number crunching

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today was not a good day to teach a ball class.

i'm just saying
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i was paid the best professional compliment i will ever get and i can't tell anyone what it was.

but i'm still dancing about it significantly later
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beer rocks
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i have this morass of stuff that's swirling around in my head and i can't actually articulate any of it. i especially can't articulate it into my blog because all of it involves *someone* who reads the fucking thing and a lot of it isn't hrm... mine to talk about.

some of it is good and some is bad and some is awesome and some is just swirling stuff but all of it is deep and interesting and ultimately a little perplexing and this is where i want to come and vent about it.

instead i find myself staring at the keyboard and not writing anything of substance because i don't know what i can even say. sometimes i can write one of my wonderfully speculative blogs and get some really useful advice that often applies perfectly but sometimes i can't.

funny? sometimes a random thought sparked the post and those are nearly always the ones that get people worried about me.

and what's even funnier is that sometimes i can't blog it and it's NOT about anyone who reads this but someone who does will for sure take it personally. i usually manage to remove offending bits, file off the serial numbers and still make things pretty generic but sometimes people assume anyway and sometimes i'm so mad or twisted or confused about something that i can't come up with a way not to rant.

and the problem is that ranting by it's very nature implies that i've already picked a position.

i already know the answer and i've already run the numbers in my head and in some way by doing that i've removed any real ability to hear anything but what i already think being repeated back at me. in fact i miss eddie for that, it was nice having a serious republican around because he didn't agree with me already.

[2-1 edmonton!]

there's a certain element of damm the torpedoes and if i can find ways to post things that won't be catastrophic to my personal sense of a happy life i'll do it. but i've been thinking a lot about this sort of thing for a while now (since my blog is getting sorta auld) and while for a long time i thought that my blog was mine to do with as i wished and damm the consequences i don't really feel that way anymore.

i've hurt people's feelings with this blog. i've hurt people that i love very much by saying things that were thoughtless. moreso by saying things that i was aware were hurtful and yet failed to think about first.

failure to consider the repercussions of my actions.

something that i pride myself on doing in my day to day life. every day i consider the ramifications of what i do before i do it and i try to leave the fewest ripples i can manage. well unless someone needs a wave but that is rarely done in haste and at it's most effective it's done by accident and without the knowledge of the wave generator.

i think the wiccans have it right with 'an it harm none, do what thou wilt' or their threefold rule [anything you send out comes back to you threefold] and the puritans or whomever had it right with the golden rule [do unto others as you would have done unto you].

and i wasn't doing that with my blog.

i was *mostly* ... i mean there have been a number of soap operas behind the scenes and stuff but i wasn't altogether being considerate when i decided what to post.

and i am not apologising for making anyone cry. that's the coolest thing ever i think. if your words can affect someone to that profound a degree and you haven't said anything in anger or meanness? that's powerful stuff.

and i'm not apologising for calling someone an ass a while back and getting caught out at it by said person. still have no fucking idea how they knew it was them though.

but i am sorry for whining about my lot in life in a way that made someone i care about very much feel accused.

and lately i'm staring that in the face a lot. as more and more of you know the details of my life and as more and more of my offline friends start to participate in my blog the edges have blurred.

i was thinking once that this blog was in a transitionary period but i wasn't right, that was just me finding my voice but i think i'm making a transition now and i think that's being reflected in my traffic.

i'm not sure what i'm writing about anymore and i've covered a lot of my regular themes more than once and you can only talk about climbing and learning to move so much before you bore everyone to tears... hell i'm even working on my SECOND 'things i know to be true post' ... so i'm definetely in old television show territory.

if this was er a hot, damaged, croatian doctor would walk through the metaphorical doors and liven this bitch up. since it isn't i'm not really sure what to do.

i feel like i'm going stale or flat or something and then i go read elle's fucking awesome post from today and feel even flatter. part of this is just monthly crap but i don't think that's all of it. and it's definetely not the same as the days where you have nothing to post in a general run of good stuff.

what does a stale blogger do when her blog is all stale and stuff?