absolved in the beauty of parenting and bonding... but forget the sleepless nights, worry, cancellation of schedules at a moments notice, and the $220 a week you pay for day care so you can work.

Goes for 18 years directly... and then some indirectly.

If you need sperm, I have some... and no, not stuck in my teeth dammit. I believe hub froze some before the uh... alteration.

I can send you his full resume' and pics for your research LMAO!

Love you.

1/05/2006 10:32:00 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

This is a really hard dream. I have one like it too, sometimes. I was told real young I couldn't have kids. And it made life kinda fun and frivilous, no worries me. Since I got past 29 I have moments where I wonder what if I had a kid(s). Would I be a good mom? I think I'm too selfish for my time and all. I think I'd have to wait a bit more before I get to a really good space where giving up what I want for the better of someone(s) else will be something I can do without getting mad about it. Yea I'm selfish. I know it, but I'm growing.

You are going to find out the best thing for you Sass. And then you are going to do it. Dreams can come true, especially if you make them. You go girl.

1/05/2006 11:43:00 AM  
Blogger sugarpunk said...

hey sass... i think your heart is in the right place ... one thing i wanted to note was the fact that you want to be a MOM has no bearing on singleness... (most married (then divorced)folks that have children DID NOT plan on divorcing ... ) the "pull" if you will is a basic instinct to many women... to be a MOM aka NURTURER .. aka HEALER (even if its to heal themselves) aka TEACHER and lastly the softest place in the world for a kid to fall if she is loved!

and you can start on that goal today... no need to wait for money.. if we did that .. the world would be extinct ...

*hugs* you will be fine....

1/05/2006 01:13:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

matt: there isn't when you're partnered up but there kind of is when you're single, 34 and only JUST dragging yourself out of car accident induced debt. i couldn't even afford the sperm bank if i wanted to right now... let alone my little lofty place.

i am happy and healthy, it just never occured to me that i might not have kids of my own.


dzer: lol popsicle form *snerk*

i think i will make a kick ass mom and more than that i've done a ton of nannying and i've done a lot of helping a lady with a very troubled toddler. i think i'm pretty aware of the risks and the sacrifices too. scared of them, but ready i think.

1/05/2006 01:34:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

bubbles!

upheaval :)

there's definetely some ass kicking going on right now, i mean anyone who follows my blog at ALL can tell that. i just don't really know what to do about it. I do not want to be becoming a single mom at 39 or something, i know how much more tired i am NOW than i was at 30 and i see how much more exhausted my 41 year old first time mom friend is than the younger ones i know (she does have special difficulties also but nonetheless) and i just know that it's getting to the time when i'll feel too old to go it alone.

and frankly, based on the way my dating life goes alone seems like the assumption to make.

i've sat in my apartment alone (making quick runs to the store for food) for weeks on end so i could feed a dying cat through a tube... i think i'm okay with the sacrificing.

you would seriously not mind if your husband had a kid somewhere that wasn't yours? that he had no claim on? are you sure he wouldn't object to that?

*huggs*


amber: oh man that sucks. you don't even get to make your own choice you just have to either adopt or be childless. if you really want to you could foster but it's hard to adopt when you're single. least i've heard that it is. that's why i go straight from the idea of having my own kid to fostering and skip that adopting idea all together.

course if i don't care if the kid is white i can adopt an infant as well... man how sick is that?

i like that you realise that you're selfish AND that you're growing. that's really cool.

thanks amber! i don't think you ever stop looking for who you are and what you need.


punk: i totally know that singleness has no bearing on being a mom except that when you're married (then divorced) you don't have to pay 500 bucks a shot to try to get pregnant. that's a lotta down payment on a loft if i dont' take the first time isn't it?

so i'm being the most loving and nurturing and healing person that i know how to be because that makes me feel good inside but still...

if only i liked casual sex :)

*huggs* thanks.

1/05/2006 01:45:00 PM  
Blogger Natalia said...

I think there are things to consider on this. Surely you might meet someone. But you might not. Or you might met a few someones before you meet THE someone. IF you want children and you know that you want them regardless, looking at doing it on your own is not a bad idea as long as you are emotionally, mentally and financially stable. The idea of adopting is very honorable. I think that there are so many kids that need a loving parent that we should stop production on new babies until we can get the ones already here a home...but that is just me.

I personally do not want children, so I am useless when it comes to trying to put myself in the shoes of those who want the children. But I can understand it from the outside and I think a family is what you make it. Some "alternative families" such as a one parent, etc are better than "traditional families"

I think you have to follow your heart and yet do what is practical as well.

I am not sure I am being much help. But I think you'd be a great mommy.

-N

1/05/2006 02:11:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: yeah i don't take the idea that someone and i could hook up and live happily ever after as impossible. i just realise that i can spend my life hoping for that or i can just live my life as though i'll be alone and yet remain open to the possibilities.

i do really want kids, i just don't want them in the financial state i'm in right now. i will be financially stable in a couple of years but the time crunch is getting... crunchier.

i have no beef with adoption at all, it's just hard and expensive when you're single. they want couples usually (far as i know in my limited research at this point)

i didn't want kids when i was 25 but i want them now. i wonder sometimes how much of it is real want and how much is biological imperative.

i think i would make a great mom, single or otherwise... i just don't know if i can make the money work...

1/05/2006 02:45:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

OT:

I don't have your email address...

I thought you might find this kinda vaguely interesting...I may attempt to drag Hubris out to it myself.

I saw it on LJ's Toronto community, and admit that the ad on blogspot looks...ugh...lame but worst case scenario, cheap drinks with friends!

http://raymitheminx.blogspot.com/2006/01/attention-nerds-stupid-gay-blogger.html

1/05/2006 07:25:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

only problem? i have plans for climbing with mg.

i love the green room, sad i know :)

1/05/2006 11:51:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

I too love the green room.

mmmm kickass phad thai...

1/06/2006 12:25:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

and the deep fried tofu at the red room is even better!

clearly we need to make an outing

1/06/2006 01:41:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

clearly!

why don't you come by after climbing n' have a quick drink or two?

1/06/2006 04:59:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

if mg is up for it i'm in as well... but i don't know when she works tomorrow... how late will you be there?

1/06/2006 06:04:00 PM  
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1/26/2006 10:50:00 AM  
Anonymous pilates certification said...

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2/15/2006 10:38:00 AM  

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