bipolar day

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so i swear i'll post more next month really i will... but see august has been this crazy month that started with a ragingly lazy long weekend and ends with a weekend of camping.

yes, of course labour day is in august, september starts on the tuesday after labour day. no that's it. otherwise it's not in the SUMMER.

in between there was a campout in hoot's backyard and some sauble beach swimming, a lovely trip to seattle, a weekend in town doing a lot of nothing (and eating out) and now CAMPING!

*dance of camping joy*

there were supposed to be a few other folks coming like othercat's partner and the other drummer from our band but they're being jam tarts. as if we care, we're going to eat like kings and drink royally (mmmm irish whiskey) and laze about and swim if we feel like it.

i'm bringing a BOOK! (don't laugh, i'm bringing a textbook called 'anatomy trains') [oh god i'm a grown up] {bringing school books, yeesh, next you'll start knitting} |would you all pipe the fuck down?!?! i'm trying to write a blog post already| *shakes head*

okay two books... the other one is called 'dime store magic' and it's about a witch. i think that's a stellar combination. one for when i'm not sober enough to comprehend latin words and one for when i am.

oh god, i'm learning latin. how did THAT fucking happen? somewhere, when i wasn't looking, i started to like learning things. amazing that it took about fifteen years to knock the school out of my head and start learning again.

we are going to eat so well, god you guys have no idea what it's like to go camping with othercat. one year? we woke up to snow and had pie for dessert before bed...

there's marinated chicken and filet and steamed vegetables and delicious veggie sandwiches with hummus and avocado and ... crap i need a snack. and trail mix and all sorts of nuts and tea and coffee and irish whiskey and... okay fine, i know i mentioned the whiskey already.

by the way? we're FULLY aware that it's going to rain and we don't give a shit. in fact? if there's no lightning we'll go swimming in it.

and if you've never been swimming in the rain?

good god WHY NOT?
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i have had a seriously stellar and yet horrid day today. i mean total ups and downs.

i won an argument with lululemon... without having to argue!
i taught a sent by the universe class that came out of nowhere.
i did a client who does rolfing and might send ME clients now.
*dance of joy*
i got a raise from one of my group class places.

i got in an argument a few months ago with this guy through my window. he would drive up and park and start to honk at someone.

at one am.

yeah, so i yelled at him and we got into argument after argument and then one day he ranted about me TO someone else, and how annoying i was and how i needed to get it through my head that i lived in toronto and that people made noise.

i decided that he was an asshole and that he had a point. so i shut up.

well then today i get home and harriet is out so i freak and check on mouse and faust and they're fine so i go looking for her.

and i'm looking and not expecting much and then this guy walks up and he's like 'lose something?'

and i say 'my cat' and he realises eventually who i am and he's like 'you're that girl?' and i'm like 'yup' and he's like 'wow i never would have been so mean if i knew how sexy you were.'

i mean what? props to me on the sexiness anyway.

so i prop open my window and i go for dinner at othercat's and i sort of assume harriet will come home and i abandon mouse at faust's house...

and yeah, off to othercat's and packing for camping and then i come home in a lovely mood and ready for the weekend and some fun...

and harriet isn't home.

mouse insists on coming home but she isn't going anywhere near the window so i made it kind of too skinny for her and i'm leaving it open for harriet. that little bitch.

i don't think she's coming back, there's no sense of her here. i've looked around and called a little but i haven't done much [aka wandered the alley for an hour]. i can't really explain it. the window screen was open, the other two cats were here, it's like this place wasn't big enough for her anymore.

yeah you all think i'm projecting but that cat named herself after houdini by escaping to the outside twice in the same day. after never having done it before.

she lived here because she chose to live here. i hope that she chooses to live here again... i'm just not holding my breath. i feel weird though going camping tomorrow and all with my cat gone. aren't i supposed to be crying and stuff?

i guess part of me believes that she'll come back.

and part of me knows that she won't. i wonder which one of us is right.

ah well, i'll leave a space for her in the window and hope she's here when i get back... and of course i'll call the vet and the humane society. i just... i'm not worried somehow [and neither is mouse], she left of her own volition and we'll see if she comes back or not.

hope so.

[yes, of course i'm really sad]

dvod

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somewhere in this post you will find the decryption for the titular acronym.

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oh my god i'm so addicted to pilates on tour i just spent half an hour determining that i can get a ticket to dallas next weekend for 327usd and thus i could spend thursday evening through monday morning in dallas and sitting at the feet of someone worth listening to (elizabeth larkam is doing a review of chair and barrel for example and my repertoire on both of those is shitty.)

i am a junkie.

i'm addicted and i'm not afraid to admit it. i'm only feeling a little weird about the fact that it's freaking education i'm addicted to. hell i pay my teacher before i pay my phone bill.

i mean that's addiction right?

if you had told me in my younger days that i would get addicted to any kind of school? there would have been laughing and maybe a tinge of hysteria.

tragically i cannot afford it. i mean just can't, there's rooms to pay for (226usd not counting either thursday or sunday) and stuff and i'd probably have to take friday off and fly out late thursday instead and and and suddenly it's another seven hundred bucks i don't have. (hotel + flight = 553 --> irony same price as my FLIGHT to seattle! [seattle had an elder...])

but oh god i want it.

dudes i have a crush on school!

*laughs fool head off*
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as y'all know i've recently spent a weekend away from toronto. in case you missed it the post was called *contented smile* and you can click on it from the sidebar. regardless i wasn't here.

and you know what? my ethnic calcio post was wrong. it isn't that i'm hot in italy and i'm not hot in north america. oh no. it's that i'm not hot HERE.

in new york city when i weighed 225 pounds (four years back) i was hot
in calgary, alberta i was hot
in thunder bay, ontario i was the hottest (gosh that was a while back... rome, italy was then too)
in a state park in fucking oregon i'm hot
and i do all right in michigan too...

hell, in the fucking airport in minneapolis i'm hot. i was also cranky, tired, just finished a long and happy weekend of hard work and no sleep and my abs were so sore they were hanging out (fine i was wearing my hot pink tie dyed skirt and a cute little purple top and a falling off the shoulder grey hoodie so there was a little skin showing) and i wasn't smiling or anything.

i was standing on a moving walkway too tired to even walk and every single man that passed me turned to stare. they were dropping like flies in minneapolis.

in seattle? oh yeah there was flirting and getting checked out and a little wishing i had some time to party in that town. i would have gotten lucky for sure. okay fine so i'm not the kind of girl that gets lucky the same day she meets a man but nonetheless, i don't think i would have been buying my own drinks. [technically i never bought a drink or food all weekend, but most of that was (i think) on other people's expense accounts...]

so what is it about here (and vancouver actually) that renders me unattractive?

i am starting to think that it has to do with the movie industry and the post-secondary schools and the preponderance of young hotties around here. there's some kind of imbalance or something.

i've read articles that claim that people in this city make all of their decisions about dating on looks and are always looking to trade up... but even the guys who 'aren't in my league' aren't looking at me.

for the record i think everyone is in everyone's league and then it's all about type. but nonetheless based solely on looks even the guys who would assume they couldn't have me (generally the ones with the brains dammitall) aren't even looking.

it makes me wonder is all. maybe it's not that dating is so hard, maybe it's that the people in this city have funny eyeballs and can't see what's right in front of them.

first i thought it was me or my fat or whatever but no, i don't think it is, i think it's toronto.

i think there's a dating vacuum of death here and that all of us singletons should move elsewhere. just have an en masse migration where we scatter to the four corners of the earth (but not to vancouver and no girls for ottawa, there are too many there already) and start wearing colours instead of black and just generally break the toronto mold.

i really don't know what it is.

i do know that i came home with this thought in my head and then discussed it with a hot guy i know who has similar experiences (he smokes and isn't hot for me :P) and he doesn't think it has anything to do with the actors that live here but that it has everything to do with the bill boards that are *everywhere*

he thinks that whether we mean to or not we're being influenced by these bombarded media images every place we go and every place we look.

and i cannot disagree with him.

i mean we have ads in toilet stalls on garbage containers in bus shelters on the subways all over store windows on downtown walls on flashing billboards way over our heads stuck to our bike lockups in all of our media painted on the sidewalks stapled to the telephone poles glued to the parking ticket boxes on the televisions lining the gardiner expressway [yes a highway with a 90km/h speed limit (56mph or so) and and and and and

so how do we get people to see people instead or posters?

i don't really know.

i just know that everywhere i go that isn't here?

i'm a hottie.

clearly it's time to move *grin*
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note to back brain black hole, how many times have you said that in the last twelve months and for how many different reasons?

forking paths

a while back i did a meme which had the following as questions:

1. i’ll respond with something random about you
2. i’ll challenge you to try something
3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you
4. i’ll tell you something i like about you
5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you
8. if i do this for you, you must post this on yours

and i've decided that the answers i got and their effects on me were just as interesting. IF you want me to do these questions for you feel free to ask in the comments. if you did them for me and you don't see yourself here then i didn't see it either and would love to know it. okay without further ado, your answers and what i did with them.

1. i’ll respond with something random about you

matt vella: i find your self transformation inspirational.
[thanks!]
huneeb: I love your hair, I want to touch it cause it looks so soft :)
[it really is soft and easy to touch and if you ever meet me in person you can play with it all you like]
jmai: I wonder why you never changed your blog photo after all that voting!
[none of them really won and i still haven't seen one i like enough to replace that one... it is old and innacurate now though]
pile: Your different laughs always intrigue me as to what you're really thinking.
[busted, i do have about five of them]
terry: i think you're one of the most perceptive people i know.
[thank you]
johnny canuck: You need to clean out your bathroom floor more often!!
[DONE! and the tub/toilet/sink too! (and thanks for that!)]
natalia: You are one of the bloggy people I have taken to in the least amount of time. I just get this serenity vibe from you. It's really cool
[what you said babe!]


2. i’ll challenge you to try something

matt vella: try asking out someone that you fear (in a good way) asking out.
[i shall, very very soon ;>]
huneeb: I want you to just jump into something for once, I know the turtle wins the race but to just jump and see how it feels; it can be about anything! :) One more thing, I want you to believe that you are beautiful b/c you are!
[i'm planning to do that very thing but i need to wait for business hours to get started... that said? i'm learning to see myself as beautiful, it helps to not be in toronto because this is the only place in the world that i'm not hot]
jmai: Wow this is really hard. Hm. I challenge you to ... Ugh I have to come back to this one. Seriously I've been sitting here for 5 minutes on this one question.
[challenge me babe!]
pile: Cardio. At least twice a week for at least half an hour each time. An no, sex doesn't count. ;)
[working on it, once is happening easily but twice is harder... and it does feel good and i do have shitty endurance and i hate you for being right!]
terry: this is a toughie, as you seem to challenge yourself all the time, which i admire. okay... how about asking one of your (straight) guy friends why THEY think you end up in the friend zone with so many guys?
[i asked ALL of them and not one was willing to answer.. several demanded time to think and then ran off from further questioning]
johnny canuck: Relax on the spark thing a little. Just loosen your grip on that. Spark is surely important, but it isn't everything (honestly). Don't jump from a ship just because it isn't on fire...yet.
[fair enough, but we've discussed the most recent and i think you ended up agreeing with me? and i KNOW you agree with me about you...]
natalia: You are someone who contantly challenges herself, so this is hard. OK, I challenge you to try to make time to come to Orlando. Hehe... I am good :)
[DEAL! getcher butt UP HERE!]


3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you

matt vella: yellow - dunno why, it's the first thing that came to mind.
[favourite colour for old cars]
huneeb: soft green
[the healing colour i choose when i meditate]
jmai: Green. Earthy but full of positive energy
[see above]
pile: Earthy brown - the colour of fresh, fertile earth
[mmm love to play and grow things in that, and it's something i like to think of myself.. that seeds find an easy home here]
terry: an earthy shade of green.
[again with the green ...]
johnny canuck: Red
[now that one is out of left field!]
natalia: Orange probably. It's vibrant and uncompromising.
[mmm love orange...]

funny you almost all picked colours from earth and all this time i thought i was a water.... how we change when we aren't looking.


4. i’ll tell you something i like about you

matt vella: your self-possession. in other words, even though you have all the normal day to day angst that we all do, you are very much the captain of your soul.
[thank you, i'm honoured]
huneeb: I like your perspective on life and people, I think that you have great insight and tolerance. Your honesty is so wonderful and refreshingly genuine. :)
[damm y'all i'm going to blush]
jmai: Your profound honesty. I don't run into too many people like that.
[it's hard, and worth it every single time... it's only when i'm not truthful that i end up paying for it]
pile: that part of you that has rubbed off on me - that honesty and real-ness
[higher compliments cannot be spoken than to imitate another...]
terry: i love the way you write. even when you think you're being random, you have a point. it's a gift.
[thank you, i'm learning to appreciate my writing as well]
johnny canuck: Your patience and ferocity. And, that you are never afraid to use your feet.
[mmm feet... you're right i'm not, and thanks for noticing! i'm ferocious? and patient? wow not expected words at all.]
natalia: Just like I said to Jen...you are into honesty. And you are so introspective. Not enough people do that either. And you share introspection, which is even more awesome.
[thank you, i think it's really important to share it and i don't know why, i just do]

5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you

matt vella: i found your blog completely at random, right around when i first started blogging myself. it was a great introduction to blogging in that you're just the kind of person i was hoping to meet.
[wow, thanks. i think i was one of your first commenters... and links and linkers...]
huneeb: The first post I read of yours was really long and about hockey, you are a hockey guru! Also you encouraging me to start my new blog, thanks :)
[heh, i'm amazed after the hockey that you ever came back, but i'm glad you started your new blog, it's sporadic but lovely]
jmai: That you made me feel better by publicly admitting on Nat's blog that you love One Tree Hill also. I still heart you for that.
[dude i can't find last season to rent on dvd ANYWHERE! *sob*]
pile: When I called you to get the dimensions for my apartment before moving in, you were at Summerfolk and were very drunk - and said so quite openly.
[yup, easier to deal if people know what they're getting]
terry: uhh.... let's see....i kept seeing all these clever comments from you on other blogs i was reading, and noticed you seemed to be linked to EVERYONE, so i finally checked out your blog and haven't left since!
[that's what happened to me with you basically too and besides anyone who calls herself queen of the dorks has to rock!]
johnny canuck: That first date, when I mistook your voice on the intercom for a man's, and was subsequently shocked by how NOT a man you turned out to be.
[*giggle* i have that effect huh? and yet still i get taken as one of the boys...]
natalia: Dude...I have no clue. But that's the magic of it. It's like you were not there and then you were and I can't remember a time without Sass on the blog. But I do remember reading your comment and just thinking...total rockage.
[dude me too, but i know i found you last august sometime and that i haven't left since!]


6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of

matt vella: a doe (a deer, a female deer): feminine, graceful but strong.
[mmm what a lovely thing to be]
huneeb: otters b/c of the convo we had about them but if I think about it I would say a love bird
why a love bird? (and you remind me more of an otter than i do)
I say a love bird b/c I see you as more of a snuggler like love birds do, and they are very sweet and lovey birds, their chirp is not too loud and I see you as more of a free will person, like a bird. :)
[damm... lovely and thank you.]
jmai: A wise old sea turtle. Look, it was either that or a fox and I think you're foxy but you're more wise and also, please don't ask me where I got the idea that sea turtles are wise. Probably because they live for 150 years but still use the word "Dude" ... clearly my experience with sea turtles is limited to Finding Nemo.
[rofl, nice... and i do seek patience]
pile: I don't really associate you with an animal
[yeah i couldn't think of one for you either really]
terry: a cat. sleek, slender, moving with grace. it's the pilates.
[works for me, cats are fantastic]
johnny canuck: Cat (d-uh)
[yeah that's sort of what i thought everyone would pick... *laughs*]
natalia: A big cat. And I don't mean Garfield. I mean a lioness. Why? You are into movement and lions move gracefully. And yet, they are strong in body and mind.
[mmm love your reasoning, and really y'all are making me feel really good about myself]

7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you

matt vella: when are you coming to visit? :)
[poor dude, maybe if pilates on tour or the pma conference happens in your town?]
huneeb: What made you dump the last boy? There wasn't much talk of that, I assume since he was a reader...I am totally prying and you don't have to answer that.
[i didn't miss him when he wasn't there]
jmai: You always talk about the accident but I don't know the details.
[i wrote a post about it for you called ten months]
pile: What's holding you back, really, from seeing yourself as a fabulous person?
[i don't know babe, but i'm getting better at it? or at least i'm trying to]
terry: will you ever tell the story of your accident? or is that just too painful?
[it's not painful at all, just stupid]
johnny canuck: When you recently got back up on, uh, that 'bike' after so many years...was it just like riding a bike?

:)
[it was better]
natalia: I am with Jen...did you ever blog about the accident?
[not until y'all asked me to]


and that's it, some of these replies, especially the challenges have sent me down new paths, and again i'll happily do this for anyone that asks but y'all have to do it back, it's only fair.

blue glow

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i had this strange experience last night when othercat and i were going to pick pj up at the airport. at first it was really innocuous, it was just this car with a family in it but it wasn't right somehow.

well i'm sure it was fine if you're them, but all i could see was this creepy blue glow in the backseat as the kids stared enraptured at the screens strapped to the seatbacks in front of them.

i got this sudden mental movie of ghostly hands playing arpeggios on these children's brains through their staring eyes as their consciousnesses were distracted from this invasion by something innocuous like barney. i would have said mr. dressup but i don't think that show is capable of being evil.

i mean really, it has a tickle trunk.

they were silent and unmoving and i can't swear that their blink reflex was on and suddenly the matrix and it's ilk don't seem so far fetched after all. just what *are* we programming the children for these days?

it's easy to figure out what we're programming the middle eastern children for. hatred and violence to keep the machine turning and the money flowing. i guess the ones here are being taught to hate them, and i see it working but not as well. there is too long a history of different races being hated in this part of the world. or i self select for sane people.

yeah that's probably it.

okay in reality the kids here are being taught that their way is the right way and that they need to be patriotic and to defend their country. not to mention that it's unpatriotic to ask questions. volunteer! volunteer so we don't have to draft! please! the draft will get the people marching on washington... better to indoctrinate the children instead.

if i were a higher technology and i wished to invade this place i would find a way to do it in the water or through the media. very few people manage to remain out of range of media these days after all.

even folks without televisions know what survivor is and you can't walk down a main street of any large city without giant screens overhead blaring their ads for mascara, scientology and the latest hollywood epic piece of trash.

*unheard whispers* consume consume consume consume

now go and consume some more.

the older i get the more grateful i become that my parents didn't get cable until i was in my teens and the happier i am to be from a town where off air was tv ontario, french tv, cbc and one other channel (ctv i think). of those four two and often the third are primarily concerned with education and the like.

although i fall in love with television regularly (emily, lorelai and rory gilmore anyone?) i was actually able to cancel my cable last summer and i do not find myself missing it in particular. there are a few shows that i miss but they are all available to rent on dvd or to purchase. i may have to get netflix only because my local store doesn't have a few of them but nonetheless i don't really care. [also they didn't turn off the basic cable so i still get about six of the shows i like... for now]

i would like to see last season of grey's anatomy but if i never do i don't care. this is such a lovely change and is, i believe, only possible because i spent my childhood and my college years without television.

i only really got addicted when i was living on a farm in the country with satellite. now contrast that with these children sitting in their CAR and watching tv. not watching scenery or the world around them, oh no, watching television instead.

how can you teach your children the truth of the world around them if they never see it?

and even if you're one of the people that never learned to see it yourself? considering the things that are happening in the world these days it seems unwise not to open your eyes and look out the window and then think about what you see.

it's like getting all your news from one channel, where do you find the balance? [part of why i'm so upset that al-jazeera was denied by the crtc, unfortunately their complaints process is unfathomable] i recall once coming home after reading an article in the toronto star and spouting off at dinner.

i knew everything, i mean i had read one article, that was enough for a solid opinion after all. so yeah off a spouting i go and my dad sort of looks at me and says 'have you considered...?' and i go no and then he asks me about something else and points out a couple of things the writer did that demonstrated his personal bias and i sort of get smaller and smaller in my chair but i learned. when they tell you not to believe everything you read? they mean it.

take the following headline for example "the israeli army clashed with hezbullah militants today over..."

interestingly their bias is sitting there and staring at you and you may or may not have noticed it. see how they've told you who the good guys are? i mean it's an army, they have to be more respectable than a bunch of militants after all.

has anyone asked them? i'm thinking they consider themselves an army as well...

please note that i do not take sides in this conflict, i think everyone is wrong and i'm still inclined to believe that in any long running dispute both sides are equally at fault. however, the radio and the media are taking clear sides and swaying world opinion to that same side.

hell the fucking canadian government is taking sides those bastards. i need to write to my mp but there's no point because he's a liberal and the government isn't. i'm heartbroken over this, i feel that canada has lost an essential thing now that will never come back.

our neutrality. our reputation as peace brokers and keepers of the world.

i only pray that we can get it back.
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wow, i had no idea that post was going there.

i'm going climbing, my abs are still sore from that fucking evilly awesome workshop on sunday (shari berkowitz - advanced reformer on the mat) and they need to work out at this point.

i haven't been in so long my nails are clicking on the keyboard right now.

*contented smile*

you guys are funny, it says in the comments that i'm going to seattle. that said, i had EVERY intention of writing an airport post but those pirates wanted 21 dollars an hour for the internet. and somehow? after that? i just never found a terminal.

and you know? i love y'all but this was a shoestring vacation for me.

somehow with the exception of seven bucks for a book, airport food, two public transit trips, one cab (FORTY FIVE BUCKS!!!), four nights in hotels at under sixty bucks per (plus tax) and one round trip airfare to seattle i managed not to spend any money this weekend. [the cab went on the credit card but the rest? LEFTOVER money from when i went to visit lsd! i know!]

i know!

these people are so incredibly generous, they gave me a shirt and a magic circle and fed me all weekend (the conference includes breakfast and lunch which is awesome) at lovely restaurants with great company and any kind of booze that we wanted and it was all just so random.

take saturday for example, i wander down the stairs behind a couple of them and into the bar (because as they head into it i think to myself 'self, have a drink, it's been a looong day') and of course i say something like 'is this a private party or can anyone crash' and they welcome me with their usual open arms.

well, two led to four led to ten and now we're on the patio having food fights with nuts and having a few drinks apiece. eventually my lil ol' bladder gives up the ghost so i head to the ladies. i get back from there and the entire group has disbanded and a couple are in the lobby and that's all i know. so i grab my bag and head out and get 'come on' as k walks by me.

and that's how i end up across the street on like the forty millionth floor looking out at mount rainier at sunset with nine really happy people and delicious food. and none of us got sloshed, i mean we weren't sober but we were just happy and high on life you know [i think i had five drinks in six hours and i was one of the heavies]? anyhoo we head back and split up and i ended up at some bar called 'rock bottom' shaking my ass with a bunch of the staff.

god it was great.

but you know? none of that was planned, you just end up working all day with people you really like and you end up continuing to hang out. it was so weird y'all, these people i have SO much respect for are so happy to see me that they hug me hello and tell me how delighted they are that i'm there and they've met me only a handful of times.

i'm sort of stunned.

it never occured to me that they might respect me back. one of the organizers told me her pilates story and she said something i really liked. "i knew that i had found my people" and that's just it. i found my people.

this community is amazing. sure it has it's issues just like anyone else's does but under that is genuine respect for each other. sure teacher a has a different method than teacher c but they really seem willing to respect each other anyway.

that's pretty cool.

i mean i was sort of feeling like i was taking advantage of them and then she's all 'oh you were awesome, do this anytime you want to thanks so much and...' which i guess means it was a fair trade huh? *laughs*

i know, y'all are dying to hear what happened when i met bubbles aren't you? well let me tell you the most important thing right up front. there are no pictures.

hah i bet i know what half of you just assumed.

we didn't get sloshed either; we were giddy and silly and we did torture a couple of lovely young things but you know, all in all it was two girls being girls and that's all y'all need to know.

oh that and that emma rocks. she's even more scatterbrained than i am but she rocks.

*hugs babe, no worries*

i think it's possible that i got 24 hours sleep since wednesday so i confess that i don't believe that this will be one of my better posts.

there's only one problem with these conferences y'all. they make me want to move to california about fifty times more every time i do one of them. i met MORE amazing teachers from california.

again.

not that i didn't meet awesome teachers from other places as well, there's just so many of them there and also, seemingly some fairly open job opportunitities for people interested in rehabilitation.

this is good stuff.

it's funny how random it was, the workshop i most enjoyed was the one i least wanted to attend. in fact? my abs are still sore if i laugh more than thirty hours later.

yeah, it was nasty and SO GOOD!

i haven't been working my clients hard enough, too much old lady and not enough vigour. i mean obviously i'm not going to throw them into advanced matwork routines when their backs are screwy but i think i may need to up the challenge level just a little.

i mean my ass seized up at dinner! and you know what else? my understanding of the reformer exercises just got changed forever. not to mention some great new ideas for mat classes!

life is good and i am refreshed. apparently there's camping labour day and a cottage the weekend after that and i MAY be ready to face the winter.

thanks for worrying y'all, and i'm sorry you were worried. but do you like my birthday gift to myself via my parents or what? (in other words... 'can i have some money to go to seattle for my birthday in lieu of a gift on my birthday please?')

[and then i got home and the book i wanted the MOST was waiting for me! AND there's another package to come! lividviv? i fucking love my present by the way.]

god i have to sleep.

whoville

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regarding my birthday and then my post.

it was lovely. thursday night was the tennis and then on friday night mg and i went climbing and out for dinner. i had a BEER! it was the first beer and it made me slightly queasy, but i liked it nonetheless.

saturday i got up and hit rr's class and then othercat picked me up, i stopped and bought a panini and we headed north with the top down. we stopped for pies and for beer and for salad and chips and we arrived in tinytown ontario around half past four. i set up my tent in the shade and we made our beds and then beer started.

i didn't drink much in the long run but oh boy did i eat. i grazed for hours and hours and hours and we sat around and hung out and everyone was really excellent and funny. there were only maybe 20 people that showed up all told but the ones who did were wonderful. and just the right people.

funny how that works.

anyway i saw a few meteors and passed out around three am and then in the morning? horrors! i had fucked it up and my tent was in the sun and i was overheated! yeah that was the worst thing that happened to me that day.

and i got up and coffee was made and more excellent food appeared and then i got to go and PICK WHATEVER I WANTED IN THE GARDEN! ahhh *bliss*

and then do you know what we did? we went to southampton and i went swimming (BRIEFLY!) in lake huron and then i baked in the sun in my bikini. first time this year. in a couple of years? god it was great.

somewhere around five othercat and i packed up our crap and headed out and we cruised home past dairy queen and arrived in time to have dinner with hubris.

yes, it was a perfectly spectacular weekend, thanks for asking!

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so i'm grooving on my new CD from othercat [us3 - on ordinary day in an unusual place] and hubris is working on my logo and i'm thinking about something that was said to me this weekend.

you are who you choose to be, you are who you think you are and you are who you say you are.

sit on those words for a minute. take a few deep breaths. feel your lungs inflate into the back of your chair as you inhale and your ribs fall as you exhale. do that a couple of times.

so if you say 'oh i'm so ditzy' then you ARE so ditzy. it doesn't matter if you have the brain of a rocket scientist and the degree to match. if you call yourself a ditz you're a ditz. you can't help it, you'll act like one. you think of yourself as a person who is described as a ditz, you self describe that way and thus you choose to be a ditz.

i've been thinking about a lot of the things that i say about myself and what those things actually mean. do i say them because i think that they're true or because i believe that they will make my life easier?

and since i'm a shapeshifter what does that mean in terms of my identity?

see that there how i labelled myself? how i'm accepting and expecting that statement to be true? anyway i self describe as a lot of things in a lot of places and while all of those things are true to some extent none of them really describe me.

but then how do you describe something you are? isn't that as crazy as trying to put movement or music into words? trying to paint pictures of love? trying to understand cats?

when i say that i lack confidence does that mean that i bring that to myself? that the only thing keeping me from seeing myself as fabulous is that i don't THINK that i see myself as fabulous? how are my preconceived notions of who i am affecting my day to day life?

does my willingness to believe that i'm bad with men MAKE me bad with men? what if i just decide to call myself a bombshell? walk around like i expect men to do things like they used to in those old impulse body spray commercials? [woman walks by man who goes nuts and snags flowers from a vendor and chases woman until he gasps something and hands her flowers through subway doors/falling up a flight of stairs/or whatever]

if i build it will they come?

what if i decide that i like studying? or that i like a clean house? or britney spears?

*shudder*

okay i feel sorry for her but i'm not sure i could like her. [from seeing her show, we seem to worry about entirely different things...]

okay or... revolutionary thought... what if i decide that i don't suffer from pms aka pre menstrual bitch syndrome? okay good luck with that one.

anyway, when you tell people about yourself you are placing yourself in boxes in their brains but you are also putting yourself in a box in your own brain. i think some people end up making themselves into entirely different people depending on who they're with. well i know some people do because i used to be one of them.

i've been striving to be sane around people for a long time, i expect i'll manage it on my deathbed or something. i've also been working not to become someone else in groups ever since i realised that i did it. i'm a lot better at it now but i have lost some of my centre of attention talent in the doing of it. it's funny what you give up sometimes when you're looking in another direction.

i was once a natural flirt who was good in groups and now i'm uncomfortable in groups and forget how to flirt. i'm also not standing in the middle of the loud group in the middle of the party and being the loudest anymore so i can't say i'm offended by the change.

but still, why did i have to give up being a natural flirt to become more calm and grounded? can't the one stay while developing the other? what if i start to describe myself that way? how about if i just remember that it's a skill i used to have? regardless of my current word choices i did lose that talent to a great extent as i became more introspective.

i'll find myself in groups at a gathering and have no idea how to make small talk, i'll catch myself telling some inane story because i'm so uncomfortable and i can't think of any questions to ask that aren't intrusive [plus i saw that comedian on valentine's day who said, as we exited the venue, "at least i'm not on a date with one of those chicks who asks a million questions" and everyone laughed. and i said to my companion 'i'm one of those chicks' and that sort of whigged me a little. is it wrong to ask questions on a date? and here i thought it was called getting to know you. stupid uncomfortable silences] and no one else is saying a word and i miss the girl who could charm the pants off anyone at a party.

or maybe she never could but she only believed she could. ha ha ha i wonder which it is!

i've really been noticing over the last few years that i am consistently not acting like i expect myself to act and thus i've been realigning my expectations for myself. and then? yeah i go and change some more.

damm life being all about change and stuff. if i can't even know who *i* am then how in hell is anyone supposed to get to know anyone else?

ace

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wow that was weird.

i ate food and digested it and everything and it's strange.

i feel sort of tired and draggy in a strange way, almost like the digestion process is really hard and tiring for my body. it's also sort of clinging to the lemon drink while craving bread and carbs.

really weird stuff.

i think, other than the first two days with the emotional weirdness that today has been the strangest day of fasting and technically it doesn't count. i ate food today. vegetable soup that i made myself by randomly tossing shit in water and adding water whenever there was too much shit. god i made a lot of soup. when it's cold i'm putting half of it in the freezer.

i've been alternately high and dragged out all day. plus there were portions of today that i just wasn't in. i was there, i sort of know what happened but i was zoned in to some place that was else. almost how you are when you're a little drunk and a lot lot lot exhausted and people are talking about sports or computers or climbing or something else nerdy that you just don't give a fuck about.

except that i was actually just not there, the topic at hand was irrelevant.

it's too bad that i wasn't there because i was having a really nice day.

i had one client this morning and then i went off to the big carrot to get all sorts of organic veg for my soup and a beautiful man smiled at me appreciatively and off i went home to make soup and then mg came to pick me up. off we went to the climbing gym before dashing to her house for showers and changing into skirts and then?

and then?

oh man you'll never guess. she had gotten tickets with a coworker to see roger federer play at the rogers cup and she knew i wanted to go so she got me one too! i saw professional tennis! LIVE!!!

i've been watching tennis on television possibly for longer than i've been watching hockey. i'm not sure, i got one sport each from my parents and tennis is my mom. my dream is to attend the US Open and just hang out for two weeks and watch tennis. irony is that i know i'm poor so i only dream until the quarter finals and then i watch on tv and play in new york city.

funny that i have a reality based fantasy life. probably a large part of my problem.

this has been one of my dream vacations for years. to just wander and get to watch all the OTHER matches. the ones i want to see but don't because some number two seed is trouncing the number 7,325 seed. i want to see sixteen vs twenty two, that's significantly more likely to be interesting. drives me nuts on tv, they'll comment on something and go 'they're in a tie break over here' and they'll stay on this deadly boring game where someone is winning 6-2 6-1 3-0 instead of letting me watch the tie break.

drives me nuts.

i want to see the tennis, i don't care who's playing it.

anyway so federer won of course but i did have the singular pleasure of watching him lose a set. probably the only set he's lost this year to anyone but nadal. this was awesome because we got three sets instead of two.

tragically the third set was pathetic. federer came out looking for the match and upped his play but the other guy sort of like knew he was going to do it and quit in advance. he was hardly there in the third.

i hate that, the game isn't over until it's over, you won a set, snap out of it and TRY!

he'll still lose but at least he'll be proud of himself.

i did have a moment of weakness, the other two ladies got sandwiches and potato salad and even though dairy is strictly verboten i had ONE piece. mmmm it was so delicious... and i can still taste it and my tummy is like 'dude? you're getting away with that because i'm in a good mood but seriously? don't do that again or you will pay.'

so yeah, no dairy until like sunday or something. and i've decided that beer is the most intelligent thing to drink on my birthday. see wine is hard on the head and it's sort of sharp and i think won't sit well on baby stomach. liquor? aka irish whiskey? does that seem wise four days out of a fast?

but the egyptians (and and and) used to have beer for lunch in hot weather. it was considered food... now of course it had less alcohol in it than our beer but still, beer is food for when it's too hot to eat. seems like it's good for a baby tummy too.

so beer it is. damm i'm stoked about this shindig, i don't have to work sunday and since the class is cancelled for the summer i have like six sundays off in a row. it's heaven on earth i tell you. i have to chuck this class soon.

or maybe just cancel it every summer... hrm.

i want to ski though. we'll see what the finance fairy brings by november.

i think i'm about done with the fast reports now. i'm back on food although i have to be careful about it and i'll give a weekend update when i get back from leofest that will include fast mention if it's relevant but otherwise i think it's exhausted.

my overall sentiment is that it was a very positive experience and that i will definetely do it again. i also learned a lot about how to do it better next time. i know how many lemons i will actually go through and how much maple syrup.

i know how much cayenne pepper to use and that mason jars really are the shit for putting the drink in. i know that the drink weans itself as the food comes back into your diet and that juice bar orange juice is just as good as the kind you make yourself ... but it costs about a third again as much.

the neatest thing i know is what a pump or a motor feels like when it gets primed. the orange juice sort of got everything sparking and then the soup starts it working with stuff that's not overly hard to eat. and damm did i slurp that shit up!

i just wish i could explain the feeling of thirty feet of intestine slowly starting to snap out of hibernation. i see why it takes three to five days to properly break a fast now. in fact next time i'll take it slower.

i'll have to, i will have fasted longer also.

you guys? i saw roger federer play tennis! and since agassi wasn't here? that was as good as it was going to get at the rogers cup this year. whee! you can't believe how fast the serve is in real life, especially the ace. it's on the ground before the racket finishes swinging.

yay the us open is coming!

break break break

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okay here goes.

*wanders off to kitchen and juices an orange*

holy fuck it takes a whole orange to get four ounces of juice? i should have bought a bag full!

*adds water to juice*

*takes sip*

*hangs out with tummy for a bit*

well let's see what happens as i take in my first calories in six days. well my first non-fast drink type of calories. this has been a very strange and excellent experience and i'm actually sorry that i'm not doing it for longer.

however, i want to drink beer on my birthday and i need at least four days to break this fast. it's strange that it's with orange juice which is something that my tummy traditionally dislikes and that it seems to be going down okay right now.

that said? it's taken me nearly an hour to drink this glass of juice and i won't have another one for at least a couple of hours. i do feel it sort of warming the pipes though. it's almost like my tongue and my digestive system are tingly or something.

i see why they pick orange juice. it's sharp and tangy but easy to water down and it feels like it's priming the pump inside me. damm y'all it's got me kind of high.
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then i had to go and ruin it by going to do my license renewal. in the afternoon.

yeah, what the hell was i thinking, next time do it in the morning!!

but i'm all legal and paid for to drive for another year so i guess i can't bitch too much.
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okay so now it's ten hours since i had that first glass of juice and i am now drinking a third glass. i've been steadily adding more pulp to the mix all day and it's really tasting good now.

what i find most odd is that the orange juice really isn't making me more hungry. i was expecting that the hardest part would be the day while i drink juice but still can't actually have any food. i thought i would be starving all day.

nope, i think the acidity in the oj is actually keeping the urge not to eat going the same way the lemon juice did. so weird.

i'm really glad that i did this and in fact i'm wishing that i had done it for longer and started it tuesday morning instead of thursday afternoon. that way i would have done eight days instead of six. ah well, next time.

this is probably the first thing i've ever done where i felt like y'all wanted an actual report.

the weirdest part for me is either that it's really so easy to do or that your moods really do change each day and different things come to the forefront. y'all know about saturday and my ragefest and that was definetely the worst, but the hopeless despair on sunday sucked too.

what's interesting is that i read a website that says that this will continue to happen because your body is flushing toxins and that you just drink more fluid and make sure to move your bowels at least three times a day and this will pass easily.

well for me it's even better, once i got the freaking plumbing working (aka sucked it up and drank the laxative tea) my mood was happy and cheerful and i didn't have any headaches.

before i got the plumbing working correctly? oh my god. i had a headache bad enough to flatten a quarterback and i was ragingly mad or depressed or basically not on an even emotional keel. i mean we're talking night and day, the last three days have been lovely.

saturday and sunday? pretty shitty.

the headache i had on the weekend did give me one clue though, next time? quit caffeine at least a week or even ten days before you start a fast because holy fuck the withdrawl headaches suck. and you can't fix them with food and sugar like you can when you're eating.

boo yeah caffeine headaches combined with toxins and not shitting? bad stuff let me tell you.

so tomorrow i have more lemon drink and more juice and then i can have vegetable soup for late lunch or dinner. i'll decide based on how a cup of the soup broth goes down at lunch. i'm currently wandering the web looking for soup recipes that go with:

In the evening make a vegetable broth (no canned soup). Use seasonal leafy and root vegetables such as: beets and beet tops, turnips and turnip greens, kale, carrots, onions, parsley, celery, potatoes, okra, one or two inds of legumes, squash, beans, a little salt, cayenne pepper and dehydrated vegetables or veg. powder may be added for flavor (no MSG or hydrolyzed protein).
Cook lightly. Drink the broth, eating only a few bites of the vegetables.

make a vegetable broth? how much water? how many carrots? how long is lightly? how on earth do squash and celery cook for the same amound of time? what the fuck? i hate not having a recipe. any home cooks out there have some tips for me? it's looking like about 8 cups of water to however much of whichever veg i feel like using...

and re the legumes? which ones do y'all think would go well in that crazy mix? i was just going to get some peas or something but it's tough.

*grumble* not making this easy are they?

seriously i don't make soup, if anyone has advice before noon on thursday i WANT IT! :)

hey tomorrow is thursday... that means if i go wandering the web right now i'll find a bunch of half naked peole. sorry i got nothing but my computer died and i'm on the old slow one with no pics. :)

oh wait... here's one of me as a baby... okay toddler

those colours are real.

i know, hard to believe :)

drops in a bucket

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click on that link, gwan, go... it's a lovely and short little blog entry about why we blog and it reflects my personal philosophy quite nicely.
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i have been reading wil wheaton's blog and it's really good. this is a little tragic because the character he played on st:tng drove me up the wall with rage at his total irritatingness.

i have no actual beef with mr. wheaton of course but you have to know that some feelings had rubbed off. anyway after i overcame by revulsion at reading 'wesley's' blog (three seconds okay?) i realised that i was in fact reading wil's blog and that wil is quite the writer. also an avid poker player which interests me less but nonetheless. also thirty, married and has kids.

i know. imagine it, wesley is all grown up and he isn't lame. he is a total dork but that's all right, so is everyone else i like.

go, go read some. it's fun.
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my fast is entering it's hrm. which day is it. i started around noon on thursday... so tomorrow at noon it will be five full days since i started drinking lemonade rather than eating food. saturday was definetely anger day. sunday was some kind of weird hopelessness day and today wasn't really anything but introspective.

well i started the day wanting to weep with grief because today they started on the fence at nine am instead of ten am. on the monday. of. a. long. weekend. for the love of all that's sacred. and then i did some raging at the owner and property manager [at least the fence and lights are now done and there will be no more fucking against my window (the drilling into the brick four feet above my head was the worst)] and then i snoozed through it for an hour or two and then got up and went climbing.

man i'm weak but strong. it's really weird. like no endurance at all, went to do laps on a five seven and got partway down the second lap and just died. and it's a short five seven too. i did do some all right climbing today but not as nice as yesterday. yesterday i climbed everything i touched.

for the hour i was there.

anyway then i taught for a couple of hours and i do seem to be able to teach while fasting (i'll poll my students next week to see what they think) and then i came home to hang out with othercat. there wasn't really any sort of overwhelming emotion of the day today, it was more just quiet and not talking much and feeling like staring at walls.

by the way, if you decide to fast? they mean it about the laxative tea and the salt water flush. you'll shut down otherwise. i did the first two days without as an experiment and no no no. unfortunately the salt water gizmo doesn't work for me so i'll have to just drink the tea morning and evening.

a little unfortunate as the flush is predictable in it's timing and the tea isn't and well, it's hard to run out of class because your bottom is having a moment.

you're thinking tmi aren't you? well suck it up, if i was describing the head of a penis you'd be enraptured. you would seriously.

look i'll just say penis again.
penis.
penis.
penis.

see? :P
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i have been thinking about my blog lately and i'm not sure how i feel about it these days. i'm definetely in love with it but i've also allowed myself to get dragged into the swirling waters of the online soap operas and i so know better than this.

this is forcing me to think about which blogs i read and why and which voices i want entering my head. it's gotten me considering just how much of my own personal self i want to invest online and it's got me remembering other times i fell into the online world and barely made it out again.

fortunately my body likes to go play on walls so i will leave the house regardless, but i just sometimes wonder if this blog has taken on too much importance in my life. do i care too much? am i reading too many blogs? why am i not getting things done that i want and need to get done?

i suspect this thing has something to do with it and i wonder sometimes if i should really do it. but then i think about the book i want to write and how much better my writing is than it was two years ago and i don't know. is this considered practise?

i know that i need to do it. but i wonder sometimes if i should scale back on the everyone else. but god you're all so much fun to have around! i would miss reading about what's up in your lives if i stopped reading.

t'is a vicious cirlce t'is. i do think that i've done a decent job of surfing that in the last year which is a nice change from my old irc days anyway.

one of the things that i did learn a little more about because of all this introspection was my reason for blogging. i've realised that it's twofold. the easy answer is that this thing is my own personal shrink. the harder one is that if, as seems to be my of course unpredictable fate, i'm not having babies i want to tell someone the things that i learn. i want someone out there to read the things that i find out and get a moment of awe or inspiration or wonder or even just interest.

hell even if all i do is make you look up floccinihilipilification so you can understand that i love that word because it truly is it's own definition. *looks it up to check her spelling* oh crap you'll never find it. let me see if i can remember the definition... archaic meaning small or irrelevant. generally used as an example of one of the longest words in the english language. basically.

whatever, if i can get people thinking and looking around corners and wondering just a bit what the motive behind the story was then i've done something useful. i've helped somehow. i don't have a lot of resources but i can type fast and get people thinking.

but maybe i need to get that happening with things that are closer to mattering. things like what's happening in the middle east. a conflict that i understand enough to see the tragedy of and not more. a conflict that makes me want to incite people to march to parliament hill with signs while chanting one two three four we don't need your fucking war!

i want people with bullhorns to appear from the sixties to excite us to give enough of a shit to make it stop. i want people to raise their children to love each other and want each other and share knowledge with each other. i want their kids to have open minds and hearts and willingness to see the other side of things. i want them to believe that their way isn't the only way and that different is okay.

that different is essential to our well being as a species.

and i believe, desperately, that simply by being a rational voice in the wilderness that i can help that to happen. and i feel like an egotistical twat for saying it, but nonetheless, this blog feels like my little piece of spreading the joy and diminishing the misery.

and i really think that that's important, even if i can't afford the time. and from the number of people who have told me that my honesty or my openness or whatever has inspired them? it seems like i'm right. i mean that's some heavy responsibility right there.

it feels important. if we could all just be nicer to each other and learn to share...

anyone got a bullhorn?

anger management

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i started this post yesterday... and i'm finishing it today and i just need anyone i might have talked with yesterday to get that the first part was BEFORE and then it goes into the AFTER. and as a total aside i would just like to shout out to whomever thought that ten am of the sunday of a long weekend was an appropriate time to build a fence outside my window.

because yeah, not so much and there goes my one day to sleep in for weeks (okay two, i get another chance tomorrow and i have in fact left a voice mail for the property manager to complain)

ten am. jesus fucking christ.
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so.

i take a wander around my regular blog circle pretty much every day. when i have a little more time i wander the blogs that don't update very often and when i have more time than that i wander the new ones i'm getting to know and the really sporadic ones and finally, if it's a long weekend and i have no plans i wander the next blog button.

so sometimes i don't notice things right away. because you know, if y'all update once a month i don't check you that often and so if i miss blogroll telling me you updated i don't see it for a while. and sometimes (like right now) it takes me a while to catch up from the two week frenzy surrounding something like hillside.

thus it took me a while to notice that i'm getting delinked lately. hell i got delinked on a blog where i'm the most regular commenter.

and yes, if you're wondering? it does feel like a slap in the face. it's extra funny to add people only to find yourself unlinked. i don't know why it feels like a slap in the face but it really does.

i shouldn't be offended, i shouldn't let my need for acclaim get the better of me, i shouldn't take online forums personally, i shouldn't just get hurt and slink away rather than saying something, i shouldn't care.

i get that.

i also get that the word should is horrible and laced with guilt and tends to make people feel so bad about things that they still don't do whatever it is they need to get done. instead they just pile more guilt weight on to something. which is sort of why i used it in this context, i'm using a word i shoulnd't use to describe how i shouldn't feel.

there's no power in the word should, only guilt. could, would, might, may, can, will all have power in them. but should, it just piles on the guilt and leaves you feeling worse than you were. there just isn't any goodness there.

so should is a shitty word.
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at this point i made the mistake of sending email about my feelings regarding a certain post that a certain lady i've known through blogger for at least a year had posted. that she had taken down my link at the same time as she wrote the post (or at least close enough that i saw them together) made me feel it about three times as strongly as i might otherwise have done.

and i'm fasting. and the thing with fasting is that one of the things it does is cleanse your mind.

and i had it in my head that 'cleanse your mind' was all sweetness and light. that it would help me find direction and some sort of like higher peace or whatever. seriously y'all picture like hearts and flowers and little twinkling stars of happy cleansing.

yeah.

now anyone who has ever cleansed a nasty, dirty wound can tell you that cleansing isn't like that in the slightest, in fact it's the opposite. when you clean a festering sore it hurts and it bubbles and it keeps oozing grossness long past the point where you think your body can make such ickyness.

and somehow in spite of all my first aid training i didn't think about the alternate possibilities inherent in the word cleanse. i just thought about how clean and shiny everything would be when it was done.

i forgot about the scrubbing.

and yesterday? the scrubbing hit me over the head with a vengeance.

in addition to taking a class from the goddess where she focused on a kind of movement that is almost impossible for me i also had an altercation with a landlord that left me reeling in bafflement. there i was checking out the water pressure and dude kicked me out and told me to stop wasting his time.

weird because i liked the place. anyway because my roommate wasn't there he considered it a waste of time and i was thus useless to him. baffling. turns out he doesn't let his applications out of his sight and i hadn't realised that. nor had he told me.

anyway that left me muttering and stunned directly upon arriving home to blogland and my little discoveries.

i do think that an intense level three mat class was a tough call on a fasting day, especially hour forty eight where it's just hitting my body that i'm really not going to feed it for days.

anyway rr worked our back ribs and thoracic spines and various other spots i have trouble with and i was high repeatedly through the class and had to collapse after like four reps of some things.

in case y'all don't know this people and women especially carry their emotional memories in their bodies and my body is locked in exactly the places that we worked yesterday so i'm certain that with those endorphin rushes came some release of other chemicals as well.

in fact right about when i got home to blogland is when that shit was hitting the hardest and i was RAGING you guys. i mean raging in a way that makes me flinch and wrinkly in my brow today to think about. raging like stunned at the depth of my own anger. raging like i don't even really get where that stuff comes from.

although the little flashes in my tummy as i type this gives me a hint that i'm going to find out in the next few days. i know that i have a lot of left over bull shit from my accident that i haven't really lanced and what i guess i didn't realise was how much anger i was still forming.

what am i so mad about? why am i feeling so unhappy and unfulfilled? these and other questions brought to you by sassfast 2006.

and to the lady i emailed yesterday when i really should have been curled up on my bed with my own brain? i'm really sorry.

most lions roar, but some whimper

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i don't usually do this sort of thing because i always feel that if you say something like:

"*dance of glee*

*dance of glee*

*dance of glee*

my birthday is in nine days!"

you're asking for presents somehow. and i'm not. i don't mind presents or object to them or anything, in fact i quite like them... but that's not what i'm talking about. i just love my birthday because with very few exceptions it has always proven to be a special day.

not always easy, but nearly always special.

take this year for example, there's a camping party at my friend six's place and my band is PLAYING IT! wheeee!

i mean what's not to love right? there will be partying and music and lots of people i love and a whole host of other leos to celebrate with. seriously one year there was like eight of us! this year there will be four for sure and after that i don't know who else is coming.

this is a strange birthday for me as you all know because i'm giving up old dreams and moving on with my life. lovely stuff and all but it's hard.

it is also, interestingly enough, opening me up to many more possibilities than i had noticed before. i see things in life that i wasn't seeing because i had gotten focused on a goal. i've realised, for example, that other than some people and clients that i love there is nothing holding me here and that here doesn't make me that happy anymore.

.i've realised that i might actually want to move to europe or to australia and that really about two years from now is the time to do it
.i see that i'm settling into this life without necessarily choosing it
.i've noticed that i am often unhappy
.i lack fulfilment
.i'm getting stagnant
.i feel my life is passing me by (sam roberts)
.i need challenge for my spirit
.i seek inspiration
.

this happens to me every year around the end of summer and i don't know if it's my birthday that brings it or the coming fall season. i know that it's pretty regular and i think it's a symptom of coming fall but i'm certain that birthdays exacerbate it.

the other night the moon was hanging fat and low and you could see it was only going to get redder and fatter and somehow i think it reminded my body that it's coming up on harvest time. where does it come from this drive to reflect on our lives and look for growth?

do people who live at the equator do this every year too? is it hard wired into our dna?

personally i don't actually think so, i feel that it comes from our northern (or way south of course) weather and that the idea of harvest and lying fallow and renewal and rebirth is very much a part of our blood but because we're from here and not because it's hard wired into people.

i wonder if this affects people in costa rica and i suspect that it doesn't (in san jose the temperature is within five degrees of itself all year long) or that if it does it's not to the same extent. lsd once said that one of the things he didn't like about florida was that there weren't any rain days for getting all introverted and introspective on.

when i asked him if the natives noticed the lack he said that he didn't think so and that he thought this to be a particularly northeastern phenomenon. i don't know that i would limit it to this area but i definetely feel that the rhythms here suit me.

or maybe i suit them?

they grew me after all.

anyway it's my birthday and i'm reflecting. if i'm lucky i will reflect enough that on my actual birthday i'll party instead of staring at a wall. in fact i'm helping this along with a cleansing fast.

we won't mention how badly i'm craving ice cream and it's only my first day.

i will mention that i'm really enjoying the drink even though it sounds like the most repulsive thing ever and that unlike most of the food i've eaten lately it actually tastes good to my body. weird, but good.

see i've been planning this fast for something like a year and months ago i had decided to do it when i finished my july menstrual cycle. unfortunately this coincided with two dinners at my parents place and then hillside was coming and i didn't want to be recovering from fasting while i was at a festival in a heatwave.

i know, shock.

so i decided to start yesterday. i failed at that but i did start today so i'll call it success.

what's interesting is that my body seems to have known this was coming and been anticipating it. for a few weeks now food hasn't been tasting very good and i've been having a hard time forcing myself to eat.

of course i know that the heat is involved in my total lack of interest in food, as is the continuous ridiculous amounts of abdominal work i do to my life. i mean man those puppies are tired from rr this morning (special reschedule, long story why) and it makes me feel vaguely nauseous a lot of the time.

but still, i feel like i need to fast. i've been feeling it for a while but i didn't think that i was ready last year. and i wasn't. and frankly? it's a lot easier to fast when it's too fucking hot out to eat.

after my accident i ate a LOT of mcdonald's and the like. like we're talking sometimes eight times a week and stuff. it's repulsive to me to think about it and frankly i don't think i will ever again (or before for that matter) eat like that. nor do i think i will want to. universe i hope not... good christ it frightens me to think about what level of crap would have to hit my personal fan for me to actually do that.

anyway i lived off junk food and things i could make in less than five minutes (remember that it hurt to stand up and i lived with a guy who had a junk food cupboard) for a long time and even after i started pilates i kept eating badly for quite a bit longer.

and i mean bad food.

so i ate a lot of toxins and poisons and things that aren't real food and all sorts of things that tend to clog up your digestion. and ever since then my guts haven't worked as well nor have they smelled as good.

i know that a lot of the dietary changes that i've made will lead to more active digestion but i also feel like i have a pile of bullshit left in my guts that it's time to flush out.

othercat told me once that he read that you have up to ten pounds of crap just sitting in your intestines. ten pounds. that's fucked up.

so the surprisingly good drink is made of fresh squeezed lemon juice, dark maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water. i know it sounds fucking repulsive doesn't it? i think so too really. and then i tried it. i seriously half thought i wouldn't make it past the first five minutes of fasting. but it works.

it's inexplicable. the sugar in the maple syrup combines with the citrus and the pepper to make you feel strangely well filled. i can't comprehend it. it must be revolting it must!

but it isn't.

course i'll tell you more as it happens. i'm stoked to see how i feel next week.

apparently making food takes a lot of time and fasting frees you up. it will be interesting to see what takes it's place. mostly introspection these days :)

mister not so right

.
wow you guys, i met this guy last weekend who really blew me away ... and then he didn't.

sorry for the whole blowing the ending thing but i didn't want y'all to get excited or something. anyway mister not so right, we'll call him mnsr for short walks into my life in the volunteer/performer/media food area backstage.

and by walks i mean is standing there as i go looking for something and compliments me on my shirt.

nice shirt he says i like how it's all inside out like that
thanks i say, i love it too... it's unfortunate that the seams are fraying and it's practically new
flirt flirt flirt
i head back to my volunteer shift.

then i run into him in the backstage bar and he says something, i really don't remember what and i say that i'm in fact wearing a hot pink tie dyed skirt after all and he says he's sorry but he hadn't made it past my shirt or my eyes yet.

i know, cheesy as hell... and it totally worked.

anyway flirt flirt sass goes back to work and then runs into him on the way back to camping. he decides not to go back to the hotel [which should have been my first clue that he was a musician] and to stay on and camp and ends up hanging out with othercat and hubris and his pal a and i for the rest of the evening.

and we're talking and we're flirting all there's little bits of random touching going on and then he lets us know who he is and it turns out that othercat has his cd. it's actually bitching but i'm not sure that i want to promote it.

but it's really good.

anyway, we all hang out until the crack of dawn and then he's passing out so he heads out and he's still all nice and into me and then he just sort of poof. disappeared.

i mean i saw him again over the course of the weekend but he got less and less happy to see me and by the end of it i wasn't even there to be smiled at if he was five feet away from me.

it was really weird.

some theories abound. they include
.he has a girlfriend and just wants to see what he can get
.someone else knocked his knees out from under him when i wasn't looking
.he actually knows he fucked up but not how to fix it
.he's one of those guys that has a hyper speed relationship in his head and gets all weirded out
.i didn't try to boink him when i found out who he was
.whatever y'all say in the comments

he does have the motherfucking prettiest blue eyes though

you see this would all be fine except that his crap worked and i liked him by the end of the night. i wanted to know him better. heck i was even thinking i wanted to hold his hand.

i know, i'm twelve.

but see i'm twelve, i don't dive into bed with people and i don't play the head games and i don't even really understand them. i miss it when people are messing with me and i don't understand why perfectly nice men act all sparky with me and then disappear off the face of the planet.

if at some point the conversation got boring or we stopped having fun then maybe i would get it but no, i thought it was great. and i feel that with the last couple of events in my life that i can start drawing some conclusions.

unfortunately, it doesn't appear to be getting men's attention that i suck at.

i know, shock.

it's keeping it.

like i have them and then i just seem to weird them out somehow and you know just once i think i would like it if one of them looked at me and said 'dude you're hot and all but your brain is freaky, good luck!' [worse that he mentioned that he liked my oddness? fucking right]

or whatever. why the weird uncomfortable dance of avoidance?

did i get the look in my eyes? is that it? did you think i saw babies with your eyes?

funny that, since i only see other people's babies in my eyes. oh there were so many beautiful men with their families and their children at hillside. there is something that makes me inexplicably happy about seeing happy men playing with their children.

and i know that gabi thinks that those are the wimps but some of them looked pretty manly to me. course eyes lie.

i just don't get it.

i completely understand hitting on a chick to get her to boink you. i totally do. but he didn't do any of that, he didn't try to cop a feel or get me to kiss him behind the tent or anything.

he did touch me gently on my arm and my waist and the small of my back
he did compliment my oddness
he did look into my eyes and smile
he did discuss that he liked me
he did laugh and hang with my friends and i all night
he did have a side conversation going with me at all times

he did things that men do when they like women rather than when they want to fuck them. was i supposed to catch some hint that i missed?

and i get it, i get that you can meet someone and dig on them for a while and then decide that maybe no. i do get it really. but why do they always decide no?

why do you work so hard to get my attention if you don't actually want it? are you just after making it harder for some guy who actually likes me for real? is it fun to find nice women and play them just because you can?

seriously why bother?

ah well mnsr, thanks for another brick in the wall... at least it's only a small one.
----------------
so tempted to email him this post... because yeah, being twelve i still googled him when i got home so now i have his email address if i want it... *sigh*