this is unbelievable

So there I was, an hour ago, lying in my bed and staring at the darkness and imagining that maybe just maybe I would get five hours of sleep. Yeah what a crock. At 4:38am I gave up and came out to the computer and wrote a terrific post about my lack of sleep. It was even funny and had sailors and hos in it. Trust me, nothing is more creative than a mind that is stoned on lack of sleep.

I previewed and I edited and I previewed and I hit back and my post was gone. Just gone. For the record, I disrecommend the preview button. I'm pissed.

So I typed a short rant, shut down the computer and went to bed. Again. For the third time. And still, more ceiling in the darkness, more cat petting and more mind going clickclickclick.

The beauty of this is that in my previous post I had mentioned how much I missed my drug habit. If I still smoked a couple of joints a night I would be sleeping like a baby right now. But no, I had to get mature and stop keeping dope in the house [no will power, if i can get at it i'll smoke it]. I would be oblivious right now if I kept dope in the house in fact.

But then!

Then I REMEMBERED. My pal was here the other day and we did bong hits with his hash in my bong. Not only that but he said something about 'you can finish this off later' and I FORGOT about it. Until 5:28 this morning that is when my brain remembered this wonderful occurence. So I got up and came out here and there it was. A perfect little go to sleep hit waiting in my bong. So I figured I would blog while I distracted my brain and smoked the hash and then went back to bed.

So yeah. I knocked over the bong after the first toke. Fortunately it was a good toke but still. It's not my night is it? I have to be up in 4 hours. 4 hours and 10 minutes if I don't go to Second Cup and get coffee. And then I have manual labour to do all day. This is tragic.

Anyway I sorta swabbed the crap off my desk and stuck it back in and got a bit more of it... and a few other things besides. Wonder what they are. Don't care, do wonder.

If only sleep were like sailing eastward on the ocean. You know that you're going to hit land eventually, you just hope that it's before the food runs out and that you don't HIT the land you just sort of see it and then aim at a port. But sleep with a deadline isn't anything like that. It's a desperate attempt to reach sleep in a reasonable amount of time before you have no chance of having a good day the next day. I've passed my marker at this point. Tomorrow is just going to be a fucked up day no matter what.

You lie there and you count the minutes and you imagine that you can relax yourself enough that you can do it.

You try to play the alphabetical animals game.

You try to fantasize about the man who makes you blush and smile when he touches you.

You pet your cat and imagine that she will put you to sleep with her purring.

You contemplate orgasm but you can tell your body would be more awake not less.

You think about how pissed you are at the West Wing and your intention to blog it [As IF! Who are they kidding 'leo must have left already'... you're at camp fucking david with a peace summit. Of course no one's checking the gates and absolutely no one is patrolling the grounds. Not to mention that the press secretary gets to be the chief of staff now. I see sharks jumping.]

You try to blog to get your mind off things and delete your post.

More cat petting.

More man daydreaming.

More wishing for sleep

More wishing for sleep.

More dreaming, fantasizing, bribing the gods for sleep.


God I hope the drugs work.

4:38 am etc

This really sucks
a lot

I just wrote a great entry and i hit back from the preview screen instead of close preview and it's gone.

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.

I want my page of ranting about being awake at this ungodly hour back. It was even a little funny.

Sucks.

the new television season is KILLING me

I'm dying here. Why is it always feast or famine in the television world? Some years there's 100 new pilots and all but one of them sucks. This year every show that I've watched I've liked. Even Clubhouse although I've had to drop it due to unavoidable time slot conflicts. Usually in Canada I can get around the US timeslot issues because several shows are played at funny hours. This not being able to do that on Tuesday at nine is pissing me off. Kudos to Veronica Mars and One Tree Hill for winning my personal timeslot fight.

So, usually I take 20 or so new shows and watch them all once or twice and then chuck at least 15 of them. This year I've falled for SO many shows. Worse yet ALL the returning shows are kicking ass. For example Smallville, which I stopped watching two years ago, is rocking up the joint with yummy Jensen Ackles and roundhouse kicking Lois Lane. She's awesome let me tell you. So suddenly I'm on the Smallville train, a train I was NEVER on!

This doesn't even mention the shows which haven't even premiered yet like West Wing, Tru Calling, The OC, House, Alias and the Amazing Race 6.

So the new shows that I've picked up (SO FAR!!) are [in no particular order] LAX, Lost, Desperate Housewives, Veronica Mars, The Mountain, Life As We Know It, Kevin Hill and Medical Investigation. The ones I'm watching that I don't expect to survive the return of the OC are Dr. Vegas, Boston Legal, Jack and Bobby, and North Shore. I may not be telling the truth here, I suspect that Dr. V, North Shore and maybe even Boston Legal will survive any purge I may make. Ohhh I'm so screwed, I have SO many shows to watch. Even Jack and Bobby might be okay if Christine Lahti's character would just STOP having these ridiculous rants with no forethought whatsoever. How else has the professor remained unfired? I was just about to drop J&B and then those bastards went and stuck on Bradley Cooper whom I love. Bastards.

Okay and that's just the NEW shows. Then there's the returning shows. The ones I will watch until they die include Gilmore Girls, Charmed, ER, Andromeda and Crossing Jordan [well at least while Jerry O'Connell is on...] Then there's the sophomore shows which rocked so much in their first year that I have to watch them through most of this season just on previous strength... Nip/Tuck is a great example of a show I would have dropped if season one hadn't been SO amazing. That and it's on in the summer for me so it's not that hard to keep.

So the sophomores to which I have loyalty are Joan of Arcadia, One Tree Hill, Las Vegas, NCIS, Two and a half Men... and they're ALL rocking this season dammit. Dammit couldn't anyone suck?

Finally there's the shows that I like but don't have dedicated loyalty to. Shows like Survivor, Enterprise, What I Like About You, and Judging Amy.

I'm almost hoping for some cancellations just to keep myself sane. That's THIRTY hours of television in a week when everyone is running new episodes. Sweeps will just freaking kill me. I already dropped Clubhouse and there's still another conflict in that timeslot coming in a couple of weeks. Why does everyone run the shows I like at the same time? Monday is practically empty for christ sakes. There isn't a single thing on on Saturdays. It's frustrating. Least I didn't like Joey, solves the Survivor/OC/Joey dilemma.

Seriously folks what's going on? Why isn't anything sucking this season? I love new shows on ABC and UPN for crying out loud. This is ridiculous. Least NBC is doing less well... Hawaii wow. That was just bad.

It's funny that I don't mention CSI:NY. I hate CSI:Miami because Boratio is the most boring character on television and they leave legal holes you can drive a train through. I liked original CSI until they started dumbing it down for their new audience. This NY one though. I can't decide if I like it. My friend Princess Valium actually tells me to blog all the ways that I hate it. Mostly because they're hilarious and I am apparently stretching. The coroner is playing the identical person he played on the Handler and it's like a record scratch in my brain every time I see him. They steal DNA from people who refuse it to them but unlike original they at least take the occasional photograph. I have a instinctive hate filled reaction to the show and yet I really like several of the actors. Maybe I just have enough forensic shows and I can't get past my own prejudice. Maybe since I watch so many shows I don't care but I tend to want to know why I react strongly to things. Like poking at a wound.

Ah whatever.

WHAT TO DROP!!! If only I could let something go...

eminem and 8 mile

wow i'm in shock.

I don't like Eminem, or I didn't, or I'm not sure.

How's that for decisive? I have had the music of Eminem inflicted on me at various times in the last few years. My sister, who really really liked that he pretended to shoot his 'bitch' and insisted on playing me said track repeatedly. My ex livein who wanted Eminem CDs so I got him some for his birthday.

No one could understand why I bought him those CDs, they thought that since *I* disliked Eminem it was strange or somehow odd of me to have purchased said CDs for him. To this day this reasoning escapes me. He wanted it, it was HIS birthday. What right did I have to judge his taste?

Regardless, the beats wafting down from his office were enough to drive me mad while I tried to hear the TV over the beat.

The thing is, I never particularly liked what he had to SAY but musically man. That is a whole other story, this Eminem guy has a sense of rhythm that a professional drummer would envy.

So, since I don't like it when I judge things I bought 8 Mile out of the used DVD bin at my local video shop and stuck it in my to be viewed pile along with whatever else struck me as interesting in said bin. [I buy and save because I pay more in late fees than the cost of renting the damm thing in the first place...]

And then I let it sit there.
And sit there
And sit there

Until last night (read at least 1.5 YEARS later)

My pal and I sat down to watch it and we were enthralled. Enthralled. In fact I'm really glad I own it because it turns out that I want to watch it a few more times.

AND it turns out that I suddenly wish to hear more Eminem music so I can judge it anew. Maybe I'll understand it a little more now that I have some idea of the culture behind it. [Pal is from the hood and assures me that the Shelter exists so... my assumption is there is some legitimacy reflected here.] It does make me damm glad I'm Canadian though. I'm not saying that that sort of crap doesn't happen here because it absolutely does but it seems less endemic.

This is so weird. I feel a shift in perception has happened and suddenly my ears are open in a new way. This is actually pretty cool when you think about it. It does definetely demonstrate that when you react strongly to things there's probably a reason and maybe, just maybe, instead of pitching it out the window or demonstrating against it you might want to see WHY you hate it so much.

Look what happened when I tried that, I LEARNED something new.

And maybe I might be an Eminem fan. Funny for a straight white chick from Canada who's past 30.

bad thoughts

Do you ever wonder if in some twisted way you make some of the bad things happen? If at that moment when your friend is talking about her hopes for her baby and you think to yourself 'i hope the baby's okay' or your friend is wondering why his wife isn't home yet and you give him a plausible reason while flashing to a 1000 horror stories. that little frisson of fear that you feel just for a second when all the bad things that can happen in the world pop into your head at the same time. just for a second.

it can't hurt.
right?

i mean it was just a second of my brain's random detritus and yet what if. do you bring on the bad things by wondering if they will happen? Is that how it happens? If you just think pure thoughts and smile at the world and trust in the Universe and know it's all going to be okay? What if this is it. The bad things happen because you wonder one too many times IF the bad thing *could* happen or *might* happen. What if when you pray that the little tiny second of idle brain chatter that you just had doesn't happen you're making it worse? Reinforcing it somehow?

don't get me wrong, i've thought that iota of nastiness lots of times and not had anything happen. but then my friend said to me one day 'don't you be working your voodoo' because i asked his just recently moved in long distance girlfriend a question that I thought was screamingly obvious to me and everyone else. that same question she later thanked me for asking as she headed to the airport.

my voodoo.

yeah cause that has to make you feel good about yourself. i always thought i was just asking the hard questions, the ones no one else was asking. why do they ask me for my fucking advice if they don't want me to get them thinking? thinking [i hesitate to say] outside the box. just because i ASK you if you're considering divorce doesn't mean i'm ADVOCATING it. it means i'm asking. i'm just as happy if you say 'no fucking way man.'

voo doo

say it with me now

vooooodoooo

hrm hope i haven't offended anyone with that fun with pronunciation moment of keystroking.

how do you react when someone tells you not to work your voodoo? especially when sometimes there's a kernel of truth in the kernel of a germ of a reach for a thought? sometimes the nasty thing that pops into your head is JUST what happens. just because you're right doesn't mean that you WANT to be right. It just means you have the misfortune to be right.

just that once. or maybe twice...

sometimes maybe just that once too often.

on men and dating

It's rather ridiculous that I would dare to comment on such things what with my failed relationships and the string of taken men who have attempted to fuck me over the last while.

First I should explain. About three years ago I was getting my hottie factor back and I was happily embarking on a new relationship and then wham I get rear ended by an SUV and my body falls apart. Like apart. Like it blowed up real good and I was rendered effectively unable to walk. Physiotherapy tried and failed to fix me and I laid on my couch smoking pot, eating and watching tv for the better part of a year. Sixty pounds and ten months later I was sent to a phenomenal Pilates teacher and she put me back together and inspired my new direction in life. [I am now a Pilates teacher as well you see...]

In my head I'm still 235 pounds of useless body and I haven't really grokked the idea that maybe just maybe I'm starting to up the hottie factor again. I'm muscular once more and down to 185 pounds [25 to go!]. In my head men are still giving me the once over and failing utterly to look back up. [You know how it is, they look from the top down but their eyes can't be bothered to make the return trip.] Except it isn't true anymore. They're actually looking at me and they actually seem to find me attractive.

That said, the only men who have made any sort of approach to me in the last year and a half have already had partners, girlfriends or wives and yet somehow I was supposed to be thrilled and excited that they wanted to boink me. Not allowed to admit that they hang out with me but boy they sure want to get me naked so I can suck their cocks. Even the woman who made a lighthearted pass at me was already spoken for. My father thinks it's a factor of age. I'm 33 so the only men after me are either teenagers or looking for their second wives... or their current mistress. I can't say much about the second wife idea since I have an ex husband of my very own [who's getting married in a month and a half ironically].

So Friday night comes around and my pal othercat and I head out to see some friends of his play at a local wing shack. There turns out to be an after party and off we go. Othercat did his famous impersonation of a puppy dog and suddenly there I am, it's seven am, i'm kinda stoned and i'm the only person in the pile who isn't drinking. Something about othercat being the designated drunk for the evening.

So this guy hits on me. Not to mention he asks me if I'm seeing anyone and when I say no he says 'right on, neither am i' and then he pauses for thought and says 'well i'm dating.' I suppose that technically this is the first available man whose made any kind of interest in me evident in the last year and a half. Tragically he only wants me because I'm Italian. Why does that matter? Yes, he's Italian and so is the rest of his family but why am I suddenly more interesting just because of my ethnic background? Granted he understands about body hair [the curse of all Italian women] but still, why is it so interesting that a girl is Italian? This is better than hot? Smart? Educated? Cool?

To his credit he also finds it terribly hot that I'm a baby drummer. This makes him ever so slightly more endearing. I wouldn't have thought twice about him what with the I'm so cool posturing and the lecturing me about Italy [a country to which I have clearly been many more times than he] except that when I got tired of listening to the Italy rant I sidetracked him and started talking spirituality and under all that posturing and attitude is an actual brain. Yeah, a brain. That's almost interesting. It was so much easier to write him off when he was just another Italian construction worker (with very nice arms ). Damm guy might be able to carry on a conversation over breakfast after all.

Except. Here's the thing. Does all that work to find out if I'm available, is clearly glad that I am and then never asks me for my number. Please tell me the freaking point of that?

Further thoughts on the new TV season

Watched a few more shows and have some further opinions. So far Lost and LAX are the gems of the season [well and the L Word but that came out last year in the US]. I've seen Lost twice and LAX three times and I madly love both of these shows. Not really sure why people aren't loving LAX, guess they only like her when she's Melrose Placing. Joey just gets more boring with every episode, I expect to drop it after I pick up Desperate Housewives or something. Jack and Bobby might be slipping but most shows have a sucky episode three so we'll give it a couple more.

Clubhouse - kinda boring in episode one and I'm currently watching episode two but I'm not sure that Dean Cain is cute enough to make up for how bored I am. I think it's the kid, he's insipid. It's one of those shows that has all the right elements, the right actors and the right ideas and yet somehow it just doesn't grab you. Somehow you find yourself not giving a crap. Fun watching Dean Cain have a meltdown though :) If I was giving five stars this show would get 2.

Dr. Vegas! I don't understand it, the critics are panning it universally and yet I really like it. Sort of like The Mountain, it's getting better with every episode and yet the critics are hating it. Weird.

Crossing Jordan started well, looks like they're off to another great season.

NCIS is on my watch list this year which is pretty funny because I watched last season during the summer. I wasn't watching it last year because I liked It's All Relative and I knew that NCIS would be on during the summer. Gets a season pickup for me this season though.

Judging Amy hasn't changed at all, wonder where Tyne Daly's mood swings are headed.

Gilmore Girls... damm those girls are back. Thank god cause last season was hit or miss.

HATE Joan of Arcadia's new bangs though let me tell you. I like that she's rejecting god and that her mother is exploring her own relationship with God. Grace and Luke is a wonderful relationship and I'm quite enjoying where they're taking that. Props to Becky for making the credits, that's WAY overdue.

JAG is well jag... think I'll drop it unless they stop telling me about Iraq. I drop shows that are all Homeland Security and Iraq since it's all such a crock of shit.

That's about it since not too much new has happened.