different takes...

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i'm freaking exhausted right now so i can't speak as to how much sense the following post will make... but i owe you guys a post so.

as y'all know i headed out visiting this weekend which is always fun but. my god did i ever miss my ridiculously expensive and overly comfortable bed. don't get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with the sleeping space provided to me it just wasn't my tragically expensive bed with the wonderful flannel sheets that were a gift from my sister.

mix in too much caffeine (seriously java chip ice cream from STARBUCKS at 3am is not a wise move when you're caffeine sensitive) and funny house noises and you get a recipe for a sass who's really fucking tired when she gets home on monday after a nice six hour drive.

the good news? my slippy clutch made it okay and i didn't fall asleep on the drive home. this was in fact a potential risk along about 9:30am. in fact i was sleepy enough that i stopped at *blush* mcdonalds for breakfast and coffee.

aside: STAY AWAY from the biscuits at mcd's in the states. man those things are vile and disgusting. the egg mcmuffin proved safe but that biscuit thingy? man *shudder* it was bad. like picked off the egg and dumped the biscuit bad.

anyway i had all these grandiose plans about sleeping early last night but then i ended up closing the climbing gym and dropping by hubris' place on the way home and then my neighbour wanted to gossip about his weekend and boys and then i had to gossip about my weekend and so on and so on and suddenly it has half past one and my eight hours of sleep had become 7 if i fell asleep RIGHT NOW!

which i didn't do.

i did get an excellently restful six and a half hours which caused me to wander around in a daze all day today and yawn at everyone but i'm teaching good classes and i'm in a great mood so they're not too upset about the yawning.

i'm a little worried though because in two minutes flat i have to leave for a session with the goddess and i can't swear i'll stay awake through it. what's funny is that i'm really, really tired but i'm in a fantastic mood.

no dudes fantastic. i had a client that 'wanted to talk' and i was all "oh shit..." and it turns out that he wanted PRIVATE lessons and had no beef. in fact he's feeling much better since he started my classes and i got hit on at the climbing gym and chatted up by some guys who hadn't bothered to talk with me before and i had a great talk with my mom who called 20 minutes after i walked in the door yesterday from my drive and i think i've decided that my clutch will make it whether it wants to or not and that the universe will unfold as it should because, you know? it tends to. in fact i feel free.

amazing what a few days in someone else's life will do to give you perspective on your own.
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god james blunt rocks my world.
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so yeah it's funny. i go see rr and she puts me back together and i resent it. i'm like 'stop making me hurt this much my body works FINE dammit!' and then i go back to killing myself to move some obscure body part an inch or two. we did make some fantastic progress today though and i got a lot of homework to take me through until the next time i get a private with her.

looks to be a while since all my disposable income is tied up in things like rent and buying a clutch. the good news? the homework i got is long term and will take a while so it's all right that she has no space for me again for a bit.

i don't need her nearly as much as most folks that see her do so i'm okay with being fit in when regulars go on vacation. in some ways once a week is too often because the work that we do is so deep and strange that it takes a while to take and implement.
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so. i've taught my last eight thirty am class on a sunday and i didn't even know it. i got replaced as of february first and my boss didn't even tell me. she stuck it on the door of the studio on a poster instead.

don't misunderstand, i totally wanted to drop the class but i wanted to get to tell them that this was happening. i didn't want it to be a poster on the door. these people are loyal to me and have faithfully shown up at 8:30am on sundays for well over a year because of me.

there should have been announcing and not door postering.

maybe that's just me?
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do you ever have the experience of being so alien in a world that all you can really do is sit around and observe it? you'll dip the proverbial toe in the water but you can't dive in because you haven't even learned to wade in that pond?

god i love water, even in metaphor.

anyway i had the pleasure of watching (as part of a larger group) a man i know well interact with his ex and incidentally watching her react to me. funnily i saw a lot of my younger self in her and it made me so relieved not to be in my twenties anymore i can't even tell you.

she is as clearly not over him as he is clearly over her and yet they're both doing this dance around each other thing. she reminds me of a moth dancing around a flame and yet he's clearly no longer willing to be her light so she just keeps burning herself. frankly i think she'd be better off if she stopped hanging out with him altogether, it actually made me kind of sad.

the part that was intriguing for me was watching this woman respond to me... i'm pretty sure she knows who i am AND that he isn't into me that way and yet she spent the entire evening warning me off and marking territory that is no longer hers. irony is that if he WERE into me that way and we had been planning to hook up i think this would have pushed us closer together and thus accomplished the opposite of what she wanted. [for the record she was quite friendly, just marking territory... i in no way want to imply rudeness or meanness from her]

right so, since i am not part of that group i was free to do a lot of sitting in the corner unnoticed or solitary dart playing or whatever and just observe which is not something that usually happens when i'm in a situation where i'm familiar with the players.

usually i'm a member of the group too and it's harder to observe dispassionately. so i learned a lot about human behaviour in that particular few hours of my life and it brings home to me ever more the idea that if a guy isn't going to ask me out i'm not going to chase him.

i'll make myself available for chasing... i'll wear hot clothes and hang out but i'm not making moves. you can have my number but i won't take yours.

why?

because i'm a hell of a handful and i'm pretty sure that if a guy can't muster up the balls to ask for my number or a date or make a move then well... he probably can't keep up with me anyway. there's more to it though. somehow it seems like if you make yourself easy they don't want you.

actually i think that has a lot to do with the kind of woman that i am. i'm difficult and challenging and opinionated but i'm perfectly willing to compromise if you're willing to tell me what you want. what i am not is willing to try and be psychic while figuring out what you want.

my ex was so unaware of what he wanted that it was impossible to get along with him. hell it was even hard to cook for him, he'd tell me after i served him 'oh i don't like blah' when i had JUST SAID that i was cooking that.

*hee* pushed one of my own buttons right there.

anyway the point is that to date me you have to have balls. you just do. i'm the type who will push and push until i hit something unyielding. and i *like* the unyielding you see. course i do also appreciate willingness to compromise and to hear my side of things but.

give me an inch and i'll take a mile if you let me.

[and yes, i get that this is also a recipe for continuing to make friends out of men that i want. but you know what? if they want me back i'm sure we can figure something out...]
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gah this post doesn't feel done but wtf.

sayonara!

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wow

more than one day off in a row.

trippy.

in case y'all hadn't guessed from the previous i've taken a weekend off and i'm headed out visiting. no i haven't abandoned you i'm just away from the internet until i get home.

i know, you can't bear the trauma. if it makes you feel any better i'll miss you too.
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so i felt a bit ridiculous after my post yesterday because i assigned you guys homework. not ridiculous because i disagreed with myself but ridiculous because really, why would anyone bother to take homework from me unless they're paying me to teach them pilates?

course even with pilates i regularly say things like 'your homework is to go out and say one nice thing to a stranger' or 'your homework is to go out for brunch with mimosas' or 'your homework is to take a walk in the park with fresh snow all over it' or whatever.

guess it's a habit now. hee i give blog homework. god i crack myself up.

that said? i still think it was fantastic homework... so go do it :P
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i'm getting worried about my clutch. i don't think that it's going to make it until i can afford to fix it. fuck. fuck. fuck.

this sucks.

i was driving today and i started to notice changes in it's behaviour. this means it's fully dying now instead of just miserable and old.

shit.

i think i have to ask the mechanic if he's willing to let me pay him over two months. i wonder if he'll go for that.

the thing that makes this uberannoying is that i'll most likely be able to pay for it early in march. it's six fucking weeks away for god's sakes and if it wasn't for the week i was off sick for christmas i would be totally fine to do it next week.

i'm pretty sure it's good for a few more weeks cause it totally shifts fine... it's just hrm... if you don't drive a stick this is hard to explain but hrm. after i release the clutch (which has like 5% play at this point eesh) sometimes there's a funny sort of revving from the engine before it kicks in and the tires take off. it's hard to call because all the work i've had done lately has really changed the drive feeling of the car anyway.

dammit that didn't explain it at all.

regardless it's dying fully and i need it to hold off like a month. a simple month.

i can't be too upset with it really, it's the original clutch and the car has 297,500 kilometres on it... (uhh 184,858 miles) so it sure as hell got it's lifetimes worth and all. but damm car please six more weeks?

i really am going to drive it until it dies this car. well and the clutch too *grin*

it's so nice to be *this* close to finishing the major repairs that have been building up for like four years. i mean it sucks to be this broke but i do the clutch/transmission and one more seal and then i got nothing other than oil changes and general servicing until the timing belt in another 25,000 klicks.

so it's all good after this hump but damm. i'm concerned.

mom you've driven lots of sticks... how fucked am i?
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oh man, that came out so funny i'm leaving it.
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i went to a memorial service tonight. my old roommate's mother passed away after surgery for cancer a couple of weeks ago. for those of you who think you know who i mean? yes the lady i lived with in heathcote. yeah i know, she doesn't need any more crap in her life.

it was actually really great. sr got up and talked about her mom. told stories and read letters from her family and cracked jokes. she was awesome. she even joked about her knees knocking. i learned really cool things about her family that i hadn't known and i learned something about how to hold a non lame memorial.

so then there was a little gathering in the lounge of the funeral home and i got to see a pile of people i haven't seen in a while who happened to be wearing suits. damn they looked good. especially mc who showed up in kilt and full scottish regalia. particularly appropriate as babycakes is scottish.

i was delighted to realise that my SMALLEST suit fits me and it's TOO BIG on top. fits perfectly on the bottom though. which, when i think of it, is probably how it fit then too since i'm a size smaller on top than on the bottom. i've had a lot of business clothing over the years but there's something about a suit with a not too short short skirt and beautiful material that really makes you feel elegant and beautiful. [i was wishing i had emma's glasses to go with it though]

i can't really explain it but those of you who wear beautiful clothing know what i mean. it fits better and it somehow accentuates the right things without drawing attention to the things you'd rather pretend aren't there. i was actually stunned to see myself in it because i haven't dressed like that in years.

i seriously can't remember the last time i wore that suit.

i remember buying it though. my dad and i went to the store to get it (i needed it for court) and the saleswoman is like 'will your wife be...' and my dad and i looked at each other and lost it laughing.

my dad was all "my WIFE??!!!!???"

i was all of... hmmm 24? and he's in his fifties at the time. he was just so shocked that this woman would think that someone my age was his wife. no concept of the sugar daddy syndrome my dad.

that guy fell in love with my mom and i don't think he's looked back for a second

i can hear you guys you know. in your heads you're going 'yeah right' or 'typical kid being unrealistic about her parents' but no i'm not. my parents have been in love with each other for as long as i can remember and they're still each other's favourite people.

they walk down the street of their town holding hands and goosing each other and all the little old italian folks in their town basically consider them mascots now. seriously i can't tell you how cute my parents are. i'd post a pic i took of them walking in step holding hands down the street (from behind yet) but they would be embarassed.

i want to be them someday. well more myself really but like that with someone. the first thing my dad did when he came home from work, every day, was kiss my mom.

how many people can say that?
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i love seeing where my posts go when i start them with no plan.
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see you guys when i get back, be nice to my blog while i'm away. keep it warm or something!

tagged agin!

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i've noticed that most of the women that comment here insult what they have to say in the middle of it. and the men don't. so although i despise gender generalisation i really have to wonder about this one.

men seem to show up, share their opinions unapologetically AND unchallengingly and then wait to see what everyone else says. the chicks in the room seem to come in, start to tell us their opinions, apologise for them, continue with their opinions and then declare that their previous words make no sense.

dudes what is UP with that?

why do the ladies feel a) that they aren't worthy to comment on my blog (cause WEIRD!) and b) that whatever they have to say isn't actually worth saying?

what's even more interesting to me is that y'all say it anyway but you hide it behind all sorts of apologetic preemptive strikes. i do not get this.

well i do actually. i get it because ten years ago i was all about the dissing whatever i had to say. hell i still catch myself doing it when i'm feeling nervous or insecure. or i'll diss my body. or my way of dealing with people. or my language choices. or whatever.

that said, i fight it every time i do it. if i hear myself saying not so nice things about myself i actually give myself a stern lecture. i'm all 'now sass you know you don't want to talk about yourself that way because you're the only voice you really believe' and then if i've just called myself (for example) stupid i'll add in 'and you know damm well you aren't stupid.'

so i'll give myself a little mini lecture about how i want to talk about myself to myself. and you know what? it really helps you guys. it helps more than i can even articulate.

because for one thing i'm reinforcing the idea that i'm NOT allowed to say mean things about myself and for another i'm topping it off with a nice thing. this has allowed a 200% improvement in my sanity and my self esteem.

so. ladies. (and any man to whom this applies)

your homework for this week is to LISTEN to the things you say to and about yourself. to actually hear the negative bullshit that you're piling onto your own head.

and look, i get that you have your father or your mother or your ex or whomever in your head saying shitty things to you. i get that those voices have trained themselves into your psyche. but seriously? what better day than today to take control of your own head?

and you know what? you will be AMAZED at how much better you feel about yourself in six months.

one more thing. when looking in the mirror you have permission to look long enough to adjust your clothing but the INSTANT you hear that little voice saying 'wow check out those saddlebags' or 'holy back bacon you cow' or 'insert nasty bullshit about your body here' you walk AWAY from the mirror. you're clearly done adjusting your clothing right?

right.

seriously ladies, give it a shot.
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nat tagged me lord love her so here goes:

2 names you go by
sass
ange (anj not an-gee)

2 parts of your heritage
italian
canadian

2 things that scare you
love
death

2 of your everyday essentials
brushing my teeth
chilling with animals

2 things you are wearing right now
my skin


2 favorite bands or musical artists:
xavier rudd
my band on jam night

2 things you want in a relationship
love
laughter

2 truths
i will defintely make mistakes every day
some things really are worth dying for

2 things that appeal to you in a man
wonder
compassion

2 things you want really badly
a vacation
my mother reads this blog, use your imagination :)

2 places you want to go on vacation
thailand
new zealand

2 things you want to do before you die
learn to surf
live and love well and fully (i've used this exact answer on another tag and it remains true)

Two stores where you shop
the super fresh mart. it's like 50 feet away and has all the chocolate.
malabar

and i tag uh... beaus and jenn and matt v

electioneering

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there's a cool question hiding at the end of this post... just in case you think it's all election all the time.

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so yeah i just got back from voting.

for the first time in my life i didn't know who i was voting for when i woke up on election day. i knew who i wasn't voting for (the conservatives, the marxist-leninists, the communists) but that was it.

could i stomach voting for the liberals again?
did the fucking ndp deserve my vote even though they just fuck it up when people elect them?
should i vote green so at least they get some numbers?

what to do what to do???

and i've agonized and wondered and worried at it like a dog with a bone when it can't quite get at the marrow and still. i ALREADY voted and i still feel like i don't know what to do.

i've never been so afraid of the results of an election in my life. nope, not even both times shrub got elected.

the conservatives want to sell the country (or at least our resources) to the americans at whatever price they can get. most everyone seems to think selling crown corporations/assets is a great way to balance the budget. the liberals just want us to believe they aren't greedy lying bastards (and that they give a fuck) and the ndp pretty much just keeps saying 'we're not them so you should vote for us!'

maybe if the PRIME MINISTER of the fucking country had his money somewhere other than vanuatu i'd be more likely to believe that he gave a shit about it.

maybe.

also he has weak eyes.

seriously yo i almost didn't vote. it was that ridiculously difficult to figure out what to do.
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in other news i just got an alignment that went from the expected 60 bucks to 130 BUT oh man. oh man.

my car drives like a dream. i keep oversteering because i'm so used to having to work so hard and now it just like floats into a turn if i sort of think i might turn.

gotta be careful for a bit... AND call the nice alignment man and tell him how much his work rocks...

AND? he referred me to a clutch/tranny guy who will do the job for 1000 bucks instead of the 1600 everyone else is quoting me. and i like the way tranny guy talks, i believe he's competent.

so not bad i guess but damm i'm all broke again. *lmao*

yes, i had sort of considered buying shoes, how did you guess?

ah well, it means that all i have to do is nurse the fucking clutch until march and i can fix it. alternately it will die and i'll beg my parents for a loan to fix it sooner [that kind of statement was a lot easier to type when i didn't know they were reading this blog *grin*]. but damn it's lasted this long, i just need it to make it six more weeks!
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okay so yeah. there was this election thingy in canada.

and it sucked.

it sucked a lot. it didn't suck as much as a conservative MAJORITY would have sucked but it's kinda scary nonetheless.

fortunately not one of the other parties will budge on women's rights or gay rights so that should hamstring that scary eyed motherfucker long enough to make it to another election. i really can't think of anything more frightening than an all republican united states AND a conservative government in canada.

that makes for a scary scary world. scary enough that i'd better get my italian passport issued already.

i confess it will be interesting to see who harper gets along with enough to make deals though. that is some weird ass shit.
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i don't have too much else to say really today. the goddess beat the shit out of me. shock. awe.
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i do have a question from a regular though;

mike sez:
"I've had beautiful women who were "just friends"... if friendship includes nudity and fondling and kissing and sex...

OK seriously, a question to the other guys here. Are guys capable of "just friendship" with women (assuming both are single)? Or when a guy says he thinks of a girl as a friend, is it datingese for "I'm not into you"

Women can comment too of course."

so yeah, what mike said. and the flip side... when a guy says he thinks of a girl as a friend could it mean 'i'm totally into you and hoping you'll notice me...'

*grin*
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please comment a lot and distract me from the fucking election. thank you.

pollen counts

[i'm starting this sunday night and finishing it monday...]
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my neighbour and i are hanging out again and he's sitting on the couch reading a food encyclopedia and i'm blogging. shut up of course i'm blogging, i'm an addict. okay so we haven't talked in about ten minutes and it's SO NICE.

so nice.

the thing i miss about living with people is just having the energy of other living beings around. he's over there reading, i'm over here typing and we're both totally happy. his ipod is currently playing death cab for cutie and the cats are grooming themselves so actually all four of the lifeforms in my home are content.

and no one is talking. no one needs to talk and no one feels uncomfortable in the silence. in fact we're happier because we aren't speaking.

and i'm struck by how few people i feel that way around. i'm related to almost all of them actually and the rest of you know who you are.

there is something about people you don't have to talk around that is so intrinsically comforting. this will seem strange to those of you who know me in day to day life because *i* (yes me, little miss sassinak) am a blabbermouth. i will talk about anything with anyone at the drop of a hat.

but sometimes i just need to be quiet and get lost in my head and it's a rare human that i can do that around and slowly i'm beginning to realise that that too is an essential quality for me.

hell othercat and i? we can ignore each other for hours... and have. all the while completely happy to be sharing air. my sister and i? there is a photo of us sitting at opposite ends of a couch while utterly engrossed in our respective reading.

why is this funny? because we're like bookends our positions are so similar.

there is something so wonderful about just sitting around and drinking in someone's energy. that's probably because i have to feel pretty safe with someone to be quiet around them and even more so to ignore them and thus it will almost certainly happen with someone whose energy i also appreciate. [course there are two kinds of ignore :)]

i can't really explain it but it's like giving your soul a glass of water lightly tinged with someone you care for and trust.

oh man i'm a sap.
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there have been some rather strange happenings in the blogverse lately and i've been struck by something. when people get used to something they don't like letting it change.

actually jack johnson nailed it (shock awe, i know):

"Losing hope is easy
When your only friend is gone
And every time you look around
Well, it all, it all just seems to change
But hanging on is easy
When you've got a friend to call
When nothings making sense at all
You're not the only one that's afraid of change"
-jack johnson - losing hope (brushfire fairytales)

anyway some people have chucked their blogs. others have changed them. others have added contributors and so on. and some of these people are taking abuse for it. i don't understand... noone tells ME how to operate my blog so why would i feel like i could tell someone else what to do?

as usual this is only an example. i have pilates students who say things like 'but i've always...' and i'm like 'yes and i'm asking you to try...' and they get this weird look on their faces. okay so metaphoring on.

i get into a routine with my blogs. i check my blogroll which is hopelessly out of date and then i surf my links a little and then i check my comments again (okay this all happens at the same time but whatever, i'm borderline ADD and i really really like doing 6 things at once) and so on. and when a blog disappears (like castufari did recently for example) i get a little thrown.

this little piece of my blogverse is missing and it leaves a piece out of the jigsaw that is the support structure of my life. so i can fully sympathise with the people that don't like it when people do things with their blogs (or their lives for that matter) but the thing that they seem to miss?

it's not THEIR blog or their life to comment on or criticize. they don't have any rights there.

their comments are welcomed if they are in somewhat good spirit or at least approach the nature of the blog. but to attack someone's character because you don't like a decision they made that wasn't about you at all?

that shit is just weird. not to mention? ridiculous, retarded and just plain wrong.
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i've noticed over the years that i tend to speak in parables. clearly that's not changing anytime soon.
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man james blunt is so beautiful. recently i've been introduced to imogene heap and damm. that chick can *sing* and she makes such pretty music.
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wow i just pulled out that picture of my sister and i sharing silence and i'm struck by how young we are. that pic turns out to be something like 9 years old and we look like utterly different people.

i look like a child! so does she!

wow. you don't realise how much of your life has passed beneath your feet until you randomly look at something from what seems like just the other day and you realise it was a decade ago.

a decade.

wow.

i'm barely related to the girl in the picture. i'm not sure she would even believe that she turns into me when she gets a little older. what's funny is that many of her fundamental traits are identical to mine. her nature is there it's just... that girl in the picture?

she's so much less confident, so much less willing to believe in herself, so much more willing to believe the worst of herself and definetely not a girl who would have the balls to think she could heal people's bodies (and sometimes souls).

but that is, nonetheless, what she grows into.

seven love

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sometimes i think that i write in my blog so i can talk about how i should feel instead of actually feeling it.
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stolen from bubbles

(weird, i had to fix the html for that to work)
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what is UP with the fifty year old men emailing me on matchmaking sites? aren't i a bit young for you?

oh god. what if i'm not?!?!?
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do you ever have a moment where you are literally slapped in the face with your own asssumptions or misunderstanding of the intricacies of a situation? where you are going along happily or sadly or angrily or whatever and then some trivial little detail is revealed and you are suddenly turned sideways?

this is especially maddening when you truly believed you had all the facts. when, after carefully reviewing a situation and entertaining about seventy different possible perspectives and the opinions of several carefully selected friends you think you *get* whatever it is that's going on.

and then *bam* some tiny little detail you missed or overlooked or weren't told is just there going 'but hey, what about me?' and suddenly?

yup, world turns sideways.

this happens to me a lot in pilates and movement but lately it's happening in personal situations as well.

anyway...
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my neighbour and i went off to crappy tire and bought some pots and earth yesterday and repotted all my plants. oh they look SO happy. a few of them had died due to the overly affectionate nature of my cats but the ones that survived are looking great. (harriet and faust eat spider plants)

what's interesting is the change that it's made in the aura of my apartment. my old pots were really tall because my old home had really tall windows. these pots are shorter and wider so there's less pot and more space on the window sill.

so my apartment is BRIGHTER! in fact it's bright like it was the first year i lived here before my plants got out of hand. it's really nice anyway.
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give it up for cast who actually sent me TWO jack johnson CDs. i didn't notice the second because harriet kicked it behind the computer.

so i have another one to hear and not be sick of the first one!!!

AND? it was like a little bonus prize to find for tidying.
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oh man.

oh man.

the leafs got their asses handed to them on a platter by the senators again (7-0) and i have to tell you that the longer i think on it the more i feel that the COACH is the problem. the leafs have been plagued with the identical issues for as long as i can remember and the cracks in their game are really starting to show through the rule changes brought in with this 'new nhl.'

dudes they sort of suck. all they do is dump the puck in the zone and chase after it. now sure against those bruiser teams of yesteryear they could simply outskate them to get possession.

but today? not a chance. they dump the puck and they're effectively handing it to the damm senators. combine their total inability to rush and pass with their complete unwillingness to shoot the puck anywhere near the net and what do you get?

a team that just fell out of a playoff slot. (fortunately there's three more months of season before they're really out but STILL.)

time to fire the coach folks.

i know, i know... pat quinn is an excellent olympic coach. in fact he's likely an excellent nhl coach but the leafs need a change and he's the only consistent factor left.
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it's ten after ten on a saturday night and i think i'm taking david sedaris and going to bed.
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went climbing today and some of the fluid was back. it's funny because it's really new for me so i sort of randomly do and don't have it. today i had it. i was flowing along the traverse wall and it was so easy to move.

funny thing is how tired my muscles were from doing it.

i wasn't doing anything new or hard i was just moving and trying to think about the way i was doing it and it was so easy. my body did whatever the hell i wanted it to.

but my fingers. my poor fingers.

i think i may be facing a fundamental conflict.

blogging?
or climbing?
or find three thousand bucks and buy a tablet computer...

[oops i forgot to POST this last night]

do the hippy shake shake...

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so that was interesting.

i got to othercat's house before band practise today and there was another one of those awesome voice mails on my machine.

"i guess you're jamming" *click*

seriously love those messages. so far i've laughed at every one of them.

and firefox ate half a post so i'm going to bed.

okay so i called him back from othercat's house and he's all 'me and my buddy are going dancing' and i'm all 'oh god house music' but i'm also 'i haven't danced in months' so i talk for a minute and then go 'all right, i'm in' and he goes 'okay bye' *click*

i can't explain it but i love the way he communicates on the phone. i mean we've also had long chats but i love the ease of arranging things with him. yes, no bye and that's it. i'm always laughing when i get off the phone.

and then othercat and i had a sumptuous dinner (red snapper and stuffed mushroom caps and all) and headed off to jam. can i just tell you how awesome the band is? i can't figure out why i'm in it but i'm sure grateful because these folks can PLAY!

in fact svdw and i are three times the drummer together that we should be. like i'm 40% and she's 40% but together we're a hundred. or something like that. and last night we girls were ON. like we started several jams and kept some stuff going and were just playing off each other so well.

in fact we may get together and jam just the two of us.

anyway so i get home and i toss on some tight jeans and a tight t-shirt (THAT ISN'T TIGHT ANYMORE *sob* [er sob that it isn't tight, not that i've shrunk]) and head off to a little club on college for some dancing.

firstly? hcg is fucking hot when he's not at the gym.

second? how weird is it that he climbs slow but dances fast? i know, i thought it was weird too. i would have expected that slow fluid dancing that the really good modern dancers do but he's actually a lot faster and not as fluid.

that said? i don't think either of us was particularly feeling the music last night. i got some good dancing in and stretched my body out but it wasn't quite my cup of tea. interesting though that a lot of the african rhythms that i PLAY have made their way into house music.

so i would sort of pick up that underbeat (so to speak) and move on that. which i think led to some unexpected moves from me.

what an odd little bar too. it's on the second floor and people mingle and sort of just dance wherever.

oh yeah. dzer. he's NOT INTO ME THAT WAY. K? k. [lsd/hubris you've seen he and i together, would you concur?]

:)
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i'm all relieved. i have this tendency of underplaying the cheques i'm expecting so i won't spend the whole thing before i get it. anyway i turn out to have underplayed one by like two hundred and fifty bucks so i'm suddenly WAY more okay until the end of the month than i thought i was.

can you say relief?

i can, it's called extra big paycheques!
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the maybe new teacher of my sunday class took my class this morning and i'm sort of concerned if she gets it. she doesn't move mindfully enough. like not enough awareness of breath or some of the deep physical connections in the body.

that said? i'm not sure i'll like ANYONE since i love that class and i don't *really* want to give it up. and how she moves and how she teaches may not actually be related.

but oh... sunday mornings.

god what an orgasmic thought.
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man it feels so good to have gone dancing. i wore my little shoes with the split in the sole and just danced my face off. it wasn't as fun as if there had been african or cuban or south american music but it was pretty good.

the nice thing about that place it that it's clearly the kind of place that you can show up alone and dance and leave and noone will even notice.

this is good because i am seriously underdanced lately.

what i should do is find a salsa club to dance at, then i can shimmy my whole body all i want and i'll still be half as flamboyant as anyone else there. see it's sort of difficult to dance in a regular club because i'm *so* overabundant in my gestures and i'm (i've been told) a really sensual dancer and i shimmy the shit out of my hips.

so yeah, the dirty old man factor is brutal.

there's something about a dirty old married man staring at you with drool running out of the corner of his mouth that really tarnishes your enjoyment of an evening.

worse?

it makes it impossible to free your body to move how it likes... and if you can't free your body you just can't dance.

and if life gives you half a chance?

i truly hope you dance.

ode to the almost shoes

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as some of you may know i am madly in love with my car (hah! bet some of you weren't expecting those last two words were ya?) and i have a theory of car ownership formed by *years* of feast and famine. when the feast is on fix the fucking car for all it's worth cause when the famine is on the wonderful thing will make it through fairly cheaply... but you gotta keep it up when you're doing okay.

and i'm doing okay.

so in october i got tires and in november i got a windshield and in december i got a tie rod end and a tune up and a thermostat and some minor stuff and today i went in for a seal. i don't really know exactly what seal i just know that there's oil on one of my spark plugs and it's because of this little leaky seal AND it's why my gas mileage has been sucking total ass lately. i also know that it's under the cam shaft and thus the twenty dollar seal costs two and a half hours of labour.

i also knew that my oil pan had developed a slow leak (basically tiny pinholes of rust) a while back that wasn't really a big deal but was worth keeping an eye on. so i told the nice mechanic to also take a boo at the oil pan to find out how it was doing.

this is important yo since i'm doing a bit of a drive soon and i've had an oil pan shatter and land in the road under my car before and i am here to tell you that you do not get ANYWHERE when that happens.

period.

so, yeah. the oil pan was actually MORE fucked than the seal. fucked enough that i had to change it today. can't complain too much, it waited EXACTLY the eight months that i needed it to and not a second more. worse? not an iota of shared labour in these two jobs. not like a clutch and a tranny which are basically the same labour for both parts. nope, totally unrelated areas of the fucking car.

so instead of 400 bucks on my car i dropped 750 bucks on my car today. joy.

do you know what that is? that's my NEW SHOES and (*tear*) my new bra that actually fits (and is maybe sexy or at least pretty) and a couple of dinners out. i don't think it's my climbing shoes but i'll know in another few days when i see how the numbers shake down.

so, firstly, allow me to apologize to the reader who requested bra shopping stories rather than jeans shopping stories. not this month dude.

second? please join me in a moment of silence for my new shoes that i REALLY want.

*silence interrupted by the chieftains in the background*

currently i have the ones on the left BUT the sole has split so i can't wear them. I plan to get the yellow ones in the foreground AND the black with orange trim ones that aren't in that pic but are HAWT!

anyway, i'm all sad, i thought for sure i could get shoes this month but no.

in fact it almost seems that whenever i decide that i can afford shoes some unexpected expense hits. i just ate the cushion on my credit card and everything.

good news? i just dropped a month's rent on my car AND i can still afford my life and my expenses and classes with the goddess and probably climbing shoes. so i can't *really* complain about it even though i *want* to a lot.

ah well i was discussing feast and famine the other day, was probably a bit presumptuous or something.
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so, yet another month passes in my apartment with my home being rendered uninhabitable for days on end. currently they're refinishing the floor in the apartment above me (which is drowning out abbey road) and then they'll do the floor outside my door and then the apartment across the hall and over a bit.

if it isn't the boiler it's the pipes. if it isn't the pipes it's the bugs and if it isn't those it's the floors and let us not forget shouting in the fucking halls.

i get that they have to work and all but this is getting seriously out of hand.

i wish that i could just move my entire apartment, stuff and walls and floors and closet and all into the building next door. then i could still live in my awesome neighbourhood but i wouldn't have to live in this building with the totally inconsiderate super and property manager.

who still, by the way, insist upon propping open the door to the building without leaving anyone there to watch it and without anyone in the halls.
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regarding nyc i'm feeling some need to clarify.

ANYONE WHO WISHES TO JOIN US IS WELCOME!!

yes bubbles, even you!

i'm only the person whose blog happened to be hosting the comments the day this got started, and since i'm really busy in august i picked a weekend that suited me... pleasures of hosting the discussion.

that said, no one should feel not invited.

k? k.

melting

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okay in 20 minutes i have to leave to see my teacher. you know, the goddess. yes, the lady who will beat the living shit out of my body and make me like it. the woman who put me back together when i was sure that it was impossible AND the woman who inspired my life into a new direction.

in short, the goddess.

this is good because i'm dying from that fucking weights workout on sunday and my pelvis is torquing again. something is out of whack and i can't figure it out and the osteopath only mostly fixed it.

but she will because really, she really is that good.

also i can quiz her about ALL of my tough clients. i'm stoked.

i'm also terrified because this woman can hurt you so you scream just by touching one finger to your spine and saying 'melt' ... and your spine, trained for ages to listen to her before it listens to you goes 'okay' and melts. and your entire back opens up in a way it hasn't in like five years and you literally shriek from the wonderful pain.

yes, i said wonderful pain.

yes i am a bit of a masochist.

and yes, i'm also a bit of a sadist.

you cannot be in my profession without both of those things being true.

that said, this relates more to the pain you feel when you're having a therapeutic massage. or the pain you feel when you're learning a new climbing move and it makes parts of you pull/push/clench/stretch/whatever in a whole new way. or the pain you feel on that last fly/bench/press/etc/ when you force your form to stay good and you work your ass through it.

that kind of pain.

i do not mean that she will injure me or render my body broken and bruised.

so it is a wonderful pain, it's just different from all the other wonderful pains. and, if done right? you get high off your ass. hmmm now that i think about it it's not that different a high from the one you get when you're flying in subspace. not a place i hang out or live but i did visit it once or twice to see what it was like.

if you don't get the last reference i may consider explaining. may.

so, to make a short story long i'm going to see my teacher in ten minutes and i'm really excited but i'm also a little nervous. not in any way that i don't trust her because i totally do. i mean she rebuilt my body, she could ask me to walk naked through a freezing river and back just because and i probably wouldn't even ask why... though i might ask for a towel.

so i *trust* her. i trust her the way i trust a few friends, my immediate family and my cats. i trust her good intentions and her essential good nature. i trust that she will never hurt me on purpose and i trust that whatever the outcome it will be a good one.

it's just that i'm *already* sore you see so i'm a bit worried.

what's interesting is that i have clients myself who trust me like that. who look into my face and ask me private and scary questions about their bodies and trust me to know the answer. clients who will do anything that i tell them without complaining. clients who believe that i will put them back together and free them from disability and pain. clients i can ask ANYTHING and they will tell me the truth (even if it's about sex...)

clients i could make cry with pain who would never for a second doubt my good intentions.

that's an awesome power yo and i only hope that i'm worthy of it.
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okay regarding new york. it looks like so far we have nat, elle, bubbles, me, jenn and that's about it and it further seems that that last weekend of august? the 25-27th is when it will happen. does this jive with everyone? suit everyone's schedule?

does anyone else want in?
is that weekend a deal breaker for anyone who wishes to join us?
does anyone have a 5 bedroom condo they can lend us IN new york?
shall we see a show?
will there be lots of vodka and sushi?
i declare boys invited if any care to join us...

hrm that about sums up new york.
thoughts y'all?
blondie are you coming too?
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mom it's okay that you don't comment, but if you want to write a post send it to me and i'll post it from you. :)
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god damm i love granola, nutella, yogurt and pineapple! :)
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so i'm home and yeah, she killed me. it wasn't that bad really except that she made me shake and tremble and sweat with her magical finger. good lord how does she do that? so i have weakness in my right serratus and homework to help fix it. AND my gluteus medius isn't kicking in and piriformis is taking over and that's what's up with my pelvis. the funny part is just how tiny those exercises are. you're moving an inch and you're dying.

so yeah. back to having homework.

god i feel great and yet?

ow. :)

feast and famine

i don't want to post this because i'm having so much fun in the comments from the last post... and i want the conversation to keep on going :)

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so that was weird.

the universe is practising it's penchant for irony on my life again and i'm not really going to explain that last statement but i will give a trivial example of it and elaborate by saying that this has been happening with EVERYTHING.

yes, i really mean everything.

i had these two lunchtime classes at this lovely community centre. one with two people in it and one with three and the manager had told me that if they didn't start paying for themselves she would have to cancel one. so friday? yeah seventeen people show up AND sign up for the season.

so i'm like 'right on, there's only three for sunday so that one will get killed and i don't have to quit it. nope, seven for the season. [there can still be drop ins and we only needed five]

so i really wanted to keep one class there because i love that place and instead they both go. and everyone loves me and i already know that i won't be there on sundays in a few months and i feel sort of bad. hopefully they like one of the subs i throw at them in the meantime.

i note that i've already planned out like 5 long weekends this summer. wow already. it seems that i'm not going to be working weekends by summer. i'm cool with that *grin*

in case anyone is wondering? hillside!!!(only six and a half months!!), international climbers festival(definite maybe but it's a week... it's not so busy in july for my work apparently though), my BIRTHDAY, summerfolk and nyc.

nyc? i can hear you asking.

why yes, nyc.

it seems that elle and jenn and i with a little accidental starting off by bubbles [tarts on a yoga may anyone?] have somehow decided that we're going to new york city for a weekend.

i like the 26th of August and less so the 5th of August and the 12th is impossible. that's my month. i don't like the 19th because of the aforementioned summerfolk. so here's the thing.

who wants to come and when's good for you? note my previously planned long weekends, those are non-negotiable. (well MAYBE i could... no i have to go to summerfolk [last year's post]) okay not negotiable. course y'all could come to a folk festival in owen sound ontario with me... :)

actually you should really consider it, it's an excellent and very mellow weekend with great scenery and good tunes. or hillside but it's been selling out so it's harder to do than it used to be. and the volunteer lists are full so apply early if you're going [read march].

anyway, nyc? dates? requests? room assignations? :)
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cramps suck. no, SUCK.
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i remembered my cds from othercat's. er his CDs that i'm borrowing. just to make a few of you jealous:
shuffle demons: bop rap
roots manuva: brand new second hand
-run come save me
-awfully deep
rolling stones: exile on main street
chieftains: tears of stone
the roots: the tipping point
-things fall apart
-phrenology
-do you want more
bob dylan: oh mercy
the beatles: abbey road
-magical mystery tour
kate and anna mcgarrigle: heartbeats accelerating
didjeridoo planet
patsy cline: greatest hits

currently hear: the roots - things fall apart.
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okay as i was saying.

lately everything has been two handed like those aforementioned classes. i'm getting like showered in blessings lately but they're very interesting blessings. they require choices... choices that require me to close my eyes and see what i really want.

and it's happening everywhere and with everything. i mean i'm so busy that i'm turning down work. i'm giving work away.

six months ago i was starving and couldn't afford to get my oil changed in my car and now i'm sad when classes AREN'T cancelled.

that shit is fucked up.

cool though. and it sure beats the alternative.

funny thing though, feast is as stressful as famine... it's just not the same KIND of stress.
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fuck i do not like weight lifting.

okay i lie it was sort of fun but i'm owey. i have all these weird aches and i feel weak.

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey. waitaminute! i went weight lifting the tuesday before last and that's wehn i started to feel weak when i was climbing. i think. maybe?

and i have to do it at least TWICE more!

it's sort of fun it really is but holy crap. first of all? total wimp. i have to work to bench press the BAR. well and talk at the same time while i demonstrate form. but i'm working. and i have to work certain push into things because i have to feel WHERE my body is straining so i can figure out how to fix him.

and there were declines and inclines and flys and lats (hah i kicked his ass at lats! [in other words taught him form and brought him down to my weight which was HARD when he did it right]{snerk}) and weird rowing and and and. holy crap chest and back is a nasty fucking workout.

thing is because i had to work pretty hard to find the strain i had to beat the shit out of my abs to do stuff while TALKING. and they're pissed at me and besides they're busy operating my uterus for another day or two.

legs and abs next. i live in fear.

last time we did arms and shoulders.

i mean fuck there i am lying with my head hanging off a weight bench and barbells in my hands telling someone what to do and i haven't lifted a weight since i was sixteen years old.

and yet i'm right. it's all about how he moves, it doesn't matter what he's actually doing.

when i go watch dancers i see their feet crying out for me to fix them. i don't need to dance to tell dancers things that will make them dance better. i see that in my neighbour.

still it feels egotistical. *grin*

i learned a ton today. modern weightlifting. not the weight room i spent my teens in that's for sure! (ow)

tag tag tag tag

there's a tag hiding in this post:
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go read this beautiful post right now. my mother gave me a drawing of my grandfather that makes me feel like that dream matt had does.
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check out this awesome quote i read in the letter from the editor in othercat's latest yoga journal.

"a lot of lip service is given to the concept of self-acceptance in yoga classes. but what does it really mean? it's not an excuse for behaving badly. Rather, it's a call to recognize when we're acting unskillfully, forgive our imperfections, and then find new, wholesome ways of acting. So when we start to blame our significant other for our unhappiness or we despair at our wrinkled visage in the mirror, we need to take responsibility for what we're feeling and accept conditions for being what they are. In moments when i practice accepting my circumstances, my life becomes a lot more pleasant. Perhaps one day self acceptance will become a habit."

kathryn arnold - editor - yoga journal
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FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
1. technical support
2. carnie
3. program director at a tiny tv station
4. pharmacist's assistant


FOUR MOVIES YOU WOULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
1. tank girl
2. gi jane
3. spitfire grill
4. any of the old classics like my fair lady and white christmas and mary poppins and and

FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE LIVED:
1. vancouver
2. rome
3. thunder bay
4. ottawa


FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
1. house
2. gilmore girls
3. one tree hill
4. charmed (wow, i did just admit that)


FOUR PLACES YOU HAVE BEEN ON VACATION:
1. italy
2. florida
3. oregon
4. ireland


FOUR OF YOUR FAVOURITE FOODS:
1. chocolate
2. breakfast
3. indian
4. sushi


FOUR PLACES YOU WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
1. sleeping
2. italy
3. :)
4. i like it here

tag: othercat, lsd, elle and bubbles
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damm. othercat and i just had the perfect evening. seriously.

i had this crazy day [no really, like my class of THREE in the fall is a class of SIXTEEN now!] and then i went to his place and we had this awesome dinner:

and then we sat around and got mildly trashed and listened to mostly obscure vinyl. it was awesome. we hardly talked all night but we had a really nice time.

and let me tell you that guy has the best music collection ever. in fact i made a list of 16 CDs to borrow and LEFT THEM THERE. geeze. serves me right for rushing out after that last album ended.

thanks for a great evening othercat!

warming trends

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this weather is so fucking weird. i was walking home today from the studio and i had to take off my jacket. it's january 12th, it's supposed to be cold and snowing and miserable and yet it's like this. i'm feeling really disturbed by that actually.

people keep saying that it always gets this warm in the winter at least once and that it's nothing. and sure we do always have warm spells in the winter but folks? where the hell WAS winter before the warm spell? i mean sure we had a little snow (and i danced in it more than once) but none of it stuck around and it only lasted for a week or two...

so yeah i know we get warm spells... in FEBRUARY but this is january and we never got the cold patch. in fact the other day i heard crickets. hell i expect to see daffodils any day now. except i won't because i don't think they ever got cold enough to get triggered.

did i mention the weather is tripping me out?
.

dammit.

fucking firefox.
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just got back from a quick climb (7-8 routes) with mg and let me tell you i am really glad that my teacher is back in town. i have this persistent ache at the top of my thoracic spine and it's fucking up my fingers and my forearms. like i can't crimp for shit and right now i have some sore places that are not used to being sore. and man am i pumped.

not to mention? I get THREE weeks in a ROW of privates with her. this is so freaking cool. i can work out all my shit and ask about my tough clients. it's perfect.

AND? there's another one of those anatomy in clay workshops this weekend where we work on the hip. it's going to be awesome. plus? and i know i've said this before but what the hell, making little muscles out of clay and sticking them in plastic is wicked fun somehow. as is the fantastic lecture on what the muscle does while you're making it.
.

okay i did it.

i changed the cd.

back to james blunt with some xavier on deck.
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i'm a little tripped out right now because i told my mother about my blog a while ago and then i never heard anything else about it. so i assumed she wasn't reading it.

turns out she was just taking her time. hopefully i haven't shocked her overmuch.

what's weirder is that my dad is reading it too. why is this weirder? i thought for certain that he'd be like 'man you're nuts' and stop reading. *laughing*

anyway, welcome parents to my corner of the internet. y'all be nice to my folks. (don't worry about shocking them though, they've known me for years)
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i did it.

i gave notice on my sunday morning class. last night actually.

i got up the gumption and suddenly i just knew it was time and past time so i did it while i still had the courage.

i'm really sad to be giving it up, in fact my heart is clenching a little with the thought. i love those ladies. they came to my class when i was still shitty and new and they supported me and gave me good advice and asked for me to get more classes.

they're awesome and such fun to teach and now? i'm leaving them.

i feel really weird and sad but i just can't bear it anymore. 7:30 on a sunday morning is too early to work. especially when you're working a 6 day week. plus no one is ever willing to sub it and i can only ask a pool of like 5 teachers that work at that facility.

my two other sunday things are a breeze. one is a client i just cancel or move and the other is a class i can ask ANY teacher to sub. also it's at noon.

when choosing between getting up at 7:30 and getting up at 9:30 or 11 you gotta go with the part that involves sleeping past nine.

you gotta.

oh i'm sad.

but? the other side of the coin is that i get my weekends back... so i'm not that sad. it's more that i feel i'm betraying them somehow.

i know, i'm silly... but nonetheless it's how i feel.

BUT??

SUNDAY MORNINGS !!!!
:)


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ps xavier looks to be staying awhile...

by popular demand

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you will note that i suck at flexing. like suck at it. when i was swimming we used to have these little bodybuilding competitions where we would all pose and i just couldn't get my muscles to flex. my muscles need to be in use to properly show themselves off, they've never really been into this idea of bragging for no reason. [we also did biking, running, medicine ball tossing, rope climbing, circuit training, weights, water polo, stairs, wrestling and elementary boxing... and that's off the top of my head]

toss them at a climbing wall or a sledgehammer or whatever and they'll pop like mad though :) [or doing weights with my client tonight, damm i was all impressed with my shoulders]

i think that sums me up a lot too actually. when i'm in repose and i have a chance to think and be alone i'll get maudlin and sad or introspective but if you keep me busy and my brain working it stays all sparkly and shiny. of course one of my favourite things is to get filthy dirty and not go near soap and water for days on end...

oh man i am the metaphor queen these days. it seems like i'm doing it whether i mean to or not. hell i made an entire post that turned out to be hugely uh... metaphorical without even realising it. later i realised what some people were thinking and i almost peed my pants i was laughing so hard.

anyway... there's my biceps.


dzer? you're welcome :)
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eliana!

wow... couple things.
1. hcg has excellent taste in jazz singers
2. jack johnson rules and that bubble toes song kills me

1. just got back from the montreal bistro where genevieve was singing and eliana sat in on a song. i was there for a couple of reasons.

hcg has been bugging me to see this show for like weeks. informing me that i'll love this woman and i have to go see her and since it's at the montreal bistro i'm willing to buy it... but, it's on a tuesday and noone wants to come with. (he and othercat are working, md lost her cell and hubris wasn't home) and i'm like 'nahhh, i'll just stay home and blog' and then this morning i get an email from eliana (who has taken several of my pilates classes) informing me that she's sitting in with genevieve tonight.

and i'm like 'okay universe i'm sort of getting the hint' so i think maybe i'll go or maybe not cause i have to work in the morning and then i get home around 5 and there's the funniest message on my machine which i SO wish i had written down before i deleted it.... but it was something like

"this is a last minute warning
the show tonight will be awesome
you should go
you've been warned" *click*

and i just started laughing. and i went. dudes it was great. those chicks can sing and the bass player? she was totally hubris' type actually. all defiant looking with crazy hair doing something she loved. anyway she was rocking the stand up bass and i wanted to dance so badly. so badly.

eliana got up for a song and they did this lalala thing (such a bad description) and then they did a song in english and portuguese that i think it called 'lovely' and i was so impressed. especially the bits they did in tandem. those girls should sing together more.

and?

they make each other more beautiful! how is that possible? genevieve is lovely with her pale skin and her red hair and her whisky voice... and then eliana is this long tall latin beauty with these flowing wavy black locks of hair. (clearly i know one of the two better *grin*)

oh wow such a lovely image on the stage tonight. two different worlds blending perfectly.

look it's another metaphor *grin*

i think i speak in parables sometimes... just ... sassinak style.


2. this bubble toes tune. it's fucking killing me yo. i don't even really get why but it hits me hard. i must go purchase more of his CDs (and about 47 others) before i wear this one out. oh crap.

oh crap

i REFUSE to replace cable with music.

shit.

all these years of not cd shopping wasted. i've gone and turned into a music snot AND i need to buy zillions of CDs. these people were talking two tables away at the gig tonight and i was doing the turn and stare. [translation for the non canadian. canadians are REALLY good at passive aggression... so if you're talking in the library we'll stare at you and eventually you like die of mortification and shut up... OR someone gives in and goes over to shush you. that's a last resort of course]

talking at a gig and i'm enraged.

this is so funny when i think about my gasworks days. the loudest rock bar ever and we would shout over the music. *lmao*

there are SO many memories in that last paragraph i'm not sure i could even pick one... but KL was there for most of them :)

so yeah. i get a CD that i love and i listen to it like 30 times and then i go to the next one and if i like that one i switch back and forth for a bit with the new one in heavier rotation. currently i have SUCH a pile of unsorted CDs that i have to deal with and listen to. it's uh getting out of hand.

and?

yeah i'm doing the turn and stare because people are talking.

clearly i'm a groan up now *snicker*


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ps hi mom... i turned on anonymous commenting for you and princess valium...

body language

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okay i'm willing to see if anything comes out of my fingers but i'm not holding out much hope.

did some climbing today and i have to tell you that since i tried my shoes i can't have it's just not ruling my world. i'm sticking my shitty shoes to the wall and they're slipping and my climbing brain is on vacation and it's just weird.

and it wasn't my belay partner either cause his advice tends to be good although he didn't really hand any out today. actually he was the perfect person in the world to climb with because i was *not* happy when i got to the gym... in fact i was close to tears. i can't really explain why, just suffice to say that my heart is feeling a little bruised these days and nasty electioneering isn't helping at all.

neither are the really scary and shitty things that are happening in toronto right now. things involving guns and drive bys and just general mayhem that are completely not like this city that i love. something is happening here and what it is ain't exactly clear and it's setting my world a little off kilter.

so i get there and i'm miserable and i sort of stretch and do pilates for a while and then i go do a couple of traverses and my arms are tired and mad (too fast since i went friday and before that monday... maybe take a few extra days off) and i boulder a little and somehow just when i started to boulder everyone else in the room sort of up and went to the other room to the tougher wall and i was like 'ahhhh alone at last.' by that point if i had exchanged 30 words with the entire gym i'm shocked...

so i stared at the wall and did some not so difficult problems and stared at things i hadn't tried to climb before and just worked my body and threw my mood at the wall.

by the time he walked in i was feeling just human enough to chat with someone else who was antisocial. so he was pretty much perfect for that and then after he sort of worked up to it we went and did routes and somehow it was like we weren't really there. and weird? that group of boulderers came back en masse as we headed out to do routes.

we were in our own little bubble. actually that happens to us a lot.

there were entire sets of routes where all we did was look at knots, belay/climb and wander to the next route. no words exchanged.

god it was great.

one time i couldn't even bear to shout 'take' so i just kinda shook the rope and he sorta jumped and down i came. not a sound.

i'm not fully into my introvert side that often but january brings it out in me big time and i don't think i could have borne hanging out with anyone feeling particularly sociable. in fact hubris and some folks that i know vaguely were there and they kept wanting to talk to me and i just wanted them to fuck off so i could be antisocial and climb.

and it wasn't like i was climbing well. i fell twice off a 5.8 that i usually send and i couldn't finish a couple of 5.9s. I confess that that felt more like my brain than my body though. i just couldn't figure out what to do and yet i had finished both of these routes before.

it's possible that my movement style is transitioning and i'll just have to see how it shakes down. i'm bouldering better... hrm and i'm tired at the top of routes. note to self, more laps and traverses.

anyway there is just something about january that seems to require canadians to fall into their own heads. it's probably that instinct to hibernate that we all have being reinforced by the weather and the light patterns. actually the weather is totally nice right now so i'm going to blame the lights.

i just know that sometime every winter i get this need to sort of pull back from my life and assess what i need and want and that it's hitting early and hard this year [only somehow i'm not in depression mode which is inexplicable]. i think it's because of teaching.

see when you teach movement for healing you somehow get really in tune with the people around you and [bear with me here] the energy flows in your world. so i'm suddenly teaching full time in a career that's the hardest and yet most rewarding thing that i've ever done.

i'm exhausted, i'm broke and yet not broke at last (in other words i got no savings and almost no debts but i have positive cash flow finally!) and i have this crazy schedule that i need to wrangle a little... i can finally start saying no to subs and to classes and clients that i don't want AND i can give notice on my sunday at 8:30am class *tear*

and it means that i am much more in tune with the currents of life in the traditional sense. i tend to be near the moon in my cycle and my desires regarding food really fluctuate with that. i'm energetic and perky in the summer and hibernating in the winter. not that this doesn't happen to everyone but i pay attention to that stuff for a living.

it also means that my current emotional shields are just not up to the job of dealing with this many broken and hurting and hopeless people every week. some of them are wonderful or hopeful or energetic of course and all of them are dear to me in their own ways (not the least of which is that they willingly pay me to do what i love) but somehow.

somehow i'm extra introspective and feeling really antisocial when i'm not at work. i think this will be significantly alleviated when i get a place of my own to teach in. then i will have total control of the schedule and i can just schedule food and rest as i need instead of sort of randomly like right now.

oh my god y'all

i think i finally found a way to make a living that harnesses my excessive social energy. this is um... unexpected

weird.

more bytes...

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it cracks me up that you guys like me the most when i feel the most out of synch and the least inspired. funnily enough that happens to me when i teach too. i taught this class today that i was *sure* was totally discombobulated and weird and they fucking loved it. they were coming up to me after and thanking me and blah blah blah.

meanwhile? yeah i thought they were bored and not feeling challenged.

just goes to show you how fucked our perceptions of our effects on others can really be.
[so that was friday]
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fuck i had most of a post here and then firefox crashed when i asked it to do 97 things at once and now my post is gone. and it was a little ramble about hockey day in canada and how i was fully watching it in it's complete hokeyness. AND because firefox crashed instead of blogger burping there's nothing to do to get it back.

ah well, it was kinda lame anyway.
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and then, i did another one and shortened the hockey ramble and talked about advice that hits you like a punch and started in on the canadian election and firefox crashed again.

so yeah, here goes round i've lost track. wish me luck.
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there's an election in canada in something like two weeks. this sucks because it means that i actually have to pay attention to those stupid bastards while they beat each other up in the media and try to blow hot air up my ass. the mud slinging is really getting to me.

i have never seen such a horribly negative election campaign in my life. i'm sorry. i mean i've never seen such a horribly negative CANADIAN election campaign in my life. all they're talking about are the things the 'other guys' will do that are awful but noone is really talking about what they will do instead. they're just being evil.

picking horrid pictures of each other and saying nasty nasty things wrapped up in slick marketingspeak. i'm telling you it makes me want to vote NDP or green or independent or something. i mean hell i hate the conservatives but the liberals are starting to piss me off almost as much (close to more actually because i expect better from them).

in fact i'm so disgusted that i almost don't want to vote just because i hate them all. all they're doing is lying and trying to figure out what they can do that will fool me into voting for them.

would that someone would just tell the truth. god i wonder if anyone even knows what that is anymore. for serious some of the ads make me well up with tears i'm that upset about them.
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it's weird, it's the third period in the vancouver/calgary game and i'm finishing up my third blog post for the day... except it's the same post. i've been just about ready to post it TWICE now and then crash. and the first time was during the first game. the second time was during the second game and here i go again during the third game.

this is actually the best game of the three by far. the habs walked over the sens 4-1 and the leafs trounced edmonton 3-2 [hee see how i said trounced?] and my boyfrienddarcy tucker scored a goal despite being all injured. just somehow edmonton seemed outmatched the whole time.

calgary and vancouver are fully even and this game rocks. okay while i typed that calgary got two goals and now it's 3-1 and way less interesting. but still, it's been fast and clean and i'm really enjoying it. man i watched enough hockey today for the next month. or until the olympics.

man i love watching the olympics. as much as i love the stanley cup and the US Open tennis championships... something about watching the best of the best fight it out...

damm the boys are starting to fight. this rivalry is intensifying as the playoffs get closer and closer and as it becomes more and more apparent how well matched vancouver and calgary are. i give the edge to calgary myself because of the kipper. i can't even imagine how that guy just makes the puck fly off and away from the net. it's like he has a magic shield or something. okay not so magic, it's 3-2 and suddenly it's a hockey game again.

also? it cracks me up how canadian hockey announcers sound.
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have you ever gotten some advice that sort of hit you upside the head? some words come out of the woodwork and into your life and just turn all of your understanding of something on it's ass? thoughts that punch you in the gut?

well i got me some of that just the other day and i'm still sort of reeling. my brain is going around in circles except it's doing it on whole new tracks. in fact it's like the circles are laying new track. okay the metaphors are getting out of hand here.

anyway i really thought i had considered all of the possible ramifications of a certain situation and the friends that i consulted agreed with me that i had and then out of the blue? some new advice. a thought that didn't come from my own head.

a thought with the ring of truth.

because that was the thing with all of the possibilities that *I* had come up with... none of them felt right. they felt like me trying to explain something but not necessarily me understanding something.

and what will i do with this new understanding? well my brain hasn't finished mapping out the new paths but i'm thinking that the way that i do a lot of things will change now. or at least my perspective on a few things will be different forever.

that's pretty cool from what was essentially two lines of text.
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wow, it's 3-3 and the third just ended and this game just went into sudden death overtime! woo hoo!

this really *is* the best game of the bunch! and there's a penalty! damn you guys, i'm sad for you if you didn't watch this game! and vancouver wins 4-3.

wow. wow. that was awesome!

have a good night kids!

bits and bites

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song of the moment - 3rd planet - modest mouse

so, i have to move. it's official. some pipe burst in a part of the building that doesn't actually exist somehow so they have to drill through several different walls and floors and work until 1 in the morning (and start again at 9) and somehow that means that the property manager and the superintendent have to laugh and talk at the top of their fucking lungs in the halls at ten o'clock in the morning.

so i complained and got informed that since they can't psychically know when people are here and when they aren't that they don't have to be considerate. that we should just suck it up that ten am is considered an acceptable time to wake people up.

great. my one day of the week i can get some sleep and they're standing outside my fucking apartment shouting at the tops of their lungs. AGAIN

there have been months and months of disturbance by this 'new, high efficiency' boiler that they've put in. about the only satisfaction for me is that they're not sleeping any better than i am since it keeps blowing up and failing and bursting pipes. and it further turns out that high efficiency means 'makes a jet plane sound quiet' *sigh* i love my apartment but i fucking hate this building.

you guys you can't believe the mess. they had to drill through the floor in the hall, the floor in the apartment across from the boiler room (that guy can't even be in his apartment right now) and the wall of the boiler room and MAYBE TnA's apartment wall/floor as well.

suckers.

the only satisfaction for me in all this? well actually there are two.

one. thank the universe they fired me because man this is a nightmare and has been for months.
two. it's costing them piles and piles of unexpected money

*evil grin*

what's funny is that i didn't go looking for an apartment, i went looking for a loft. how ridiculous is that since i can't even pay a tenth of the down payment? yeah, pretty ridiculous. still here i am perusing real estate listings for a home that i cannot possibly afford.

it is perhaps time to find out if a couple of people who want to finance my studio dreams wish to put their money where their mouths are... but i'm a little unsure about doing that. i don't really like the idea of tying my financial future to someone else unless it's a relative or a spouse. and even the spouse one is pretty strange considering what's happened to some friends of mine.

i just really hate the idea of moving to yet another place where i'll be paying someone else's rent. it sort of enrages me. what's even more frustrating is that if i could just stop dropping 600 bucks a month in studio rental fees i'd have my down payment by the end of the year.

man it sucks to be coming out of extreme poverty. i was doing okay when i got in my accident.. had savings and plans and all sorts of things. clearly the universe had something else in mind.
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[and it's 10 hours later]

i can't stop eating the pretzels and nutella long enough to type right now. gawd it's delicious.

it's funny how my love for chocolate has grown with me. i didn't really care that much about it for a long time and then i met really good dark chocolate and well. yeah gonzo.

and the hot doctor reintroduced me to nutella as an adult... man i'm grateful for that one.
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a friend of mine who has been married for a really long time was giving me the lecture about cooking for yourself. you know, the one where they tell you how much cheaper it is to cook all your meals?

the one where they tell you how easy it is?

the one where they do not consider, for even a second, how expensive it is to let half of every vegetable or whatever you buy rot in your fridge because you eat so little of everything. or that i'm a bitching cook. or that it's hard to cook balanced meals for one.

damm i love that lecture.
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this is the oddest cd. cast put modest mouse live on it followed by iron and wine. and it seems like the totally weirdest combination and yet? totally works.

and totally off topic? the freebird rant is one of the funniest things i've ever heard.
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othercat has bicep photos in his camera. if you're lucky you'll see them next week. they're a month old but it's cool.
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i didn't go to singles night at the climbing gym.

say it with me now, SINGLES night at the CLIMBING GYM. yeah.

it's theoretically about finding people belay partners except there's a picture of a heart shaped hold on the poster. for serious.

it's red and heart shaped.

yeah.

funnily enough it's not the total lameness of it that kept me from going, i was tired and i'd had a long day of work and being woken up by the fucking exploded boiler and i realised that i was only going because it was singles night and not because i particularly wanted to.

and since, when i was all into hcg, (who now lives on the back burner with several other folks) i made a rule that i could only go climbing if i wouldn't be sad that he wasn't there i decided it was a good rule in general. only go if you really really want to and not because someone might be there, you have plans to meet there (then you just belay slave) or it's singles night.

yeah. singles night at the climbing gym. that shit is just weird.

it's even weirder because some people will be looking for climbing partners and some people will be looking for dates and there's no particular way to tell who's what and who is or isn't married. it's strange.

i'm sorta unable to participate anyway because i have clients until an hour and a half after it starts. i confess that i'm sort of relieved. it just seems so painfully lame.

and yet really... how is okcupid or lavalife any less lame? and it's worked for TONS of folks that i know. funny little sass... :)

secret dreams

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there's one thing that i find really frustrating about new years each and every year. in fact it gets more frustrating the older i get. somehow, no matter how good my life is and no matter how happy i am i end up in a stew of introspection that i have a hard time getting out of.

this year (as you all know) i'm thinking about men and families and more specifically the yes or no of having kids. because i'm single i have to think about doing it alone and you know? although emotionally i want to do it very much there's a reasoning brain that's going 'uh dude?'

i'm sort of quoting someone i'm close to on the above but since she summed up my own feelings and since she won't mind if i quote her with no credit i'm doing so. (course if she wants me to i'll credit her thoughts) anyway the point is that there's this disconnect somewhere. there's the part of me that fully expects to make babies and to have a family around me when i'm 60 and the part of me that wants (for example) a pilates studio/loft of my very own and it seems like i'm going to have to choose between them.

so then i think that maybe i'm just rushing into things and that if i slow down and take a breath and just let my life happen that all of the things that i want will just come to me. except that's what i do. i let my life happen and somehow? that ain't happening.

somehow i'm 34 years old with no real prospects for family. and i KNOW that at least half of you are thinking 'oh just let it happen' or 'when you least expect it' or... and that's fine y'all but although it's the lamest thing ever the cliche about biological clocks exists for a reason. i can't tell you how tired i am of hearing that i have lots of time. i don't have lots of time. i have at most 5 years left where i'll be like usefully fertile and within a year of now the scary odds get a lot scarier. I *had* lots of time when i was 24 for sure... but that was then and this? this isn't.

so now there's a little voice saying 'well dude, why don't you open your studio and then adopt a 5 year old foster kid when you're 40?' and there's no counter voice. there's no piece of me saying 'that's a bad plan dude, don't do it.' in fact it sounds like an excellent plan.

it sounds a hell of a lot better than bankrupting myself at a sperm bank or giving up buying a place to live/work so i can have a kid. it sounds a lot healthier than worrying about it now... but then i think 'didn't you want one that was yours?'

and i did. but maybe that's another one of those wants/needs things. maybe i should think instead about the (for example) cats that i've loved. i didn't bear any of them (shut up!) and i didn't pick any of them as kittens either. in fact they were all rescues. and i love(d) each and every cat that i've ever had and a few that belonged to other people.

so maybe recognizing that the maternal instincts that i have will take over REGARDLESS of the blood connection between myself and a young human is what i'm supposed to be doing. [and it wouldn't suck to keep my pretty stomach... though other parental pilates teachers i know got theirs back]

[jack johnson is too good to listen to while blogging, it's distracting... especially that bubble song]

maybe i'm just supposed to go with my backup dream that involves a beautiful piece of land and a gaggle of kids that need rescuing. i don't really talk about this one much because it's so close to my heart AND because i'm not mature enough to do it yet.

it's funny that i talk about pretty much anything but when it comes to something that i cherish? that i feel ridiculously egotistical for contemplating?

anyway many years ago i read the smoke jumper by nicholas evans (good book actually, worth a week or two... can't say it's worth a year - so decide based on your reading speed) and there was a character who was doing counselling with lost teens.

they had this program where previously lost teens would rescue newly lost teens and so on. uh yeah please tell me that made sense.

so, i read about this and it just sort of came to me fully formed in an instant. this vision of a piece of land somewhere remote that worked like an old time farm except the 'hands' were all healers (mind, body or soul) or kids who were in various stages of healing.

basically a family that i build that is filled with lost souls that save each other. what hubris to believe i could accomplish such a thing and yet that's one of those images in the back of my skull. sometimes i stick surfing in it too but i wonder sometimes if it would be safe to have an ocean around lost children.

i think so,

i mean i've spent many a day sitting on a beach and staring at the waves. and i've spent many more frolicking in those waves and i know that the sea is a place that heals. so i stick a little cliff and a teeny beach and waves in the dream (notice the little cliff for climbing? yeah? yeah? :) and i wonder if i'm allowed to change such a picture.

cause you know what? i keep *talking* about going sperm shopping but i ain't doing shit about it. i'm not doing research. i'm not looking around for men to ask. i'm not shopping the freely available sperm bank websites. i'm not investigating my fertility although i said i would at 33. i'm not really doing anything except musing into my blog.

so maybe i'm full of shit huh? maybe i'm just posturing when i say that i want to be a single mom. maybe what i want instead is a whole gaggle of kids that i didn't make (or someone to do it with... but that's a whole other post).

*shakes head*

food for thought anyway.

on being a fickle bitch

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which i are.

there i was all in love with these shoes and off i went to mec to try on every shoe in the store and see what i actually wanted. i was primed and ready and i had a hot credit card in my hot little hands. er hot is a metaphor and doesn't imply that i stole someone's cards.

yeesh think y'all would know me better by now.

well, first of all LSD's shoes came third all around for fit and performance on my feet.

which is weird. why is it weird? because *after* he broke his shoes in they fit me perfectly... but the new ones at the store? sucked a little ass. (not as much as the mad rocks though)

weird huh?

even weirder is that his shoes that i couldn't stand at the gym? felt awesome on. (not as awesome as the two i'm currently dreaming about but nonetheless...)

anyway so now i'm all in love with:
these shoes and with another pair of la sportiva's i'll display about six inches down from here.

so i do agree that la sportiva shoes are the ones for me but unexpectedly the testarossa's just didn't do it for me at the store. funny cause at the gym they rocked.

the shoes i did love:
were both about half a size too big and they didn't have the right sizes in the store.

and?

and??!!??

NOT EXPECTED UNTIL THE END OF THE MONTH!!!

that's february you guys. talk about getting all hot and bothered for no reason. in fact? this is actually worse than askingoutus interruptus. WAY WORSE!

[seriously need to stop staring at the mec website and contemplating ordering shoes. really really need to try them ON first]

[back away from the mouse miz sass]

[no really back away]

god i wish it wasn't such a bad idea to order things off the internet that you haven't tried yet or i would SO have my shoes in a week.

dammit dammit dammit.

i waited months to buy shoes. i waited until i legitimately believed that my shoes were fucking up my climbing and not my feet. i waited until i really felt that i would actually be able to do that thing IF i had different shoes on my feet.

i even waited until i wanted shoes a size smaller than i was wanting in october.

and then?

yeah, bupkus.

[wanders back to mec page]

[drags self back here]

the only good thing about not buying shoes today? shoes they didn't have at europe bound either? the only good thing?

yeah, if i had bought shoes today i would SO have gone climbing and my hands are pissed just from trying shoes on the shitty wall at mec.

look another post about shoes! bet you guys can't wait for me to get this fucking shoe shopping crap over with! :)

here we go again...

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ahhh was a nice mellow reentry into the world today. teach two classes, one private and one group and then hit the gym. yeah, i'm taking my non functioning arms climbing. yes, i'm insane. anyway currently i'm wasting the two and a half hour break between these classes (that is usually filled with other teaching but the holidays mess with the schedule) by doing laundry, listening to tunes and playing with the internet.

i don't really feel like i rested over the holidays. i feel like i meant to rest but then i took all my resting time and stuck people or climbing in it. so yesterday i tried very hard not to speak for the entire day and in large part i succeeded except that my neighbour came over at midnight and we talked half the night. which sort of killed the day of not talking and i'm feeling it in my throat this morning. that and all the pot i smoked in the last couple of weeks.

i did have a somewhat strange experience in the middle of my day off yesterday (read 7pm). this man messaged me out of the blue to inform me that we needed to play the sex game right now... but he managed to do it with enough wit (plus he's gorgeous) that i chatted with him for a bit. all right fine you lazy bitches here's a pic:
the rest of those can be found on his profile which is linked so you have no excuse.

anyway i confess to a little temptation since it's been a couple of years and i actually miss the whole sexual being bit of my character but unfortunately i just can't do that kind of thing. the only reason that i mention this at all is because the timing was hysterical. there i am reading the comments on my post about the boys who have the brains AND the pretty and i'm commenting that pretty alone just isn't enough when mr. pretty himself messages me to say 'hey let's boink' and i looked down at my keyboard and my blue flannel pyjamas and i thought to myself 'so not worth the energy buddy' and went back to playing with the internet.

which sums up in a nutshell why i'm not getting laid. fucking scruples.

anyway it was sort of neat to have the proof of the statement i was making come up and poke me in the chest. sometimes you say things about yourself but you're not really convinced that they're true because you haven't had the opportunity or whatever but that's two hotties recently who just wanted boinking and *I* said no every time. i'm a little proud of myself.

he was funny though; when i said that i was the kind of girl that needed some dating before she felt comfortable climbing into bed with someone he goes 'great let's go for two coffees at two different places and then bang!"

okay lame as all hell but it cracked me up. there's something about wit that makes it so much less likely that you'll slap a guy i can't even tell you. it's the essential difference between north americans and europeans. in north america if a guy is looking at your ass he's ogling it and thinking really rude thoughts and then he's going to try to pretend that he isn't looking when you turn around because your ass is burning from the stare.

in europe you'll be sitting there in a cafe chatting and the man beside you is staring at something and you say 'what are you staring at?' and he says "your breasts" and somehow that's fully not offensive. it's all in the delivery. first of all the european guy is generally thinking that your breasts are pretty but he isn't imagining putting them in breast bondage and urinating on them (hee couldn't resist... who just spit up their breakfast cereal?) or otherwise really doing anything. or if he is? somehow there's some polite there.

i can't really explain it but it's kind of like the gay community. a gay friend read the bit about those guys who are totally unaware of how they feel and he was like 'ahhh straight men' because for him that would last about three days. he would look at his own behaviour and be like 'hey... wait a second... i like this guy' whereas the traditional stereotypical straight guy won't notice for months.

least that's what they want us to think.

and most gay men i know are very european when it comes to initial approach or sex. they will be matter of fact about what they want and what they're after and if you're in then great and if you're not then oh well. no huhu and no hard feelings.

i think that if north american men got a little europe going and the women got a little more willing to discuss what they wanted instead of dancing around the subject that our society would be ever so much healthier.

tough thing in a society founded by the puritans though.

i mean i say all this rationally but i don't see me really asking anyone out or for sex or whatever... so why don't i put my money where my mouth is? so to speak.

hell, why don't you? ;)