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Location: toronto, ontario, Canada

Sunday, May 14, 2006

number crunching

.
today was not a good day to teach a ball class.

i'm just saying
.

i was paid the best professional compliment i will ever get and i can't tell anyone what it was.

but i'm still dancing about it significantly later
.

beer rocks
.

i have this morass of stuff that's swirling around in my head and i can't actually articulate any of it. i especially can't articulate it into my blog because all of it involves *someone* who reads the fucking thing and a lot of it isn't hrm... mine to talk about.

some of it is good and some is bad and some is awesome and some is just swirling stuff but all of it is deep and interesting and ultimately a little perplexing and this is where i want to come and vent about it.

instead i find myself staring at the keyboard and not writing anything of substance because i don't know what i can even say. sometimes i can write one of my wonderfully speculative blogs and get some really useful advice that often applies perfectly but sometimes i can't.

funny? sometimes a random thought sparked the post and those are nearly always the ones that get people worried about me.

and what's even funnier is that sometimes i can't blog it and it's NOT about anyone who reads this but someone who does will for sure take it personally. i usually manage to remove offending bits, file off the serial numbers and still make things pretty generic but sometimes people assume anyway and sometimes i'm so mad or twisted or confused about something that i can't come up with a way not to rant.

and the problem is that ranting by it's very nature implies that i've already picked a position.

i already know the answer and i've already run the numbers in my head and in some way by doing that i've removed any real ability to hear anything but what i already think being repeated back at me. in fact i miss eddie for that, it was nice having a serious republican around because he didn't agree with me already.

[2-1 edmonton!]

there's a certain element of damm the torpedoes and if i can find ways to post things that won't be catastrophic to my personal sense of a happy life i'll do it. but i've been thinking a lot about this sort of thing for a while now (since my blog is getting sorta auld) and while for a long time i thought that my blog was mine to do with as i wished and damm the consequences i don't really feel that way anymore.

i've hurt people's feelings with this blog. i've hurt people that i love very much by saying things that were thoughtless. moreso by saying things that i was aware were hurtful and yet failed to think about first.

failure to consider the repercussions of my actions.

something that i pride myself on doing in my day to day life. every day i consider the ramifications of what i do before i do it and i try to leave the fewest ripples i can manage. well unless someone needs a wave but that is rarely done in haste and at it's most effective it's done by accident and without the knowledge of the wave generator.

i think the wiccans have it right with 'an it harm none, do what thou wilt' or their threefold rule [anything you send out comes back to you threefold] and the puritans or whomever had it right with the golden rule [do unto others as you would have done unto you].

and i wasn't doing that with my blog.

i was *mostly* ... i mean there have been a number of soap operas behind the scenes and stuff but i wasn't altogether being considerate when i decided what to post.

and i am not apologising for making anyone cry. that's the coolest thing ever i think. if your words can affect someone to that profound a degree and you haven't said anything in anger or meanness? that's powerful stuff.

and i'm not apologising for calling someone an ass a while back and getting caught out at it by said person. still have no fucking idea how they knew it was them though.

but i am sorry for whining about my lot in life in a way that made someone i care about very much feel accused.

and lately i'm staring that in the face a lot. as more and more of you know the details of my life and as more and more of my offline friends start to participate in my blog the edges have blurred.

i was thinking once that this blog was in a transitionary period but i wasn't right, that was just me finding my voice but i think i'm making a transition now and i think that's being reflected in my traffic.

i'm not sure what i'm writing about anymore and i've covered a lot of my regular themes more than once and you can only talk about climbing and learning to move so much before you bore everyone to tears... hell i'm even working on my SECOND 'things i know to be true post' ... so i'm definetely in old television show territory.

if this was er a hot, damaged, croatian doctor would walk through the metaphorical doors and liven this bitch up. since it isn't i'm not really sure what to do.

i feel like i'm going stale or flat or something and then i go read elle's fucking awesome post from today and feel even flatter. part of this is just monthly crap but i don't think that's all of it. and it's definetely not the same as the days where you have nothing to post in a general run of good stuff.

what does a stale blogger do when her blog is all stale and stuff?

29 Comments:

Blogger Natalia said...

First...th is blogger needs to realize that her blog is NOT stale. But also it's funny because the things you write about always feel like they hit home and that's what blogging is about for me...a cyber soap box but also a place where others can see their lives reflected and find some comfort.

And, also...a meeting place where people can hang out.

We love this place.

-N

5/15/2006 08:43:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

nat: really it's not stale? cause i've been feeling like it's a little blah lately. or like all i want to do is rehash the same old topics...

i guess that's okay if i take a different approach or something.

you're right though, the blogs i like are the ones with the highest percentage of hits home (or they're super funny like casually me...)

i love this place too but it feels like it's getting a teeny bit stagnant... or i have pms *snerk*

5/15/2006 10:52:00 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

I think the idea of stale comes from the inside. It's mostly something I thnk I am on my blog because I feel like I'm repeating themes too => but a lot of it has to do with stuff that stays on my mind and I play with endlessly. So by the time I blog any of it, it's kinda old and tired in my head.

I too try to tread carefully around people, most of whom I know merely casusally in real life, and don't care if they're being jerks to me. I still can;t find a way to be a jerk to them in writing on a blog they may not even be aware of - but the chance they will find it keeps me from saying it. So I'm weird.

5/15/2006 11:33:00 AM  
Blogger da buttah said...

i don't think your blog is blah lately. think it just comes from being self critical and reading too much into your own shtuff.

i think my blog sucks too...but, the beauty of it all is it's mine :) and at the end of the day it's for me..and no one else.

5/15/2006 01:01:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

Actually, do what thou wilt is Crowley, who most Wiccans would rather not be associated with (though some love him to bits...)

The quote is from the Liber Al vel Legis (Book of the Law) and goes thusly: "Do what thou wilt shall be the the whole of the law. Love is the law, Love under will"

It's often associated with The Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, due to Crowley's associations with that organization, but it is in fact something he felt was revealed to him after his expulsion from the order.

/esoteric history lesson

5/15/2006 04:33:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

Hrm, half of my comment seems to have vanished...I musta accidentally highlighted/erased it at some point in the mad typing...I hate it when that happens.

Really, it was just further ramblings on Crowley including mention that The Book Of The Law became the primary text for the A:. A:. (Argenteum Astrum, the Order of the Silver Star) And the basis for Thelemic Magick study (Thelema being the Greek for "The Will", and meaning something different from doing whatever you want.)

5/15/2006 04:42:00 PM  
Blogger Matt Vella said...

I don't see the stale thing going on at all, I especially enjoyed your last entry.

I do know how it goes though, because I get stuck from time to time and it seems hard to get unstuck.

You seem to power through it just fine, judging from today's work!

5/15/2006 05:49:00 PM  
Blogger terry said...

hmm... this is all very cryptic. i'm so curious about the stuff you can't tell us, but i'm nosy that way!

and i see no staleness either. i love reading whatever you write. you just have this great style that's entertaining in and of itself.

i'm not ass-kissing, either.

5/15/2006 08:25:00 PM  
Blogger john said...

beer rocks

Yes. Yes, it does. Especially when coping with an embarrassing 0-4 sweep of the Avalanche by the Mighty Ducks...

Sass, anyone who posts regularly knows how difficult it is to come up with something fresh and original on a consistent basis. Even when someone isn't necessarily seeking to meet that end, finding something worthwhile to talk about can often be a daunting task. Everyone goes through cycles of self-perceived slumps in which they question the quality of his or her output. The thing about your blog, however, is that even if things are ebbing (which I see no evidence of), you still express yourself far better than the vast percentage of other bloggers out there (the company of fellow commenters excluded, of course...). Keep it up, you rock chica!

5/15/2006 09:14:00 PM  
Blogger Casually Me said...

I think your blog is what it is, innovative and fun. Of course there could be naked pictures on here, that could end the staleness...or it could be just my proclivity for naked pictures...lol. Here is something to end the staleness...think of it as an exercise in writing...What is your best day? Could be the best day you have ever had, or a mythical best day. Here's the tricky part, in the story...you have to be the only person on earth. Just an idea...

5/15/2006 09:58:00 PM  
Blogger kathi said...

Your blog isn't stale, you're just in a funk of a mood. And how did you know you made me cry when you called me an ass???

5/16/2006 10:11:00 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

I agree with every comment on here, although I like it when you call me an ass sometimes.

I think, for us all, there comes a time when we're 50/50 on what we're writing, but you have to remember there's a reason we read this and that's because we enjoy your writing, and all the subject and content and deep thinking that goes with it.

But, if anyone understands how you feel right now, I do. I cannot write what I want to write a good 75% of the time, I have to halt, delete, re-think, and pass. Sometimes I just want to say 'fuck it' because I have feelings I can't justify or get off my chest on my blog and it sucks.

What does a stale blogger do when her blog is all stale and stuff? You take a hiatus, or, if you're anything like me... you say you will and then you don't. LOL

*shrug* I suck. You don't.

5/16/2006 10:38:00 AM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

The answer you may not want to hear: (I hate that blogger doesn't allow me to title my response)

What does a stale blogger do when her blog is all stale and stuff?

Two answers: Go out and live some more.

: Identify where the repetition is in your blog, and therefore in your life and face it directly, change it by asserting direct, courageous influence.

They tie together too. Many of us blog out of fear of viewing life without that barrier. Fear of communicating without that barrier, fear that what we want to communicate is invalid, and therefore a necessity to bounce it off those we won't have to deal with in our daily lives. And we invite those in our daily lives into it, in hopes that they can share in what we have to say and then we find our blog doesn't "work" anymore.

But if that's what we were using it for the first place, it never did "work" it was just an escape.

Find out what it is you don't want to face and face it. Then you'll find new things to write about.

5/16/2006 11:38:00 AM  
Blogger Hubris said...

I have not the words...

I think I'll go read it again.

5/16/2006 12:59:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

sorry i took so long y'all, it's been a hectic 36 hours...

amber: i think you raise an excellent point, stale is more in the eye of the person on the inside than it is something that comes from the outside...

and i think the idea that revisiting the same themes all the time but from a steadily evolving perspective has a great deal of merit. and yeah i know what you mean, by the time i'm ready to type it out i'm bored with it.

i don't mind being a jerk to people i know won't read because i know no one else will know who i mean... but most of my immediate circle reads this blog so...


elle: yeah you're probably right... and also pms :)

your blog is awesome... it has better days and worse days like the rest of us but your percentage of better days is significantly higher than most.


md: strange, according to the admittedly brief research i did there is fairly significant argument about the origin of the phrase. this seemed pretty useful to me...

actually i think a research blog into the misleading origins of a lot of phrases might be a lot of fun.

i don't think it means whatever you want, i think it means that after careful consideration of the repercussions on yourself and the world around you you choose to do what you feel is right... or what you want :) but that it is never a blind choice.

5/16/2006 01:43:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

stoopid blogger wouldn't let me post this morning...

matt: the one about frisbee golf or the one about imaginary friends? :)

yeah i've definetely been here before and gotten through it okay with the help of a tag or two and random thoughts inflicted by tv commercials or passing overheard remarks or whatever...

thanks! right back atcha.


terry: well, fair enough... it's not necessarily bad or anything just feels like not necessarily my shit to discuss with the universe. i'll figure out how to make it non-referential and post then.

thanks! i'm glad to know that because then i won't feel so bad revisiting themes :)


john: doesn't it just?

oh man how do you think i feel about how hard calgary went down? hell my team didn't even MAKE the playoffs.

heh you're only trying to bore us to death and you don't even manage that! it's like you're interesting in spite of yourself.

yeah the commenters on this blog rock at LEAST as much as the blog and in my opinion about ten times more :)

and thanks! i wasn't trying for compliments but i appreciate them just the same.


cas: wow i'm innovative? cool!

well i've posted pics in pvc and lycra... isn't that close enough?

i'm quite enjoying the idea of that exercise so i've posted it to myself and saved it as a draft for a rainy day.

5/16/2006 01:51:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

kathi: i never called you an ass, i called a man an ass... but i didn't use his nick or hint in any way that it was him and still i got email going 'is this me?'

i was a bit stunned :)

and i'm glad y'all don't see the stale, i'll stop worrying about it and just post.


bubbles: ass!

also fucker AND cocksucker *grin*

you know it's interesting that you're in the same boat i am. although my blog is older than yours we both sort of took off at the same time. you took off a LOT harder than i did but nonetheless we're both at a similar stage. a relatively popular blog (i'm not claiming to be dooce or anything) with regular comments and readers from our offline lives... and the balancing act is hard.

i've thought of starting an anonymous blog somewhere but really won't i just be in the same boat a year from nwo if i do that? [so cocky to assume anyone would read an anonymous blog too... ah well :)]

i've definetely stepped back a smidgen but that's more because i'm busy dating and my time is shrinking.

sweetie i might suck if presented the correct opportunity *snerk*


md: you can do bold or italic which renders it like a title?

regarding the go out and live one i don't really know how i could do that more than i am already. i think i'm maybe home two nights out of twenty and in some ways i think this funk might stem from not enough me time rather than too much... but time will tell :)

it's like with dating when people kept saying 'put yourself out there' and i was like 'all i am is out there...'

anyway still good advice for lots of folks.

now the second suggestion is more interesting. i'm not too sure how to implement it exactly because i almost feel like i have too many thoughts rather than not enough... and i think for me (and this thought is coming directly from your comment by the way) it's maybe more that i'm not dealing with the things that i want to blog about and i'm trying to blog them so i don't have to deal with them.

tragically it's not working *g*

i don't really know what i started this blog for, mostly a whim while my sister read 'the best page in the universe' at an internet cafe :)

i can think of at least three things i don't want to face and all of them are blog posts i can't write...


hubris: what did you come up with?

5/16/2006 02:04:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

I didn't think that getting out there and living was your problem, really, but you're only out there as much as you allow your inner self to be out there.

It doesn't matter where your physical form is, if your head is somewhere else...

You know?

5/16/2006 02:24:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

oh and despite what many Wiccans seem to think, Wiccanism is a relatively new faith, an amalgam of what could be cobbled together from old ones and Crowley does predate any modern form of Wiccanism.

That said, That quote does seem to have it's own basis, though I'd be shocked if it wasn't snagged from A:.A:. directly and then "clarified" since without the an' it harm none it can be easily miscontstrued (without the understanding that this refers to Will, as your spirit or soul and something that cannot harm anyone since it's entirely internalized.)

Wiccanism is a funny little group and unfortunately it's rife with historical errors.

Some of my favourite people in the world are Wiccans, but the group as a whole is very scattered in belief systems and understanding of where those systems came from.

Gardnerian wiccanism can be particularly called to the plate for that because it is based on one man's cobbling together. Fortunately or Unfortunately as the case may be, It's also the largest and most vocal sect.

Gardner, however was not necessarily entirely a good thing to happen to the church. He resembled nothing more than a cult leader.

beyond this and the discussion will get far too long for my poor wrists to type.

5/16/2006 02:38:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

md: hrm that's a really interesting thought.

must ponder.

regarding wiccanism i think you're right that the discussion could go on forever. that said, we should smoke a bowl one day and talk about this in more depth. i would like a lot to know more and you seem a bit like an authority.

:)

5/16/2006 02:44:00 PM  
Blogger mightydoll said...

*grin*

sounds like fun.
I love to ramble on about myth and legend and comparative religion. I can talk about it until my face turns blue (and still not even TOUCH the amount of knowledge that a lot of my friends have on the same topics, so I'm not sure "authority" is the right word)

5/16/2006 02:50:00 PM  
Blogger Hubris said...

come up with? nothing really... I was very tense getting into TO yesterday and that tension disappeared very quickly after getting to your place & I found that weird and a tad inexplicable but rolled with it because a great time was being had. Then, reading this today seems to fill in the mystery of yesterday if I'm understanding it correctly.

5/16/2006 03:48:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

I don't think you are stale :)

crackers are stale, you are not a cracker

<3

hunee

5/16/2006 04:19:00 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/16/2006 04:19:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

md: all right it's a plan. do you think the boys would be interested? i think with your friends that might be almost too much to handle at first... but i'm quite curious about modern non major religious practises.


hubris: you were tense? must have been the train. if it helps i noticed nothing at all of the sort when i saw you. i only caught tension from you and othercat with mister hey stop rubbing me.

it's weird that you lost tension when you got to my place? why you had two beers in you and weed was about to be smoked. (i wrote it sunday...)


hunee: *snerk*

*huggles*

5/16/2006 04:49:00 PM  
Blogger john said...

Trust me, Sass, those compliments were honest and sincere.

you're interesting in spite of yourself

That's it, I have some dulling down to do. Tomorrow's post: 58 Detailed Reasons Why I Love My Staple Remover...

;-)

5/16/2006 09:41:00 PM  
Blogger JMai said...

I think a blog is only stale if its readers find it so... and I think you have a pretty loyal bunch of readers. Judging from the comments I skimmed, they don't find it stale. So.

Then again, if you find it stale.. or if you feel compromised by the publicity of the blog (not to imply that those are the same, because they're quite different I should think) then that's a different story.

At the end of the day though, I think the blog is yours alone, and we readers are just along for the ride. We get to enjoy it (or not) depending on topic. My questions is, are you writing for you, or for us? I think some bloggers do both, some write for the publicity and umm... I guess affection might be an appropriate word ...of those who read and enjoy. And some just blog because they feel like getting stuff out. Some combo-blog for all those reasons.

I love reading your blog. I enjoy your analogies (which are quite good!) and following your thought patterns. I don't think it's stale and I'll miss you if you take a break!

Also I'm with Terry -- nosy and wanting to know what's going on!

5/16/2006 09:54:00 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

You know what sweetheart, I could definitely spark with you about that anon blog. That way I would be sure to really be a friend and support to you in other ways I can't in other err venues. I always kick myself about some past things, but think that perhaps if I cut the ropes that bind me I can be freed to another stage of growth and development.

I stepped back and hit an immature phase and that's not really what thats about. I have an 'idiot outlet' spot. like a playpen or a binky that can suffice me now that I can concentrate on what I really intended to write in the first place, and started to but lost focus.

I love my idiot spot though, it appeases the inner child in me.

I have always loved this blog. It's a special place for me and I could never de-link or lose you. I think in all your blog is popular because you're real, believable, adaptable, and free thinking... too many people these days live in fear of exactly that thing.

Don't ever be that person... *ha* I don't think you ever will and I love you for that.

Uhh, you know.. I would let you suck!!! *sigh* and then you get me with that wonderful smile too!!! :)

5/16/2006 10:22:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

john: five bucks says you make it funny or something :P

also? thank you.
:)


jmai: i think you're right :)

it's funny, i don't so much think it's stale as that i've sort of come around again to a pile of themes that i've already explored. but amber is right, these themes exist for a reason.

you're right that it's mine but any thing is changed by the act of observing it and my blog is no different. my early posts are much less thoughtful and speculative and tend to be shorter... but this is the blog that grew from me and the people who read me. and it's right.

but sometimes it will chafe a little... my climbing shoes chafe a little too but that doesn't make me love them any less :)

i started writing for me and to explore my own thoughts for sure... but some days i only post because i feel like y'all are due. funny that sometimes those are the best posts :)

i love your blog too, and thank you for the kind words! i'm not planning a break i just feel a transition coming and i don't know what it means or even if it's just pms :)

[world's LONGEST fucking case of pms EVER. my boobs have been sore for nearly TWO FUCKING WEEKS!]

well hrm... lots of stuff ? :)


bubbles: we should talk. it would be a lot more fun to do with someone else. that said? if we do it we don't tell anybody.

well i think it's good to cut the ties that bind sometimes... but sometimes it's gooder to let them bind tighter...

idiot spots kick ass dude... :)

it's funny because i loved your blog the day i read it and i haven't stopped since. i've read every post you've written and commented on most of them... gotta love mutual admiration :)

adaptable and free thinking... good things to aspire to in your kids *grin* and that's just what my parents thought.

*huggles* babe, right back atcha!

i know you would let me suck, or not as the case may be *grin*

5/17/2006 12:41:00 AM  

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