puff puff puff

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do you ever have moments where you're struck by the ridiculousness that is your *self* and how much it changes?

i had one the other day. i had to get (as y'all are aware) a new windshield for my car. the previous one had cracked from the top down and from the bottom up and though it then stayed stable for a year (the cracks never met) i was concerned the entire time.

too poor to deal you understand... but concerned.

so anyway i think the universe is messing with me. because JUST when i start to think about shoes things happen. seriously the second i decide i can afford shoes i pop a tire.

and then i pop another tire.

and then? yeah new cracks appear in the windshield and these ones are growing. so i talked to my pal EM who hooked me up with a guy who did it for cost and off i went for my new piece of glass.

this is NOT helping my shoe collection one bit!

and that man? the one who did it? such a beautiful man. gorgeous eyes where you can't tell if they're green or brown because they change with the light and a freshly shaven head to go with.

little bit of style with some nice hips, great arms and an awesome ass and what's not to like?

oh my GOD

the man smokes THREE PACKS a fucking day.

three PACKS of cigarettes a fucking DAY!

wow.

total turn off. not like he went from 'heavily dateable' to 'kinda dateable' nope. he went from 'fully dateable' to 'not a chance in hell' because of that one little detail.

Irony? that i smoked at LEAST a pack a day for twelve years.

Further irony? i'm still smoking pot...

but tobacco yeah, i just can't bear to be around it to any extent beyond a smoke or two while drinking. And although i've been interested in social smokers in the five years since i quit smoking i have to say that the act of smoking regularly in your home is a full on deal breaker for me.

why is this funny enough to make me talk about it?

I used to be this guy. I used to smoke and smoke and smoke AND I used to plan my social outings around whether or not i could smoke at the designated venue. I used to wake up at night and have a cigarette. I used to light up when i knew i was exactly 8 minutes from my destination...

i used to get less interested in a man if he DIDN'T smoke because i didn't want to deal with the pressure to quit. Funny though I would say I've dated more non smokers than smokers overall.

So in the five years (okay five years on december 21st) since i quit smoking i've made a complete mental shift such that something that used to matter to me is now something i will not tolerate.

i had a guy once claim that he quit smoking so that i would date him. he made a big hoorah about it and everything. was ridiculous cause after we split he started again and was blaming his life as though i should have just accepted this toxic decision on his part. he in fact got very angry and defensive with me when i pointed out the 'agreement to quit smoking' that he had given me and forced me to witness him sign.

Not to mention? he had offered in this agreement ten bucks for every smoke he smoked. so when i jokingly tried to collect he got enraged.

as though *I* had forced him to quit while we were dating.

i didn't do shit, i just told him i didn't date smokers. he took it from there. how does that make any of it my fault?

anyway, too bad about the beautiful man (interesting to boot) but any spark there might have been got stepped on like one of his 75 cigarette butts per day. Or one of the four butts he consumed in the half hour we chatted.

funny how i changed though. that guy would have been right up my alley five years ago... and now? *shrug*

bupkus.

serendipity

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i feel the stones again... 'you can't always get what you want'

i went off climbing yesterday and i had intentions. which i tossed out the window immediately because of a nebulous sense of 'don't do it' and because someone really cool made it pretty clear that he wanted to climb with me. although at first i thought i was the excuse person for another girl... but i wasn't. i have to think of a nickname better than 'hot climber guy' though. I want to call him butter because that's how people describe the way he moves but that seems sorta lame.

so i did. and we had a great time y'all. this is someone easy to talk to that i can tease and who seems fully willing to tease me and order me about. why is being ordered about fun? you try doing it for a living and see how much you like it if someone does it to you.

two ways a lot or not at all. i'm an a lot. he took it well when i did it to him too which was cool. people who can dish it out but can't take it get a bit wearing after a while.

so we climbed and she chucked us after a bit and frankly if i were her i would have chucked us also. but it was funny. i was trying not to be a third wheel so i would like go work my bouldering problem when it wasn't my turn and i'd get summoned back for 'teaching' and whatever and i think we third wheeled her.

was a lot of fun anyway. [also i really like it when a person remembers previous conversations with you and refers back to them. shows they're interested and paying attention and it's nice. no, i'm not assuming he's after me, just that he finds my company congenial]

and then we sat around with a couple of other climbers and it turns out there's a party saturday and everyone is going. yes, a couple of my imaginary boyfriends are going for sure. screw this making decisions shit, i'ma gonna see what happens instead.

i knew about the party but i thought since i didn't know the hosts that i wasn't invited but they were all looking at me like 'aren't you going?' so i made the 'didn't know i was invited' shrug and they're like 'everyone is invited there's flyers over there' so i'm going.

it should be a lot of fun because the instructions are to wear bedroom clothing with kinky things encouraged.

now y'all have seen my hallowe'en pics and you know what my 'kinky wardrobe' looks like. well parts of it anyway. and i can't do it because this is like professional level kink clothing not just funky lingerie from frederick's of hollywood or something and i just don't think i want to wear this level of kinkwear to a climbing party.

which leaves me my fuzzy blue pyjamas with sheep on them. i think i'll wear a really hot and black tank top underneath and just lose the top or leave it open... maybe a hot coloured bra underneath. *snerk* maybe i'll bring my crop.

opinions welcome of course.

at this point butter (no that doesn't work, need a better nick) started asking me movement questions and i ended up lecturing them about their armpits and how to work their abs and what's a better push up and... it's horrible you guys, you cannot turn off the inner pilates instructor no matter how you try.

it's fine when i go normally because she's sort of dormant but he yanked her out. the funniest was the man with the massive jet lag trying to figure out this weird movement shit i was talking about. so i suggested he ask me when he's awake... course if i was him i'd be afraid of me now. *chuckling*

and then there was some bouldering and we were pretty much the only two people in the part of the gym we were in and he was too tired to climb and i wasn't so i started working some stuff and he had really fucking useful suggestions y'all.

this whole time i thought people were pushing their knee up and twisting to get height but that's not what he does at all. he drops his other leg which forces his knee and hip up and then *boom* just like that you've gone up several feet.

funny thing is that it's harder but so much better. so i found some new sore muscles today. and they are mother fucking sore but i think in the long run i've learned something crucial to my progress.

damm was a good night and a good day today!

thoughts

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so i'm just going to assume that everyone reading this post has read my last few posts... most specifically "ouch" because that post brought up some thoughts and yeah i'm a gonna share them.

you guys make it really hard NOT to be honest.

first of all i stupendously appreciate the outpouring of people telling me that i'm brave and courageous and that i have somehow touched them or made them think.

i especially appreciate the stories people shared in email and comments about how such things had affected them... although i was hoping for more of them because maybe someone else has insight into this crap that i don't have. or a suggestion for how to make the conversation easier for myself and for the man that i have to have the conversation with.

because it is, if nothing else, a bomb. in fact i wrote a poem once... which has disappeared into the annals of usenet now... about this very thing because i had just had the conversation with a very nice man who i then elected not to sleep with. I still don't know why i didn't sleep with him, he was an excellent guy if young and he wasn't particularly put off by my STD.

Ah well, that was like nine or ten years ago now so i'm guessing it doesn't matter.

Anyway i was really surprised at the effect this post actually had on folks. it was both more and less than i expected somehow. hrm that doesn't sound like what i mean...

i did not expect so many people telling me that they admired and respected me all the more than they already had... and i didn't realise how many of you thought i was as awesome as you clearly do. i was surprised at some notable absences from my comments section. i was really suprised at how few of you have experience with sexually transmitted diseases and i was pleasantly surprised at the lack of judgement displayed in the comments.

not to mention? i still can't believe that i posted that!
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just got back from the farm where i spent a fantastic weekend with my sister and her new boyfriend. this is an excellent guy y'all. he's considerate in this really cool and effortless way that speaks to his nature rather than to his trying to impress my sister or myself. i'm pretty sure it's real anyway since he is the same way with everyone. calm, considerate and funny as hell.

not to mention? at least as smart as she is!

don't knock how hard it is to find someone with a brain that matches yours... because it's well and truly difficult.

anyway i like the guy and i find him really easy to hang out with and i know one thing for certain. even if the two of them don't manage to work out as a couple she will have a much better handle on how to spot a man who is actually nice rather than pretending to be nice until he hooks her. and maybe so will i!
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got a new windshield today so that's two down on my list of the five things i need to do to my car as soon as i can afford it. now it's oil pan, clutch, tranny and then done done done. shut up, i know that cars are never all the way fixed but this list has been niggling for close to a year in it's entirety and some parts for a couple of years before that.

also? it's nice not to have a major structural weakness looking you in the face every time you enter your vehicle.

it's nice to know that some tiny rock isn't nearly as likely to shatter my windshield in my passengers' face than it was.
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i'm jealous that bubbles broke the 300 comment mark.

what? aren't you?
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salt is around again which means that i have to take my askingoutus interruptus and put it back on the front burner. get it all nice and warmed up so i'm ready when i see him again.

*nervous tummy flutter*

i have to say that asking someone out is about a hundred times easier online than it is in person. in person they can see your face when they say no. [notice that i choose to assume he'll say no] AND in this case it's someone that i will most definetely see again on something like a weekly basis.

cause yeah, that sure makes it easier.
not.

if it was online i could just ask and then disappear forever from his corner of the internet... but no, i'm going to see him again regularly. this is almost, but not quite, enough to make me never do it.

note i said not quite...

i have decided on a policy though. always assume they'll say no. that way one can only be pleasantly surprised. this also goes well with my pessimistic outlook on life. always assume the worst will happen, that way the surprises are always good and the shit is always expected.

well nearly always.

car accidents really do sneak up on you.

ouch - no this isn't a climbing post.

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so, i've been walking around for days saying ow at odd moments and for no apparent reason. the people who are very close to me have figured out why at this point and everyone else is just assuming i pulled some little muscle at the climbing gym.

which i did, but it's in my shoulder and is not where the owing is coming from. it's coming, in fact, from something else that's been attached to me for at least a decade now. Actually closer to twelve or thirteen years.

no, it's not a body piercing.

what it is, in fact, is something which causes people to change the way they look at me. or not. which tells me a lot about the people in question. in some ways i'm sorry that i won't get to see each and every facial reaction to this post because it would teach me a lot about all of you.

it's not something i volunteered for, in fact it was imposed on me.

it's not something i know the giver of because i didn't notice it the first time.

it's not something i was given a choice about.

it's not something i want or need in my life.

it is something that forces me to pay more attention to sleep and diet and stress than the average person needs to.

those of you who have this already know what i'm talking about. those of you who paid attention in class already know what i'm talking about. for the rest of you?

i have a non life threatening std.

i don't know who gave it to me but i suspect. i don't know because i only noticed my second or third recurrence rather than the first incident and that was so far from any sexual encounters that it couldn't possibly have come from there.

thus it was at least the second outbreak and i really don't know when or how i got it.

some of you will assume from this that i am or was a slut.
some of you will look at me like i'm dirty.
some of you will sit in your ivory towers of luck and judge me.
and some of you will be nodding along with this because you've had this conversation before.

you've had to sit down in front of someone you're hellaciously into but don't know all that well and say:

"uh yeah... i have an STD. Don't worry, it's not one of the fatal ones, it's just herpes and it's sort of like having an extra period or two a year where you can't touch me... and i've never, in the 12 years i've been aware of it, passed it on... but uh... why are you looking at me like that?"

it's probably been the most heartbreaking and yet repeated five minutes of my life.

and the most rewarding.

my ex husband had the best answer ever 'so does this mean we get to have sex soon?' which endeared him to me forever.

but i've been dumped because of it also ... and you know what? that's fair it is. at least i try to make it fair in my head but it *hurts*. it hurts in a deep and woundy place that i never really recover from.

it hurts in a way that even though i haven't had that conversation in at least 4 years i'm still flinching and there are tears in my eyes as i remember it. it hurts in a way that makes me *dread* ever having it again. and that hurt probably explains a lot about my disconnect from my sex drive.

it hurts deeply enough that i have an extremely difficult time with asking someone out. i think it's that if i ask them i'm offering myself and then when i tell them that i have an std i'll feel sort of like i lied in my offering. if they ask me well then of course there's things they don't know that i'll have to tell them over time.

yes, when i type that i see how ridiculous it is. but still. i'm having a borderline panic reaction just from typing this post and there really are tears brimming (but never falling, they never fall... but that's another post) in my eyes.

i've decided to post this because the greatest enemy of health is silence. the biggest way these diseases get passed on is because no one wants to admit that they have them.

did you know that FORTY PERCENT of canadians have genital warts and don't know it?
did you know that one in SIX people has herpes and has no idea? (that may be down to four now)

first of all i just don't understand how anyone can miss it. the burning sensation when you pee on a sore is bad enough but when you touch it or your clothing rubs? oh my lord loving fucking god does it ever hurt? how can you not notice? [okay some women only get sores inside, that's different.]

the ultimate irony of statistics like that? some of the people reading this who are judging me and my life based on this one little fact? probably have something too.

a friend of mine in college, when i got my second std (warts, gone now) laughed her head off. she couldn't help it she really couldn't. and she said 'damn dude, you have the worst luck of anyone i know, you never have sex but you always catch the diseases'

and she's right.

so i decided that since i am not a sleazy person and since i am choosy and all of that that i should actually be out there shedding light into this dark corner... but it's hard you guys, it's really hard. [I do have one request. If i WORK with you and have trusted you with my blog address please keep your mouth shut at work, i just don't need the hassles.]

wow. i can't believe i'm about to post this. anyone anywhere with questions no matter how stupid you think they are? please ask them. if you wish to email me anonymously or in secret and ask about these things and how to spot them? PLEASE do so.

silence spreads disease. so does judgement.

information stops it.

*deep breath*
*clicks publish post*

let it snow let it snow let it snow

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okay that comes perilously close to being a christmas carol. please forgive me. i hate that people play christmas music in november and this rampant christmas in september thing that's going on is really starting to annoy me. like really, the santa claus parade is in the middle of november?

what???

[i love christmas by the way, or perhaps i should say solstice celebration or the holidays, it's just i don't need three months of buildup to it.]

regardless, it snowed last night. really snowed with snow on my car this morning and everything. and it's wonderful. the world is white, the air is crisp, the duvet is the correct bedding again [god i love duvets,] cheeks are rosy, cars are cranky and the heat is on.

which of course means that soon our homes will start to get that particular smell that a home gets when the windows haven't been opened for months.

it also means that a lot of people will start to complain about the weather.

and you know? i sympathise, i really do. no, i really do.

but you know what else? when i was living in vancouver the weather was killing me. no. killing nme. like the last winter i was there i spent something like a month refusing to leave my house and mostly refusing to leave my room.

i did have the internet i should mention. though a vastly different internet it was.

but here is where the story changes. you see i noticed this killing tendency of the horrible weather in vancouver so i LEFT. I up and moved back to Ontario because here the sky is blue, it turns grey, there's snow, the sky turns blue again. Ahhhh weather my body loves.

vancouver? the sky turns grey in october and except for maybe 5 days it stays like that until april or may. and it rains for days and days and days and days. [at one point i started counting after endless rain and from the day i started counting it rained or drizzled THIRTY ONE days in a row (not all day, but at least once per day)]

given a choice between +3C and rain and -30C and snow? I pick snow every single time. At least with snow when you enter your home all you have to do is shake your head and you're done. the cold and damp in vancouver get into your bones and don't leave for hours and hours after you enter a home. also snow is for skiing on and playing in.

but note. i hated the weather so i LEFT.

so i ask you, what is WITH all these people that move someplace or are born there and hate the weather and stay? is it just that they need something to complain about?

i've heard the arguments about work and family and i really do sympathise but this is a whole new world. if you don't like where you are you hop on monster or whatever and you find yourself something else to do in another place. or you get a job at a large company and get yourself transferred.

what you don't do is sit around and bitch to someone who is playing in the snow about how much the weather sucks.

what you especially don't do is go out in january in a fall jacket, no socks, no hat, no gloves and no scarf and then whine about being cold. OF COURSE you're cold, you're not wearing the most basic or winter clothing... and yet somehow it's the fault of the weather that you're miserable.

one of my clients today was telling me how much she loves to run in the winter and i completely sympathise with her. the air and the light are somehow extra magical and crisp in the winter. the world is defintely dressed in it's winter best and your breath makes beautiful frosty patterns in the air.

perhaps it's extra beautiful because it's ephemeral. because soot will land on the snow and turn it black. because plows will come and shove it into the wheels of your car or block your driveway. because in the city it will turn into slush. because if nothing else, in the spring it will melt.

i haven't caught a snowflake on my tongue yet this winter but i'm certainly looking forward to it.

so to make a long story short i leave you with this. if you don't like the weather there are planes leaving every hour... but please, shut the fuck up about it.

12 angry men

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i've had a few conversations recently that involved anger and it's effects, control or ramifications. I suppose that one could argue that effects and ramifications are the same thing. funnily i'm listening to this screamingly beautiful music and it's hard to think about this.

anyway. i was a child encompassed by anger and terror. where there wasn't anger there was fear and where there should have been love there was hate. so i spent a lot of time in my life expecting to get kicked when i was happy. i spent even more time expecting that i would be the kind of adult who was violent.

I especially thought that there would be problems with children. In fact until something that happened in my mid twenties I had decided not to have children. It's probably why I came late to the party and probably why I'm a little heartbroken at the idea of not having kids. Sometimes the things you think you want the least will break your heart the most.

Anyway eventually I had a couple of really fucking angry moments that did not go the way that I expected them to. The first was with a two year old who hit me in the face about half an inch below my eye with a surprisingly sharp plastic hoe [the farm implement... geeze you guys! *snerk*] and it hurt like HELL. No you guys a lot. I grabbed it out of his hand and shouted his name in this really angry voice and he flinched and looked afraid.

and the anger just melted away.

like it just wasn't there anymore. i was just so heartbroken that i had made this beautiful boy afraid of me that i didn't have an ounce of anger left in me.

it was actually pretty cathartic. I realised in that moment and in the many months and years thereafter that I had been a violent child but that I was not a violent adult. I eventually realised that both my physical and emotional violence (the emotional violence had rapidly become something that i pointed to myself... with severe long lasting consequences) [wow i'm a bit physically ill from typing that] were natural outcomes of being raised in a savage environment. [public school]

so i had become violent to deal with violence but when left alone i reverted to my own nature.

which is to hurt for every little thing
the butterfly i murdered with my bumper
the dying animals
litter
the homeless people everywhere
my friends pain
beautiful music
war
unkind words
the chopped tree

to be unable to bear it.

and yet i'm still violent. i participate in sports which require me to work my body to a ridiculous degree and i'm not happy unless i'm a little bit injured. i tease my clients for being type a jocks but i am one myself. [speaking of, one of them took a climbing lesson because of me! she got three quarters of the way up a 5.8!]

so for me it turns out that anger isn't a natural state... although i come closer to it around my second year of ridiculous pain. anyway i had a similar incident with an adult roommate a few years later and i realised that it was gone. that the scary black anger had melted out of me when i wasn't looking.

it's good, no child should hate that much.

so.

all things considered my childhood was pretty tame compared to the ones on the talk shows. it sucked. it sucked a lot, but it wasn't oprah material for sure.

and then i look at the angry people around me. and i hear stories about what angry people have done to people i love. and i hear about the shitty things that happen to people for no reason. worse i hear about the shitty things people do to other people for even less reason.

and two things occur to me.

that i am helpless to understand this incredible morass of rage in which i live

and that i am afraid to imagine what must have happened to those people to make them that angry.

i don't know which idea is scarier really. that they are reacting to things which happened in their lives and left them feeling helpless and out of control and thus they inflict rage bombs on other people [done that btw, the leftover guilt sucks] or that they are just that angry.

because if people are just naturally that angry? if no one taught them to rage and hate? well then there will always be war and rape and greed won't there? and that too breaks my heart.

holy shit this post hit nowhere near where i thought it would. but i like it.

tag! *shock horror!*

[note i started this sunday and i'm not changing the today yesterday ten years ago shit]

Rules are as follows: Remove the blog at No. 1 from the following list and bump every one up one place; add your blog's name in the #5 spot;

1. The Ex-Girlfriend Project
2. Beauty in the Breakdown
3. Oh So Wonderful
4. DZER’s Diatribe
5. snapshots of an idle mind

Next: select five new friends at random to add to the pollen count. (No one is obligated to participate and anyone can play if they want to).

(tough one, i'm like last to the party here... )
1. hubris
2. sonusexmachina
3. tania
4. othercat
5. elle

What were you doing ten years ago?
november 20th 1995. What the fuck was i doing? okay i was living in... vancouver and i was working at global warming so chances are i was either high on or recovering from being high on crystal meth ... or was that 96? wait that was 96. okay i was attending school at this terrible video and television production place... or hanging at 'the clinic' or 'the pharmacy' or hanging with my old friend i haven't seen in years PG while living in a crazy 7 bedroom apartment in kits beach in vancouver (where i discovered the log)


What were you doing one year ago?
november 20th 2004? let's see what my datebook says. it says i hung out with hubris and anne for dinner and i did my cpr recert during the day.

What were you doing yesterday?
took a class from the goddess and went to my first ever NHL game. but you all know that because you read the post.


Five snacks you enjoy
1. pretzels (better dipped in nutella)
2. poulain dark chocolate with coffee crunchy bits
3. ICE CREAM
4. chips but i'm going off them
5. granola

Five songs to which you know all the words [i'll try to leave out band tunes i sing on]
1. what a wonderful world (all versions including iz's)
2. angel - sarah mclachlan
3. i don't wanna grow up - tom waits
4. yesterday - beatles
5. i would for you - jane's addiction

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire
1. pay off mine, my loved ones and my families' debts.
2. fix my car way up
3. invest invest invest
4. open a studio... unless i was MOTHERFUCKING RICH in which case:
5. travel the world (focusing on surf/ski/climb spots for a bit

Five bad habits.
1. smoking pot
2. fidgeting with my hair/skin/scabs
3. falling for men i can't have or thinking said guys are into me
4. overdoing it at the climbing gym (or at any sport)
5. not believing in myself

Five things you like doing
1. watching tv and vegging out (once every couple of weeks)
2. blogging
3. hanging with my friends
4. having crushes and/or falling in love
5. holding hands

Five things you would never wear again
[i HATE the word never. HATE it. but i'll try]
1. a size 4
2. sparkly blue eyeshadow (hallowe'en doesn't count)
3. a size 40 (pregnancy doesn't count)
4. super ratty and skin tight jeans
5. green polyester with holes in it (don't ask)

Five favorite toys
1. my computer
2. my car

3. my pilates props
4. the cat dancer
5. cash

:)

go leafs go!

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okay first of all

i'm hammered off my ass.

you see i made a deal with my friend johnny whereby i took him with me to see the leafs and he kept me in beer (and food etc) in exchange. this is a good deal if you ask me.

so we went, and we had a GREAT time. there was ice cream and hugging maple leaf gardens.

uhh.. okay... once upon a time there were six hockey teams. if i remember correctly they were toronto, montreal, detroit, boston, new york and um... crap i forget... chicago. anyway there were these six teams (this isn't technically the original hockey teams but it is the six teams that comprised the nhl before they started expanding. we won't mention the other hockey leagues that existed before that.)

eventually those six teams were expanded and expanded and expanded again and now there are like thirty teams in the national hockey league (a misnomer if ever there was one)... and at some point the toronto maple leafs moved from maple leaf gardens to the air canada centre (1999) and the last of the 'original six' hockey arenas went dark.

the thing is that unlike the other five maple leaf gardens still exists and the people of toronto that care about the history of hockey are shocked and dismayed that this venerable building is becoming a Loblaws.

so johnny and i went to hug maple leaf gardens and i buildered it! I did this great leaning sideways thing and sorta climbed up a bit and then i downclimbed it and hopped off. it is inexplicable how happy it made me to do that. really.

i bounced up and down with glee for hours after that because *I* buildered MAPLE LEAF GARDENS!!!

so anyway there was hugging and revering this great old building and then we got on the subway at college and went and toured the hockey murals before we ran off to get dinner before the game.

oh my god you guys it was so funny at dinner. the waiter was kinda ripped so i started calling him muscle boy, and then at some point i showed off my newly impressive biceps to johnny and he decided that mine were actually more impressive than muscle boys' were.

so we challenged him and over the course of the evening he and i compared forearms and biceps. his are bigger, mine are better and more defined. finally at the end he's like 'let's see' and he holds up his bicep and we both flex and mine was all rock hard and his, well, wasn't.

so ironically mine was actually better. weird.

anyway we head off to the ACC and we walk in and get beer and we talk the nice usher into letting us sit down low to watch practise. so we're in like the third row watching all these guys that i've seen on tv. NONE of them are the size that i expect and several of them are way hotter or less hot than they are on tv.

lindros, that fucker, is totally hot in person.

*grumble*

okay sass suck it up, you have a crush on eric lindros who you like to think you hate. even worse his number is 88 and your favourite number is... yeah... 8.

anyway we went off to our own seats as the game started and just generally had a blast.

the leafs killed the thrashers.
i met the canadian tire guy
i got drunk
the leafs kicked ass
sundin seems tired lately
sundin is way taller than i expected
domi and tucker are teeny
domi is obviously the heart of the team
i got a couple of girly shirts.

yes they're hot
yes they cost too much
no i don't have developped pics.

the short story long version goes like this:

wow, i can't believe i haven't seen an NHL game before this. it's so much faster and more intense in real life. a lot of things make a lot more sense in person than they do on tv. somehow running out of rink seems a lot more possible when you're looking at it in person.

MUST.DO.THAT.AGAIN.

soon.

baby...

.
i'm so tired [two points if you can tell me what song the title AND the first three words are referring to without looking it up]

i hate that i seem to attract all the morning work. well hate is too strong a word because well i really like all of my morning clients and i certainly don't mind that my income is hitting levels which allow me to maybe get my car fixed in the same month as my cat gets a checkup.

speaking of check ups i can't remember the last time i went to the doctor. well i remember the last time i saw hot doctor but that's not the same thing at all. first of all he's not a general practitioner and secondly he doesn't do pap smears.

oh man what a weird mental image.

*washes out brain with soap*

[i wonder where my client is, she didn't seem like the late type although i don't mind if she bails]

anyway i did a deposit yesterday which was more than my monthly income has been for the past three years. and it's only maybe half or a little more of what i'll take home this month. that shit is trippy.

i can feel a weight that i've gotten very used to starting to lift from my shoulders. don't misunderstand, it's still there and will be until there's a cushion on my credit card but it's lost a few pounds.

and i feel sort of weird about it. like i've gotten so used to being 100 pounds heavier than i actually am that being only 80 pounds heavier feels a bit vertiginous. i'm swirling in the clouds or something.

[at this point my client arrived and it's now 6.5 hours later]

and then today i got another few pennies. so all in all that deposit yesterday is just over half my income for the month. damn. that shit is weird.

my head is going:
SHOES!
pay off vet
climbing shoes!!
toy bubbles wrote about recently!
pay off mechanic
new skirt that's actually not a decade old
SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
new non ratty mascara
pay off credit card
oil pan!
SHOES!!!!
road trips!
more sushi in restaurants
climbing shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
winter jacket!
hockey and concert tickets
buying pot in slightly larger quantities
new CDs
SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

from this you may discern that i fucking love shoes. i think it's actually a fat girl thing. the only thing that fits me no matter what i weigh is shoes and scarves. and i just love those sexy little tiny sneakers that have almost no sole to them. which i think is a pilates teacher thing AND a climber thing. [and maybe a really fucking tall woman thing]

i like to be able to feel the ground under my feet. I like my feet to decide on their arch and not my shoes. comes of having healthy feet again probably.

[damm james blunt rocks, thanks castu! CDs finally showed up, picked em up yesterday. turns out they got here nov 2 and i got the notice nov 14... fucking post office]

so yeah... there's a spring in my step that's been gone for a long time and this strange swirling feeling in my stomach that i think may be relief or something. the odd thing here is that i'm actually having a very weird time with this. everything i want in the universe is landing in my plate and i'm just sort of freaking out a little because oh my god... my life is here! it's right here in front of me and i just need to reach out with both hands and snag it.

that's harder than it seems.

i've been courting failure for a long time. in fact i've been sabotaging my own success for nearly that long and I can sort of feel it happening a little here. there's this moment when my alarm goes off in the morning where i think 'oh i can just sleep in a BIT more' and you know what? i can't.

even better? i'm not doing it. i'm actually dragging my ass out of bed and teaching anyway. this being a responsible human thing is freaking weird.

so peace my friends and may the universe hand you everything you deserve :)

anticlimax

.
my client gave me leaf tickets this morning and i am so excited because i have NEVER seen an NHL game before. well not live. the best i've seen was the sudbury wolves and i was a kid when i did that. so young in fact that i only remember kid sized images of everything.

you know where the stands go on for miles and they're super high. the players are the size of ants and the play is extra fast. it's sort of surreal in my memory the way acid trip images are or you're watching one of those drunk driving commercials where there's one pint glass in front of the lens and everything is all magical and blurry but somehow still clear.

so i got the tickets and i was STOKED because i was going to bring othercat with me. this is the guy that took me to bb king and herbie hancock and fed me and stuff. i was taking him to a hockey game. except yeah. he was some charity shinding with his family.

so i guess that lets him off the hook.

so now i'm like 'hmmm who do i want to take to a hockey game?'

keep in mind that this is my first ever NHL game right?

anyway so i decide it's either johnny or guy from the gym and [hrm need a non identifying nick name... that i'll remember... salt] salt is sort of edging out johnny because well, i want to get laid AND i actually like him.

so i hit the gym and salt is there and i'm like 'excellent' and i sit down to stretch and someone says to him 'have a good time' so i asked him what's up and yeah. no hockey game.

now guys you have to understand that i have successfully asked out one guy in my life [ironically it's johnny] and so i actually had to get a little worked up for this.

no like worked up. i don't mean i was covered in sweat and being uncool i just mean that i had sort of geared myself or steeled myself or whatever. and yeah no. i mean at least he didn't say no, i just never got the chance to say anything.

no's suck. even when they're conditional (i like you but there are circumstances xyzwhatfuckingever in my life the prohibit me from actually dating you. translation? not if you were the last woman on earth... well maybe then but i'd fantasize about baywatch the whole time)

so i'm glad that i didn't get a no. instead i got all worked up and didn't get to actually DO anything. it's like being all dressed up with noone to blow.

now the result of this is that i get to go to a hockey game with johnny and we are going to have the best fucking time. but i'm suffering from askingoutus interruptus! funny thing is that in a way it's sort of a relief that he can't come to hockey because i want to be able to be a full on spaz and not worry about the kind of impression i make.

shut up, since when can anyone go on a first date and NOT worry about what kind of impression they're making? even if you end up not being into the person you still want them to like you.

i try really hard to be myself when i go on dates with people because i think that that's important. but it would be hard to properly enjoy a hockey game on a first date. second or third date sure :)

the end result of all this? i still don't have anyone to date

BUT

*I* get to see the Leafs!!!



i'm so stoked i don't even believe it. i keep looking at my tickets to see if they're real.

that bitch is mine!

.
yup, you guessed it. this is a climbing post. and a life post.

okay so i was at the gym last night (no none of my imaginary boyfriends were there) and i was working with mg and hb. who may or may not become an and. i'm betting yes. anyway that's not the point. the point is that this guy is such a gentleman in this really cool and modern sort of way.

she and i hooked up to go climbing last week and she and this guy were inseperable from the moment we got there. nice thing is that they were very cool to me about it. there was no like easing of the sass out of the group... which i would have been okay with by the way.

anyway the three of us and hubris around the edges hooked up on monday night for some more climbing. hb showed up magically at the same time as us again. which... weird but cool.

and again the three of us hung out although they were a little more firmly into each other and i was a little more hanging with everyone there.

but here's the thing. he was climbing down to our level a little and yet not being condescending at all AND he was paying attention. so when i was working a move that just wasn't working he actually watched a few times and then broke it down for me. first do this, then do that and then bam. and fucked if in three of four tries i didn't do the move and send the problem.

which i had been working for months. getting stuck HALFWAY.

and he did all this while joking around, flirting with mg and holding down pretty interesting conversations with the rest of us. also climbing AND coaching (without being patronising or condescending).

guy never once tried to ease me out of conversation, he never teased anyone in a way that was hurtful, he just did the problem or move if i asked him to and did it slowly and well. full on gentleman and yet irreverent and silly.

nice to see.

i blame hockey actually. (yeah dude once played)

why?

because in hockey they make you dress for games (like shirt and tie) and teaching respect for others is a big part of the lore of the sport. along with the stanley cup there's the lady bing trophy. it's awarded to the most gentlemanly player.

it's always seemed that hockey culture is trying to get it right. players are taught to leave it on the ice and they're taught to work as a team while respecting each other. you can go a long way with that kind of attitude.

AND, in case you missed it? I SENT MY FUCKING PROBLEM!

*dance dance dance*

and now for something completely different

.
enthusiasm
no really... learn to like it or he won't get as turned on.

.
lubricate

.
use your hand and your mouth

.
lubricate

.
spiral your hand

.
lubricate

.
more base, less tip

.
a lot of women go fast too fast

.
stopping for a kiss is a nice tease but don't forget to spiral

.
get over your gag reflex

.
no, get over it.

.
lubricate

.
please handle the boys, they like it.

.
NO TEETH

.
no not even that.

.
really, no teeth.

.
be creative

.
lubricate

.
what?!?


in case you haven't noticed i had an interesting conversation this evening whereupon i got tips on giving a blow job from three gay men. i was glad to see that i knew the majority of this already from cosmo.

mostly one gay man actually. the other two nodded a lot!

anyway i decided it was my sworn duty to humanity to pass this stuff on. and i put in the obvious to me ones anyway.

also there's a thing. with your mouth. where (damn this is a ridiculous something to attempt to put into words) you basically move your tongue one way and your soft palate the other way and you kind of um... pulse your mouth without moving your head.

apparently this is a deal breaker pretty quickly *grin*


have a lovely night y'all :)

-----------------------------

two things:

.must find someone to try a couple of things on

.i am VERY behind on my email and will be back to visiting friends' blogs in a day or two although i will maintain my own... blondie and lsd are the only two people i know that i don't owe email to at the moment. so suck it up, i have other friends *giggling*

November 11, 2005

.
today passed with little apparent fanfare but i confess i ended up working through 11am. I meant to take a moment of silence but i had a client at eleven and things were a little odd anyway so i didn't want to propose a minute off.

anyway.

i'm pissed.

i'm pissed that november eleventh is no longer considered a day of rest and remembrance. and it's not because i want another day off (although a day off in november is a great idea) it's because some things should never ever ever be let go.

remembering
.atrocities committed in the name of war
.sacrifices made by people without names
.moments of unremembered heroism
.terror and fear and hardship
.my father and his mother coming *this* close to getting squished by a tank
.on the way to the market yet
.bringing out people's true natures
.my uncle telling pow stories (workcamp?)
.that good people will willingly die to fight evil
.what i would lay down my own life for

we shouldn't forget for a second what those people gave up to make sure that the world stayed free. that we are now working and doing pilates and trying to get to banks and generally not paying attention at eleven am on the eleventh day of the eleventh month?

it makes me want to weep. in fact my eyes are prickling as i sit here typing this.

apparently this year the ceremonies were more well attended then they had been in the past few years. i dearly hope so because the last few ceremonies i've had the luxury of attending have been quite sad in their attendance.

still beautiful though.

i remember when i was a kid we used to have an assembly and people read things and we might see a movie or just get some sort of education about it and then we didn't have school on the eleventh. i would sit at home at 11am all solemn and earnest and do something like listen to the cbc or reflect on the sacrifices that had allowed my existence.

i felt most appropriate participating in ceremonies when i was in the air cadets. i'm sorry i don't have the sass in her uniform pic scanned. must.get.a.scanner. we would gather together and solemnly check each other's poppies and belts and boots before we gathered in ranks to march with the veterans and the bands.

there was something so moving about that. and it wasn't because people were watching me march. it was because i was sharing in this moment of respect and thanks. i got to really say thanks by doing something. it felt... respectful.

i guess i was always an old soul. i thought it was something that i had developed over the years but i don't suppose that it's true.

ironically i finish a day that is rife with solemnity and melancholy in a fantastic mood. i went climbing with s and we ran into her interest and he climbed with us *all* night and at some point mine showed up and displayed pleasure that i was there and there was much smiling across a crowded gym floor.

it was pretty much a great day at the climbing gym all around and on top of the fun with boys the climbing was awesome. i have a new move to work and i've gotten to know more of the 'cool' folks at my gym and i sent my 5.10- like it was a 5.9. My other 5.10- is gone but fair enough, it's old. Still there's a new one and I think if i can figure out the start i can climb it.

maybe.

i really really want to take my lead climbing course.

see that? that's what's wrong with rememberance day now. i just went sideways in a second because i went climbing (and then for beer and food and gossip about boys *lmao*) and had a lovely night. i totally forgot about how today is supposed to be serious.

and that sucks.

it sucks that we don't remember anymore that we should give a shit. because when we don't remember that we *should* give a shit we don't remember why we cared in the first place. and when we forget why we said never again?

well all hell breaks loose doesn't it?

it's all in the details

.
i wrote a post in my head last night while i was lying in bed trying to sleep. but i decided not to get up and write it because it was 3am and i was tired... not that sleepy but tired.

so yeah, it's totally gone and now i'm staring at a blank screen.

the other day a friend of mine and i got talking and i started talking about being cursed with awareness. i hadn't actually used the word curse before a discussion that i had with someone else about this awareness thing when he said it was a curse but it's one of those truths that becomes more true the longer you think about it.

when something happens or someone says something or some political coup occurs i tend to get thinking about 6 moves ahead of what's actually happening.

a rather trivial example of this relates to the price of oil.

something like 7 years ago i was driving to work one day and they did the little stock news and mentioned that oil was twelve bucks a barrel. and then five minutes later on the little news blurb they mentioned that the OPEC ministers were meeting. [seriously if you don't know what OPEC is I can't help you]

so my brain said 'hrm... buy oil with every penny you have' ... except i didn't have any pennies so i didn't, now if i'd had (say) ten grand? i would have bought at 12, sold half at 24 to get my ten grand back ... sold another 25% somewhere around 40 bucks and i'd still have 200 barrels or so at 60 ... and i'd have made a fucking killing.

this has happened to me before in less clear cut examples and with many things that had absolutely nothing to do with money and stocks... but it always happens.

i see connections everywhere and behavioural hints in everything. i've exacerbated this by becoming a professional observer. body language is now my job.

i know that seems, on paper, like an awesome thing right? well first of all all bets are off if i'm into someone... can't read a thing. so instead i can tell months and sometimes years in advance when and how couples are going to split up. i can see who is in love with someone who doens't give a shit about them. i can see how much people i don't like want me to like them. i can see what the messages i'm getting could mean whether the person sending them even knows they're doing it or not. i notice the possible ramifications of pretty much any kind of behaviour long before anyone else can and worse yet? I'm so self aware i could beat myself to death sometimes.

ironically it seems that just because you can see the future doesn't mean that you can affect the outcome or that you're right... it's just that being right is sort of the expected and usual outcome. but hoo boy when you're wrong or you don't have all the info?!?!??

i think a lot of this comes from growing up with no friends but books (and a few adults.) In books when an author wants to reveal a bunch of information or wants to move a story along the main character tends to go into some daze of thought. This will allow pages of exposition and some nice deductive reasoning by said character to boot. Except I don't know too many people who actually think like that.

and i do.

it's the only way i know, i learned to think and to interact with other humans from books and from my parents. which means that i have extremely limited social skills [ask anyone who has ever watched me try to pick up] and very easy buttons to push.

it also means that i am a keen observer of human behaviour and that i am far more likely than most to decide that someone doesn't want me around. And since i never know what to do when i feel that people are fed up with me i usually just disappear.

my physiotherapist told me that i was doomed to disappointment if i kept expecting other people to be as (self) aware as i am... and she's right. but still i don't know how to turn off either the awareness OR the expectation.

and since it's thursday:

this is hubris and i on our campy trip just after we hit the underground stream. see that shirt i'm wearing? i *really* wanted to steal it from it's owner!

my name is sassinak and i am a crushoholic

[started earlier when sober and proofread now]
.
so i'm waiting for hubris who was due half an hour ago AND whose phone is ringing busy. this sucks because i'm fucking starving and we're supposed to have dinner. at what point does it become rude for me to go out and eat?

i know i say this a lot but seriously, the quality of comment i get on my blog blows me away. blows me away. i can't believe how thoughtful and insightful and creative and funny y'all are. and that you choose to share that here?

don't ever think I don't appreciate it!

so i have another humdinger for y'all. No wait, *I* think it's a humdinger which may mean that noone but me gives a shit and may mean that 100 new folks will come out of the woodwork to comment *grin*

[fuck i'm HUNGRY!]

several of my friends are currently recovering from smushed hearts... and most of them are doing okay at this point but it's been a helluva few months around here. it's funny because all of these smushings were due or overdue and in some cases the smushee may have been the half of the couple that *isn't* my friend.

this past year i myself have been in recovery from about three crushes and a best friend split. currently i'm investigating crush possibility number four but i'm not holding out a lot of hope on the viability of this one. not enough questions about *me* when we talk if that makes any sense.

i mean doesn't he know that he at least has to display a modicum of interest for me to get all ridiculous and crushy about him? hasn't he been told?

i have noticed that some things are universal. people definetely get a little miserable and testy just before, during and immediately after a split. drinking and other intoxicant consumption increases. tendency to stare at walls and be miserable triples and the ease of sharing space with them diminishes.

i think that when people are miserable they tend to be a little bit like emotional vampires. i mean i know that *I* sure am!

i don't think that they mean to and i certainly don't begrudge the friends that have been going through such things their focus on their own misery. when you're in hell it sort of tends to be all consuming.

hrm... same thing with love actually.

i guess beginnings and endings are like love and hate... flip sides of the same coin.

so when i'm in recovery or miserable i tend to do things like:
. hide all photographic evidence
. eat
. return all stuff i'm not keeping as a souvenir
. drink
. if they have a blog i stop reading it
. avoid them
. eat
. hang out with my friends and commisserate
. smoke pot
. drink
. watch tv
. look maudlin
. eat
. write in my blog (since i got one anyway)
. take them out of lists
. drink
. did i mention drink?

what are your personal recovery tricks after you've had your hearts stomped? Okay maybe not even when you got stomped... maybe even when you did the dumping... or when you just have/had a crush you want/need to get over... or when you just drifted away after years together... or... or... whatever you get the idea.

i'm even interested in how you recover if/when you split up with your best friend and stop hanging out. [no i don't mean sex partner i mean best pal]

but what do you do after that list(or during that if you aren't me)? when you've tried all of your regular coping mechanisms and you're if anything MORE miserable?

[stop it i'm not talking about my own mood or anyone you know... okay well parts of this post apply to my current mental status but not necessarily the bits you're worrying about... but i heart you for worrying!]

i know that time heals all wounds... and i know that pot heals the rest. but the truth is that i have a couple of former flames that *still* haunt me. and it's not usually the ones where we had an actual relationship because i can sort of look at them and go 'ah yeah... that's why we split up' it's more the near misses or the false starts or the starts that went sideways. okay those last two are the same thing.

anyway... i can't be the only one here with lingering stuff... what do you do to keep it out of your life? and still wanting to know what you do when the wounds are fresher as well

:)

approach with caution

.
i've been informed that i need to girly up if i want to get some action in the guy department. like put on mascara and dress more softly and somehow be less confident.

which to me feels like lying. i mean some tight jeans okay, i've always been into the tight jeans... and getting some clothing that i pick instead of some hand me downs and fat girl stuff will also help. (Because I actually like the occasional skirt even though I own none of them...)

but.

just how far do i take this image reconstruction? yeah i want to look hot for sure but do i want to start wearing mascara? lipstick?

being an actual girl instead of a tomboy?

and don't think i don't know *exactly* how to put on the warpaint kids cause well, i do.

and don't think i don't know what high heels are for cause again, yeah, i do.

and i've done the totally girly thing. i was a rocker chick for crying out loud. full makeup, less slutty than the other girls by .1% or so, enormous hair, boots or stilettos, blah blah blah...

i learned a lot from that, mostly that putting on makeup and doing your hair takes a lot of time and that I am an extremely busy person. i also learned that it didn't really accomplish anything.

at least now i look like myself. comfy and casual with just a touch of elegance around the edges. enough to swank up with the best of them. sort of like my table manners [actually those can choose to be impecabble if i wish.]

i drive an old car, i live in a small apartment, i have old clothes and some cats... and apparently an edge and too much confidence. [too much confidence? WHAT the FUCK?!?!?]

apparently i should soften my edge... but i don't feel like i have an edge at all. Apparently I do because I can wear a jean jacket with a hoodie under it. Never underestimate the power of poverty for giving you the ability to wear anything. but i digress. the point is that apparently i'm edgy... which is why people don't fuck with me or approach me.

but people fuck with me all the time.

and i'm not approachable.

the mind boggles.

here i thought i was outgoing, cheerful, friendly, easy to talk to and no, i'm intimidating.

what the fuck? no really... what the fuck.

because i've been suspicious for a while that it really is about having perfect hair and nice makeup and dressing girly... but i thought to myself 'self, you don't really want a guy that's preoccupied with those things, in fact you want a guy who wants a girl who's independent and capable...' but i don't see any of those anywhere and i'm getting kinda lonely.

And traditionally I really have been the girl that the guys hang out with. Yeah, I'm the one they talk to about the girls they like.

I do know lots of women who dress sort of like me and do the no makeup thing... but they're tiny and I think that makes a difference.

What I can't figure out is this. At what point does changing your look become a lie? I mean every time you buy new clothing or shoes or get your hair cut you're changing your look. And everytime you gain/lose weight or muscle up you're changing your look there too. And yet somehow with the makeup it feels like lying.

It doesn't feel like lying when I'm going to a swanky do of course. Or even when I'm going to an upscale restaurant and I have to dress up. It does feel like lying to put on mascara before I go climbing.

Why is that I wonder? Is it because I know that if I actually start dating someone I will very quickly revert to my no makeup and casual hair self? Or is it that I've made not wearing makeup into some kind of statement of independence from traditional female roles? (says the woman who TEACHES PILATES! *snerk*)

I know damm well that if I put on mascara my eyes pop and my lips get redder... so why don't I do it? It only takes a second right? In fact I may just try it for a week or two but then my eyes will start to itch and my eyelashes will get stiff and unhappy and the mascara will disappear back into the old makeup bag...

so i put it to y'all... do you think it's true? do you think a woman who is confident and capable and yes tall and sorta hot is too intimidating? and should she care? because really, if i'm too scary to talk to do i really want to date you? [and never fear, i get silly and giggly when approached by a man out of the blue... so i *can* flirt... i just seem to turn them into beer buddies somehow...]

advice?
thoughts?
comments?

irony

. that a post i write about having nothing to say gets more comments than any other except spark (which was clearly the best thing i've written since i got readers...)

. that some guy stares at me for 20 minutes and circles me like i'm prey and then asks me if i know him and says 'i was wondering because you were looking at me.'
- um what?

. that if i like someone they will like someone else who will probably like me.

. that if someone likes me i'm probably digging on that guy 'over there'.

. that my kitten prefers the house of my neighbour to my own.

. that the better my body gets the lower my body confidence gets (well sort of... that one is hard to explain)

. that i can see the truth in others lives but not my own.

. that the hottest girl at the first aid recert was also the most competent one there.

. that climber guy wants to go climbing tomorrow.

. that i LOVE my new tires and my car loves the new shoes.

. that finding a fuck is easy but finding a date is hard.

. that i SENT a 5.10- on only the second try at it and i climbed it the first time with minor falling. (need new shoes!)
- okay that isn't irony...

irony is:

. that hubris was climbing on 5.9s and I was climbing on 5.10-s ... that's fucking weird.

. that i caught hot climber guy watching me.

. that i caught him because i had just FALLEN off the fucking wall.

. that i don't know how to let a guy know i'm interested without scaring him away... and that i can't tell the difference between shy and indifferent.

. that my back is so sore i can hardly take a deep breath and i still want to climb tomorrow.
- i won't.. monday maybe.

. that i dreaded the first aid recert so much and i had a really good time.

. that my partner for the day (yes, the hottest girl there) has a favourite vital.
and
. that i have a favourite first aid supply.

. that i am lost and yet lead.

. that my blog gets more comments when i'm not around than when i am.

. that all of my local friends are in relationships of some sort.
- except one... and it won't be long for him.

. that i can't tell the difference between 'putting it out there' and implying i'm something i'm not.

. that i used to paint on my jeans and now ones that are snug feel funny and too tight.

. that i enjoy tv so much more now that i watch it so much less.

. that this list has been really fun to make.

. that just when i'm ready to pass out i'm running out of irony.

. that i meant to talk about hockey tonight.
sundin scored!
lindros, that bastard, is fucking hot.
i'm glad andreychuck is still playing.

.
*snerk*

. that sometimes it's more fun to have a crush to think about than it is to be heart whole and fancy free.

. that that sort of sucks.

. that i like difficult people and yet i want life to be easy.

. that i'm still adding to this list and i have to teach in the morning! THREE times.
- and go to a kid's birthday party.
- and have dinner, maybe, with my friend who needs a name other than 'hot doctor' because a) that's too descriptive considering other things i've said and b) he's so much more than just that in my life.

. that i'm going to bed just when this list is getting interesting.

. that i had fun at my recert.
- i know, i can't get over it either!

:)

tires... it had to be fucking tires

.
so yeah.

as some of you may know there was a tire incident a couple of weeks ago which involved a flat tire and a missed class and a firing. I would have gotten fired *anyway* but nonetheless it was an expensive day.

and then today i leave my 8am class to run to my car to make my 9:30am class and there she sits... with ANOTHER fucking flat tire. Now I knew that I needed to tire up for the other pair but I had been hoping to wait until the middle of november because i really want to give my vet some cash.

but no.

the car had other ideas. it wanted new tires now.

so i had to run around on the ttc all morning and spring for some more fucking tires [made my 9:30 class by ONE minute!]. the nice man at crappy tire did sell them to me at the sale price though which i appreciated. still and all it wasn't the morning i was expecting.

i was *supposed* to teach a couple of classes, come home, have breakfast, blog, go teach again and come home. but no... no breakfast and no blogging for the sass. *grumble*

in fact i'm breaking my fast as i type this. okay since you asked... jordan's bunches of nuts granola with mango/apricot yogurt and a sliced up banana and a dash of nutella. yes it is fucking delicious thankyouforasking.

so i haven't had much to say for a few days... as some of you have noticed. That was due, in no small part to my slowly increasing teaching schedule, to band practise, to hanging out with my family and friends in person and to trying really hard to be less than a week behind on email. I failed at the email thingy... but i'm still better than some of my friends who don't even notice that they haven't answered my mail. I at least notice, I just can't do anything about it until I get a day off.

This is not something that's looking imminent.

Okay the point. I have a point I'm sure of it... where the fuck did I leave that thing? Walking around poking people without my permission... damm uppity points.

*grumble*
*mutter*
*paw through stuff in brain*

ah yes there it is.

lately i have not at all been inspired to post things that are deep and insightful. In fact my mood goes more like this:

"climbing gym"
"sore fingers"
"hawt guys"
"sore shoulders"
"crap get up early again"
"climbing gym"

this is not conducive to the thoughtful and insightful posts y'all seem to have come to expect. in fact it's hardly conducive to posting at all. it's more conducive to watching television and pretending the computer and the oddly uninspired blog aren't there.

because you know, if you don't look at the empty create post window then it isn't there.

shut up it is not.

So i'm not really sure what to do about this. What do the rest of you do if your muse leaves you for a day or a week or something? I don't want to delete my blog, that seems like overkill. And I don't want to stop blogging because I really like the group of people that gather on my blog and because well I really like blogging. It's good for my brain.

but still, SO uninspired right now. Got nothing.

No posts bouncing around in my brain. Well maybe one... it's about consideration and when people lost it... hrm must go start that...

okay so, the point is, there have been a lot of fantastic posts lately from several of the folks that I link. hell, dzer did FOUR FUCKING POSTS in one day on wednesday and one of them was about what it's like to be hot which inspired several other posts and so on and so on.

so i think a little lightness is in order and with that in mind... here:
my favourite baby picture (yes it's me but that's not why i love it!)


and just a funny for no reason:


Okay that's it... got nothin! Have an awesome friday night and get in lots of trouble!

ten things

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As usual when I don't have a post floating around in my head I'll do a tag or a quiz...

10 Favorites:
Favorite Season: summer
Favorite Sport: climbing
Favorite Time: lying on my back staring at meteors
Favorite Month: august
Favorite Actor: keanu reeves
Favorite Actress: angela bassett
Favorite Ice Cream: baskin robbins peanut butter chocolate
Favorite Food: anything well made and flavourful
Favorite Drink: water/coffee
Favorite Place: the log at kits beach in vancouver. that place is extra magical somehow and hopefully always will be. And no I won't tell you how to get there but I did find you a picture.

9 Currents:
Current Feeling: tired and mellow
Current O/S: freebsd 4.11R
Current Windows Open: shell console with four screens, this firefox window, another firefox window with several tabs open and a comment pop-up. Surprisingly that's it.
Current Drink: water
Current Time: 21:54
Current Mobile(s) Used: have a v551 motorola
Current Show on TV: i would have to turn it on to see. currently watching ER from a tape from a month ago and should finish the episode next week sometime
Current Thought: wow there's a chick crying outside my window, should i care?
Current Clothes: really baggy sweatpants and a blue/black horizontal striped shirt that's mostly unsnapped ...

8 Firsts:
First Nickname: bones
First Kiss: with tongue? joe on new year's eve. i think he's still with the woman he got together with several hours later
First Crush: so hard to remember... probably todd from swimming who wasn't too nice to me
First Computer: ibm ps1
First Vehicle I drove: legally? parents 84 mercury cougar
First Job: working for my aunt and cousin at their catering business
First Movie: who remembers? ask my dad.
First Pet: muffett
First Shave: of my legs? i was 13 at a swim meet and they forced me to shave. until that moment i had decided to never do it.

7 Lasts:
Last Chai (Tea) : that i liked? bout three years ago. my sister made it
Last Movie: north country - REALLY GOOD!

Last Time I Drove: last night, home from my cousin's
Last Time Shaved: *checks pits* today in the shower
Last Web Site Visited: blogger... or the north country site to find the above pic
Last Software Installed: damm... uh... this entire OS? or i guess firefox
Last Pill I Had: hmm other than vitamin B? I don't remember but probably a Tylenol 3

6 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Broken the Law: yes
Have You Ever Been Drunk: d-uh... here's a pic of the end result sometime last year...
Have You Ever Climbed a Tree: yes
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: yes
Have You Ever Been in the Middle/Close to Gunfire or Bomb Blast: had a bullet pass through my hair once
Have You Ever Broken Anyone's Heart: unfortunately

5 Things:
Things You Can Hear Right Now: computer fan. other computer fan. fingers typing
ThingsYour Bed: on? in? under? under it is... a step for aerobics that i use for pilates, dust bunnies, cat toys, hanger, bandaid box
Things You Ate Today: pretzels, eggs, pita, hash brown thingies, baby oh henry bar.
Things in Mind: damn i wish i went climbing tonight, i hope i can figure out what to do for harriet's allergies soon, damn i have to take a first aid recert on saturday, thank christ i got into a recert, how to save my spider plant from faust...

4 PlacesYou Have Been Today: Pilates for Life... twice. My apartment. The laundry room

3 Things on your desk right now:
cd collection, books, miscellaneous papers

2. Choices:
Black or White: neither
Hot or Cold: hot

1 Thing You Want To Do Before You Die:
lo(/i)ve well and fully
learn to surf

on men and fitness and being a picky bitch

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I thought that a friend of mine was going to blog about this and I was going to wait to see what he had to say before I did this but I don't wait well so I'm going to go after it.

For the last 5 years I've been going after my own health. On December 21st I will have been a non tobacco smoker for 5 years and right about now is my three year anniversary with the Pilates transformation. Had I not had my accident I would be hitting 5 years of climbing in May but instead I just broke a year. Beyond that I've been involved in some form of athletics for basically my entire life.

So. Yes, there was a year long hiatus from said health kick after my accident (although i managed not to pick up the tobacco again) which involved eating a lot of really unhealthful food because it really was so much easier than cooking and smoking enormous amounts of pot for the pain. [I would basically go into spasm if I stood up long enough to cook anything.] If you discount that year though I've been at this for a long time. I took a major setback but my healthy self came back kicking once I was given the tools to fix my body.

When the accident happened I had a boyfriend. Now it's been well over two years since I had a boyfriend so I've had a lot of time to think about what I need and want... and you know what? Fitness turns out to be something that's really important to me.

Important enough that I consider it a dealbreaker.

I am not, for the record, saying 'thou shalt be skinny' or even 'thou shalt have a body like an Olympic athlete' or even 'thou shalt carry very little body fat and lots of muscle' ... I am saying none of those things. I am saying none of those things *because* I don't give a shit how sheathed in muscle your body is or how low your body fat is or even how much you can bench.

What I give a shit about is fitness. Exercise. A healthy enough diet. Not smoking. Giving a shit about your *self* and your body. Because here's the thing... I spend an enormous percentage of my life exercising or teaching exercise to people and I want to date someone who will actually find that interesting.

More than that I'd like him to be someone that either a) shares one of my seventeen forms of exercise with me or b) is passionate enough about a sport/activity that me spending three nights a week at a climbing gym with other men won't bother him.

Too many times I've gotten involved with slothful men and fallen off my own fitness train and I just refuse to do that again. More than that my body cannot afford for me to slack off because it's still just as broken as it ever was if I don't maintain it.

On top of that I know for certain that what I eat and what my dating person eats have an enormous amount in common because one of the major activities people share with each other is meals. Ideally I would date a vegetarian but otherwise someone who is careful about the food that enters their body or is at least willing to pay attention and to eat healthily with me would be nice.

So here's the thing. If I were saying that I needed a man to be funny or intelligent or compassionate or sparky with me noone would think twice about it. But somehow when you start discussing physical fitness and diet people start calling you shallow.

Oh you're only into X because he's hot.
Oh you're just into his muscles.
Yeah but does he have a brain?

And that brings to mind another pet peeve. This idea that athletes are stupid. This is one of the most enormous fallacies that I have ever encountered. Why? Because the VAST majority of professional athletes that I know, trained with, knew, went to school with, train, etc are really intelligent people.

You can't possibly be a good hockey player and be stupid and you definetely can't be a great one without a brain. Nobody talks about Gretzky's speed (although he was fast as hell) instead they talk about his rink and puck awareness. That's brains and not brawn.

The same can be said for any truly competent athlete because the amount of thought that goes into something as 'simple' as front crawl or a forward somersault or a tendu [dance term] is unbelievable to the lay person. We think about the direction our pinky finger is pointed and the exact angle of an elbow as it combines with whatever is happening in your left big toe.

And if you think i'm exaggerating for effect I'm REALLY REALLY not. In fact I'm underplaying just how much work goes into any one of those moves.

Okay that was a bit of a side rant but this assumption that people are stupid if they're jocks or worse that someone who trained 30 hours a week for YEARS is a 'natural' athlete rather enrages me.

So back to the point of the post. Is it in fact shallow to put fitness as a dealbreaker in your what you will and won't date planning? Is it any less shallow to want a sense of humour? Brains? Compassion? Awareness?

Why is it that when you discuss physical attributes you're shallow but when discussing mental ones you're 'appropriately picky' or whatever?