5 things that are objectionable

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a few weeks ago when the 'flag this blog' option appeared in the navbar bubbles was the first to point it out. In response she posted 5 things she finds objectionable and challenged us to do the same. I didn't have much to say then so I stuck it in a corner for a night when what I wanted to blog about wasn't something I could really say.

which is happening a lot lately. conclusive arguments have been made for the starting of another blog but i have another idea. i think i will write the posts and stick them in a corner and then post them at a time when whatever it is is SO irrelevant that noone will have a fucking clue what it's about. I mean my posts aren't really time related anyway.

currently i'm typing two posts at once and editing my okcupid profile as directed by several friends. apparently my cheery nature is hidden by the cynical nature of my wordage. whatever. anyway what's funny about this is that i can barely move my freaking fingers [so of course i think i'll go climbing tomorrow {riiiiiight} somewhere in between a job interview, teaching a class and a bb king concert when all the while I can't use my arms! I crack myself up.

Also? SO STOKED about BB KING! What a fucking fantastic birthday present othercat came up with this year! I yearn to approach playing drums the way bb plays guitar.
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okay 5 objectionable things

1) cops who don't follow the traffic laws while driving. especially irritating are lane changes without signals and tailgaiting. (tailgating?)

2) neglect or harm toward children or animals.

3) men who will work for weeks to get a woman into bed and then drop her like a hot potato the next morning. what did i do to deserve that i ask you? [note this was years ago... ]{and it was some damm good sex too which made it even weirder}

4) shouting your opinion more and more loudly so you don't have to listen to someone who may actually know something about it.

5) boys on matchmaking sites that send 'hello' emails and then expect me to do all the work. Uh dude... you messaged me!

every one bubblelicious said in her post that's linked from the title although my inner environmentalist is secretly delighted at gas prices. also almost every one that was mentioned in the comments on her post... and one more just because:

6) playing that night vision video of those people being shot and the bullet tracers and *shudder* in iraq over and over during a stanley cup hockey game that kids were CLEARLY going to be watching. *I* was horrified and traumatised. I should be allowed to CHOOSE what kind of violence I expose myself to dammit! More than that I should get a choice when my kids are involved!!

Okay I know I don't have any kids but there were kids watching that hockey game in the same cafe i was in and I was offended on their behalf as much as mine.
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That's pretty much it for objections and my day. As for tag... hrm..

I tag (always) othercat and castufari and this week I also tag light strikes a deal, natalia and dzer! :)

ow two

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seriously two days in a row.

you know those little muscles that move your fingers when you type? Oh, you don't? Try climbing two days running and then I bet for sure you'll know them intimately. In fact right this second they're really not enjoying the letter y. Not at all.

Okay I don't want to bore you guys with climbing all the time it's just that I haven't done fuck all lately except climb. Which tends to happen to me when I'm allowed to go climbing. In fact I'm boring everyone I know.

I bored othercat so much that he finally gave in and came climbing with us! Not to mention that I think he liked it. It would be awesome if he did because then my circle of belayers would grow. Hopefully he can convince hot doctor dude to go with him and then my circle grows again.

The nice thing is that i'm firmly entering the inner circle at the gym. Translation? I show up a lot and am therefore worth bothering to talk to. This helps immeasurably when you're trying to figure shit out and you could really use some advice.

Here's the thing, I bore people I know a lot. I'll find something new and fascinating and dive right into it until I grok it and in the meantime that will be the overwhelming majority of my conversational topics.

Ask othercat about when I started drumming regularly (after years of occasionally hitting a drum at festivals) or *shudder* ask him about Pilates. I'm amazed he's still speaking to me after all the rhapsodizing I did. In fact I'm STILL doing it. Eventually he started taking Pilates lessons himself in self defence.

Someone once told me that I have this tendency of diving into something whole hog and then getting sick of it and dropping it. And at the time I accepted this statement as true. But what I've begun to realise is that I only drop shit when it gets boring.

My sister rescued my from this dilemma by reminding me that life is about trying things and that we don't keep every piece of clothing we try on. I'm blessed with such wise people in my life.

So I'm coming to realise that life is sort of like a series of attempts at things. I tried climbing and I love it, I tried fixing my own car and I didn't love it, I tried Pilates and my life changed forever, I tried casual sex and felt icky and so on. Still and all, to not bore my friends would be nice.
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Incidentally I wish I could tell my hit counter to ignore my own IP address.
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Fuck, it's past bedtime again... my eyes are closing and I bet they look like (as mom would say) two pissholes in the snow.

ow

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damm bouldering problem. i can't be upset because i get farther in this set of three problems that i'm working on every time i go to the gym but dammit. don't i get to have a breakthrough day? And not the kind where i'm missing skin on the top of my palm because i didn't do proper callus maintenance.

callus maintenance. yeah. in case you're wondering (which i so know you aren't) you're supposed to get a pumice stone and file at your calluses in the shower or after the shower or some crap like that. yeah, if i had time to GET the pumice stone.

anyway there are these problems and they're only V0 and V1 but they're upside down and shit. so they're really good for working on certain kinds of movement that really do involve your whole body but it's freaking hard. and i'm so smart i'm doing routes tomorrow night with othercat and hubris and i have a bald spot on my palm (better to do routes than boulder with that kind of shit anyway). is it wrong to hit the climbing gym two days running?

bored yet?
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i almost offered to post my hallowe'en picture for dzer but hubris informed me it doesn't do it for him so i'm feeling all traumatised about it now.
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i'm feeling really betrayed by the cbc lockout. like i'm heartsick and i want to cry when i think about it. i hate it when the cbc is broken anyway but this time feels different. apparently they might not even get hockey. i can't imagine hockey night in canada not being on on saturday night. like can't imagine.
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i have been informed that i am intimidatingly intelligent. this is not something i want to be. i don't want to scare people with my brain. impress them maybe, fence for sure but intimidate? that's kind of... damm.
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i have NOTHING to blog about today dudes. like nothing. my nice girls post was clearly it for the weekend.
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i've basically gotten lost in a bouldering problem and i can't pull my brain out of it.
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went for brunch with princess valium today. it was funny because we communicated like the old friends we are but there was so much news neither of us had. I think that if we're careful about time spent around each other we should be able to hang out once in a while. according to her i should get used to being told i'm intimidatinly intelligent. hrmph.

apparently climber guy is messaging her and asking her who he asked to lie to her. seriously you don't think women talk? dude did you GO to high school? he knows we used to be excellent friends.

is it wrong that i'm a bit offended he didn't try harder with me? not because i want him you understand... just. yeah, girls are dumb.
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a friend of mine is getting divorced and i don't know what to say to him. i don't know what to say because i firmly believe this to be a good thing for him. he's been miserable for a little while and vaguely unsatisfied for a lot longer. i'm sad that he's having a hard time i really am but i think in the long run he will be a far more complete person minus his former wife. this makes it extraordinarily difficult to know what to say to him.
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i can't believe how tired i am.

nice girls

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I have this weird conundrum. I'm a nice girl that everyone thinks is a bad girl. So I get propositioned by some very icky people who should really be keeping their bits where they belong and sort of left alone by the nice boys. I don't really get it, it's not like I walk around wearing a skirt that comes down to the base of my butt while wearing 5 inch platform boots.

Shut up hallowe'en doesn't count! And yes, there's pictures.

Yes... I'm a tease.

Onward.

So anyway, because I read a lot of books and a lot of blogs and because I'm open minded and live in the downtown core of a city and because I'm in the heart of the gaybourhood I have a damn good idea of all of the possible lifestyles in the world. I'm even aware that I haven't heard of all of them yet.

I read robert heinlein as a teenager... I even believe this shit is possible. And yet.

I am resolutely a nice girl. I tried that whole sex as recreation thing in my early 20s. And then one day I realised that I felt icky in the morning when I did that sort of thing. Yeah... icky. This was actually really weird for me. I really believe that it's okay to treat sex as a recreational sport I really do. I just can't do it.

The thing is that I wonder sometimes. I try to remember when I was a starting out in the world of sexcapades and I'm not sure I felt icky in the morning back then. I know that I had a couple of less than wonderful experiences and I recall the moment I discovered the difference between having sex and making love but I don't really know when it stopped feeling like innocent fun.

At some point I started to feel like I wasn't respecting myself if I just dived into bed with a stranger for the sake of a boink. In fact recently I was heard to type 'don't you wish you could stick your scruples on a shelf for an hour?' and I meant it. I'm not incapable of casual sex, I know this because I've done it. I'm not incapable of playing with more than one person (and yes, it is fun) I just don't feel good about myself.

So here's what I want to know. Where did this fucking programming come from? I grew up in the middle of the sexual revolution. I read books about sex and polyamory. I rationally decided that a family like the longs in heinleins later books would work... but my body rejected it.

Recently my body has also rejected cheese/dairy and it's zeroing in on grease and meat. (Noooo! I don't WANT to be a vegetarian... i just want to pretend meat grows on trees)

Over the years I've learned that if my body wants something it wants it. I've also learned that if it doesn't I'm not going to feel good if I force the issue. The body? She wins.

But I'm not sure this icky feeling comes from my body. I think it comes from my other brain, the one in my heart and head. Or maybe my soul? I'm pretty sure that if I had tossed my body at the climber or the fitness model it would have been as happy as a cat in heat in a room full of toms. At least I think so... but I'm also thinking I would have felt that I had done something not nice to myself.

A lovely man that I volunteered with at summerfolk told me to make sure to take my time (I was complaining about not having had the chance to try out my pelvic floor since I got some control over it [he's a tai chi teacher... he knew what i meant]) when I decided to climb into bed with someone and I was already inclined to agree with him. It's nice to remember that someone I quite respect who is also older than I am is encouraging similar decisions.

What's the rush right? It's just some days to have a libido and a lifestyle like everything nice sounds damm fine to me. Droughts have wonderful tempering effects on your *self* but they're hard on the libido!

this feels unfinished but as usual i have sleep issues and teaching in the morning.

titles suck

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So i can't really feel my fingers right now because I was working on some bouldering problems at the climbing gym and I am here to tell you that those are way harder on your hands than routes. This makes typing damm interesting (also I eschew the spell check so I actually have to use the BACKSPACE button and it's way up there and my pinky is tired!) There was a couple of really nice guys and this cute little girl doing stuff too (also hubris) so the guys (who were really good [I see it's round bracket day]) were giving us advice and she and i were working on stuff together.

I passed her my favourite stuff to work on and then we played in the cave a little. It was cool to just work on stuff with someone who isn't that good at things. I've developped a theory for bouldering in the cave [the fairly upside down portion of the first bouldering area at my gym] and it goes like this. Who gives a shit if your back is on the floor if you're figuring the moves out?

Ah-ha see? Only a female would consider that legitimate!

Or is that my misogy.. what the hell is it when i woman is being a misogynist about men? Hrm. Rogets.com... okay that didn't work, misandrist. hunh i keep forgetting that word.

Okay anyway is that just me assuming things? Because it seems like a peculiarly female attitude in a culture where campusing (doing a route/problem with your hands and no feet) or doing pyramids is de rigeur. (pyramids you ask? get a belay slave [seriously people wikipedia!] and then go up and belay down and up and belay down 1,2,3,2,1 times on a route with 20 seconds rest between 1/2/3/2/1 {yeah nasty huh?}) I can't comment on laps because I do them myself. Pyramids maybe maybe maybe.

Okay the point is I can't see any of the guys I know being willing to lie on the floor and practise the move and assume that's good enough to start. I feel like most of them would muscle through it just because they could. It's just that I can't and most girls can't.

Anyway there was large falling and much fun and some damm fine traversing. I haven't actually yakked about climbing in a while, didn't want y'all to think I quit or something.
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shit it's three in the morning.
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i had an 8 hour lunch date today. Hah bubblelicious get your brain back here! Put that thing on a leash girl!

Anyway toronto was looking particularly fine today so we took full advantage and went walking. Incidentally picked up the recovering smashingly from being spayed kitten at the vet. She still won't tell me her name but I bet she stops peeing in my underwear. [ps if you have the laser option with pet surgery then take it... she's bouncing around like 8 hours out of surgery and doesn't even know she had it!]
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Off to rugby tomorrow. I have no freaking idea what the rules are or anything. I just know it's the championship and my friend is in it.
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Okay off to read bubbles' latest adventure and take my underslept ass and get it some sleep!

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oh oh

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no, really oh oh.

I've noticed a tendency in myself at previous points in my life that, when things are going well, I sort of forget what it feels like when they're bad. In fact sometimes I even get this vaguely superior thing going.

Why does this concern me? Well it seems that this recent spate of compliments has sent me a little over the edge in the confidence department. Seriously having so many people that you lose count tell you you're an awesome dancer is sort of guaranteed to go to a girl's head.

Then there's this whole 'you're an inspiration' thingy that's been happening lately. I've noticed that with each statement like that my nose fills ever so slightly more with helium. Like seriously I'm actually starting to piss myself off.

And of course as usual I've been musing about this. How do you get good at something, even excel at it (my goal with pilates for example) and have people tell you you're wonderful and accept that praise or thanks by saying (weird I know) 'thank you' and not get high on yourself in the meantime? I know that it's possible because DJ (one of the goddesses that I learn from) reacts with such a wonderful blush and an awe shucks and yet somehow lets you know that she treasures these words from you. And you know it's not the first compliment she's heard in her eleventh or something year of teaching.

So how do you do it? How do you say thanks and aw shucks and not let it go to your head? And don't for a second think that the thanks aren't crucial. When someone says to you 'i feel like you're teaching a private lesson just for me and i can't tell you about how my back is feeling because I'm afraid I'll jinx it' and the class averages 20 people you absolutely have to say something to acknowledge the gift this person has just given you. I know for sure that when I thank DJ I need to know that she's heard me.

I tend to do the aw shucks/delighted smile thing and thank people genuinely... but that's for them, what do I tell my own self? How do I accept these wonderful statements, realise that they are about me and not get high on myself?

It doesn't help that lately people are telling me how good I've been looking these days. At least up until last week I still had 'yeah but you're chubby' to get the nose back down to recognizeable levels.

I can see it now 'hey ok cupid guy... check out my oh so superior nostrils! Aren't they pretty with their lovely italian flair? Admire the little bump where my nose ring goes... Oh you can't see it? Let me just stick my nose a little higher!'

*sigh*

I wish I was kidding. I also wish that being aware of my tendency to feel superior made it go away. Although superior isn't really the right word. It's more that I almost get impatient with people who are having a bad time of it. Like 'can't you see that if you just think positive it will all get better?' Implicit in this is the idea that *I* always think positive and never have a single negative day.

Uh yeah... do you read your own blog dude?

So where does confidence stop and cocky start? How do you believe in yourself and walk tall without walking on a helium bubble? Is it just that you have to wait for the Universe to toss you on your ass *again* so you get the humility/patience lesson *again* or is there a way to do it inside yourself? To stay humble and yet accepting of the great things that are happening around you?
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Incidentally solace gets better every time I listen to it.
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Tomorrow is a hella day. Get up, teach, run to a job interview thingy, run home, mop the front lobby, change, run out on date thingy and then who knows? I have possibilities but nothing firm, sort of like my weekend. It's actually been a long time since I didn't have plans for the weekend, summer must be ending. Not having plans *snerk* saturday at noon: rugby spectating, saturday evening: dinner with clarity and lorax, sunday morning: teach, maybe sunday brunch depending on how things shake down... {yeah that sounds like no plans to me!!!} I guess it's a testament to how busy my usual weekend is?

I'm all stoked about interview/date combination... I think they will do a lovely job of distracting me from each other. It's a great way to break a loop...
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Kitten is getting spayed in the morning... I've never been afraid of cat surgery before...
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Shit, down to 7 hours sleep. Stoopid addictive blog!

Nighters!

oops forgot

cbc worker and her perspective on the lockout here.

shit damn this cbc lockout thing is pissing me off!

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there's this thing happening with the canadian broadcasting corporation. the workers are locked out and it seems there's money at stake. I don't really know what's going on because the CBC is my news source and all they keep saying is 'due to an ongoing labour dispute blah blah blah' and i'm SAD. I hate when the CBC is broken, it makes me want to cry a little inside because it's my friend wherever I am and it's broken.

There was one CBC strike that was awesome though. The french broadcasting guys went on strike (like the people who call the sports) so they were broadcasting hockey with only arena noise. Man. Dudes I can't even tell you how awesome it was. I have a decent TV that I inherited from my dad so we turned it up and were at the game. It was actually better without the commentary. I was there.

This is different. There's lame repeats and bbs broadcasts and some really strange music choices. I'm actually tempted to volunteer as a DJ because I've at least heard of cuba and africa and quebec.

Anyway I'm really sad and I hope that people will shout at the government. This is NOT a strike people it's a lockout.
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Also the car radio has nothing to play and I don't have time to make some new tapes. Fuck.
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Okay onward.
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I found my desk today, it's cute and white and looks so much better without 700 pieces of unsorted paper on it.
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I'm sorta sad how the thing with climber guy went down, i think it would have been nice to have more people to climb with.
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I want to go to a rugby game a lady i know is playing in and noone else wants to come. it's the championship. these girls are good. i'm going anyway, but it would be nice to have someone to hang out with. Well other than a rugby team full of women and their friends at their end of season party. Unfortunately I a) drive and b) have dinner plans with friends saturday night and c) teach on sunday morning.
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May get another club for like three classes a week. Talking to the lady on Friday. Dear Universe, please I really need some more cash in my life I really do.
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I don't really have anything else to say and I'm sleepy. I'm sure this is bad for my ongoing comment addiction but I'm going to just have to suck it up and write something more interesting tomorrow.

ACK!

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Oh man! Oh man!

Okay, I know I promised that I wouldn't turn this into a dating blog and everything but holy crap! In case you missed the text of my email to climber guy it's in the comments from the last post. Lots easier to find now that I killed all the anonymous bullshit! And frankly if you don't read the last post this one will make a lot less sense.

So I sent him my little 'hey dude i'm interested in someone else' email and i think it was EXACTLY the right thing to do *if* I wanted him to get more interested in me. I feel a bit bamboozled because really who could have seen it coming? Except in retrospect it's kind of obvious. PV is into the guy and telling him that she won't date a guy who is also dating me. I'm saying 'i don't give a fuck, do what you want and by the way i'm just not that into you.' So of COURSE he wants me more.

You would think that in 34 years I would have figured out and remembered that one cardinal rule with most guys. Never show them you're interested because then they aren't. (although i think this is only true of the players and the less than sane ones... the sane ones seem to like women who go after what they want) See that rule has an obvious corollary right? The best way to get a guy to notice you is to tell him you aren't interested in HIM!

uh yeah... oops?

So of course he's all but but but and I'm trying to let him down easy and not give away the game for PV and he just keeps making these really inappropriate sexual comments so i called him on it. He decided he was kidding. Anyway he starts teasing me about being a hussy for dating two guys at once and I was all 'in my defence the lead time is really long but i do feel mildly hussyish' and he asked me if the reason i didn't go further on our date was because of this other guy.

Now I grok that I haven't been on a date in like 4 years (two of them i was in a relationship mind you) but since when do people fuck people on a first date? And even more since when do you fuck someone you met on an ONLINE DATING SITE on a first date? What I'm not supposed to have self respect?

And so I said that actually I'm a slowpoke (no pun intended honest!)[snerk!] and he didn't say another word. So silly me I figure that's the last of him.

But no, he pops up on the little IM thingy hours later and we chat for a while (what he's still hot and fun to chat with and it's not like the little british accent is bad either... :) and he was all asking me over for dinner and stuff which i sorta put off answering and which was really weird considering. Anyway finally he actually tells me that I'll have to keep it a secret from PV that we're hanging out! So I said 'yeah no i don't think so' and he goes 'k' and disappears!

Is it just me or is this shit weird? Even if he's a player it's weird. And he's sulking cause i'm hot and i climb and i'm not into him and he's awesome [as othercat would say 'a legend in your own lunchtime]. it's tres tres weird.

God I really hope he doesn't read this blog! *laughing my ass off* Can you imagine the trauma that would cause?
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In other news I just finished August 2004 of Salam Pax' new baghdad blog and damm. That is one scary mother fucking place... and I am here to tell you that if you for a second aren't grateful to your decadent western lifestyle you just go and read his blog (or his book even better!)
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astronomical odds

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so the fucking weirdest thing ever just happened. No really.

You may recall climber guy that i went out with last week? If you don't go read some history and come back. Don't worry, I'll wait. All caught up now? Okay let's go.

So I went on a date with this guy last week and I was pretty much convinced that he wasn't going to call me. Which he didn't actually, he sent me an email. So it turns out that he is actually meeting up with someone else from this okcupid site (sound familiar? yeah me too :) So he went on a date with her and yeah it's my old friend Princess Valium.

What are the fucking odds? No seriously? The guy picks two chicks out of the okcupid herd and it's me and my former very good friend PV [she's the only woman that I KNOW on that site as it is]. Like weirdness. I still don't care you understand, I just think it's funny as fuck. Anyway I gave her a call and it turns out that she likes him a little so i'm going to do the gracious backing off thing because I truly don't give a fuck. It was a nice date, he has a nice body on a climbing wall, the little accent is hot as hell but there is a vague sense of worry coming from the fact that he really likes to call you on habits he considers not healthy... and that's kind of cool but at the same time I can see myself wanting to kill him for that fairly quickly. If I thought for a second that a real spark was there this would be a lot tougher.

Cool result? She and i are going to carefully not hang out full time but will meet up for drinks and fun on occasion while watching our personal mental wellness meters. Cool huh?

Speaking of okcupid... it was funny to hang out with someone who went to high school with okcupid guy and not say anything. I couldn't really figure out what or how to say something. I mean like really 'uh yeah site, so i asked out this guy that you've known since you were a kid but I've never met him [though i'm starting to wonder if we have and don't know it]' or... 'so what was okcupid guy like in high school?' or 'did everyone at your high school speak french?' (which I do also btw) etc. or... you know, badness.

So I didn't say anything to site but i feel sorta strange. Like was it lying not to say something? This online thing is tres confusing.
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I note that Pavlo's CD is improving with listening. I love music that does that.
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Okay that has to be enough talk of dating right? There must be something else to think about. I certainly didn't mean to turn this into a *dating* blog! I know, I'll answer email until I think of something else to rap about. :)
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See I knew that would work. I just saw myself type the words "There isn't much to tell that I didn't already write out in my blog."

Uh yeah.

This is the one complaint I've seen about blogging that's actually relevant. That people who blog expect their friends/family/loved ones/total strangers to read their blog for news rather than actually talking to them. I've only been blogging on a regular basis for a little while but I'm already guilty of this one. I've been heard to say to my sister 'did you read my blog?' so I know what gossip she is and isn't up on.

Now this is my sister. Why am I expecting her to read my news on an anonymous website? Why do I think that she is eagerly logging in to my blog to read the details of my life when she can just call me and have a conversation with me?

That's ridiculous right?

summerfolk!

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damm that was a great weekend. First I discovered a couple of new bands to go see and dance to so i'm stoked. What casti? Yes okay.
Swing!
Pavlo

The thing with the dancing got a little weird actually. Now I can't IMAGINE going to a festival and not dancing. At a real folk festival that can be somewhat difficult because you can only dance so much to a single guitar and a voice. Summerfolk is a little more varied. Still when I hear dancing I sort of run off and jump up and dance because I learned last year that the good dancing is few and far between.

So Friday night I was hanging out with JG and (I'll call him) Site [funny because i only have one reader who will know to whom that nick refers :)] and JG was like 'let's go to the beer tent' so I decided to wander over with them and man. I was blown away. My hips started to dance before I even had my beer ordered and I ended up abandoning these wonderful folks and J's brother CG and dancing my FACE off! Like I was jumping up and down and thrashing around the music was so good. This band Swing meld french and english like true bilingual people do and they can drop a rhythm, stomp on it and twist it inside out without taking a break from the dancing.

In short, they fucking rock.

Then the dancing thing started. People (just a couple) started talking to me to tell me how much they enjoyed watching me dance. I was just like 'uh yeah there's a band on stage, why are you watching me?' Still I didn't pay much attention.

Then I met the band the next morning while they were getting ready for a workshop and the singer accused me of starting the dancing (which i didn't btw) and I realised he had been watching too. So after the workshop the singer from the OTHER band came up to me and said something and then it just got silly. People would stop me to tell me they were watching me dance on a regular basis. Still I could ignore it.

Saturday night comes along and JG drags me off to see Pavlo and I hear about five seconds and I know there is no way I'm SITTING through this stuff. Just not a chance in hell. So she offs to take photos and i off to dance. And that's fine for a while but then the drummer gets out a box drum and sits on it. [If you've EVER heard a box drum you will know that the closer you are to it the more fun you're going to have] So I took off around the whole floor to the other side of the stage and started dancing there.

Yeah so after I communed with the drummer (he may not be aware of this btw) a bunch of other folks joined me and we danced to the end of the set. Finally in the encore this one girl grabs my hand and goes 'let's go on stage' and she really wanted to go so after a bit of convincing I decided to go with her.

Well we jumped on stage and ten people followed us and we just danced out the rest of the set. At one point the singer was calling me out but I let the teenager dance with him cause she was enthralled and really whatfucking ever. And then.

Holy shit the and then is really weird for me and makes me feel like SUCH an egotistical person for even talking about it.

Okay so I go up to Pavlo after his set to thank him for the great dance music (I always try to thank the ones that dance me exhausted) and he hands me a CD and then takes it back to sign it. And then. People the entire rest of the weekend came up to me to tell me how they had enjoyed my dancing... and my little inner ego girl sure loved it. Like all the time.

Still that's not the part that I'm really talking about [even though at least 20 people did that and i'm still a bit freaked out... it got like 'hey you're that amazing dancer' when i said hi to people... WEIRD!] What amazed me was how many people came up to me and said 'I wished I was up there dancing with you' or 'i'm so glad you danced, I wanted to dance but i didn't want to start it.'

Um... what?

If you wish you were dancing? DANCE already. Like seriously. Are you going to spend your whole fucking life going 'oh i would do whatever if i had the nerve?' or 'if someone else goes first i'll...' because I am here to tell you that life is FAR too short for that kind of bullshit.

[please don't mention my total lameness about asking boys out, being a relationship coward has nothing to do with learning to surf or dancing alone]

I was really just baffled by this behaviour and I heard it from a pile of people over the course of sunday. Also I was baffled by why they were watching me over the hot mediterranean guys who were performing about 30 feet to the left of me.

WHY on earth wouldn't you dance if you wanted to? ESPECIALLY if ten other people already are?

Why?

you and i

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yeah i bet that makes no sense as a title. it does make a lot of sense as a thought once i explain what the heck i'm talking about though.

I went (as you know) on a climbing date thingy last evening and it was actually pretty fun. I don't think he's gonna call me and i'm okay with it either way so that's a nice position to be sitting in. But he did this one thing that's really had me thinking all day.

When I tell stories I tend to go something like 'you know how when you're sitting at the bus stop and the bus isn't coming so you light a smoke and then it shows up?' (no i don't smoke anymore it's an example).

And he goes 'no i don't, it's you not me so say i.' well slightly more polite than that but you have to understand the way the conversation was going. and i was a bit flummoxed. It turns out that linguistics and psych and philosophy and awareness and that kinda shit are his bag and he likes to pay attention to that sort of thing. And then I started to notice.

I do it ALL.THE.TIME. Like constantly. I project whatever i'm thinking or feeling on someone else. That's neat shit and requires much thought. I wonder what it says about other things I do without noticing.

Discovering your own habits can be a really fascinating thing. I recall when I quit smoking cigarettes I learned a lot about myself. I really started paying attention to triggers and to when I wanted a cigarette. There were actually a few. Regular habits like 'i'm 8 minutes from where i'm going, time to light a smoke'. Emotional responses like 'my parents are getting tense and about to fight so i'm going outside for a SHIT I QUIT!' Social habits like 'i just ate some great food or had some good sex or... and i need a smoke.'

The thing I notice about smokers is that they never say 'i want a cigarette' they always say 'i need a cigarette.' In fact in the twelve years I smoked I would say that 95% of the time i said need and not want. The words that we choose are so important.

Now I notice when I or people around me use words that are racial or gender slurs. I notice when people assume doctors are hes and nurses are shes... but this one sorta flummoxed me. Much thought is required.
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Okay blogger dudes I'm pissed with you. Flag this blog for objectionable content?!? Make it easier for the religious fundamentalists to spread hate? What the hell would you go and do that for?

Seriously!

Porn is a click away from anywhere, who gives a shit if some blogs are smut. You know, when I was a kid I recall reading books that had sex in them because my parents didn't censor their library and you know what? I just didn't get what it was. Didn't pay it any mind... objectionable content! Hrmph.
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I'm off to summerfolk in the morning so y'all may not hear from me for a few days. I'm stoked, it will be nice to swim in the sound and hit my third great lake of the summer. I'm tempted to drive to Erie just to do a fourth this year... still, missing superior! I can't believe I've never swum in Lake Superior... in fact I'm trying to think of an occasion but i'm failing.
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Ah well, night folks!

you may not always get what you want...

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is it wrong to link your own posts?
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i'm just assuming you read the dear universe blog entry. I'm assuming this because you're here reading this and if not you'll click the link in the title. Seriously it's in the title. Okay fine, lazy fuckers.

anyway you are aware that my birthday kind of sucked ass. but it didn't. i just didn't get what i wanted. i got what i needed.

well okay the cramps were uncalled for.

i got xavier rudd's solace cd from my friend ls. it's really sweet and beautiful. his live album is more... hrm raw? intense? but not necessarily better. this one grows more slowly but is still wonderful. oh lord 'no woman no cry' by him is so sad.

it's hard to get to that space with cachaito on the stereo. it's so cheery you see. othercat i'm in love with this cd by the way. When I get paid in like October you have to tell me where to buy it!
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damm i'm high from climbing. There's something about a good old toss your body at a wall and keep going until it will be hard to hold the gearshift that's just endorphin rushing. also i'm high from the joint in my mouth [hi mom, if you're reading this just pretend the last sentence never existed]{I don't think I told my mother about my blog but i do read it at her house and i tell everyone about it. i haven't told her the url though. anyway i don't mind my parents knowing what i do}

i got some safety pointers that i think are relevant and others that are mostly just habits from a place with a different structure. i find it interesting that the longer someone climbs for the more they slow down with tying knots and checking buckles and so on. i think it's a function of climbing outside or something. i'm pretty careful but around people that have been at it for a while i'm really not as slow as they are. funny because that's also true on the walls.

thoughtful pause.
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okay track five one more time and then some xavier.
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blogging and internetting to music is better than television. however i need to get a tablet.
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yeah so my birthday. [the preceding stream of consciousness brought to you by the evil weed!] i got to go for a swim with my mom and have fantastic food. i hung with my dad a little. i read a fantastic book. i drank irish (yes othercat brought the tyrconnell and i brought the red breast) with my sister and my best friend. i had a blizzard for lunch. also baked alaska TWICE at the farm... mmm such food lately.

and then there was brunch and a nice mellow party and a great wedding and just general celebratory times for days on end and i'm happy as a clam. i had cake for lunch today with pie on the side. it was great. yesterday i had a great egg thing and then three of us split french toast for dessert. with CARAMELIZED BANANAS and proper maple syrup. *foodgasm!*

anyway i guess the thing is that i didn't get any of the shit that i demanded from the universe that day and yet i'm getting calls for work out of the blue and having dates with multiple people which weird. no weird. i don't do that.

like i meet someone and i date them once or a hundred times and then i move on or i stay for awhile. obviously not forever or i wouldn't be single right now but still i'm like serial monogomy girl. but suddenly i'm going climbing with one guy and taking another one out for sushi. that's sort of unexpected. seriously universe you crack me up. i haven't done crap in like two years and now this? what have you done to my boring and resentful existence?

I know I'm not resentful by the way.

Really I have shit all to say today and I got three hours sleep. Night.

But yeah to anyone asking? I had a great birthday and I'm glad the day itself was a touch maudlin. Sometimes you need that.

anonymity and the blogverse.

[this post tried four times to get posted last night but blogger kept eating it]
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had coffee at noon. have to teach at 6:30. WIDE awake.

error error error!
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if you aren't a nerd skip to the next .

MU FUCKING ISP CHANGED MY GODDAMM IP address and now all my fucking email is going to bounce until my DNS guy reads his mail. Goddammit I knew I should have installed bind 5 fucking years ago. See what happens when you're lazy? I'm pissed. Words fail me.
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Okay so I'm really starting to understand this whole *anonymous* thing with blogging because damm. I keep getting busted for saying things about people who a) i had no idea read my blog and b) are too fucking smart for my own good. I say something that I think is all subtle and circumspect
(okay unless you're the okcupid guy in which case sorry) and I get email going 'uh... is that me?'

so

do you ever wish you hadn't told your mother/sister/brother/friend/prospective boy/total stranger/billboard/work colleague/etc. about your blog? You look around one day and realise that
all of the people you might want to complain about actually MIGHT read your blog?

Or, people TELL you they read your blog and you had no idea. You show them one thing (like a picture of your kitten or a link to something or whatever) and then they're like

"so i was reading your blog"

and you're like. 'oh shit... what do you think i said about you?'

Ironically, you often are not in fact referring to whomever thinks you're talking about them. Well I'm not. I can't speak for Scared Bunny and Elle who actually use people's real names and phone numbers!

yeah time to save this as a draft. i got FULLY busted by someone to whom I actually referred in a less than flattering way and I have to deal before I start blogging about it. It sort of seems fair.

the thing is I'm almost never *just* referring to whomever or whatever I'm referring to. Something that happened in my life that day or that week or five minutes ago or last year might pop into my head and I'll just write about it. But what I'll actually do is use whatever happened as a jumping off point for a big long muse about something totally else.
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okay for fuck's sakes the fucking blogger lost my entry TWICE and I'm not typing it again.

I typed it THREE times. I stuck it in the clipboard. I am not MEANT to post the rest of this.
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So, back to anon thoughts. For example, my friendship rant recently. That was actually inspired because scared bunny was talking about men and women can't be friends that one of them doesn't want to fuck the other and I got to thinking. Like 15 years of my life worth of thinking and I realised that he's right. (except othercat cause he's gay and married and more like my brother). So I discussed that and ways of dealing with that and i was in the kind of mood where I was being funny and nasty and you know, I can think of at least three people who almost certainly think I was referring directly to them and are pissed and yet I wasn't. I really was just thinking about stuff.

Or that fucking book 'he's just not that into you' ... there is some great stuff in that book and it really got me thinking. For example there are some examples of abuse/neglect/substance issues that are dead on and great information for anyone in the dating universe. That said, some of their shit is cracked. Like WHY shouldn't women ask men out? No really why not? Most men I know say they would be delighted if such things happened more often?

And their ideas about busy people are fully addled. Fully. Seriously my day today is so nuts that other than finishing this entry I am going to run my ass off for hours and NOT call anyone. Not by phone, not by email, not by carrier pigeon and certainly not by knocking on their door. I gots to work, try to catch a nap, get my car at the doc and so on adn so on and so on. So by their lights I'm not even that into my mother since I surely won't call her today. Obviously these people are busy in regular office hours and have plenty of time on their hands.

Still the book got me thinking a lot about male/female dating behaviour. However I used a guy on a dating site as an example and then fully traumatised him by telling him about my blog. So not only does the poor guy think I'm insane but he also got a running commentary on his behaviour through the filter of that stupid book. In retrospect I probably should have waited a bit before telling him about the blog.

Fortunately for me I believe my gut more than I believe a book that I read, but it's been an interesting few days while I thought about it.

I guess the point is that now I'm trying to figure out where what I want to say stops and where other people's feelings start... also I'm trying to figure out how to talk about my life without talking about someone else's. And I have to tell you I'm really not sure.

well,

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i put up a counter that had like 800 hits to start with because i've been tracking for like 6 weeks and i've had that many visitors so it seemed fair. It hit 900 already. Now it's kind of lame because it counts my own visits and i reload a lot checking stuff but still. that's kind of neat.
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i'm still drooling over that guy yesterday. no really still. and am like distracted by how beautiful he was. that hasn't happened in at least 6 or 8 weeks.
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i told a girl at work about a post i did in a gossipy way and then she actually read my blog. do i or don't i stop admitting to having a blog? heck i've mentioned it to my parents! people read my blog that i would never expect. and people come back.

it's funny because you see *I* write it so I really can't see why anyone would read it. I'm pretty sure other bloggers feel the same way actually. In fact I'm told the Baghdad Blogger (did I mention READ THE BOOK?) was totally shocked by the response to his blog.
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the kitten is resolutely nameless. some possibilities have been and are:
spidermonkey
spider
snake
lifeform
speedbump
whatshernuts
C-Fer
sheena
monkey
hobbes
zazu/zaza/zazz
cat

i'm seriously getting to think her name is nameless.
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i have SO got nothing to say tonight.
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so my online dating life is heating up. there are in fact a few guys that are emailing me on a regular basis and two of them actually intrigue me. one i emailed first and one who contacted me. the former is fully my type and sends excellent emails but is very slow to answer mail in spite of being online daily... so he's probably not that into me although i'll email for a while. the second sends short emails but answers quickly and climbs at another gym in Toronto. Also he opened with 'you sound awesome' which is a fully excellent introductory line.

No like fully excellent.

Right up there with pretty much anything that indicates that you bothered to read past "tall, fit, has boobs!" and maybe paid a SMIDGEN of attention to whether or not we'd get along. Eep, someone named Toohorny just im'd me "how ya doing cutie?" seriously that line outside of a bar?? And like it's going to work?

Oh right, so yeah it's heating up. I think I'll likely end up on a climbing date if nothing else and it's nice to meet other climbers so cool. Also 6'5" which is sort of delicious. I like em smallish (5'7" to 6'1" or so [I'm 5'11"]) and wiry but the tall ones have a certain um... je ne sais quoi. And Elle, you can't have him unless I decide that I don't want him. :)

It's tough with the dating sites. There's not that many interesting men in my age group and on okcupid i'm really at the top of the age curve so there's a lot of young guys after older women in that sorta icky way. I'm not talking 27 and 34 by the way... I mean like 21 year old guys chasing after me when it clearly says i'm 34. My sister would call me ageist. Anyway the thing with the guys in my 'age bracket' is that most of them want their girls a little younger and there's really not many interesting men who are much older than I am around that site. So what that means is that even if you do find a guy's profile you like he's probably already messaging or emailing a zillion other people and a lot of them are women that are 25 and not already jaded about dating.

Gee i'm making myself sound appetizing as a dating potential person *snicker*

It's just weird. Still it's fun and even just the emailing at least gets you thinking about the opposite sex. I think i might ask the guy i'm into out for coffee. I'm really really not the asking people out type [read can't recall ever doing it] though so i might fuck it up. I'm hoping the email medium would work. Oh sure, I've asked people to do things like go for a beer after a group event and sort of hoped no one else came along... sort of 'social engineering' but I've never really just gone up to or called or emailed a guy and been like "so yeah... let's go on a date."

Hmm look I did have something to say after all!

Now according to that terrible book He's Just Not That Into You the very act of my asking a guy out will 'ruin things' because he won't get to enjoy the chase or some crap like that. Secretly I'm starting to believe this to be true. Whenever I've even just sort of done the old 'arrange to be around the guy a lot' thing nothing has ever been accomplished. In fact the only time anything ever really worked out for me there was either immediate chemistry there or immediate friendship that led to more. Some sort of spark thing just happened and he came after me. So this implies that really, asking the guy out would be a mistake because if he wanted me he would have done it already.

It's just the part of me that thinks men are also sane is going 'but wait, that can't be right... lots of times men get crushes on chicks and do nothing about it' ... but you know, the crushes I do nothing about are the ones that deep in my heart i know are inappropriate for me. the ones where if something happened it would be *bad*...

I just feel like there has to be space for the ones you notice slowly, or the ones you like and they have to sort of notice you... or the ones who like you that you need to notice or...

so i wonder... is the fucking book right?

and then i wonder... if you never go after what you want, how the fuck do you get it?

and then i'm undecided some more.

i want to have an indian wedding

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my friend LS invited me to be her guest at a wedding reception today. It was between a Catalan (Spanish) woman and an Indian man (that's east not native {fuck who knows what the right words are anymore}) and it was wonderful. For one thing? The old people danced as much or more as the young people AND the music didn't suck.

The food? Excellent. The music? Awesome. The speeches? Bilingual and not lame. The sentiment? Heartfelt without schmaltz. The Saris? SO BEAUTIFUL!

I was just so happy in that room, there were people of every imaginable description there and all of them were enjoying each other. In fact it gave me hope, and not the cheesy kind where you go to a wedding and decide that if they can get married anyone can. No, the other kind.

The one where you know that there are happy people in the world and that they made themselves happy by working at it and seizing the moments in life. these people DANCE at weddings. They partied together these two families and all of their friends and it was wonderful.

So nice to see people choosing to be happy.
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Oh MAN!

I went climbing with a couple of folks today. I'd met the girl before and I thought I had met the man years ago. I don't think I had actually. I think I just watched him climb. So smooth. Like watching butter or something.

It didn't hurt that he was GORGEOUS and hot too. There was a little drool...

Seriously, he's be up there on a wall climbing some 5.11+ and making it look like a 5.8 and I was trying to wipe drool off my face and not let go of the ropes. Fortunately I think I hid it well.

The point of all this drooling is not actually that the man is hot. I'm pretty sure he's involved with the lady that was there. Anyway she left before him (though they planned to meet back up) and we got to talking about movement. I talked about deep abdominal muscles and relearning to move from them for climbing. He talked about climbing the way a guy who's been doing it for 12 years will talk about it. With gestures and thoughtfulness.

It was really an interesting conversation. It moved on to movement and motorcycles and then using your toes and leading with your knees. He gestured a lot there too. It made me miss my bike even more. I have this half formed plan to sell my car and buy a bike but I think I still need the car. Tough call.

Turns out that he rides on a track and competes in climbing AND is my age. I think really I'm drooling right now.

Anyway, it was nice to talk about theories of movement with someone who is as into it as I am. What was cooler about the whole thing is that this is a guy who is in the circle. You know, the one the good climbers are in. The one where they just show up at the gym and have a group there of friends and people to belay.

I think in some way that by climbing with them (and just him a few routes after she left) I may possibly find it slightly easier to get some routes in when I go there alone. I'm hoping that having seen me belay legendary climber guy (because eventually I noticed that everyone was watching him) will get them to be like 'hey did you want to do some routes?'

Hope hope. Climbing is a lot more fun when you get yourself in a group.
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FUCKED UP this morning. Set my alarm for monday instead of sunday. Sunday I teach at 8:30 and Monday I teach at 9:30. Yeah. So embarassed.
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Happy monday y'all.

dear universe

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I am irked with you. Seriously ... irked. I don't dare be mad or angry of vindictive because, well, you're the Universe and all you have to do is breathe funny to blow my little life up. But still. I only wanted ONE thing for my birthday from you and that was CLEAR SKIES so I could see the fucking perseids meteor shower. Did you miss my 17 messages, 47 prayers, three blog entries, and chanting cousin all asking for the same things?

Now, when I woke up with the worst cramps I've had in like years I decided that was the price that I had to pay so that you would magically clear the skies. When there was mass crankiness everywhere I decided that was just you making me pay it forward. I believed I was getting a clear sky.

Now, I'm pretty sure that I'm supposed to feel grateful for the nice temperature, good food, VERY necessary cash from my parents [brake rotor, windshield... maybe a fixed cat], company of my family and best friend, swim in the pond with my mother and ONE SINGLE meteor that I saw through a hole in the clouds.

It was a nice meteor. Good and strong with a solid tail and it happened to go in the general direction of the opening in the clouds. And my sister saw it too.

But still, I was exhausted all day and nothing was quite right and then today was just as shitty. Somehow it was kind of a flat couple of days. The serious cramps... so not helping and still echoing a little.

I'm trying to count my blessings but it's just not... quite... working. I'm healthy and happy. I can eat, I can fix my car. My cats are healthy and I have a job interview on Wednesday.

I think this whole dating thing is getting to me. I emailed a guy on okcupid.com and he emailed me back some great stuff... so i emailed and he emailed, three days later... and i emailed and nothing for like 6 days. It's weird. I wonder what he said... Mostly that he spent 40 minutes writing to me and the server ate it. And that he hopes we keep communicating but just nothing that's actually hrm... i don't know how to explain it but i'm pretty conclusively sure that he's just not that into me. It could be the 6 day wait to answer my mail. The tragedy of okcupid.com is that you can actually SEE if they're online if they're in your saved people list. It would be easier to believe he were busy if i didn't know he was online every day.

This all seems just a little too difficult. Maybe there's a vibe or dating is not in my near future destiny or i'm trying too hard or something.

I found out conclusively that someone I thought was going to be a really good friend is actually kind of self centered and all about themselves. this saddens me because it means my ability to read people is even more fucked than i'm discovering it is.

I read the Baghdad Blog book and it's FANTASTIC. Somehow it makes me feel even lamer for being depressed about my life. Here's this guy writing about having 4 hours of power a day and no internet. Being grateful to get a shitty dialup connection or food at the store. Bombs and mortars hitting the house just over there. Sinking a well so as to have some kind of water to drink. Having guns pointed between his eyes if he drove past a convoy. Like this is some scary shit.

So then I sit around and feel sorry for myself because noone wants to date me. But I have a working (mostly) car, healthy pets, food at the store, a job that pays me, a dsl internet connection and access to western media.

I'm supposed to be grateful for my blessings dammit. I'm living in the fattest, richest civilisation there's ever been with probably the biggest dichotomy between cultures ever and my culture the direct beneficiary of ALL of this and I'm miserable. Well okay miserable is too strong a word.

I tend to be smiling and striding down the street. I don't stare at the ground and feel sorry for myself or anything. I just feel vaguely dissatisfied with my life and my lot. I think it's that my feet are so damm itchy for travelling I can't bear it.

Maybe some travel company will decide they like my writing and send me places.

Maybe Pilates will get me a job at some crazy resort. Damm that would be cool, must look into that.

All signs point to time to move. Let's see what actually happens.

yes, it's my birthday

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and sue me, i like it that way. It's my favourite day of the year. There's meteors if the goddamm skies clear. There's usually alcoholic beverages and PRESENTS! People give me presents just because it's my birthday and I like it. Not to mention there's always some phenomenal FOOD!

I am twelve.

I am a greedy little selfish bitch who wants it her way all of the time and today it IS!

HA!

It's mine and it's not yours and I am going to have a fantastic day. And incidentally a fantastic weekend and a pretty good week next week and possibly a fantastic weekend next weekend. A swim in Owen Sound if nothing else.
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Currently I'm in a pretty good mood because the jam with the band gets better every week. My hands were almost too sore to drum because i've been doing a lot of work in the building and a lot of swimming while i get my water certification.

Hell I haven't been climbing since SATURDAY! (Going tomorrow to boulder for a bit) That's the longest I've gone since I started back up again. Secretly I need the time off and I'm enjoying it but it feels weird to pay for a gym membership I don't use. It's okay I'll go on Monday as well probably.
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This learning to be a swimming instructor thing is really fun (but tiring!). They have some ways of teaching kids to swim that are really clever and also a lot of fun for the kids. There's dancing and splashing and jumping up and down and the kids clearly love it. The teacher asks if they want to do whatever it is and they're thrilled. Meanwhile they're practising stroke mechanics and learning to be safe in the water.

They don't even notice, they just think it's playtime in the pool. I think I might try to teach swimming a little always. I think I prefer the kids that are more advanced though. I can just tweak instead of starting from scratch. I'm better at the tweak than the initial concept.

I'm really glad that I'm doing this because I feel like I'm reclaiming a part of myself. I'm more and more sure that I will someday end up coaching swimming and I think I will probably work with the early years. Under 13 for sure.

Anyway it's way past time to sleep and I'm exhausted...

Remember... CLEAR SKIES TOMORROW AFTER DARK PLEASE!

5 idiosyncracies

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this is hard and i haven't even started yet. i, like tania who is the link in the title, like to close my eyes when i'm eating something really good but that one is hers.

okay uh

1. no matter where i am or what i'm doing chances are i will end up teaching someone something.
(and most likely i will apologise for doing it)

2. when i sleep i need to cover my privates with like 4 inches of blanket and then somehow i feel armoured against the world.

3. i try to say the nice things that i think... even if it's a stranger and i just like their shoes... that's easier than doing it with the people i love.

4. i count things and letters constantly. (less when i'm busy)

5. i'm excited about a 3 day festival 362 other days of the year.


Okay that last one is sort of lame but seriously I got tagged three days ago and I am telling you I can't think of a 5th cool and happening and uniquely me idiosyncracy. Sure I could say something like 'i check out every remotely eligible man and some women i see' but that would make me just like everyone else. As would 'i turn into a twittering bird around men i'm really into or lay it on too thick or just generally something or other'... then i could have said things like 'i need to lose 20 pounds but frankly i like myself too much to make that an idiosyncracy.

At some restaurants I order the same thing every time i go there?
I hate underwear?
I have a mail/web server in my closet?

Seriously, four is the magic number I'm telling you.

Okay so tag (again!) to everything_nice, R. U. Serious, (trying to pick from different blognodes or something...), lividviv, dzer and uh... wait i have issues with five... let's make it four and um... yeah castufari!

Night!

damm today sucked by the way. the boiler room had a rainstorm.. the city had to shut off water to three buildings for us to fix it. i got up at 5:30. Just as i was passing out for another hour at ten am the door knocked and the boiler room was raining.

also i taught four classes at WEIRD times and had lame 2 hour and 1.5 hour breaks.

Really now... got to crash...

thoughts...

. i like taking tests that men who match me took on okcupid.com
. my kitten doesn't want to be spidermonkey either
. everything nice writes good smut
. sushi is delicious and twice a week is appropriate... but is three?
. comments are fun
. he's just not that into you is actually pretty good
. damm that last one is annoying
. what my tenant lent it to me and i'll read anything someone i like thinks i will like
. what do you do on the days when your blog doesn't tell you what to say?
. is it a list if there are no numbers?
. that gunslinger test was kind of fun
. did i mention that xavier rudd fucking rocks?
. also did i mention how much fun tony hawk pro skater is?
. k, just checking
. lists are always such a good idea when you start them
. i still can't find a fifth idiosyncrasy. it's hard this tag
. hope with me for clear skies on friday night, the perseids are supposed to be really good this year
. did i mention lists are hard?
. teaching double time is tough... need to keep building slowly i think
. pilates studio brunette beat me so i can hardly move again
. all we did was stand there
. okay and lift my legs a couple of times
. can hardly move
. can't wait to take the new insights climbing
. going to teach my teacher to breathe in the water
. yay!
. also anatomy class this weekend!
. and my birthday!
. and meteors!
. and family time!
. damm i love august
. and summerfolk music festival!
. i got more traffic in the first week of august than i did for all of july
. that's kinda neat
. oops i forgot i'm doing a test
. it's getting a touch long
. i forgot to put sheva in my music list because i don't have the cd YET
.
. so let's see i'm the law
. and i'm dead in the showdown at the end of the movie.
. on that note, i'm going to bed

i have been musically tagged too!

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"List ten songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to."

1. Messages - Xavier Rudd (really the whole Good Spirit album)
2. Bilanga - Yondo Sister Et Le Groupe Planete
3. Sleep to Dream - Fiona Apple
4. Friends - White Stripes
5. Wonderful World - any of Joey Ramone, Louis Armstrong, Isreal Kamakawiwo`ole
6. Brother Down - Sam Roberts
7. Let Me Be - Xavier Rudd
8. I don't wanna grow up - Tom Waits or Holly Cole
9. The Nickel Song - Melanie
10. Cachaito In Laboratory - Cachaito

:)
That was fun, and much easier than idiosyncracies.

And let's see... I tag castufari, stoned.nerd, tania, othercat and factory_peasant.

friendship

by the way, if you're the type that thinks everyone is talking about you when they don't reference you then just to clarify here, i am not talking about you and yes i do reference both past and present as present tense so suck it up, i'm talking about someone else. no really, i am.
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i've been musing on the nature of friendship lately. There are so many different kinds of friends in my world. There are friends, old friends, good friends, party friends, family friends, friends who are family, friends i want to fuck, friends who want to fuck me, friends you need, friends who need you and blood family.

now a lot of people can fall into multiple categories and really, it's easy to switch around... but it's two categories i'm musing on today.

people i want to fuck and people who want to fuck me.

when i was a teenager it was pretty much impossible to be friends with a guy i was into. there was giggling and silliness and ridiculous overtones of archness that were NOT subtle. anyway it was impossible. so was dating because i believed all that nice girls don't crap. tragically i still do in many ways.

but see i'm NOT a teenager anymore. if someone doesn't want to fuck me then they go into the 'vague regret slightly flirty friend' file. which basically means that i like them a lot (because i have to or i don't want to fuck them... if i don't LIKE you i don't WANT you. sorry that's just how it is) but that i get that i don't get to get naked with them.

surprisingly, it turns out that i'm fine with this. no, really.

i have very few friends that i used to fuck and several friends that i used to WANT to fuck. see how it works? i get them longer if i don't boink them anyway.

so now the other kind. the ones that want to fuck me. it all comes down to whether or not they take no for an answer see? like i'm a person who gets told no and lets it go very quickly. some people though you can take the no and clobber them into the depths of hell with it all the while shouting NONONONEVERNOTACHANCEINFUCKINGHELLNONONONOWAY
NOTEVERNOTNOWNOTEVENINYOURFUCKINGFANTASIESANDSTOP
LOOKINGATMELIKETHAT!!!!! and still they're staring at you with these puppydog eyes and making like if they just ask you one more time or make one more comment about how hot they think you are you'll like magically decide that *yes* you do want to fuck them.

No, really, I won't.

No, really, I won't.

Should I say it again?

Now sometimes the wanting to fuck person just needs to be told and they're over it. if you have someone in your life that wants to fuck you and you don't return the feeling and they broach the subject do not beat around the bush [heh!] just tell them. No, just tell them, it's actually kinder in the long run.

If you're the wanting to fuck person in the scenario above and you think maybe they're trying to tell you something then LISTEN but if you wonder at all then just ASK them in a nice and respectful way. Maybe they'll surprise you and want you back, but if they don't? Then let it the fuck go. Right now.

They are not going to change their minds. No, they really aren't. When the time comes it comes and if it doesn't it ain't gonna and all the hanging about looking woeful ain't gonna do crap to change that. in fact that will just irritate the shit out of them.

The only exception to this is that if you hang about and be super cool after having completely let go of the idea that you want them then something real might grow between you. About a 1% chance so really, just let it go and see what the future brings.

The thing that's hard to figure is what to do with someone who yearns to fuck you and won't take no for an answer. What if you genuinely care for them? What if time spent together is actually important to you? What if you consider them true friends? What if they're really awesome potential friends?

There's the disappear off the face of the earth and never be heard from again scenario but that sort of robs you of some potential great friends (who might have taken no for an answer you know).

Then there's the distance yourself and get a little less available and hope they get over it school but that one rarely works and often makes them yearn for you more.

Then there's the tell them that you find it ragingly annoying and it needs to stop or you'll be forced to stop hanging out with them idea but that one is screamingly tough especially if you really want to be friends... should be used when there are no alternatives perhaps? [has universally LOST me said friend]

Then there's the hope it goes away and do nothing plan but let me tell you it isn't and it doesn't.

Then there's the fuck them already and get it over with plan but that only works if you secretly wanted to fuck them all along.

Can't think of any more but i would SURE like to hear them if y'all have them because so far none of my plans have ever worked in implementation. [Well except the disappear one but that's rather akin to cutting off your nose to spite your face.]

This seems to crop up for me on a semi regular basis because i'm the girl that people want to have one night stands and affairs with but not the girl they want to like primarily date... and they wonder why i have trust and intimacy issues. *rueful laugh*

Compounding this is the fact that not one of the men i've found attractive in the last 2 years has found me attractive in return and you can see where the problems can come from. The nearest miss I had in two years was with a guy who was "only" living with a girl. Good for me I sent him packing. Seriously, I get hit on by married folks, people who just want a casual drunken fuck and people that are heavily involved and that's pretty much it.

Anyway... thoughts please :)

i have been tagged!

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I got tagged for this :
id•i•o•syn•cra•sy - a structural or behavioural characteristic peculiar to an individual or group. Write down 5 of your own idiosyncrasies, then if you wish, tag 5 people.

Like Tania who tagged me I will have to think about this. I'm stoked to see what I come up with and what the people i tag come up with.

yeah

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not too much happening.

i was struck amused by something today. someone said that i seemed like a really active and busy person what with all the stuff i was doing and i realised. i am!

for example today, i went and took a class at my favourite studio with my favourite teacher and only one other girl showed up so we worked on some really crazy stuff that 'she wouldn't teach to beginners' like our psoas muscle. it was damm fun let me tell you and I am worked out in a couple of places that really needed it.

so, i went for lunch with a classmate and then sped home for a showing and then did some tony hawk [actually elissa steamer] playing and a little smoking i confess and then off i went to the climbing gym and did some bouldering which i was TOO tired for AND then found someone who looked like they wanted to do routes and did some routes [and incidentally got a few moves higher in the 5.8 that i hate {read that kicks my ass}(wow nice run on sentence)] and then some more elissa and THEN dinner with my friend PM and ice cream and MORE elissa.

did i mention i was fully addicted to tony hawk pro skater? cause yeah.

i suppose that makes sense since i snowboard, want to learn to surf, dated a couple of skateboarders, am a supremely amateur skateboarder, snake board, love fast race games and ski that yeah, i would like this game.

i suppose it also makes sense that people consider me an active person. I still picture myself as that slothful mess on the couch with the 8 joints a day and the 60 hour a week television habit. Not to mention the junk food cupboard. i mean sure my back was so fucked i had to crawl up the stairs to the bathroom but still. so now my back is fixed so i do more so i eat better because my body WANTS to eat better and i smoke less AND then i get more energy and i do more.

i think i'm a bit nuts.

i'm headed for a crash, i need a couple of days to just veg but i tend to steal them when i should be working on the building. the building is looking a lot better which helps but nonetheless i am burning a candle at both ends while it sits under a broiler. this is the usual pace of my life it's true, and i did have 60 hours a week to fill so i guess that makes sense but sometimes i wonder when the mellow time is.

i'd sort of forgotten just how much shit i actually do. after the accident my schedule went like this:
monday - pilates 3pm
wednesday - therapeutic not nice massage 1pm
thursday - pilates 2:15pm
saturday or sunday - splash at pool with friend
insert 'watch tv here' into empty spaces.

and i'm telling you that was ALL i could bear. I was so fucked it wasn't funny.

i read once that it's not the things that happen to us that affect us it's our reaction to them. and i fully believe that to be true. had i realised that i was injured and thus been proactive in seeking healing i would have been better three times faster. i might not have spent years getting to this place. that said, i wouldn't have nearly the grounding in pilates that i do because of it.

learning to breathe and raise your arms and point your toes and walk? this is hard shit and deep and it makes the big movements, the healthy body work, just so obvious and easy. they ask me (my clients) how i can see that they are using different muscles or not doing quite the right thing and the answer is that i've been every one of them.
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incidentally i am 15 hours of free swimming instruction from being an 'associate swimming instructor' where i'm the one doing the free instructing! i'm so stoked, it's really fun to teach swimming.
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prayers to my friend r who is having a bad time. may you be well through this my surfing fiend and remember that people need you too.

i want!

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damm i just did this post and made the fucking mistake of previewing. crap.
[note i don't say buy this game THERE, that's just the coolest writeup I found]

okay... so TnA and I just spent the evening playing the aforementioned game and now I WANT IT! She has Pro Skater 1 for Nintendo so I want 4 or maybe 3 for my PS2. It's a really awesome game and I can only imagine how much better the 4th generation one would be.

I don't covet that many games but this one kicks ass.
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I feel a meta moment coming on. I was compelled to write my previous post because of what was almost surely some tongue in cheek commenting on another blog that I read. It was more the last straw then the only thing that ever made me think of it but regardless.

And so I wrote what was, to me, a thoughtful post about my very own thoughts and feelings and I asked some questions. And people answered. I am so impressed by the calibre and timbre of the responses I got. I wish there had been a few more people who weren't already agreeing with me because I find that I learn a little more from people I don't agree with than those that I do.

Well not always, but often.

Anyway I really appreciated that everyone tried to just give their own thoughts without attacking anyone (well except micheal moore but he sorta deserves it).

Interestingly my traffic is increasing lately as well. This according to the free tracker I use which really only notices where you came from... not like the ones that know what colour underwear you aren't wearing while you sit there masturbating to their blog. You get what you pay for :)

Now I really only just started counting in the last few weeks and I've only been almost daily posting for a while longer than that so I don't really have a baseline yet but regardless it seems to be rising. That's pretty cool.

What's even cooler is the variety of unique countries people come from. I think it's interesting enough that I'm going to post it here:

United States / 253 / 61.86%
Canada / 92 / 22.49%
Singapore / 15 / 3.67%
Argentina / 4 / 0.98%
Philippines / 4 / 0.98%
United Kingdom / 3 / 0.73%
Australia / 3 / 0.73%
Portugal / 3 / 0.73%
Mexico / 3 / 0.73%
Brazil / 3 / 0.73%
Unknown / 2 / 0.49%
Guam / 2 / 0.49%
Malaysia / 2 / 0.49%
Japan / 2 / 0.49%
France / 2 / 0.49%
Chile / 2 / 0.49%
The singles: Austria, Romania, Lebanon, Taiwan, Republic of Korea, Spain, Bangladesh, Poland, , Satellite Provider, India, Turkey, Italy, Puerto Rico, Islamic Republic of Iran.

How cool is that? Like seriously? I know that a lot of these people never came back. I get that a lot of them took one look and were like 'dude um... no' but still. Look at all the crazy places that came/come here from in just a few weeks. This really is the global village, more than IRC, more than email, more than the regular web. This is it.

If even 5 of those people read my blog again and I read a couple more blogs because of some comments that got made and someone else reads another blog because of some other comments then well... it could sort of change the world.

I don't mean MY blog hey, I mean bloggerdom in general. Heck I've linked to someone in california and north carolina and singapore and texas... and that's just recently. I feel a link expansion coming on in the next while and then lord knows. So if we all do that a little and we all try just a little to hear what each other are saying then this learning to get along thing might happen.

Could you imagine the potential of the human race if we stopped fighting over resources and started sharing them? It could be a brand new day and suddenly i'm quoting fucking Sting.

Shoot me now.

Still, it's a pretty cool thought isn't it?

Shit, I have to sleep, class with the goddess in the morning and then probably some bouldering...

you're either with us or against us.

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This is, in my opinion, the single most baffling statement of all time.

Since when is the world coloured black and white? Since when do other people's thoughts and feelings not count? Since when is it okay to impose your will on a sovereign being because you don't happen to agree with the way they are running their lives?

Now, if by not being with you I was out there recruiting guerrillas and trading for 'weapons of mass destruction' and incidentally I was funding some radical groups that had threatened to destroy your way of life then SURE I'm against you. But why am I not allowed to disagree? Why can't I say 'hey neighbour, i see that you think you're doing the right thing, but well, for me personally it's not the right thing and I'm going to sit here and continue my role as a peacekeeper and mediator okay?' Why does that make me *against* you? Please explain.

Now I can understand that when someone is threatening your freedom and way of life that you might feel attacked and that you might feel justified in flattening a couple of sovereign beings or countries in order to feel safer... I just don't understand how it makes people *actually* safer. Also, I'm Canadian and since so many people of so many faiths live here we don't tend to get a lot of terrorist activity. That and Pierre Trudeau sort of nipped that in the bud with the War Measures Act a couple of years before I was born.

Imagine curfews and soldiers in the streets of Montreal. Such a weird concept.

Okay, so maybe I'm naive but it seems to me that by bombing someone into oblivion you are creating the very 'radical fundamentalists' that you are trying to defeat because I have to say, if you drop bombs on my head I'm going to hate your guts forever. No, forever. Not to mention that I will also teach my children to hate your children.

What *I* won't do is hate a whole bunch of people who weren't involved simply as an excuse to invade a place that has some of the sole remaining oil reserves in the world. We're running out of oil, face it, get over it and find some fucking alternatives. Finding excuses to bomb the shit out of a place instead? Seriously... get over yourself.

Why not try a little patience and free education instead and watch people learn to like you instead of hating you for your capitalistic and overbearing behaviour.

For the record, I was in favour of the FIRST Gulf War. In fact I thought going in to protect Kuwait was pretty impressive even if it was all about oil... but this? This senseless slaughter of people who really don't want you in their homes? [For the record, if you've BEEN there I would really like to hear your thoughts. That said, if your thoughts upon seeing a town that's millenia old are 'wow these unfortunate bastards don't even have a denny's' then I really don't give a shit what you have to say.]

I watch what's happening in the world and I'm fully baffled.

Even more baffling is when I read blogs and comments that are filled with educated people and I read them saying 'bomb all those Islamic motherfuckers'. Um... what?

Islam is a pretty peaceful religion all told, more peaceful in fact than Christianity. Muslims? The same. Sure they have their radical fundamentalists but you know what? So do the Christians. Please don't tell me that I have to remind you about the Klu Klux Klan and the Crusades. Please.

All we're seeing today is modern day crusades and I just don't get how that's any more okay now than it was then. I further don't get how theoretically smart and educated people can say 'bomb them all into oblivion' as though EVERY single follower of a DIFFERENT religion is evil and somehow plotting to wreak havok on them. As if. Most of those people are as horrified by recent events and the behaviour of the radical fundamentalists as the average american is horrified by the Klan.

So if the KKK was after brown people instead of black people would anybody give a shit?

to drive or to park

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Lately, when driving, I've found my attention wandering everywhere but the road. Now if I'm awake and alert and it's a nice day and I'm in a good mood it's not a problem. But otherwise?

Damm, today I almost hit the same car three different times. I found myself more fascinated by the new climbing calluses on my fingers than the road. I was on the phone, worried about my schedule, chewing my nails (after getting climbing chalk OUT of them) and so on.

None of this had anything to do with the shitty traffic I was stuck in.

Now, I'm sort of thinking that this may have something to do with the weather. It's humid and hazy and the smog is sort of crowding in on itself in an attempt to make even bigger and better pollution records for august.

Hrm, now if that isn't an argument for moving back to the country I don't know what is.

Anyway the air smells horrible right now and I'm basically praying for rain in order to wash all that shit out of the air. Except it rained. today. a lot. and it didn't do crap for the ozone smelling mess that i'm breathing.

Still, none of that explains why suddenly I can't be bothered paying attention when I'm driving a multiple ton piece of machinery. [hmm I wonder what my accord weighs...] It's almost as though I've grown contemptuous of the road. As though I know it can't hurt me.

And I am here to tell you that is the single stupidest thing I have EVER said. Because here I am, three and a half years later, and I'm STILL in recovery from the last accident and that one wasn't even MY fault. In fact I was sitting, STOPPED and waiting to turn right when I got rear ended by a moron who thinks that friction doesn't apply to HIS suv.

So it's not like I don't know the consequences it really isn't. And it's not like I'm not aware that an EIGHTH whiplash might just kill me.

So what is it? Why am I suddenly utterly unwilling to pay attention to the road?

And what do I do about it when I need my car for work?

it's RAINING!

running outside to dance in the rain!