to chocolate or not to chocolate

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I am having one of those days... well a couple of them actually. Last night I bit the bullet and hit mcd's which I will of course deny if anyone asks. Today I had a sub and some chocolate and I ate breakfast out too and funnily enough I'm exhausted and sleepy.

I suspect that I'm probably at that two day period in my cycle where I just can't eat enough junk. Tragically of the average 30 days for me there are about 9 where I can't eat enough food. It helps that I've been smoking less pot but nonetheless there are these nine days. It makes it hard to keep off any pounds that i shed the other 21 days let me tell you.

I'd really like to know why my body feels the need to do this to me on a monthly basis. I get it that it likes the food that's worst for my hips. I get it that I'm hitting an age where my cycle and the hormones attached to it are going to be making themselves felt with a vengeance. I get it that sometimes what you think you're craving and what your body is really asking for are fully different things.

But still.

Why can't I crave spinach when I ovulate? Why is it that only Baskin Robbins Peanut Butter Chocolate will do? Or Eclats de Caffe which is the best dark chocolate bar ever. No really, ever. It would be nice if my body wanted to eat things like almonds, asparagus, apples... but no. Chocolate, carbs, fat and FRENCH FRIES are the rulers of the day.

I suppose that in some ways this is good. My ladies really like that I look like a human woman when I'm teaching them but nonetheless I truly believe that I would get a LOT more work if I looked like a dancer or a climber or a swimmer. I know that these things come with patience and more work. I know that climbing two or three times a week will rip me to shreds in a few months... it's just.

I'm not feeling very positive lately.

I'm feeling a little bit like I'm treading water and going nowhere and watching my life pass before my eyes. And the thing is that I can't quite figure out what to do about it. I know that I have a life that a lot of people think is pretty cool. I know that with a little patience this Pilates thing will take off. I know that if I can just buckle down and clean the fucking building I'll have the superintendent job as long as I want it.

Still. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I feel like there are all these fantastic places to see and things to do and stuff to learn and I'm just sitting here typing into a computer at 11pm on a Saturday. Because I am here to tell you, nothing says you have no life like blogging on a Saturday night. Except maybe knowing you did the SAME thing on Friday night.

Yeah... after you went climbing with the married guy. Not to mention that the lunch date today? Yeah, with the gay guy. I love my friends, I really do like my life.. I just feel like I'm making decisions that are somehow robbing me of the chance at something more.

For the record something more doesn't necessarily mean 'married with kids and a dog and a white picket fence' because, for one thing? I don't like fences. It's just that I'm stuck in the middle of something. Part of me really wants to pack my shit, sell most of it, dump the rest in the barn at the parents place and fuck off to Bali or something.

In fact my sister has already offered to adopt my cats and since I know how much she loves them I'm down with that. It's just, there's the other part. The part that wonders if maybe the point isn't to stay in one place and get to know the friends and family that are around you and learn to treasure the quiet times and the deep caring relationships.

So I sit here being indecisive and don't DO anything. I don't decide to go, I just decide to stay a little longer. To stay until I save up a little money. To stay until until until... I remind me of the woman who won't pierce her navel until her tummy is flat and worth showing off and thus never pierces her belly button.

The irony of this?

Almost everyone I know tells me how I inspire them, how my positive outlook makes their lives easier, how my ability to just deal with shit amazes them [because when the relationship sucks I actually leave], how they wish they were more like me how how how...

I don't get it. I'm seriously the most fucked up person I know and I inspire people?

That scares me a little.

oops

ew
i forgot how gross it is to nibble your nails after climbing.

P-tooey
chalk tastes like shit!

evil geniuses for dummies

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I can't be bothered finding a specific mention of EGFD in the user friendly archives... if you're nerdy enough you already know what I mean and if you aren't you probably don't click title links anyway.

So... muhahahahahaha. my evil plan is working! After I was told that I wasn't working up to snuff I started to do the SAME amount of work but only when my boss is HERE. So she tells me today that she's noticed a big improvement.

*snicker*
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Have to get some more Xavier Rudd cds or i'll get sick of the one i have. There is some hint that my birthday is coming and i should fail to shop for myself. So I'll TRY not to get them!

Is it wrong that I want to drive to Chicago to see him again on Monday? Alternately I want to go to Australia and follow him around for a while :)
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Birthday camping is cancelled in favour of hanging with the fam at the farm and watching the Perseids and then going to summerfolk the following weekend. This is pretty cool although I won't get to play at Metcalfe Rock. Ah well, more gym time I guess...

Maybe I'll just take myself down to Niagara one day and boulder outside. Seems kind of pointless because my endurance is for shit. It's sort of frustrating because by the time my endurance is better it will be fucking winter again. Hopefully I'll have cash and I can go play in the carolinas or something. And it's really only my hands... the rest of me is finding the return to the gym easy.
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I made it to the end of another month! AND I paid my car insurance. Now I just need to pay for car REPAIRS!
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Back to not being interested in a single man. Not one. I met a guy at hillside who had a bit of potential but really not enough to care if he calls me. Which he won't. I really, really don't think that I'm that picky. In fact I think I'm willing to date just about anyone that isn't in jail or already father to 9 kids by 7 different women. Or grossly obese AND unfit. Or stupid. Or repulsive pheremones.

Now would I date them more than once? Maybe not but maybe. Depends on how much fun we have the first time now doesn't it? Mostly I'm just tired of being asked out or hit on or groped by people who have partners already. [At least a lot of them are hot and attractive to me... so I'm at least attracting men I would date if they weren't cheating, lying scumbuckets.]

In fact, for most of my life I've been the one they chase after for rebounds, for affairs or for one night stands. Now, I *get* that i have a great rack... but I only figured that out a few years ago and before that I was all about the baggy shirts over leggings (misguided attempt to not be hippy... i've since decided to embrace the curves). So it's not just the boobs. Do I give off some sort of 'cheat with me' vibe? Do I seem easy?

Because I have to say that I am like the opposite of easy. (Yes RUS I am familiar with your theory of women who say they won't put out on the first date... but I can handle my liquor and I know enough not to drink sass panty remover on a first date [good irish whiskey for anyone who's wondering {current faves Red Breast and Tyrconnell}]). So far my average wait time is a couple of weeks but sometimes it's longer and sometimes it's shorter. So I'm not saying I'm impossible... just that you have to be worth fucking.

Casual sex makes me feel icky. So it's sort of weird you have to admit that the only people who chase after me want just that.

I have met men I found worthwhile, it's just they were all already married to people... and in love... and faithful. Or too far away, too not interested, too waiting for someone better.

For a while I decided it was my age or my general not-hotness. However, I have a lovely friend who is all of 2 years younger than me and she's doing great... AND I've lost most of the weight so I'm definetely reviving my hottie factor and still.

Nothing.

It's enough to give a girl a complex. Now I don't really want to have a kid with a gay friend or by myself but it's sort of looking like the way to bet.
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In related news, I'm seriously looking for work outside of Toronto. Outside of Canada actually. I really want to learn to surf and it occurs to me that other than some friends that I love I have NOTHING holding me here. Nothing.

So why stay? Can't think of a single reason. Wish me luck in my quest. Alternately, if you're looking for a Pilates teacher somewhere tropical or New Zealand... leave me a note!
:)

keanu reeves doesn't suck

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No, seriously.

My sister and i were discussing this, in fact she's torturing me right now by lecturing me about the movie i *JUST* watched with her. Hardball is what it's called by the way. In fact we had the old Keanu Reeves double header because we watched The Replacements first.

She loved a whole pile of stuff about Hardball by the way. I could write it down but that would imply that i was listening. fine... i can't tell you because that would spoil the movie. Trust me, it's good AND Keanu Reeves doesn't suck.

Think about it. Speed rocked, the first Matrix was good and he isn't why the other two weren't. Point Break was much fun. sister says Constantine is awesome and so on and so on. [Don't forget Bill and Ted's either!]

I know, none of these are some artsy fartsy adult oriented non porn drama. All of them have fun in them. Except no... hardball is a drama. My Own Private Idaho is an excellent drama. I could continue but instead i've decided that people make fun of his acting because they don't like his style.

I do. Sister does. That's enough for me.
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On a lighter note I got some really really good news at work. La boss whom i dislike working with because our brains think in opposite ways [yeah for some reason i renovate walls before floors. her? not so much] has just lost the property manager of her building. So she's taking over and finishing the renovations at her building. Which means OUT OF MY HAIR!

Oh damm that feels good. I think I'll have a party.
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Got a bunch of subbing for August which helps. So I can eat in September and my birthday is coming and it often involves cash. I'm hoping to get enough to get that oil pan fixed. Damm cars. Can't live with them, can't take the fucking bus. Well I can, but I don't have that kind of time. I just would not be able to deal with my schedule without a car.

It's too bad because I'd rather not. Next year I'll be able to bike so maybe I can chuck the automobile then. I don't go anywhere much more than 15 kilometres from home and toronto is relatively flat. Must get my bike back once the boiler room is empty.
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It's not as hard to certify for water teaching as I thought. I have to demonstrate above average swimming prowess which, trust me on this one, i have. I have to prove first aid certification and then I can skip the 'assistant instructor' badge or cert or whatever. Then I have to take a 30 hour course and I'm done. Just like that.

*bounce*

I can teach swimming. Yay. I mean I have to get work but I have some damm good qualifications. I might go straight for coaching. It seems sort of presumptuous and yet not. When I help people with their strokes they improve immediately.

Anyway... thoughts :)

words to muse by

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it's hard to type right now... something about a climbing gym.

so this isn't a hillside post. well it is in the sense that it's premised on something that happened there but it isn't ABOUT hillside. In fact it's about sharing.

There I was in the drum circle and sorta sitting on my drum and listening to these drummers not listening to each other. It's hard to join in to that because noone is listening so no matter what you do you're fucking something up.

Now my old drum teacher was there (and drunk) and it was really kind of sad actually. He was running around and hitting his drum as loud as he could and making all this noise and generally fucking it up. At one point he even ran over and started talking about how he could 'drum the circle' ... as though he could tell them what to do. Then a little later one of the leaders of a brazilian marching band shows up with his drum and all hell breaks loose.

This is not the good kind of hell. My former teacher runs over with his drum to the brazilian guy and starts trying to outdrum him. So the brazilian guy tries to out drum him and then it just keeps on and on.

The next night I'm drumming again and there's only a few of us and this guy I know tells me that if i just play along with him we can 'overpower' the circle and make them play our rhythm.

Now I am here to tell you that does NOT work.

It doesn't work if there's five drums and it doesn't work if there's fifty. In fact, all the best music I've ever heard (that wasn't by a solo artist) involved a lot of listening. In fact that seems more and more to be the secret to almost everything.

Listen. Such a simple word.

from dictionary.com
listen:
v 1: hear with intention; "Listen to the sound of this cello" 2: listen and pay attention; "Listen to your father"; "We must hear the expert before we make a decision" [syn: hear, take heed] 3: pay close attention to; give heed to; "Heed the advice of the old men" [syn: heed, mind]

Hear with Intention. So if you're drumming you should hear what's happening around you so that you can fit into it... and if you're any kind of musician at all you better be listening. But then there's people who get so lost listening to themselves that they can't hear anything else.

Funny how suddenly a story about a drum circle becomes a life metaphor... because it is.

I was going to say a lot more but that feels like the end.

more...

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did i mention xavier rudd rocks?

sam roberts wasn't bad either but i was so tired by then i couldn't properly enjoy it.

the workshops were fantastic. most memorable? The guys from Quebec with the Indian guys. Les Batinses and Dya Singh. They should play together all the time, it was phenomenal. I danced a lot.

some people shouldn't drink and drum. or drive.

it's hard to drum with a circle that can't listen to itself.

swimming lessons are so much fun. I ended up doing four or five of them this weekend and had a blast. Couple of people told me that I was a good teacher. :)

[othercat's Hillside tale]

i think i'll certify and start teaching water things also.

i want to be the xavier rudd version of a deadhead.

i'm a better drummer than i like to admit.

i want to take myself someplace that is else

now how?

i have this little warm ball of energy in my chest that was a gift from a special soul. :_

i love my volunteer job. i fully have the best job at the festival.

i'm having some hillside revenge (ragingly vegetarian diet just got thrust upon my intestines. they are slightly miffed)

i still love reading in my tent on saturday afternoon. it's pretty much an annual highlight.

i wonder if i should stop promoting Hillside so much since it's sold out already. (er... this year... next year is strangely enough not available yet.)

is it weird that i get excited about next year's festival while driving home from this years?

is it weirder that i'm excited like every day?

is it even weirder that it never disappoints even after all that buildup?

this year was particularly stellar.

didn't i say that last year?

i'm in awe of the waste management at this shindig. They have (i shit you not) trash stations everywhere with recycling, dishes (for washing, NO disposable except a couple of specialty plate things at vendors), trash, composting, bottle return (in volunteer camping) ... and it's changed constantly ALL weekend. The place is clean the whole time... it's amazing.

people kept thanking me for my work which i didn't get. how was anything at hillside work? i get to sit on my ass, listen to music, flirt with cute guys (that tend to be performers or senior volunteers [what? nerdism of almost any kind turns me on], have an all access pass, talk on the radios, know everything, find excuses to talk to the cute musicians (fully egged on by my 'boss'), and get THANKED for it? I mean sure I had to know stuff and help people who were stressed but even stressed people at hillside are mellower than the average guy.

the honour system for volunteer food doesn't really work.

i missed the belly dancing workshops.
again.

had yoga for breakfast.

[wanted to try out the climbing gym i drove by in guelph]

bought NEW flip flops on friday that i wore much of the weekend AND my feet are still speaking to me.

think i might get the other three xavier rudd cds. or i'll make a wishlist since my birthday is in the offing.

mmmm wishlist.

i wish to go to that festival in australia with the sign on the gate that says 'if this festival doesn't change your life, you're doing it wrong'

i wish to go a lot.

bliss

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Oh man. I'm still speaking in full on slow motion and I can hardly talk about anything not related to the weekend that I just spent.

There's a tradition at Hillside whereby people talk about their 'Hillside moments.' These are basically seconds or minutes or hours that pass and are perfect for you and you will remember them forever.

Some examples from previous years... the first time I ever danced in a drum circle at 2am with a bonfire on one side and drummers on the other (first night, first year). It was fully sublime and left me blissed out for days.

Last year it was much more serene. I was sitting at about 1pm on Friday on the platform that was becoming the soundbooth and just watching them build the stage and erect fencing and build sinks and and and ... and I was SO happy because I was in my favourite place on earth watching it get built. [eventually I will have to volunteer for site crew just to do it once]

This year I almost have to say that the ENTIRE festival was my hillside moment. That said, if I had to pick moments there would be two. Swimming in the lake on friday and feeling my body move like a kid again. I actually went swimming like 8 times this weekend because of that!

But the other.

Wow.

This man walks onto the stage all rigged out with a djembe and three didjeridoo's and a couple of other drums and a guitar and a harmonica all set up on stands and he starts to play this ethereal and beautiful music. And then he made me dance. And dance. And dance.

So there I was dancing my face off with a sellout crowd and listening to this phenomenal music when this man appears and starts ska dancing beside me. He and I went apeshit for a while to this music and then more and more and more people started dancing with us. IT was wonderful. So amidst a sea of bliss, during a sublime weekend and with mother nature smiling at us this guy showed up so I didn't have to dance alone. Don't know his name or anything about him but I feel for a time we were kindred spirits.
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Nothing controversial to say. didn't meet anyone with spark but that's all right, Hillside isn't really about that. did run into a man that I went out for a tea with a year or so ago. he took my number and never used it. Funny cause he doesn't look cute anymore... in fact I find myself a little indifferent.

Funny how rejection gets you over someone in a second flat.
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In case I didn't make it clear... XAVIER RUDD fucking ROCKS! Go see him if you can. He rocks so much that for the first time in SEVEN years I shamelessly abused my all access pass to the festival so that I could track down this man and tell him how wonderful he was. And I had to line up with board members and senior staff to do it! [and he hugged every one of us... such wonderful energy].

Happy Hillside y'all.

deep thought

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42
there that's my whole post :)



Today I'm a little bit prouder than usual to be Canadian. The Civil Marriage Act is officially law and now there is no reason that my best friend and his partner can't get married if they choose. The House, the Senate AND the Governor General have passed the bill and it's law. In fact the Prime Minister did a speech about it a while ago that still brings shivers to my whole body when I read it and I've read it several times, read it to people, posted a link to it and posted it on my site. Here it is again.

It made my friend hubris cry actually.

Anyway, sometimes you're just really happy to live where you live and it's sure nice to be the fourth country in the world to do something really cool. In fact... even though several Albertans believed it to be so the world did NOT in fact end today. I think the sun may even rise tomorrow!!!!

Imagine.
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Ironically there I was again hanging out with the gay boys instead of scoping out the straight ones. This has to stop. I teach Pilates... to WOMEN. I'm the superintendent of a building in the heart of the gay village. I'm in a band with a pile of taken men. I am joined at the hip to a man married to another man. And I go to the climbing gym with a married guy. Seriously can I give myself no chance of meeting someone or what?

I mean really, I don't think I could engineer it better for total lack of meeting male people if i TRIED.

So, that said... i'm so busy at least I hardly have time to care. Part of me thinks 'hey you have a crazy busy life and all sorts of fun activities... what does it matter?' ... but another part of me thinks 'you haven't gotten laid in TWO YEARS!' and I have to tell you that part two is louder. Tragically, I'm not a casual sex kind of girl.

Life would be SO much easier if I were. I could just go to hillside and bring some condoms and find a little boy to fuck and be done with it. But I can't... I'm just not the type. In fact I actually DON'T fuck on the first date. [which is not to say that I've never had casual sex, I actually have several times during my younger years] I'm not saying that I've never boinked someone I just met or that I never will again... just that the odds of me putting out the first time we get together are about as good as the odds that I will find a name for my fucking kitten. [who i like, I just can't name.][please note obligatory Hillside reference... I'm not excited at all.]

You know... speaking of finding boys to fuck at Hillside. This reminds me of last year. there I was with my great tent and my double bed and some fresh condoms and everything... because well, it never hurts to prepare yourself for foolishness even when you aren't really the type. Damm ski patrol and it's be prepared crap. Anyway there was this really cute 19 year old boy camping beside othercat's and my little area. He was there with a girl that may or may not have been his girlfriend (I don't think THEY knew) and some friends.

This girl treated him like crap and I actually was heard to say to othercat 'that girl better watch it or i'm going to trip that boy on principle.'

Be careful what you wish for.

So he and I are hanging out that night at the drum circle [which goes all night fyi] and generally it dawns on me that noone else is around, the sun is close to the horizon in the am direction and i'm walking around with a teenage boy. Who invites me back to his tent for a bowl.

So how naive am I? I think he means 'let's smoke some pot and then i'll see you later'...

yeah not so much.

So he jumps me. I confess I nearly did it. I came *this* close to doing it. And then he took off his shirt and he had those little boy boobs that some guys who were chubby as kids have in their late teens and I was SO OVER the whole idea.

All of a sudden I'm in a tent with a teenager and I'm the cougarest cougar ever in my own mind. And I can't believe I've ended up there... or that I've let things progress this far... [it was dawn and you are slightly intoxicated from the second you wake up at hillside and my shift had started at 7AM that day so i was awake a loooong time...]

So I say for the ninetieth time 'no, I really can't do this' which he takes as 'i'm reluctant ... just convince me' ... which i was and if he were even a little smooth he could have talked his way into my pants and he says 'but come ON... a NINETEEN year old WANTS to fuck YOU' as though i'm supposed to be like flattered or something?

He just kept repeating it, like he couldn't believe that an actual woman was turning him down, meant it and wasn't impressed with his teenage man boobs. In some ways that makes me glad for the sake of women everywhere that I really did say no.

Seriously the moral of this story? Right back to the cliche I used to use on the boys at the bar when I was bartending.

Age and experience over youth and enthusiasm EVERY time baby.

Incidentally...

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did i mention my sister is coming camping with othercat and i for my birthday?

i got a bunch of sub teaching for august so at least september won't suck financially and then in october the money from the new class i start in september shows up.

i think i'm getting cash for my birthday. [please please please]

my hands are starting to callus from climbing.

i remembered about laps at the climbing gym! [laps are when you climb the same route repeatedly with no breaks until your hands won't hold on anymore]

sometimes it's hard to resist someone else's black cloud.

my sister rocks.

hillside starts on FRIDAY!!!!!!

[dance of joy]

my new non busted cell phone is here and it's DAMM CUTE! (motorola v551 if you're curious)

my kitten really wants to get laid.

6.5 hours of mopping/sweeping AND 2 hours of climbing in the same day? With laps? Bit much.

i'm really, really not getting that job... and i'm okay with it.

i think i might not get fired from my superintendent job after all.

i want to move somewhere with surfing. Are you listening Universe?

i miss my cable less and less, in fact, not at all.

i'm now addicted to blogging instead.

and i'm turning into a comment whore.

friends are here... must go.

nothing to see here... move along

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I don't really have anything to talk about tonight. My eyes are sort of gritty and closing and my cat is whining and annoying. There was a little tequila earlier but not enough since i'm freaking broke and i can't afford proper amounts of tequila.

Bad news is there may be no liquor store for a few weeks as of late July. This would be MOST unfortunate because I don't get paid for any work until August 1st and my birthday is August 12th.

*flash and bang of lightning hitting sass in the head*

Fuck
that explains it

the sour mood, the maudlin attitudes, the mild depression. It's my fucking birthday. And for this woman it's a rather pivotal birthday too.

You see, after 40 the whole making babies thing becomes pretty much fucking impossible unless you hire a surrogate or whatever. That said, I didn't want to think about it for a while so I just made a little plan. No worries until 34, then investigate your fertility and then at 35 just decide once and for all... YES or NO... to breed or not to breed.

If the decision is yes then go find a sperm donor and if the decision is no then just fucking forget about it. This was a GREAT plan when I was 31. Like freaking awesome.

But now, now I'm turning 34. That means this is it, I have to decide this year. To be a mom or not to be a mom. To adopt or to use my own egg. Since I'm ragingly poor at the moment this is rendered somewhat more difficult to think about since I'm pretty sure I can't afford the diapers.

Still, I gave myself time to think and I learned something. Deep down inside me I actually wish to be a parent. I even want it to be mine and not adopted. It's just there's something else. I never really thought that I would be doing it alone. I just assumed that magically the Universe would drop a nice man on my head and that would be that. [okay how funny would it be if a nice man actually really did land on my head??] No matter how much I said it, no matter how much I protested, part of me really thought that I would get to do this with a partner.

Don't get me wrong, there's an offer. A gay friend of mine wants my egg... but he wants to be a coparent and I have to tell you I'm really not sure I want to tie my life to a man that I can't have for the next 20 years or the rest of my life. Like all where to live decisions and so on would have to be made with someone else's input.

It really seems like all of the disadvantages of marriage with none of the advantages.

I confess this would be easier to muse on if I had gotten laid in living memory.
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I read a description of a woman today in Hedger's blog that I'll paste here. do you think I should tell him I did it?

Anyway:
"We get to talking and she's embarrassed at her age. She's 32. Hey, we've all got to go sometime. Tracey, she calls herself. With an E. She was sad, I could tell. The dame's confidence had been rattled by years of abusive men and had become suspicious of everyone as a result, I was sure. It was all in her eyes. It was the reason why she couldn't let herself have a little fun. She was guarded and outgoing at the same time. She was no longer at ease with the idea of being able to trust a total stranger, if she ever had been."

We've all got to go sometime?!?!??? AT THIRTY TWO?

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not in the slightest teeniest tiniest bit embarassed about my age, (expect when I'm crushing on someone younger than my sister... but that's more feeling like a cougar than anything) in fact I've come so far in the last 15 or so years that to regret it would be tragic and really self defeating. However, the bit about the dame's confidence and suspicious nature... then he mentions that she's outgoing and guarded at the same time and I sort of feel like he's talking about me. Now he's NOT. For one thing I'm not in Australia and I haven't been to that kind of bar in ages... but still.

I'm not quite there, I can trust strangers and in fact do it regularly. I can have fun. But can I?

I'm the one shushing everyone when we're running down the halls wasted on whatever. I'm the one chastising the litterers and telling people that they clearly don't value their country if they're littering. I'm the wise old auntie to a troupe of young things that I know.

And that feels somehow like a safe choice. Like I'm turning into the crazy spinster on the corner who shouts 'why i oughta' while she waggles her finger at some kid on a skateboard. [and why are there so few places kids are allowed to skate today? Downtown is deserted at night now since they broke all the fun places to skateboard and chased the kids away]

I feel like I'm letting my life pass me by and I can't figure out why I feel that way. I'm busy, I'm working on a cool career, I have friends that I treasure and hobbies that I love and yet.

I haven't learned to surf yet.
I haven't seen Australia and New Zealand and Bali and Thailand and Turkey and Greece and Egypt and South America and all of Asia and all of Africa and the Antarctic [Antartic?]... yet.
I haven't climbed a real mountain yet.
I haven't scuba dived yet.
I haven't learned to wind surf yet.
I haven't jumped out of an airplane yet.
I haven't graduated from college or university.
I haven't done SO MANY things that I was sure I would have done by now.

So am I regretting my choices? Not really no. I mean there was that horrible 3-some and a few other nasty memories but overall?

Nope.

I've made some weird choices and I've done some pretty fun things but i feel like my exploration factor has just not been met. My feet are still itchy and I'm still here.

So what's keeping me here then? Roots? The ease of it? what?

there goes another one

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we interrupt this post to announce the good news that my sister is joining me on my birthday campy weekend.

now back to your regularly scheduled whine.

I didn't get the job. Well I don't know for SURE that I didn't get the job but if you were an oddsmaker I'd but it at 40:1 against. She watched me teach and made a couple of comments and tried one of the exercises that I taught and seemed to be having fun but also talked about certain things that I do that she no longer does because of her work with physiotherapists and how I did some cues that she no longer thinks are appropriate and well.

It's not that I think she's wrong, I can even see what she's talking about. I can understand that she wants her teachers to have a unified voice. What I don't get is how she's supposed to get these teachers if she is no longer working from the generally accepted canon. She's sort of guaranteed to have to teach anyone she hires to do what she wants right?

So doesn't that mean she should look for an ability to SEE and maybe an ability to get along with clients?

Ah well... i knew getting enough work to actually eat was an impossibility, I seem to be supposed to be poor or something. Hopefully my three new classes in the fall will help to make a difference because soon I won't be able to keep my car on the road.... and when I can't do that I can't even GET to half the classes that I currently HAVE.

Today is not one of my better days. I just keep trying to remember that it's still better than it was after my accident when I was lying on my couch miserable. It's just that THEN I had a rich boyfriend and the eating was easy and now... not so much.

Off to clean as usual

i dream of sleeping

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Now I haven't been able to sleep for about a week. In fact I'll be lying in bed and I'll be vibrating the way you do when coffee and insomnia meet up around 3am and you sort of doze while imagining that you're sleeping. In fact, other than wednesday night when I slept like a log I haven't slept well since last weekend. So, at this point, I'm getting to be a bit of a writeoff.

The sucky part is that I didn't have coffee yesterday and friday was a small coffee that was drunk by 11:15 in the MORNING!

some tips with my reactions stolen from the article linked to the title:

> Practice "Good Sleep Hygiene." Here are some tips for you to try:

does this mean I'm supposed to clean my toenails before bed?

> 1. No reading or watching TV in bed. These are waking activities. If your insomnia is chronic, it is not a good thing to do, says Dr. Alex Clerk, head of Stanford Sleep Disorder Clinic in Palo Alto.

I agree with this one... but sometimes a little reading before sleeping settles the brain. I do try to do it in the living room but it rarely works. Either way unless the book is damm good I put it down pretty fast and crash.

> 2. Go to bed when you're sleepy-tired, not when it's time to go to bed by habit.

yeah that works when you have to teach at 8:30am. putz.

> 3. Wind down during the second half of the evening before bedtime. 90 minutes before bed, don't get involved in any kind of anxiety provoking activities or thoughts.

*snicker* does that mean writing in my blog while drunk about being lonely is probably a bad idea? Cause I'm here to tell you that giving up all activities other than staring at a wall for an hour and a half before bed? Not going to happen. I mean shit, when I was still watching TV I was just as likely to watch something high tension before bed as relaxing...

is masturbation 'anxiety provoking activity'?

> 4. Do some breathing exercises or try to relax major muscle groups, starting with the toes and ending with your forehead.

this actually works.

> 5. Your bed is for sleeping, if you can't sleep after 15-20 minutes, get up and do something relaxing.

again with the no masturbating in bed clause. And if you're supposed to get up after 15 minutes I don't think I would have slept this YEAR! It takes me that long just to de-whir my brain...

> 6. Have your room cool rather than warm.

Fuck you, it's 34 degrees celsius out there and I don't have AC.

> 7. Don't count sheep, counting is stimulating.

I prefer the animal game. Think of all the animals you can that start with A [free association is good] and when you can't think of anymore do B and so on. Problems with this? Too much free association leads to thinking about what ails you and uh... that's really the only one. I've never made it past G if I didn't get distracted and let my brain think again.

> 8. Exercise in the afternoon or early evening, but no later than 3 hours before bedtime.

screw you, i'm not skipping climbing or teaching classes and besides i usually take a couple of hours to wind down when i get home.

> 9. Don't over-eat, and eat 2-3 hours before bedtime.

*clears throat* no comment

> 10. Don't nap during the day.

but what if you got an hour of sleep last night and you're dying and you just nap for an hour? My mom naps... why can't i????

> 11. If you awake in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep within 30 minutes, get up and do something else.

yeah cause that works when it's 34 degrees outside, the humidex puts it closer to 40 and the act of ROLLING OVER in bed makes you rain sweat onto your sheets.

> 12. Have No coffee, alcohol or cigarettes two to three hours before bedtime.

NO ALCOHOL???? Okay I agree with the coffee... but any smoker i've ever met would be fully jonesing for a cigarette at the three hour mark and unable to sleep because of that. Least when I smoked cigarettes that was true. It's true about MJ though... it makes your heart race for a while so you should give at least 90 minutes before sleeping.

> 13. If you have disturbing dreams or nightmares add an ending that you want.

who remembers their dreams? lucky bastards.

> 14. Schedule a half-hour writing about your concerns and hopes in a journal every night to free up your sleep from processing your dilemmas as much.

AH-HA! I'm allowed to blog!

> 15. Listen to calming music or a self-hypnosis tape for sleep.

Fuck that... that shit is the opposite of soothing, it just makes me want to hit things.

The preceding message brought to you by the coalition for the relief of sassinak's sleeplessness and boredom.
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Well I'm feeling better than I was last night. Nothing like exhaustion, beer, lotsa heat and some pot to make you get all maudlin. In fact while talking to hubris I even teared up a little. I don't really do that... but i think it was the effects of the naturegasm.

Naturegasm you ask? :)

Well you know how there's maybe two or three perfect rains in a summer? Where the drops are tiny and almost the same temperature as the air? Where you turn your face up and lift up your skirt and just let the rain melt into your skin? Where that hokey song kiss the rain is something you actually do? Where you remember why your icq nick is still summerain? When (if you have the space) you dance around and just generally enjoy being wet?

There are very few perfect rains, in fact some years you don't get any at all... but last night I sat on othercat's balcony for something like an hour and just let the rain wash over me.

All in all yesterday was a good day to be wet. I went down to Ashbridges Bay to watch the end of the beach volleyball tournament and when it started to rain I wandered down to the lake and had a swim in Lake Ontario. That's two great lakes this summer, i'm going to try for three on my birthday weekend. (Georgian Bay)

So I went swimming in the rain but I wasn't singing and then I kissed the rain but I still wasn't singing and in between I got very drunk and celebrated my 6 year best friend anniversary with othercat... even with the maudlin it was sure a nice day.

My class this morning went by in a fog though... really need to GET SOME SLEEP!

lonely

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sometimes you go through periods of drought in your life and then you have to wrestle with the dilemma.

do i keep hoping or do i just give up?

if you keep hoping then you're an idiot because you never get anything you're waiting for. a watched pot never boils and so on

if you give up you are somehow removing the hooks that allow you to connect with other people. the less you trust the less you have reason to trust.

so what's the right answer? i'm currently in stage three chucking the whole idea and moving back into single is fun mode but i have to tell you that sometimes it's not easy. it's hard to come home by yourself. again. and just say hey to your cats before you fall into bed.

sometimes i think i write in my blog to replace the person that isn't waiting to say hey... how was your day?

and don't get me wrong, single is definetely fun... but still, it's been a while, it would be fun to get excited to have someone calling or coming around. that's okay though.

i got on a bicycle today and didn't have to jump off for like 15 minutes. that's a new record by ten minutes. I think I'll be on a bike next summer for sure. it will be nice, it's expensive to run a car in this city.
.

class today went better. Honing my craft for my audition i guess. Glad I got an A on my exam before I had to do that *grin*

gotta sleep, big day tomorrow. class then work in the building then climbing with some blond man with a cute accent and then dinner with the folks. Perhaps sleep might be a good idea.

funny cause i thought i was going to be drunk and witty this evening :)

wishful thinking and an overactive imagination

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"I thought he was digging me a little"
"Turns out he's just a nice guy"
[actual exchange with a friend]

So how do you tell the difference? When does a shared grin or a moment of eye contact or someone asking for your number go from being a friendly thing to a potentially romantic thing? At what point is the flirting that ANY male/female friendly folks do no longer just friendly flirting but something more?

How in fact do you tell the difference?

The thing that's funny about this is that I used to be hella good at it. I used to just *get* somehow that there was sparks between me and a man. Things used to just happen. Now I look as good as I did then, I'm a hell of a lot HAPPIER than I was then and I would say my whole aura is a nicer thing to be in the same room with.

But.

Nothing. Like bupkus.

My dad thinks that it's because I'm 33 and thus all the decent ones my age are married or heavily involved. His theory is that I either have to find someone in their late 20s or early 40s. Either hasn't been snatched up yet or has gotten chucked out of at least one door.

I hate to say this but I'm starting to think he's right. I don't think I've met more than one attractive AND available man in my age group in the last couple of years. I've met younger ones and older ones... [the older ones are a little too older though being like 12-15 years older which is a bit much] but not so much anything my age.

This is compounded by the fact that many of those aforementioned men my age who are already involved seem QUITE willing to play around with me on the side. This is supposed to inspire confidence?

Perhaps I'm just not looking in the right places. I keep getting told that I need to 'put myself out there' ... uh yeah. I drum, I go to parties, I go to festivals, I climb, I leave my house a lot... how out there am I supposed to get? I'm never home as it is.

I suppose the fact that i live in the 'gaybourhood' and have lots of gay friends doesn't help but I don't really see why. They have straight friends too and are pretty good at assessing them. It's just they're all previously owned.

What's even funnier is those same 'put yourself out there folks' are the ones who say 'when you least expect it...'

seriously dudes... make up your minds!

can't... feel... fingers

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fingers hurt.

hands don't work.

arms are tired.

shoulders are pissed

periods require too much pinky bending

screw punctuation :)

rhomboids are pissed

feet mad

legs... tired

:)

was a nice night.
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In other news, hubris and I have picked the gym. It costs the most, it has the shittiest hours and the shortest walls. And yet.

So much more fun routes. Such cool corners and angles everywhere... Also they have THOROUGHLY doubled the bouldering areas and now the gym is so much more integrated between sport, lead and bouldering games.

[da-yummm the kitten is winning the power struggle... she isn't even named and she's swatting Mouse around]

The difference is subtle but hard to explain. The other gym has taller walls and some cool bouldering but. First of all it's floor square footage is a lot lower so it's limited that way. But it's more than that. It's also got routes that require not too much dancing. The crux move is almost always something like a dyno or else two or three mean holds stuck in the middle.

Now I've only climbed the easier routes at that gym... but I noticed that hubris was having more fun today too. That said, I just really hate being tied into the floor when I belay. More than that I hate having my belayer NOT attached to my rope. I don't feel safe tied to a floor I just don't.

Funny, I prefer the routes it's true, but the belay system thing drives me WAY more nuts.

so much eye candy... mmmm :)
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Crap I have to be up in 8 hours.

Happy saturday y'all :)

trust

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I've been musing on the nature of trust lately. First there was a small incident with my former dealer. Apparently I violated his personal security. And probably I did. It feels more like someone was looking for an excuse to cut some ties and took it. Still it got me thinking. [damm it's hard to type after beer!]

I trusted the person who was in my house. In fact I trust him implicitly. But my former friend didn't trust him at all and was offended that I didn't ask him to leave. What I don't get is why my no longer friend couldn't have just said 'can we step outside?' ... but no, i was supposed to be psychic, realise he was uncomfortable and boot my trusted friend out of my apartment. I'm sad that this person doens't wish to have me in their life anymore but I'm sadder about a ... moment of disillusionment.

I tried to borrow a book from someone to lend it to someone else. To me the act of vouching for this person was enough. *I* trust them and so therefore they should be trusted. However the borrowee is not the sort of person to lend their things so they're offended that I would even consider doing so. I'm shocked that me trusting someone isn't good enough.

So there it is.

My friend LT went off to China and met BS [no pun intended] while there. He commented that he had a friend moving to my city, she got in touch with me and I hosted said friend while he looked for an apartment.

From the first day we've trusted each other because our friends that we trust trusted each other. To us that was enough. It's been enough when any of the original foursome have met and it's been enough when some other members of our chosen families have been introduced. To me this is totally natural. The *right* thing. I trust you, you trust her, she trusts him so I trust him. Sort of like the friendster model or something.

That's what I consider a sane way to live. Trusting the people that the people you love choose to trust. This broadens your circle and incidentally introduces you to a whole cool set of experiences you might otherwise have missed.

It's just... it turns out that other people don't think that way. In fact it seems that I'm even evangelical about it. Wow... how little you can know your own behaviour.

I had no idea that I was evangelical about my trust model. Maybe I'm not... maybe it's just that the act of living the way I believe seems preachy to others.

So then that begs the question: how are you supposed to live the way you believe and NOT be preachy? How do you act on those things that you consider important and not piss off other people? Where do your own personal beliefs and other people's space diverge? What's the difference between imposing and choosing for yourself?

All very interesting points to ponder but I have a class to teach in 8 hours.

it's hot... no dude, like HOT

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I'm sitting on my getting skinnier fat ass and staring at a computer when I'm supposed to be cleaning. Why am I doing this? Because just SITTING here I have little raindrops of sweat pouring down my body and I'm not even DOING anything. Because I hate cleaning. Because construction workers make giant messes and get paint everywhere and don't give a shit. Because I really don't want this stupid superintendent job anymore.

So, what do I have to do?

I have to actually get off my ass in the next two weeks and apply at every Pilates studio and health club and spa and fitness centre in town. That's what I have to do. It's just that well... blogging is so much easier.

I don't have to write a cover letter to write in my blog. I don't have to find someone who uses that crap they call Windows so I can look at my own resume. I don't have to look up dates and care about using the same word twice in a paragraph and I definetely don't have to do interviews and teach a lot of people I've never met.

Tragically I have the worst ability to fuck up when I'm audition teaching. I get nervous and I lose all ability to connect with a client. This is pretty funny because I'm usually really good at it.

What's even funnier is that I give fantastic interview. I always GET to the audition I just screw it up. I wish I could just get them to come to my class at the JCC instead. Those are good.

Ah well... too much stalling does not a clean apartment building make.

PS I LOVE THE RECOVER POST OPTION!!! Gooo blogger nerds!

Why is it...

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that I get smitten by men I can't or shouldn't have?

that my friends never listen when I say the right things but always hear when I say the wrong things?

that sometimes the hardest people to speak to are the ones you love the most?

that my car needs $2500 worth of work and still purrs like a happy cat?

that the last three times I actually thought that a man I was into was into me he couldn't have acted faster to let me know I was nuts?

that my blog never shows up in the recently updated list?

that only one of my friends can come camping on my birthday?

that sometimes I feel like a blog that nobody reads is a better friend than the ones I talk to every day?

that I have such trouble finding enough work teaching Pilates when the classes I teach are some of the most popular at the places I teach them?

that even when I know he's just not that into me I'm often still ridiculously into him?

that people assume women are gay for silly reasons like short hair or a little fat or a lot of height?

that people assume men are gay just because they have fashion sense?

that my friend is so unhappy with his partner he's contemplating going back to women?

that couples who can't stand each other stay together?

that getting a date with someone interesting is so impossible for me?

that I don't have anyone to climb with and just sit here jonesing instead?

that my singular talent is making friends of men I want to boink?

that a sperm donor and a nunlike lifestyle while home schooling a child seems like a lot more fun than trying to find someone to date?

that i'm so damm negative today?

that smoking pot is becoming more and more something I used to do?

that Hillside isn't for another WEEK????

that I blog so much more since I stopped watching tv? (obvious in retrospect)

that I have less and less to say to my parents the older they get? This is going to bite me in the ass I know.

that I feel like writing lists of why is it questions today?

that people in SUV's are the most likely to drive like asshats?

that married or taken people hit on me all the time and single ones never do?

that drivers would rather save a 2 dollar bulb than signal their intentions?

that when you DO signal people speed up to avoid letting you in?

that it's heat wave hot today when I have three apartments to clean?

that construction workers can't clean up after themselves?

that I'm too freaking tired to WORK right now?


off to clean :)

Wandering the web

or 2,793 kilometres. Now that looks like a lot of fun. I'm kind of relieved that I didn't know about it until after it happened this year... but I think I may plan a week off next year and head out. Maybe I can get a group together and make a party of it. Should have my hands in shape by then anyway. Mmmm non-competitive hanging out with climbers... so nice. Hopefully I will be linked back into the local community by then, it's no fun not knowing anyone because it's so darned hard to find PARTNERS to climb with!

I was watching this guy boulder at the climbing gym the other day and I was struck dumb by how beautiful it was to watch him move. It certainly didn't hurt that I could read every muscle of his body like it was an anatomy textbook. Literally. In fact I could make out the demarcation of tendons and muscles and you know you have to be in shape for that.

It's really amazing to watch the good climbers because they just don't move the same way as the rest of us. They have this amazing grace and stillness as they move that's like watching ballet on a wall. They never stop moving at all but every motion, every finger position, every hold is planned out so far in advance that it looks effortless. More than that it looks like it's in slow motion. It isn't. Don't misunderstand, these people move with speed and grace but it's so perfect that it looks like watching an underwater or free fall ballet.

I like to think that I was approaching that level of grace from a great distance when my body was broken and I was forced to take a three and a half year vacation. I like to think that only because I was starting to feel less like I was climbing and more like I was dancing and that to me is key.

Still and all I can't wait to have my climbers body back. I miss my deltoids!
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It's funny that for months I didn't turn on my television but suddenly I'm sort of wondering what to do with myself. It's not like I've changed my activities since I cancelled my cable two whole days ago... In fact I think I'm doing more than I was then since I'm subbing for a teacher who is away. Still suddenly there's a tiny sense of loss. I expect this will pass. I used to jones every 20 minutes for a cigarette too.
.

I wish when people who KNOW me read my blog they would comment so I would know they were reading it. Otherwise it's almost some weird invasion of privacy. Makes no sense because I don't care who reads it that I don't know. Still. Say hello or something.
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So I started reading books that I myself purchased instead of books that were lent to me. Suddenly my novels are so much more fun. Funny how I actually like the books I choose to buy. That said... must get some literature or non-fiction happening...

Speaking of non-fiction. I had my preconceptions tossed on my ass last night [which is SO good for your brain]. I went out with a man that I thought was gay and it turns out that he wasn't. In fact he prefers straight girls who hang out in the gay community because he finds the community more honest [as do I] and I have to wonder if he wasn't sort of speculating on me. That said I've been wrong the last three times I thought that someone was giving me slow speaking glances so I have to say that I'm feeling uncertain. Regardless, I was convinced this guy was gay. Sure as hell. In fact when someone else at the coffee shop SAID that he was gay my new friend didn't even blink. Weird.

So, we ended up talking to a group of actually gay guys and doing the people watching thing. It was hilarious because those boys are so bitchy and yet they want my approval for some reason. Heck I wasn't even looking fashionable... I mean mint green and electric mint blue? So NOT a good colour combination.

Anyway one of the boys looked like this swanny little twink... talked like a haughty little toyboy and everything and THEN he starts talking about the crazy physics book he's currently reading and how he loves philosophy because it's a similar thought process and how he has an Einstein photo on his wall. The boy is a full on NERD. Full on. Starting college in the fall for physics and philosophy. Has a fully wired apartment with computer servers in the closet [okay I have one of those too but still...]

I was stunned. I was so sure he didn't have a thought in his head not formed by air.

The anticlimax

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do not click that link. That is the soul sucking cable company to whom I attempted to hand my digital cable box today. After the incompetent lady on the phone told me to return it to 'any soul sucking cable company video store' i did. They wouldn't take it. Apparently the cable part of the store is closed on sundays and I'm only allowed to rent movies.

Yeah, that'll happen.

So there I was, cable box in hand, all hot and ready to cancel my cable and then... they wouldn't take it. Talk about all dressed up and no one to blow. I was a bit miffed. So I phoned to do it instead AND I still have to GO to the store to return the damm box. It was so much less satisfying. Sort of like the difference between skin to skin contact and hugging while wearing sumo outfits.

Wait, that sounds fun!

Anyway the point is that I cancelled my cable. Fully cancelled. Didn't keep basic or anything, just killed it dead. Dead and gone. I feel sort of strangely free but a little perturbed. I will have to fill SO many hours of the week in the winter now with other things... and since my mj sabbatical looks to be turning me into a much more occasional user I won't even be able to get high every day to distract myself from my lack of tv.

Not that you get high when you do it every day.

Which is sort of the point of chucking it for a while. I miss getting silly when I smoke and it stopped happening years ago. Probably about when I started to self medicate for pain after my accident... or alternately before that but I can't really tell anymore.

So now when I go to band practise or once in a while with pals I'll smoke (or the whole long weekend) but yesterday when I smoked I noticed something interesting. Rampant paranoia set in. Like weirdly rampant. I started to get all worried about all my jobs and to wonder what I would eat with next month and just crazy talk as though I had no power over my own destiny. I have decided to blame this on the weed/lack of sleep/crappy class/exam stress... but it's something to notice.

Did my heart always race when I smoked? Was I always paranoid? Am I actually a non mellow and in fact angry person? Do I have any ambition? Do I care if I have any ambition?
.

Right this second I wish I had a digital camera, I went to the climbing gym and I got my first official injury where there was bleeding! This hasn't happened to my hands in years and I sort of want a picture.

Incidentally I can hardly feel my fingers which is adding a whole new dimension to this typing thing. Well it's not that I can't feel them as much as the muscles that control them are PISSED at me. No dude, like pissed. I have to move my whole arm to move my hand right now and I almost dropped my dinner while I was making it. Damm I feel great.

I still suck though... I reach for these giant holds and my hands just will NOT hold them. Worse I don't dance on the wall anymore I just sort of grunt my way up things! That's okay... least I'm ON the wall!
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On a rather weird sidenote...

My kitten is in heat. Again.

Tragically I CANNOT afford the fixing because my vet is the Countess of Cats but she's a little more expensive than I can bear. So I looked up how to give cats in heat some relief in a preferably non grody way. Came across this.

Being the total pov that I currently am (still paying for sappho) I can't really incur more debt with my vet. Like I just can't. I owe as much as the spay would cost and my income is not guaranteed.

So.

I tried it.

Yeah it's freaking weird but she's such a lady it's not nearly as traumatic as the article suggests AND she shut the HELL UP and I got some sleep. It was blissful. Er not the part where you do odd things to your cat but the part where she shuts the hell up and acts normal for 5 or 6 hours.

You have no idea what bliss is encompassed by silence until you either live with a cat in heat or in a construction zone. Trust me on this one.

so much to think about, so little to say

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I feel the little black thoughts coming... the ones that creep in in little rivulets of black goo like that black oil from the later seasons of the X-Files. Just a smidgen here and a smidgen there and suddenly you're just not your usual happy self.

if only they weren't so insidious...

Today this can most likely be explained by the fact that I taught a class at a studio I don't usually teach at followed directly by a certification exam upon which I believe I did very well. I don't; however, think that my class went half as well as my exam. I think I was scattered and lacked focus which I DO NOT like. I'm supposed to be good at this dammit.

And I am, it's just that I'm destroyed from teaching giant classes. I've sort of lost the talent for finding the right class for a tiny group. I think I was probably distracted by test also but that's no excuse. Ah well... win some... lose more. I'll just go take a group class and remind myself how a good one goes. Hope I get another shot!

I just feel like there's something I'm missing. Something in the way that I teach that just doesn't quite jive with the students. I see some of them ... the ones who need this work the most.. just shake their heads and leave and I know that I've lost them and I don't know why...

Now I've seen this happen to my favourite teacher... i've seen the people I thought most needed her be turned off by her. So it can't just be me... but still there's a ring of truth with her and I used to have it and I feel that I've lost it.

Hopefully now that I'm not studying for a certification exam I can go back to learning how to BE a teacher. :)

Off to sleep, hope to be cheerier in the morning.

Deliver your future into the hands of your friends

(so sez othercat!) [CORRECTION - so sez Pete Townsend as quoted by othercat!]
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I have a friend who's having a bit of a personal or life crisis right now. Which has led, interestingly enough to some speculations on the nature of friendship. My friend is feeling really happy to have good friends about who care for him while all of this is happening. So he's been saying thank you.

This weirds me out. I can't explain it it just does... and I'm SURE that I myself have made such statements to the friends that I treasure in the past. In fact, that's when othercat told me the preceding idea. So, the question is, am I uncomfortable having people thank me for loving them? Or does it mean I find it easier to say thank you than you're welcome?

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that othercat has it right. That if you trust your friends and love them when they're up or down they will do it back to you. And you should never feel guilty for needing your friends or for wanting them around... this is WHY they are your friends.

So... how does this differ from the toxic friend? The person with whom you are not healthy? I had a friend like that and since we stopped hanging out she's gotten WAY more positive and I've gotten a little more negative. Were we somehow warping each other's energy fields? I think we may have been and it's too bad because I bet when she gets into this living a positive lifestyle thing she's be great to have around. And still funny as shit.

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I've decided, I'm cancelling my cable. Deep breath. This is trippy.

I did it in college... I can do it again. Who cares what the Desperate Housewives did this week? Or that the Lost people are in fact on a set in Hawaii? Or that Jordan and Woody are never going to get together? Or that Luke and Lorelai are getting married? Or or or ... whatever.

I think I don't. Well there's a little voice inside crying out for the US Open [tennis]... but I bet I can find a bar that will play it for me... even across the street maybe. I feel this giant little nervous ball in my tummy at the idea of not having cable anymore. That's plain weird. Also sort of makes it necessary to chuck the cable. I thank it for the distraction when I needed it but I think it's time to have my own life again.

I wonder if I got all the Doctor Whos before I made the big snip?


Wish me luck... teacher exam in the am and a new weekly class too.

television and science fiction/fantasy

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Every year about this time I start to jones for television. And then I watch like Big Brother or something equally trashy (Canadian Idol, Summerland.... uberCheese) and sort of feed the monster until fall. This year, I don't think I've turned on my tv until well, tonight. And only because I forgot to tape Doctor Who so that I could add it to the steadily growing list of things I'm not watching that are on tapes on my floor.

In fact I haven't even watched several of the season finales yet. And they were on in MAY! So far the only thing I'm curious about in the new television season is whether or not Sam will come back to the Montecito. This doesn't really seem worth $60/month. So for now I think I'll chuck the digital cable and keep the basic and decide in the fall.

As for the science fiction and the fantasy... well, I feel like I've read it all. I can't imagine a quest for a ring/sword/virgin/box/crystal/unicorn/something mythical novel that I haven't already read. If there are dragons or elves I just can't even get past the cover (except the urban fantasy stuff, that's still a little fun). I still enjoy the political exploration stuff or anything Tania Huff writes (because damm she is FUNNY! and she can write) but otherwise it's basically losing me. In fact, I have an input queue about 50 books long that I can't be bothered reading.

I want to read something NEW! One of the only things I still enjoy is either humour or mixed genre. Mysteries on a space station, elves driving race cars, magic mixed with science, etc. Even that though, I sort of feel like I've read it all. This doesn't mean that I'm over BOOKS, just that it's time to take a sci fi/fantasy break.

I guess this means I've changed so much in the last few years that very few of my old hobbies are really going to stick. I feel like taking classes in anything or finding a new hobby or running off to an Ashram in India or learning to surf or moving to the other side of the world or something.

Funnily there are a few things that I still love. My friends, my cats, my car [I am RIDICULOUS about that car], travelling, road trips, pilates, drumming, climbing, how beautiful Toronto is, festivals, beautiful men(and no, I don't mean their faces), lying on grass in the summer and watching the meteors (yes you need to be in the country for this), the smell after it rains, the lights of Toronto disappearing in the distance as I head to the country, camping, lakes... Newer things too... I love dancing and walking now and I never did before. Funny how losing the ability to do something makes it ever so much sweeter to do it when you regain it.

I'm no longer comfortable in the patterns I have made for myself. One wonders what will come next.

psychological watersheds

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Or how not to go into shock from bliss.

I didn't realise something. I didn't notice how much weight I had put into rock climbing after my accident. I was sad and I missed it but I didn't really consider the symbolic value of the thing. That it, in some intrinsic way, represented the life I was living before my body broke in a slow and crumbling way. Before I fell apart. Before my ex and I split up. Before I was rendered unable to sit at a desk for any meaningful length of time. Before.

I didn't notice. How could I not have noticed how much psychological weight I had put into a thing? To not realise that I would feel in some way vindicated and relieved and blissed out with glee (and sore arms *grin*). Funnily enough, this climbing thing turns out to represent healing to me. It seems that sometime in the midst of the crap the Universe chose to sling at me for a few years I put all my hopes for my body into the walls of a climbing gym. My faith that I would get better, that I would heal, that I would 'get my life back' so to speak.

Ironically I haven't gotten my life back at all. I've changed it so much and my self has changed so much that what I've really done is to acquire a new and wonderful life. I have a whole new set of friends [other than othercat and PJ who are saints and also family even though we aren't related], new interests, new apartment, new cats, new outlook on life. New everything.

And yet.

Somehow this one thing from before has such amazing significance. Such power to release. I literally feel that I've lost 20 pounds (which is funny because I haven't lost a pound in a year and a half... that said, the mary jane vacation should solve that one) and grown taller. Seriously, I look in the mirror and I feel and look taller.

Odd but cool.


In other news, some very congenial company came to stay at my apartment for the weekend and party with hubris and I. And we did. In fact we did it so well that by the end of the weekend it was rather difficult to speak without sort of making an effort. This is a little weird for me as I am usually very talkative and never run out of things to say. Funny thing though, othercat and I as well as hubris and I are often not speaking for quite some time together.

I sometimes wonder why the closer I get to people the less I feel the need to speak when I'm around them. It's not that we've said everything there is to say. Well othercat and I can bore each other to tears but that's okay, we still love each other. It's not that we secretly don't want to talk to that bore over there. It's more. The realisation that sometimes just to be around someone and fill yourself up on their energy is enough. More than enough. Ideal even.

Some high points of the weekend... climbing routes again and knowing how, laughing until 4am with a couple of tenants and some friends, walking tour of Toronto with othercat and lsd, getting smoked out instead of falling back into daily smoking, not being tired of someone's company after days of being within ten feet of them, new music, new card game [texas holdem seems pretty fun... scary though since I might get silly about it], much delicious food, losing weight while eating whatever I wanted, quiet times in parks and just a general state of bliss for days.

The best part? The building went on vacation too and I didn't have crap to do!

sore arms and Bill C-38

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I did it, I went bouldering. It was surprising how bad I was actually. Not so much with the movement or the ideas as with the grip. My grip is shot. Incidentally I learned a new stretch from my teacher for that so it's all good.

Anyway, it was good. I sucked ass but I didn't injure myself or otherwise render myself incapacitated. It turns out that my endurance and my tolerance are terrible though. S'okay, I'm pretty happy.

In other news, the government of Canada officially passed bill C-38 which is a proposal to amend the definition of marriage. In less dry language that means that it is now a rubber stamp away from being legal for Canadians everywhere to get married. This will make us the third country in the world to legalize gay marriage. I think anyway. [Spain passed it the next day as well.]

It's passed the House but it hasn't made it past the Senate which can do nothing but rubber stamp it and send it off to the Governor General for rubber stamping. Still, if the Senate has risen for the summer then it won't pass for another few months. When does that mean we actually passed it?

Was it the day it passed the last official hurdle where anything can change or is it the day the GG actually stamps and seals it? Either way, one more avenue of intolerance and injustice is eliminated in this wonderful country.

That is surely something that no homosexual person born before 1965 would EVER have imagined. In fact some of the ones I know are awed that such a thing even happened in their lifetimes. Personally I think the PM said it best:

Paul Martin on same sex marriage

Don't read this where people will notice you having open displays of patriotic emotion. Unless you don't mind such things happening at the office. It actually made an American friend of mine cry.

Happy Canada Day y'all.