25 ... 35
[fyi my birthday is not today or tomorrow, in fact it's a ways from now... but it's close enough it's got me doing the birthday thinking thing]
.
i remember when i was turning twenty five.
twenty five was the year that i gave up the knight in shining armour and you know? i thought that might be the hardest thing that i ever had to do. i mean face myself in the mirror and admit that the only person that i could ever count on to take care of me was me?
that if i wanted someone to rescue me from my life that i'd better damm good and do it?
so i did. i also ran off and married someone a year later so i guess i hadn't really given it up. but nonetheless, the summer that i turned twenty five was pretty hard. in fact, until thirty five i would have to say that twenty five was the hardest one ever.
no one was going to save me from my life.
i wasn't going to be the girl in the movie who is walking down the street and gets whisked off by the king of siam.
no one would go to my grave for me...
in fact? i had to take care of myself. that was it.
[this in no way negated the idea of finding a man, but it wasn't going to be a knight and a charging horse, it was going to be a human with flaws and problems and stuff.. you know {shut up, it's a metaphor}]
so that was pretty hard that birthday. harder than thirty for sure.
thirty was a breeze, i don't think i've ever had a happier year than thirty. there is something about that number that confirms in your mind that you are an adult and that you are living your life for YOU and nobody else.
your parents and your friends opinions don't matter except as you allow them to and your decisions are what guides you now. sure you ask for advice but you're free to discard it.
so yeah, thirty rocks.
[of course if you have kids they come first, duh. but i am not one of the lucky ones]
and then comes now.
a couple of years ago i made a deal with myself because the whole 'to have or not to have kids' dilemma was running pretty hard through my heart but i just wasn't in any position to do anything about it. my body was broken and my relationship (i almost said marriage... funny that) was falling apart.
i still think that that was the universe having a cosmic joke at my expense. here you go sass, here's the guy, you know that guy that you don't think is possible? the one whose brain lights you up? that makes you feel like a kid at christmas all the time? look here he is.
and now let's see... we're going to break you and you're going to break him and then together you'll destroy your relationship and shatter your trust and faith in each other.
hee hee. sucker.
anyway i was still thinking and thinking on the whole kids thing and i knew it was impossible then. so i decided that at thirty four i would investigate my fertility and that at thirty five i would decide once and for all if i was having children or not.
AND if i decided yes?
i would start immediately to make that happen.
and in this way i could just drop the whole subject for a couple of years you know? just not worry about it? i was so stressed about whether or not and what to do and it was better to just let it go.
interestingly the answer floated to the surface fairly quickly once i stopped worrying at it.
and i just didn't foresee what's coming to pass. it just never occured to me that i would *want* to have kids but that i wouldn't be able to get the logistics to work out. somehow in my imagination there was a guy or a larger income or savings or whatever.
so now i'm sitting here with the adult version of the knight in shining armor and i'm sort of flummoxed.
it never occured to me for a second that i would be the one who didn't get to be a parent. i never once thought that if *I* wanted to do it that i wouldn't be able to. it was always just whether or not i wanted to and never whether or not i *could*.
and i can't.
and i'm heartbroken.
and the thing that i don't need to hear from anyone ANYMORE or EVER AGAIN is that i have lots of time. because you're wrong.
statistically a lot of very bad things happen when women have their first children after thirty five. and i won't foreseeably have the resources to have a child until i'm forty.
and there are two things i know for sure.
the first is that i will not have the energy to single mother a baby when i'm forty.
the second is that i would not be able to cope by myself if my child were troubled in some way. i've seen how hard that is with a couple and it's unimaginable alone. no trust me it is. and anyone with a special child is nodding their head in agreement EVEN IF they're doing it alone.
i suppose that tomorrow mr. perfect could walk into my life and that within a year of meeting we could decide to get pregnant but i have to say that i don't foresee that happening either. am i open to it?
yes.
expectant? no. not so much.
i've been thinking for a while that i'm not the one who gets to have the babies. i'm the one who gets to live the great life and be the crazy god mother and leave all her cats to charity. and it's not like that's a bad life.
i mean i'll get to do things like safari in africa and run off to costa rica to learn to surf and climb mountains in thailand and visit alaska and adventure trek in new zealand and...
i'll also be alone when i'm seventy. and i never for a second ever imagined that that would happen to me. i was going to have grand children. there was going to be love and laughter and fun in my house.
i was going to be the kool aid mom.
i recognize that i can adopt. but a single woman who is self employed does not adopt easily.
especially not when she's forty. i could adopt a half grown child in desperate need of someone to be nice to them or something and i am not averse to that idea, it's just that i somehow always expected to have one of my own too and even then it's unlikely that i will get approved.
so i'm grieving.
i'm grieving dreams and wishes and expectations and i'm trying to let them go. i know that if i let them go that it will make the hurting stop. i know that if i let them go i will stop wishing for just a couple more years than i have. i know that i'll stop having a haunted look in my eyes when passing fancies catch me unawares.
i would like to stop looking at newborns and feeling a twinge. i would like to not be slightly sad when people talk about how much their kids mean to them. i would like to see a dad playing with his daughter in the park and not feel melancholy if he seems like a great dad.
i just need to let go. and i know how to do it because i've done it before. it's just that this one isn't going to be nearly as easy as writing a letter to 'you'. compared to this that knight thing didn't even blip the radar.
some people have the hard decades, for me it's the creamy center that's bitter.
dear universe:
i return to you my hopes, desires, dreams and plans regarding family and open myself to the possibilities in all things. and while i'm at it? take the resentment and borderline rage combined with frustration that i'm feeling about that other thing too.
thanks!
loveums
-sass