i've learned something

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i've learned that the shoe you have on your foot makes an enormous difference to what your body is doing. how have i learned this?

well lsd and i are the same size (probably not in pants but otherwise yeah) so i borrowed his shoes (la sportiva testarossas) and took them for a test drive. he handed them to me and said 'i'm sorry but i've just cost you $150 bucks'
so i laughed and i put them on and yeah. he really did.

it's not just that they're fucking awesome, which they are. it's that it brings home to me just how shitty my shoes actually are. my shoes suck.

[it is amazing how distracting looking for shoe pictures is when you want new shoes]

fortunately i felt a little better because lsd's other shoes (this might not be them... the colours don't seem right):

sucked. well okay they didn't suck but i didn't like them nearly as much. or perhaps it was that i didn't feel really like i was stuck to the wall with them at all. i preferred the fit to mine although i didn't love the heel of the slipper but i know that that would come with time. mostly they just didn't have any more grab than the crap that i have now. the testarossa's? i felt like spider man!

regardless i don't want lace up shoes so of course i fall for a pair of lace up shoes. that's one thing that lsd and hcg agree on actually; that those la sportiva testarossa's are rocking shoes. i think the other thing hcg and lsd agree on is that i'm fun to make fun of. was an entertaining dinner anyway.

it was cool to really try shoes instead of putting them on and doing three moves with them while you're cold and not in climbing mode and on the shitty wall at the shoe store. i still want to try on a lot more shoes but my idea of what i want in feel and fit is really different now.

i want WAY smaller shoes than i thought that i did. way smaller. like one and a half or two sizes smaller.


anyway i climbed a lot of routes in the slippers and i did a couple of traverses with the lace ups and i was also concentrating on moving slowly and i think i sort of didn't notice how hard i was working because new bits were sore and i didn't notice them at the time.

i've sort of developed a list of body parts that i should pay attention to while climbing because they are the bits most likely to hurt not so good the next day... and that list is wrong in different shoes.

i'm sore in my inner thighs like crazy and i don't usually feel them at all when i climb. not at all. that had actually concerned me a little but it had never occured to me that that could be caused by my shoes. who knew.

i knew i wasn't using that inner line enough, in fact it's something that happens to me when i do pilates or other exercise as well. the one thing all of my teachers agree on is that i'm not into that inner foot/big toe line nearly enough. it NEVER occured to me that in climbing that would relate to the shoes. in retrospect it's totally obvious.

this has then passed up my body and caused the inner line of my arms and some new back muscles to greet me with a grimace.

it's pretty neat stuff this new shoe idea.

thanks for the loans lsd, it's made shopping a lot easier.

course it's also made the need for the shopping WAY more immediate.

way more.

way.

if today is your birthday...

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[yesterday] then chances are that you're LSD or mightydoll or someone that i don't know yet. if you're my friend and it's your birthday then WHY don't i know that?

anyhow, lsd popped up to toronto to pass the holidays and has decided to stay for his birthday which suits me just fine because it means i have someone to climb/hang with tonight.

also it's amusing watching hcg react to him. almost amusing enough to make me argue with my gut some more. almost.

not quite because he just doesn't take me up on any sort of spending time together suggestions that i make although he does want to know who that man that i'm climbing with is. ah well.

men suck.

okay men that i want to date that aren't into me suck. or worse... men that i want to date that i sort of need to realise probably don't really suit me suck even more. or worst? men that i want to date that want my advice about other women! (man there's been a lot of those over the years)


[so that was yesterday]
i've been giving some thought to natalia's comment on my last post regarding back burners and i think that she's nailed it. all this time i've been thinking that what i needed to do was to fully get over someone once i decided that they weren't really into me *that* way.

in retrospect that's just silly. i mean why do i need to totally get over someone in order to notice someone else? i don't need to do that at all. in fact what i need to do is stick them in a warming oven in the brain version of the back end of beyond and leave them there. they will either move themselves back to the front burner or quietly overcook and dry up and disappear... but either way there will be much less trauma for me.

there just isn't any reason to get that attached to someone that fast but at the same time there is no reason to force yourself to cut a string that's still pretty stuck in your heart. why not just let it fade on it's own instead like belly buttons do? :)

this is particularly nice because it means that when someone that i'm mostly over is around i can still enjoy flirting and eye contact and even a little pretend dating. i don't actually mean imaginary dating so much as random hanging out with said person and i think i can even do it in a way that won't involve massive heartbreak for me.

wow i'm monotopical these days. i think i get like that whenever i'm at the beginning or end of a crush. somehow they take up a lot more attention in the forefront of my brain then they do during. during they live in my head and they're always there but it's somehow less immediate at the same time.

i can actually hear several of my friends in my head reacting to that last statement with a 'yeah right' and then rampant imitations of me in full blown pining over someone mode. oh man this is actually a really funny mental image and i'm sad that y'all can't share it.

ironically this dovetails nicely with the spiritual journey that i've been drop kicked onto over the last few years. the universe has been trying to teach me that i have to stop planning. stop expecting. stop knowing the outcome and most definetely to stop being in a hurry.

there's a principle of kundalini yoga that i barely know (because i'm not a yoga nerd but i do get in long convoluted discussions with a kundalini yoga nerd) that basically says that if you want something you probably shouldn't have it.

okay that's not it at all. but basically that you shouldn't get attached to ideas or people or things that you want/expect in life. that you should use those wants as a clue into your psyche but not necessarily act on them. that if you want something to distraction you are probably actually feeding some sort of unhealthy mental pattern.

okay first of all i've COMPLETELY bunked it up so please don't go quoting me to yoga nerds and also, please note that the actual saying is about 6 words long. so yeah i'm paraphrasing something i barely understand.

but in a way i think that it's right. i think sometimes that this little quest that i'm on to find someone to date isn't supposed to get fulfilled. or at least not the way i'm expecting it to. i think that maybe it's about me figuring out what i actually want and need in life.

and what i need is a family. what i'm not sure that i need is a 'traditional' nuclear family. i'm much more interested in the idea that a village raises a child and i'm aware that the word village is an allegory for the community of people that you build for yourself in this world.

it's possible that this interest is developing because it's baby making time for my ovaries and there isn't anyone around who wants to make babies with me. (although there are a couple of people in the last year who have informed me that we would make beautiful children *lmao*) I don't consider my gay friend a real prospect because i'm just not sure that i like the idea of sharing a child with someone that i'm not attached to. and i know that attached parents split up all the time but we're STARTING split up. [i get that i may change my mind about that] {tragically any man that i know that i consider a suitable sperm donor would NEVER consider not being involved in raising his child *sigh*}

that said, i would not have made it through the last five years without my best friend and his partner. those two are not related to me, not in any way obligated to me and most definetely not married to me. and yet they fed me and drunk me and even kept me in dope. and there was no reason other than love for them to do that.

these people are part of my village no matter where i am in the world. we love each other. we just do.

i would like to form a community of people like that in a very small place. a place where everyone shares and cares with everyone else. and yet? i still want a man of my own.

*laughs ruefully*

it's like multiple choice, never change your first answer...

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it turns out that i am full of it. it further turns out that it's really easy to think that you're over someone when you haven't seen the object of your affection for a time.

all it took was a little run in at the gym and i was like 'shit. i really like that guy.'

i like him enough that i'm arguing with my gut. this is *never* EVER ever a good move.

nope, not then either.

and i'm fully aware of the fact that i shouldn't override my gut. i know that that way lies one of those endless crushes that lasts for ever and a day and doesn't seem to ever really get you anywhere but miserable.

i know that all the pining over someone in the world isn't going to get them to like you. i fully get that. i also get that just being around and being your awesomely cool self isn't enough to get a non interested guy into you.

and still there's this little voice going 'but gut... you aren't thinking about xyz' and the gut is going "dude, seriously, he is JUST not that into you" and you go 'but guuuuuuut' and it's like "listen to me bitch, you know what happens when you don't listen..."

and i do know what happens.

first? ALL my friends get tired of hearing about it.

second? *I* get tired of hearing about it!

third? some whining at the other end about how i just wasted a pile of my time on someone who was never into me.

fourth? wondering why i did that again.


i know that there's a certain school of thought regarding this sort of thing.

[damm this band (ozomatu?) from castu rocks so much that i forgot what i was about to say]

i know that there is a group of people that believes that you can't be into someone if they aren't into you but i just don't agree with it. hell i have a friend who ended up in a relationship with someone who liked him for a year from across the weight room.

for a year.

course it did work out for long term crush person in the long run but nonetheless i'm not thinking that it's really the way to go.

also? ltcp was only ever someone to get this friend of mine into the kind of partner that he needed... they still split ugly in under two years.

anyway, i think that it's healthy to get interested in the people around you. it's sort of like reading the menu even if you know what you're going to order. How I discovered that jamoca almond fudge is the PERFECT accompaniment to peanut butter chocoate in fact. i even think that kind of fixating on someone for a little while is healthy and sane.

what i don't like is this stuff that lasts months and months. that's ridiculous. anything that was going to happen would have already. and i'm not talking about those relationships that form out of friendships in some sort of slow juggernaut of inevitability either. those are a whole nother kettle of fish.

i'm talking about the unrequited crush. the one that leaves even the person with the crush feeling like a twit.

i feel as though i'm poised on the knife edge of just one of those and that if i can somehow head it off at the pass i will change my whole crush pattern forever.


like if i can just get the part of myself that's going 'but but but' to shut the fuck up i will be maybe a hundred times saner than i am right now. and i'm pretty sane now about everything but that.

i know i just ranted about this the other day, but i'm on a slightly different plane of it today and it's what i feel like talking about.

he's all taciturn and cranky and still i like him. in fact i like the way he's cranky, it's kind of charming and non offensive. there's two kinds of cranky see... the ones who know it and warn you off in a non offensive way and everyone else. he's the first kind. much easier to deal with.

and sometimes, when he's telling me some little thing and looking at me out of the corner of his eye? i think my gut might be wrong.

and then i go through the entire train of thought posted above all over again.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

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i'm done.

yes i've fully completed my christmas shopping. all the folks i feel the need to gift are purchased and waiting. okay i lied, there's a two year old who's hellaciously difficult to shop for that i haven't accomplished but i won't see his mom til next friday so i have a few days.

the fridge is stocked with random bottles of wine and bubbly to bring to random dinners. not to mention 18 excellent beers (stella artois, big rock traditional and buzz) and a very nice selection of chocolatey goodness. also laundry is in and i will have FRESH SHEETS and duvet cover for christmas. mmmmm happy warm dryer bouncy goodness.

my sister is coming over in 1-3 hours (probably 2 on the dot) and we're going to sit around, maybe drink, for sure eat and most definetely wrap presents and bask in each other's company. needless to say i'm stoked.

what's even odder? i volunteered to teach a class tomorrow AND i'm really stoked about it. first of all it's like a favour to all the jewish folks at the jewish community centre which was the first real place to hire me and believe i was going to be a good teacher. second it's a great way to feel way less guilty about the pig out i'm going to have in the afternoon and finally? i get to give my sister a lesson and she needs it! [hrm that came out wrong but well i can teach things to the whole class that will benefit her which is awesome]

othercat and pj and i did gifts and those bastards got me a gift certificate to lululemon... which i'm secretly stoked about. i refuse to admit this because i've been boycotting that place for several years... but there's this thing you see. it's called the hip hop shrug and it comes in these great purple and green shades and it's HAWT and i want one and even though i'm boycotting i just do NOT CARE. I must own a shrug in every colour. [fyi the white part isn't part of the shrug... it's the undershirt.]

okay i hate myself a little and still i'm stoked!

no really, there's a little bit of hate. it's made up for though because they finally listened to my complaints about the treatment i once received and have in fact arranged a personal shopping day for me to apologize. and still i hate myself a little.

i'm so cheap and shameless that a little bit of beautiful lycra gets me through the door. *sigh*

oh well! at least it's beautiful right? i mean what are scruples worth anyway? :)
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it's so nice to sit here at 4:30 on christmas eve and know that all my loved ones are taken care of and that i have plans for the next few days AND that i managed to resist going climbing today (which was HARD!) so that i could actually have three days off in a row for the first time in about a month [i'm convinced my tendons need this even though my instincts are calling me to the gym.]

there is something about climbing that is just indescribeable. the people that like it like it the way crack addicts like crack. even if we're in pain and our hands are ripped open and we can't feel our elbows and our shoulders aren't speaking to us we still WANT TO GO CLIMBING!

:)

turning on a dime

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let me tell you my christmas spirit has improved drastically in the last couple of days. i'm still cranky and sick but i did do some shopping today and i've dealt with nearly everyone. Okay that isn't true, i've done all the EASY presents but my aunt, uncle and 2 cousins are still escaping me AND i found the most awesome thing for a friend but they didn't have it in his SIZE!

god dammit!

anyway i feel better because i've done some shopping and because i've realised that in spite of my enforced week off i'm still financially okay. this is unbelievable really because a year ago this would have screwed me like i can't even put into words. i wouldn't have been able to pay my rent.

this year? i'm irked because my credit card will take an extra month or two to pay off.

yeah perspective. pretty awesome.

so, after hubris read my previous post and realised i didn't have squat to do on christmas night he called me up and invited me into his plans. you don't get how awesome this is because i haven't told you yet that his plans involve having lsd come to visit and i haven't seen lsd in ages!

it's extra sucky that the gift i nearly got him today would have been too big though.

so i bumped (with her full consent) princess valium to next friday and now i get to hang out with some excellent friends on christmas night AND boxing day AND on new year's eve eve. Is that a day? it's always nice to hang with the other orphans because you feel less lame for being alone. well hubris' girlfriend will be there but she's cool so it's all right as long as they don't get too squishy.

anyway i'm delighted and i'm feeling much less lonely. i think a big part of my joy comes from having actually shopped. it's so much less daunting now because so much more shopping is done. also i've booked a few clients for next week so i'm working a reasonable week (about two thirds my regular schedule) and that will help make up for this week a smidge.

all in all i'm feeling way better than i was when i wrote my previous post. in fact i'm going climbing. i was trying not to because i'm sick and it can take energy from your immune system but i'm stiff and sore and i felt better on tuesday when i did it so...

okay i'm insane. but i can't shop anymore which means i'll have to shop a little on saturday when i was going to go climb so... you see where i'm going with this?

yup right back to the sickbed!
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i don't have a crush on anyone.

nope, no one.

nope not him either.

just nothing.

i know that doesn't seem like a big deal because well, really? it isn't. but the thing is that i've realised that i'm happier when i'm into someone. i didn't realise this about myself until recently when i sort of went through a little string of mini crushes. (as opposed to the lame ass ones that last months and are emotionally exhausting and just make you tired without accomplishing shit)

and yeah, i'm happier when i'm into someone.

how weird is that? personally i think that it's pretty weird. first of all it's very one track mindish of me to want to serially crush on people and frankly it's innefficient. why can't i just notice (for example) all the men i have liked, will like and currently like at the climbing gym and sorta comparison shop, pick the one i like the best, ask him out and move on?

nope not me, i'll like serially hyper focus on one after the other until i've gone through all the guys in the group that i would consider dating (and a few others to boot) and then i'll be done with that group.

and knowing me? switching gyms for a while. okay maybe not, i'm pretty in love with my gym. you can't blame me, the routes are awesome, there's tons of good bouldering and i don't get tied to the floor. (I fucking hate being tied to the floor)

the good news is that although i still hyper focus i've widened it just enough that if someone asks me out i won't say 'no thank you, i'm hopelessly gone on someone i can't have' and i will say 'i'd be delighted.' this is an enormous improvement let me tell you.

i spent a year in college being gone on some guy who wasn't into me at all and it took until somewhere around month 6 for me to actually be willing to do things with other men... but that's a whole other story *happy memory grin*.

*clears throat*

okay the point is that i'm a serial monogamist when it comes to relationships *and* it turns out i even get like that about crushes. that's just wrong.

ah well, with age comes wisdom and all i can do is keep widening the focus.

someone to date would work too :)

maudlin holidays

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i am not a happy camper.

first of all it's taken weeks to figure out an invoice at the studio i rent and i've somehow pissed off everyone there doing it and gotten screwed out of about 50 bucks. teach me to keep better records.

i guess that's merry christmas to them but i'm getting a bit irked about it. that said, i don't trust my own feelings right now because i've gone straight from pms into cold.

[be advised that these folks have been nothing but kind, generous and excellent to me and that i am being a bitch due to general misery (and that *I* fucked up my own record keeping)]

and it's a stupid cold that i caught from hcg without getting ANY of the benefits normally attendant on catching a cold from someone. no dates, no necking, definetely no sex and i'm pretty sure an absolute lack of interest in any of the above from him. nope, i just get the cold.

you know, the colds that i never get? the ones i just ignore and they go away? yeah those things. turns out that if someone cold resistant gets a cold i'll get it.

great.

still have noone to date and i have a cold that has so far cost me 400 bucks and looks set to continue costing me money for as long as my throat is fucked up. i'm certainly enjoying the days off to watch tv and all but it's getting fucking expensive. basically it means that i'm spending the cash i got for christmas from my parents on a fucking cold.

you know, the cash i was going to spend on my car and my credit card? yeah, that cash.

so i got a cold which will end up costing me my entire christmas present ... shocking that i'm feeling sulky about it isn't it? [and if you're about to comment that at least i GET a christmas present to make up for this week then really, fuck off because you've clearly never been self employed and you've also clearly not been poverty stricken for the last four fucking years because some ass in an SUV doens't believe that friction applies to him!]

and then.

yeah there's more. and if you're one of my real life friends OR relatives you may wish to stop reading. well not all of you. johnny told me once that my blog was for me and that even if i thought it would hurt someone it was still my blog and i could say what i needed to say and i need to get this off my chest.

i'm feeling abandoned.

and in a lot of ways that's silly but it's still how i feel.

the vast majority of people i love aren't making time for me this holiday season. they're going off on vacation or spending time with people that are clearly more important to them than i am or they're telling me specifically that i'm not invited to whatever they're doing. so my options for new year's eve at this point include hanging out with a muslim friend and not drinking or hanging out with someone i hardly know. that's it. my options for christmas are a little better. i get to see an out of town friend on friday night and hang with my aunt and cousins on christmas day and if i'm lucky my sister will arrive before dinner on christmas eve (and leave directly after christmas lunch).

that's it. that's my whole holiday. Oh wait i lied... i'm also having dinner with princess valium on boxing day and with hubris on the 27th.

it feels so strange to be approaching christmas with basically nothing to do. i'm going to sit at home in my tiny apartment on christmas night and feel sorry for myself. which, translated, means smoke pot and clean my apartment.

merry fucking christmas.

the spirit of the season hit briefly last week when i went shopping and it probably would have continued to hit had i not come down with a cold and spent the weekend with someone who is basically in her own personal hell. no i can't tell you about it but it is what inspired my '12 angry men' post a few weeks ago.

i just don't know what to do with myself. i've spent new year's with the same pair of people for the last 4 years now and i'm not even really capable of thinking past 'but i always do x' and getting to 'i should do y' so i'll probably end up on my aforementioned couch with some asti and my television.

yeah no pot because i'll be out by then because someone offered something they then took back.

*shaking head* i know that i'm feeling sorry for myself. i know that i should be counting my blessings. i especially know that i should be under blankets rather than typing and i for sure know that if it weren't for one person i wouldn't even be able to afford christmas presents for my loved ones.

ironically being able to afford them is irrelevant since i can't get out to BUY them!

fuck. i do not know how i'm going to get my shopping done, it's exhausting just to walk to the laundry room!

i think i need some soup and a hug.

fits and starts

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finally i'm actually in the mood for christmas!

i went shopping today and got some generic christmas things for folks and some things to help me wrap (candy) as well as a cute little watch for me. the watch was like 8 bucks but it makes me really happy since i'm always running late with clients because i have no idea what time it is!

when i came back from shopping the wonderful owner of the studio that i teach out of had left me a gift. an entire OUTFIT of teacher clothing! and you guys holy shit, it's my number one hottie outfit out of the gate. she nailed me. exactly my size and colouring and style and yeah. i can't even tell you how gorgeous it is! i want to frame it and hang it on the wall!
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i started this post on friday. as usual i'm really behind on my blog.
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i've come to the conclusion that i get overly attached to people with undue cause. like early on in friendships with people and worse yet with men that i'm interested in. i'm not saying it's bad to get attached to people in your life i'm just saying that sometimes i care too much too soon for people.

and that's gotten me into trouble before where i've gotten screwed over or had my feelings badly hurt. or later on when i've decided that i don't even like the lady i made friends with three months ago and now she's all thinking i'm awesome and i'm trying to figure out how to lose her.
.

and now it's basically sunday. this is getting out of hand this pre christmas mayhem. i did a little more shopping today and i got another friend done and some bits for my sister. this christmas thing is starting to grow on me. i'm actively planning some shopping on monday and i'm even excited about it!
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and i think i'm getting a cold.
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i'm still thinking about the attachment thing. i sometimes imagine that people are like little nuclei with a ton of microscopic feelers with suckers on the end and we just go around tossing these little filaments at people and seeing if they stick.

sometimes they stick well and last forever. and
sometimes they stick hard and fast only to shatter and crumble.
sometimes they miss entirely.
sometimes they brush other feelers and stick in a short but intense burst.
sometimes they stick well but over time the seal starts to fray and loosen and eventually fall away.
sometimes they are torn off in a move.
sometimes they pass other feelers and hang out for a time.
sometimes they rip themselves away in some reversal of polarity.

and i think i stick too fast. i think instead of taking my little feelers and sorta easing my way through the human sea i go barrelling through catching and throwing feelers at an alarming rate.

of course it takes all kinds. the people who stick too fast balance those who stick too slowly. and the people who just open themselves up to the ones around them help the slow and easeful ones into the dance.

and still i would like to take a little of my inner gregarious fish and slow her down. i would like her to take more time when she's getting to know the other fish in her pond. i would like her not to see that feeler coming at her and go chasing after it.

i would like to turn the bull fish into the chameleon fish. i would like to learn not to go blundering into things but instead to be cautious and to look back and to speculate a little more.

in short i would like my feelers to take longer to decide to attach themselves to something.

and y'all are thinking that you know who and what i'm talking about. but that's always a very dangerous assumption with this blog.

i would like to be less open with the people that i work with.
i would like to learn to listen before i speak.
i would like to learn to go to bed more than six hours before i have to be up.
i would like to find time to read pilates/anatomy literature.
i would like to find time to take more classes.
i would like to lead climb.
i would like to be less interested in men/boys.
i would like to finish the 5.10- i got three fourths of the way up today. and the one i got five sixths of the way up.
i would like to be less obvious when i like someone. any definition of the word like.
i would like to learn to believe that people like me.
i would like to believe i'm worth liking.

mostly i just want to learn to take my time.

so i guess that

as always

... the lesson is patience.

weak as a newborn kitten and strange choices

[this was supposed to get posted 8 hours ago but i sorta didn't finish in time]

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wow this stuff my osteopath did to me is just strange. firstly i feel really sore and yet at the same time somehow so much more together. i hit the gym last night for an hour of routes and i was weak yo. but i was weak in a really strong way.

hrm that makes no sense.

okay it's like my shoulder is actually doing what it's supposed to do. it's actually sitting in the RIGHT place and working with my other shoulder. however it's been working in a depressed and pulled forward fashion for a few years so the muscles around it developed around the injury and they're used to working from a compromised starting position.

i'd been noticing for a while that my shoulders weren't moving together when i was doing pilates and i'd also been noticing that my shoulder sometimes just refused to pull no matter how i asked it to when climbing. and i'd been noticing that it was slowly getting worse.

eventually i had to realise that the shooting pain when i took a deep breath was NOT something that i could fix and i also had to realise that i wasn't going to get anywhere near my teacher for a private so i figured it was time for some osteo.

was i ever right. i was slowly twisting up in my entire torso. my pelvis was torquing in a direction that goes along nicely with what my shoulder was doing and i think i better understand some lingering foot pain.

it's just really surprising how weak the muscles feel. i was falling off easy holds when i was traversing and i could not force myself to slow down no matter how i tried. i'm going to climb again tonight for an hour or so and take it nice and easy while i reintegrate my shoulder.

it turns out, in fact, that my osteo and my physio had a bit of an argument way back when. the osteo was convinced i wasn't done yet and the physio was sure i was fine. if they had asked me i could have told them that i absolutely wasn't better. of course i couldn't AFFORD the visit so it's sort of irrelevant until you realise that i had a couple of visits left on my treatment plan from my insurance company at the time.

still it's interesting that because the physio was the practitioner in charge they never even discussed it with me.

ah well, i see why the two of them broke up.
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do you ever look back on something you did and find it baffling?

this happens to me most often when it comes to crushes and exes. i'll talk to them or see them or have them brought to mind by mutual friends and i'll just shake my head and shrug at my own behaviour. not with all of them mind you, i have several exes (including my ex husband) whom i consider wonderful growing experiences and good choices in my life.

but some.

wow.

what in hell was i thinking?

i've come to the conclusion that sometimes i crush on people because i'm exploring a part of myself in a safe way. that maybe that inappropriate guy with the biker colours or the pink mohawk (actually he was awesome) or the s&m lifestyle or the drinking problem that i had a ridiculous crush on wasn't so ridiculous. that perhaps i was learning what i do and don't like and what i do and don't need or even what i can and can't handle.

so maybe in the long run it's those ones that don't work out. the ones whom you never date and sometimes hardly get to know who actually have the most to teach you about yourself. the ones you don't ask out or even ever really talk to. maybe they're your lessons in life.

the easy lessons, the ones you can learn by observation instead of experience.

then there are the exes. the ones that make you shake your head at your own silliness. i have more than one friend that has been involved in an emotionally and/or physically abusive relationship and i myself have come pretty close to the emotional aspect of abuse with at least one man that i was with for a while.

and sometimes i wonder if we all have to have at least one of those so that we then KNOW what to avoid.

but that thought? that thought makes me really sad because it implies that there are enough assholes out there that we all get to have a couple. and that shit sucks if it's true. but still, i'm not sure i know anyone who doesn't have a really shitty ex.

now i know that sometimes who you're with brings out the asshole in you. that was certainly true of tr and i and of myself with dw. man dw could have me enraged and ready to hit things in seconds... it was really an amazing talent.

and then i wonder why i stayed with them. why when i was so unhappy and things were so bad did i stay? not forever mind you but long enough.

in retrospect it's clear i wasn't thinking clearly or that my instinct for self preservation wasn't kicking in. and that's bloody strange because i am all about protecting myself. so where do these decisions come from? why do we make terrible relationship choices and then wonder at our own misery?

just because we're silly? or is there a lesson there?

ch-ch-ch-changes!

fyi i owe every single friend i have an email EXCEPT bubbles and LSD so to all of you i apologise.

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wow i hurt

like wow.

there are whole new levels of fitness that i have to find if i'm going to keep letting hcg change how i move. he's basically slowing me down and speeding me up at the same time. that is really fucking hard to explain to a non climber but the gist of it is that if you can't do it slowly you actually can't do it.

added to that is this idea that if you never quite stop moving, if instead you place something on a hold and something else starts at the same time to pull or to push that you will develop fluidity and flow to your movements.

it's definetely working because i sent something that i had been working on for months and it wasn't even hard. wasn't even HARD!

so mostly i practise this movement thingy when i'm traversing [going sideways along a long wall to warm up the muscles but never being more than a few feet off the ground and not being roped in. good for endurance and practising moves or just for warming up or to blow all the energy you have at the end of the session] at the beginning of my day. but in addition to that i've changed the holds that i used and been going for things with more pinch and crimp.

i've gone from being able to do a triple traverse (there and back again thrice) to being able to go in one direction only and then collapse in a boneless heap at the end of it. but it feels SO pretty. sooo pretty i can't even explain.

after i start to dial into this whole never stop moving and always know what you're doing next thingy i'll find that my hip will lead sometimes or that my weight will shift without my trying to get it to or that my leg will just flag (uh be hanging out and not on a hold) or smear (stuck to a wall where there isn't a hold) at exactly the right spot.

without even trying.

dudes that problem was easy. i blew through the move that i couldn't do and the three after it and sent the bitch and i wasn't even winded.

interestingly when we do routes he tends to stick us on beginner things like 5.7s or 5.8s and just push this idea of slowness. also he suggests not skipping holds. do the route as the route setter intended and damm it often toughens it right up.

there's one handed climbing too... that shit sucks it's so hard.

anyway the point is i seem to have discovered that i am totally out of shape again. there are whole new levels of fitness that i just do not have yet and the second i started moving with fluidity i realised just how far i still had to go.

[this did NOT precipitate the i feel shitty post by the way... i noticed the fitness thing on sunday]

the thing that's neat is that i can also feel that when i get that extra fitness? when the fluidity isn't devastatingly difficult? when i'm not a boneless pile of panting sass after half a traverse? it will get SO easy to move on the walls.

unfortunately my moves are changing faster than my body is because i'm in some kind of intensive training camp or something and i hurt all fucking over. i went climbing (in reverse order) sunday, friday, wednesday, monday, friday, wednesday, monday in the last two weeks... that's a lot. at least some part of every one of those sessions involved climbing with hcg and whether there was a verbal lesson or not just watching that guy move is an advanced class in climbing.

but.

but?

yeah but ... it fucking HURTS in a few really surprising places. my abs are working harder than they were, the backs of my shoulders are pissed and strangely enough my quads really hurt. no dudes really hurt.

i'm starting to wonder what i'm training for because this is the fitness regime of someone with goals... and i have a sneaking suspicion that i want to compete. i'm a bit old for it though....

top all that off with a class with the goddess [damm i hate that nickname too] on saturday and a visit to my osteopath today and there isn't a piece of me that doesn't feel ripped open and reassembled. in fact i have acupuncture pins left all over my back so my body can 'continue to process' AND i should feel shifts and corrections for TWO OR THREE weeks!!

the good news is that she did *not* tell me that i was climbing too much. in fact she said that in spite of some aches and niggles (A LOT of which are accident leftovers) that climbing has clearly done wonders for me. she also said to just use my instincts and to not let my desire to go to the gym colour my read on those same instincts.

damn it's annoying when they tell you to use your own judgement.

because then you actually do.

whose eyes are looking at me anyway?

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lividviv is sacked out on my couch after failing to resist the best chocolate in the world. okay maybe not in the world but that shit is to skor what skor is to bitter baking chocolate... or some equally useful metaphor like that.

i just came back from an anatomy in clay workshop at the studio i *learn* at (as opposed to the ones that i *teach* at) and an advanced mat class prior to that. it was great! i went in there sore and i came back all happy and stretched out. so some climbing tomorrow and the osteopath on monday and i should be back together nicely.

i hope because damn damm damn i am seriously sore. how do you spell damm? it turns out that climbing with fluidity is really really really fucking hard.

this post is now in hiatus as the arguing people next door have woken lividviv and she's talking again, err wait she's going back to sleep.

so, the neighbours are fighting again. which they do a lot. at the tops of their lungs. occasionally at three am.

i like one of them and the other i have nothing against but i'm either going to have to move or start seriously complaining about the noise. i'm leaning toward move because being the ex super my entire floor feels compelled to come to me with their problems.

and you know what? i don't CARE. I do not CARE what is wrong with your fucking apartment. call the ACTUAL superintendent. i don't care if you don't like them it's not my goddamm job.

*I* got canned. (thank the universe!)

It's their job, it's their headache, don't bug me about it. but more than that? please consider that at 2am on a friday night when your neighbour knocks on your door in her pyjamas that she doesn't think it's funny that y'all are shouting.

she thinks that you're keeping her awake and that you and your immature ass should shut the fuck up.
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ahhh that was great. viv and i just watched like 6 hours of tv mixed with a little junk food and some gossip about boys. dzer in case you're wondering she agrees with you. i think that i'm biasing the story :)
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wow that workshop today was amazing. we did most of the muscles of the hip today and really discussed them. basically we made little sausages and carrots of clay and then stuck them on plastic bones and discussed their actions and repercussions. there were 4 pilates instructors and a yoga instructor (counting myself) tossing questions at the goddess and her fielding them and doing the craziest things with her body to demonstrate.

i am such a neophyte compared to her that i almost feel like a poser or a fake or something. i recognize that i'm just newer but it's hard. i ask her questions and they're so obvious to her somehow that i see how much farther i really have to go. funny because i'm much more confident when i teach than i was but i'm less confident about my body of knowledge.

it's funny because i'm having these feelings about my body lately as well. a few months ago i was delighted with how i was looking. i was wandering the streets in baggy pants and tight shirts and i was strutting my stuff. i was sure i was hot.

also it was summer and i was warm and tanned and fed by the sun.

and yet i am so CLEARLY both a better teacher and a hotter bod than i was then that i wonder where this crisis of confidence is coming from. i know that some of my issues stem from long ago when i was swimming. they used to weigh us and fat pinch us and tell us to go on diets.

i'm pretty sure there were more calories in the diet than the average human voluntarily eats in a day but still. thirteen and fifteen year old girls do not need to have their fat measured when they are training for international competition. they're in shape.

sure weigh them or something but that's it. hell most of us knew we'd gained weight before the scale did because we would menstruate.

and now? well i hang out at a climbing gym and with pilates instructors which isn't helpful in the comparison shopping department but there's more to it than that.

i don't think that i can actually see myself anymore. i'm pretty sure that what i see when i look at my 'problem areas' and reality are falling away from each other somehow. because when i glance in the mirror i can see a slender woman looking back. when i try on new clothes i catch a glimpse of someone i don't expect.

and sometimes i see just what i'm expecting and that makes me down on myself for days.

the other day i tried something on and i was a MEDIUM! [which really, i'm not... that shit was just weird]

so i know that the view is changing and that i may be starting to see myself more realistically. i catch glimpses of muscles from the corner of my eye and can't find them when i look straight on. i know that i shouldn't let my self esteem be tied to how my body looks but it is.

i know that i really really need to recover from that before i get much older because i've seen what it does to women over 50 who can't learn to age gracefully. viv suggests that i learn to love my saddlebags.

this is not an easy thing to do.

they're lumpy and not smooth and don't have firm muscle underneath. i don't mind a bit of padding but i don't want pillows. i don't want wrinkles on my stomach.
i want to look like elizabeth larkam who is nearly fifty years old (or her dance partner valentine who IS in her fifties)

and that's even ON THE WAY for christ's sake.

unless i quit climbing AND pilates tomorrow i'll look like that. [er not exactly, but the my body version of that]

so where is this crisis of confidence coming from?

*shakes head*

food for thought

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"sometimes people play hard to get because they need to know that the other person's feelings are real"

- Brooke Davis - 'One Tree Hill'


yeah that's right, i'm quoting a cheesy WB soap that i love and you know what? i don't even have anything to say about it. that is a complete thought.

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incidentally, climbing with hcg is doing wonders for my moves.

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damm i hate that nickname.

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lividviv is here for the weekend and i am STOKED!!!

grendel and auntie sass

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a love story

dilemmas

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so i have a dilemma...

i have gotten the kind of busy where i actually have to choose between visiting my friends' blogs and writing my own and i don't know what i should do because i love y'all and i really like to read what you have to say BUT if i do that i don't actually have time to post to my own and y'all seem to really *like* my blog.

so i thought i would leave it up to you guys to tell me in the comments what your preferences are. i *think* that you would prefer that i blog but i may be wrong.
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then there's this guy at the gym. that i think i actually like... and we hang out often when we're both there and he suggests things that we will do together like next year. but i'm pretty sure he's not into me *that* way because he's like too honest or something. or too abrupt or... i don't really have the words but there doesn't seem to be any sexual preening or hunting or whatever going on.

i mean he clearly likes me, thinks i'm cool, enjoys my company and likes to climb with me but i don't believe that he *wants* me. that said, i'm considering the phrase 'so i think i might be interested in you and i was wondering if you would like to get to know each other better as a possible precursor to dating' or something like that.

i don't know if i should bother though since we're hanging out anyway and he seems amenable to after climbing activities.

course he probably thinks that i'm too tall for him anyway.
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i'm currently spending 750 bucks a month on my apartment AND 650 bucks a month to rent space in a Pilates studio. I do not have ANY savings to buy a place and i don't have enough business history to do it anyway.

what i have is a hell of a mortgage payment on a pretty good place that would give me room enough to live AND teach and maybe even stop living in a pile of clutter.

does anyone know a way to buy a place with no money down?

anyone?

anyone?

bueller?
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i'm fully exhausted and i'm scheduling about twenty to twenty five hours a week of teaching. I have an easy couple of hours i can fill on friday afternoon and an hour or two on tuesday and wednesday and then i'm actually full. i will actually be too busy to teach any more.

and my plan all along has been to drop sundays as soon as i'm busy enough. which i will be in january (because the doctor's clients are generally improving and they are starting to refer me folks as is an osteopath that i refer to... so busy doesn't seem to be going away) except that i really love the two classes that i teach on sunday.

i despise getting up at 7:30 on a sunday morning and i despise having to leave parties early on saturday nights. (I *could* have gone dancing with hcg had i been able to stay awake... well i think that i could have anyway, i seem to be invited into his life). More than that i could have stayed as late as i wished AND gotten some sleep.

but i LOVE my ladies y'all. the people who come to that class are some of the coolest and most awesome of any of my group class folks. the group exercise director wants to find me another slot but it's unlikely because they have a pretty full contingent of pilates teachers.

so i don't really need the money but i do need the sleep but i love the class. so i don't know what to do!
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and finally, i don't know if i should publish this post NOW or wait and see if another dilemma pops into my head!

:)

intentions

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the road to hell and all that.

i was at this party last night and i noticed something. that thing that people in relationships, no matter how foul, do to single people. that thing where they try, clumsily at best, to get their friend coupled up.

now i don't know many of the folks that went to this party the other night because i'm relatively new to the group. i knew a few people somewhat and a couple are in the may be becoming friends category but i'm not *in* yet. most of the people there have known each other for a while is my point.

because of that i got to do my urban anthropologist thing again.

there was this guy there who is a handsome man in his thirties with humour, charm and biceps to boot. and twice in something like fifteen minutes people made really crude remarks about his quest to find a girlfriend.

one of them was like 'yeah he says he wants a girlfriend but i don't think he is opening his eyes to what's around him. blah blah blah' and there were only three people standing there and i was the other one.

so i said that in my experience when men said they wanted girlfriends but weren't dating they probably didn't *actually* want a girlfriend. Which killed the topic nicely.

and then very shortly thereafter (so an hour in party time) a married man was lolling on this futon (on the floor... there was no furniture in the house) with another woman and was all 'this is where you should be, right here with this hot blah blah *blatant gesture* *blatant gesture*' and she looked pretty embarassed but didn't say anything (which implies that she doesn't mind the idea) and he looked ready to die.

seriously they expect him to even GLANCE at a woman in front of them?

i mean really how could he? it would be like inviting them to hassle him about that woman for weeks on end. you can tell his friends care about him and are a little exasperated with him but they don't seem to get that he is too.

he just looked so embarassed y'all and i actually felt bad for him for it. i mean if i were him i don't think that i would talk to anyone who was an available member of the opposite sex. and i think i would move to another country!

so i guess that his friends' intentions are good but really now. they are doing the opposite of helping. how is he supposed to even know if he likes a girl if she's being shoved down his throat?

then there's the couples that have been together for a few years and start telling you that the way they met is the only way to meet someone. yeah okay then.

i can at least understand the happily coupled people doing this but there's an even weirder one. the unhappy coupled folks that are also trying to shove coupledom down your throat.

um.

pardon me... but

aren't you miserable?!?!??

ironically if the coupley people would just fuck off and not drop heavy anvils of ridiculousness on the singletons' heads then way more coupling would happen.

actually someone got some coupling last night... but i don't know whom i only know where because i saw the expression of the person who walked in on them!

now all of these people who are busy dropping matchmaking anvils on the heads of their friends must have been single once right? so don't they REMEMBER?

don't they cringe in sympathetic embarassment for their friend when this shit happens to him? no they don't. they revel in it. they nod knowingly or sort of giggle.

for serious it's like single baiting is a sport!


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mimimimimi miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear sock monkey
happy birthday toooooooooooo youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
:)

hee!

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so yeah... tonight

tonight othercat and i met up with princess valium at basically a random pub and you will never guess who was there.

okay the more astute of you will guess... yup. climber guy.

NO nonononono

NOT hot climber guy (aka hcg) who seems like an excellent and most interesting human and incidentally a hot guy that climbs.

okcupid climber guy that dated princess valium and i within days of each other and then foolishly told us... which end result? she and i are now hanging out again and he didn't get to bang either of us.

this is rather satisfying.

amusing factoid number one?
neither of us thinks that he's hot anymore.

number two?
i've dropped a size or two since then and buffed up and she is looking happy and beautiful!

number three?
*snerk*
as she and i walked by his table on the way back from the can i did this little half step jig thingy and then half turned to her and went 'wait ... is that...?'

and she goes 'yes, yes it is'

and we both burst out laughing and walk on.

we don't actually care if he heard us or noticed. we're just happy cause it was hilarious to us and we can assume that he's been dissed and he knows it.

all is well with the world.
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you know that expression be careful what you wish for?

well it's true.

i am teaching so much that i can't get any sleep. i don't have time to shop or to hang out with my friends or to adequately blog or to surf lavalife or to go climbing as much as i want to or to take pilates classes (the ones i wish to take are all during classes i teach) or to WRITE UP INVOICES!

and it's not like i'm making any more cash because my car has informed me that it's been nice to me for long enough and i have to buy it some parts.

which okay.

it's helpful that it's christmas and there's probably cash coming from my folks (read car parts). also that my car waited until the second i could afford it (not a second more *grumble*) to break instead of breaking in the summer when i couldn't pay for it.

a couple of clients paid for ten sessions in advance which pads the checkbook a little but still. i have no fucking money and i'm working all the time and i'm exhausted. also i still have to pay for studio time for them for a month or two even though i got the money now.

i can't complain yo i really can't. i'm doing something that i love. something that feels like a calling and a personal quest. i enrich people's lives and give them hope and this is by far the best job that i've ever had.

it's just also the hardest.

which fair enough right?
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oh man ladies. there's a new man at work and he's fucking beautiful. so beautiful in fact that i FORGOT WHAT I WAS SAYING when i was talking to him. he came to my class and then started asking me questions about certifying and the like and we talked for like an hour and seriously. i forgot how to talk a few times.

i was literally mesmerized by his beauty.

how the fuck does this happen?

i don't think i've been this stunned by a man's looks in months and maybe years before that. it was kind of amazing.

also he plays the accordion and he's nice and interesting and that makes him hot.

why didn't i meet men like that when *I* was his age? *sulk*
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oh man... pretzels and nutella.

so fucking good.
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oh fine elle, since you asked *grin* he's 6 or 6'1 and he's got a shock of dark hair and narrow hips paired with broad shoulders. just enough wrinkles at his eyes to look not 12 and not so many that he looks old. beautiful arms, listens intently and smiles easily and yet slowly...

same kinds of lines around his mouth as around his eyes. eyes which are that indeterminate color near brown but not actually there and seems pretty smart too.

perfect for you since he's 26 :)

also? did i mention the arms?

gawd i'm such a shallow bitch sometimes!
:)
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okay my drunk ass is going to bed for at least 9 hours.